I really don't know why I am sabotaging my body. I know better, I really do. I was a drug addict before many years ago and was clean for a long time. However, over the last few months I have sniffed a few lines here and there and also have taken ectasy. I took FOUR ecstasy pills yesterday. I love the feeling of "feeling" different. I used to use food as my drug and now it seems I am getting cravings for other things too. I also have an OTC sleeping pill addition to. I sometimes have to take 4 tylenol pm's or equivelant to go to sleep at night. This overwhelming feeling of wanting to change my reality over boredom is REALLY, REALLY horrible. I pray for hours on end for forgiveness. I don't want to die. I have everything to live for, a great job, a WONDERFUL BEAUTIFUL son & daughter. I love God. I know it is going against him to defile my body, but somehow, that is not enough. I have no self-control or will power, I will cave in a minute. The crazy thing about this is I have been exercising like a mad woman to "help my body". Just want to be a normal 34 year old woman. Why do I feel like I am still a 19 year old living in a 34 year old body? My son recently moved to live with my parents because he wants to finish high school in the town we are from. My daughter is in Pittsburgh with her biological mother (I am her step-mother) and I have nothing stopping me or helping me in my will power. No, it's not an every day thing, it is an every few weeks thing. But I DID do lines 2 weeks post op and I was so worried about hurting my band, but did that stop me? NO! I am such a mess. This took a lot to write this down and strip myself naked but I can't keep living a lie.

Oh honey, I am so sorry you are struggling with this! My heart goes out to you. I'm proud of you for being brave enough to write this in a public forum. It shows you do have strength. You've said yourself that you have nothing stopping you or helping you with your willpower. Some times you just can't conquer these problems all by yourself. Get help, get strong professional help. Do it for yourself, because you deserve it, and do it for the people you love in your family. Don't try to do it alone. There are support organizations. Since you are religious 12 step programs may be effective for you, but don't suffer with this by yourself! Reach out in person to someone, or to an organization or group of people who can help you. Don't wait, pick up the phone, search the phonebook, make an appt. with your family Dr., google resources close to you, something, anything to get yourself help. Don't punish yourself for what you already have done, you can't undo it, just look ahead, and do the best you can. Please let me know what you do and how this going for you, here or private message me if you like. I want to hear back from you that you've taken some step to get someone to help you with this in person.

XO

Leila

Oh honey, I am so sorry you are struggling with this! My heart goes out to you. I'm proud of you for being brave enough to write this in a public forum. It shows you do have strength. You've said yourself that you have nothing stopping you or helping you with your willpower. Some times you just can't conquer these problems all by yourself. Get help, get strong professional help. Do it for yourself, because you deserve it, and do it for the people you love in your family. Don't try to do it alone. There are support organizations. Since you are religious 12 step programs may be effective for you, but don't suffer with this by yourself! Reach out in person to someone, or to an organization or group of people who can help you. Don't wait, pick up the phone, search the phonebook, make an appt. with your family Dr., google resources close to you, something, anything to get yourself help. Don't punish yourself for what you already have done, you can't undo it, just look ahead, and do the best you can. Please let me know what you do and how this going for you, here or private message me if you like. I want to hear back from you that you've taken some step to get someone to help you with this in person.

XO

Leila

I guess I do need help. I mean I know I need help. Quit cold turkey by myself the first time around. I like this "anonomys" board but I am really scared about honestly talking to a live person. Nobody knows this problem I'm having again. I have kept it totally hidden. I guess I can look up counselors. I have good insurance. It's just so hard to get on the road to recovery again. I'm so depressed, just want to go to sleep. Oh, did I also mention I'm bi-polar? I only take Effexor - no mood management drugs because I feel that is part of what got me fat - Lithium, Depakote, etc.

Beachee Girl,

I think it was really brave to share everything that you are going through. In January I found out that my husband is a drug addict. I had no clue. We have been married for almost 10 years and have two beautiful children and the devastation that addiction has on families shred ours to pieces. I was shocked that I had been living what felt like a lie for almost a decade and was beyond hurt and confused. Then I picked myself up, we are currently separated, and decided I wasn't the one that had to choose differently when it came to the drugs. But his addiction put my own stuff into perspective. My weight was out of control and I desparately needed to address all the issues that surrounded my obesity. So, I got my band and realized really quickly that it didn't all end with that quick trip to a surgeon. It was only days into my post-op that I realized that all of the head issues I was feeling in regards to food must be really similiar to what my husband went through fighting himself about the drugs daily. Wanting something that isn't healthy for us, trying to talk your way through it, having a pity party because you know its wrong, all showing just how controlled we can be by addiction. In that moment of awareness, God really touched my heart and I realized "But for the grace of God go I". I guess what I am trying to say is that God sees our weaknesses and He will give you the strength to continue a good fight when you allow Him to be in control of your life. I am not trying to be overly spiritual. I just really felt that you needed to know that you are loved and supported, and you can beat this. Other people all around you battle stuff too, we all have vices and I think you were really brave (even in the anonimity of this place) to share what you are going through. Take care of you, and I'll say a prayer for you just to get through today...cuz that's all you have to worry about today.

Ouch, I hear you, I'm not bipolar, I have major depression, but Effexor alone doesn't work for me, I have to take a cocktail of meds, and a few of the ones I take cause weight gain. You know counsellors and drug treatment programs are confidential. NA is confidential. The only people that will need to know are you, and which ever professionals or support groups you choose to involve. These are people who are either very experienced in working with addiction and are not judgemental, but understanding health workers, or people who share the same struggles you do. If you feel the need to hide it from people in your life and your family you can still do that and get help, you can tell them you are getting help around your depression or whatever, but don't let it hold you back. You might want to look into taking a mood stabilizer in a lower dose rather than cutting it out completely. Have you tried Tegretol? It's an anticonvulsant med like Depakote, some people find they have less side effects on some meds than on others, you may have less weight issues on one than you do on another. What I've chosen to do with my weight gaining side effect meds are to take as low a dose as I can with still getting a positive effect. A lot of the weight gain from these meds comes from them causing you to crave carbs and to cause you to feel hungry all the time, with the band, a lot of those side effects are minimized or gone totally. I'm still on my meds that cause weight gain, but since being banded I -am- losing weight. I talked about it a lot with my family Dr, with my psychiatrist, and with my surgeon, and they all felt you can still lose the weight with the band, while taking meds that cause weight gain. So don't give up on them. Get help, and get yourself back on track, you deserve it.

big hugs

Leila

I guess I do need help. I mean I know I need help. Quit cold turkey by myself the first time around. I like this "anonomys" board but I am really scared about honestly talking to a live person. Nobody knows this problem I'm having again. I have kept it totally hidden. I guess I can look up counselors. I have good insurance. It's just so hard to get on the road to recovery again. I'm so depressed, just want to go to sleep. Oh, did I also mention I'm bi-polar? I only take Effexor - no mood management drugs because I feel that is part of what got me fat - Lithium, Depakote, etc.

Ah, the bi-polar key may be the key.

Please find some help. This is not about being weak willed or being a bad person or anything you have control over. You have a medical condition that you cannot will way any more than I can will away my brain tumor.

Do you have someone who is following you? If not, you *really* need to find someone. I know that depression like you are describing, will make this very difficult, but you must do it.

This is not about being bad, or being a bad person. This is about having a medical condition that needs to be managed.

Please be kind to your self.

Beechee, I too am proud of you and admire you for the emotional risk you took in talking about this. I think sometimes this risk taking can be the first step in getting help.

You have all my positive thoughts.

Devana

Ah, the bi-polar key may be the key.

Please find some help. This is not about being weak willed or being a bad person or anything you have control over. You have a medical condition that you cannot will way any more than I can will away my brain tumor.

Bechee, I'm so glad you posted here. It shows that you recognize there is a problem and your open attitude shows that you are teachable right now. I think you are on the right path! I totally agree with Vines here, getting help is not about being weak - it's the opposite! You are SO much stronger for being willing to do what it takes to rid yourself of this addiction. And relying on a higher power I believe helps as well. I'm so excited for you to move onto your new, drug-free life! Go find some professional help and keep asking God for strength, and I know you'll be able to do this. I can hear it in your post. Do this for you and your children. You can do this!

Your post is one loud cry for help. I think in many ways, it's what all our posts are about. We are all addicts - all praying out loud here, for a healing of our obsession with food. While it may be fun in the moment, drugs are never the way out of the pain you're in.

We all understand how you feel. We all want to help you. We're here for you... but, I'm not sure if that's going to help you.

Girl, get to a meeting. Stand up and admit who you are, and what you're going thru. Let the warmth of other real arms surround you, and welcome you - because no one will accept you more than another person who struggles too. I know there are NA meetings, OA meetings - almost everywhere... and I know they will listen to you, hear you, and maybe that will give you hope. If you have good insurance - take advantage, find someone who can help you out of your own way, so you can break free and step "into the light".....

I'm so sorry life has to be so hard.

Congratulations on taking the first step and admitting you're in need of help. Now take the next step and GET the help you need. You're a beautiful person who deserves to live a happy, healthy, drug-free life and needing help to get to that place is nothing to be ashamed about.

The first step is always admitting there is a problem, and you have done that. I hope God will guide you every step of the way in getting the help you need and deserve to live a wonderful life. You sound like a great person. Remember you always have support here. Good Luck.

Hi beacheegirl,

I read a New Yorker article before I was banded, it was about the band. It featured several women who had it done and one of the common issues was that some of them turned to drinking or drugs because they could not use food as the drug any longer.

They realized they were addicts with the need to alter their moods, escape or just feel different. Normal life was boring or they did not feel good sober.

So I would suggest seeing someone about this so you don't trigger a full blown eposode. I have addicts in my family, and anyone with addiction knows when a little start will eventually lead to a major episode again.

I'm so glad that you posted here! It was a great step! Like the others have said, get strong professional help. It very easy, when you have been addicted to ANYTHING to fall back in the addiction (drugs, food, etc.).

Be kind to yourself. Call for help today.

Let us know how you are doing...

Shawn

Thank you for the support. I just took a really long nap (tired from being up all night on ecstasy :-( - Well in that time I took the suggestion of Leila and researched a counselor that may be able to help. We've been playing phone tag....we'll see.

I got quite a few pm's too and I am surprised that I am not the only one struggling with this issue like Leenerbups said she had read in that article...there are more of us on this board and I am soooo glad some of them shared with me there struggles as well.

I feel like such a weak loser. But I HATE taking meds for my mood swings. I know that I need to though but I am avoiding it as long as possible. I rapid cycle my mood changes and I think that 'edge' is part of what makes me - ME (the bad and the good). I would really, really, really like to learn how to treat this without drugs. I have reduced my Effexor as much as I can (down to 75 mgs a day). I would get off of it entirely if the withdrawals weren't so horrible. I digress - I think what I am trying to say is that I am willing to try a counselor - but not willing at this point to get other meds. This may be totally stupid but I got SOOO FAT on those other meds and all I wanted to do was sleep and eat. I CANNOT and WILL NOT do that again - at least at that point. We'll see what this therapist says. I may go to a na meeting at some point, but that terrifies me. I think I just need to talk to someone.

I just wish that loving my children and God were enough. I've lead such a fast paced exciting life that now it just seems boring. I am not a domestic goddess and I don't simply find joy in cleaning, cooking, etc. It's those Friday and Saturday nights that call me out. I've ate, exercised, watched TV and then Boom! I get that little feeling and make a call.

My best friend moved a year ago and I haven't really connected with anyone else and don't really know how or where to find friends now that I'm older. I really, really could use a friend to hang out with. I also, avoid making friends because I feel so fat and ugly right now too.

I love God and I pray all the time. But because of my continuous mistakes I feel like such a hypoctire and avoid going to church. When I do go, I come and leave quickly so I can avoid talking to anyone. Who would understand? Women my age are so into their families and are so goody, goody. I belong to a religion who's doctrines a lot I agree with but they aren't so understanding to repeat sinners.

Wow, I'm such a piece of work, aren't I?

Beachee, my heart breaks for you!! Like others have said, you are NOT a bad person or a failure. You are stronger than your addiction, but you need intervention. I do not have personal experience with this, but I do agree the best thing for you to go is get professional help. We are all addicts on here in one way or another. We all needed help to get us on the road to recovery, whether that be food, drugs, shopping, or fill-in-the-blank. I have seen it many times on programs where they say the drugs are in control to a certain extent. Check your insurance and/or company you work for to see if they offer a confidential 800 line where you can call with any kind of problems.

Hang in there and I wish you the very best. PLEASE make a call or share this with your DH. You are only 1 step away from the new you. Do it today & I will be praying for you.

I was banded 6/22; a few days before you. I have been diagnosed with bi-polar for 16 years. I have been on lithium maintenance the entire time, along with ambien and seroquel for sleep. In the early days of lithium, I gained some weight, but it leveled off over time. My lack of activity and sedentary lifestyle put the extra curves on me!

After years of ups and downs, the meds have helped me live a productive life. My 21-yr old daughter is my biggest motivator. I wanted so badly to be a good Mom, even when I hadn't learned to love myself yet. I used to hate the meds, thinking that they would make me feel dull. No way! I am still the creative, silly, intelligent lady that I've always been; just more confident, and I have more faith. I paint, draw, flirt, laugh loudly, and I do hip-hop dancing at 47.

I got the band because of my co-morbidities catching up with me, and a family full of diabetics.

I want to send my love, and give you a counseling resource that might be helpful:

Grace-Christian Outpatient-800-781-6113. If you want to holler at someone who understands, let me know. I'll send my #.

We are all in this together. You are NEVER alone, love.