I really don't know why I am sabotaging my body. I know better, I really do. I was a drug addict before many years ago and was clean for a long time. However, over the last few months I have sniffed a few lines here and there and also have taken ectasy. I took FOUR ecstasy pills yesterday. I love the feeling of "feeling" different. I used to use food as my drug and now it seems I am getting cravings for other things too. I also have an OTC sleeping pill addition to. I sometimes have to take 4 tylenol pm's or equivelant to go to sleep at night. This overwhelming feeling of wanting to change my reality over boredom is REALLY, REALLY horrible. I pray for hours on end for forgiveness. I don't want to die. I have everything to live for, a great job, a WONDERFUL BEAUTIFUL son & daughter. I love God. I know it is going against him to defile my body, but somehow, that is not enough. I have no self-control or will power, I will cave in a minute. The crazy thing about this is I have been exercising like a mad woman to "help my body". Just want to be a normal 34 year old woman. Why do I feel like I am still a 19 year old living in a 34 year old body? My son recently moved to live with my parents because he wants to finish high school in the town we are from. My daughter is in Pittsburgh with her biological mother (I am her step-mother) and I have nothing stopping me or helping me in my will power. No, it's not an every day thing, it is an every few weeks thing. But I DID do lines 2 weeks post op and I was so worried about hurting my band, but did that stop me? NO! I am such a mess. This took a lot to write this down and strip myself naked but I can't keep living a lie.

as a black girl, i say, 'get in where you fit in'... in the immortal words of too short. i know the black community can be a comforting place to be in a lot of ways. we have open arms for people who have had a rough time of it because we have had a rough time of it. but most of the people i know who *only* date outside of their race are running from something in themselves and it is not just a preference. i mean, we do live in america and your racial identity is very much a part of all of us, whether we admit it/accept it/like it or not. so i wonder what part of yourself you're running away from. i doubt that it is a coincidence that you came across this counselor or spoke about it on the forum. but if the black community is where you feel at home, then that is your home.

So glad to see your post! I just wanted to hear your "voice" before I turn in for the evening. It interesting, but I have always related to your posts. Now I'll have to stop lurking and start getting to know my bandsters better. You are a gem, remember that!

Btw: I am a funny, loving,crazy lady who loves people. I just happen to be black. If you need me , I 'll have to come out there and see about you.

Hi beacheegirl,

I read a New Yorker article before I was banded, it was about the band. It featured several women who had it done and one of the common issues was that some of them turned to drinking or drugs because they could not use food as the drug any longer.

They realized they were addicts with the need to alter their moods, escape or just feel different. Normal life was boring or they did not feel good sober.

.................

quote]

THANK YOU FOR POSTING THIS, knowing this a good thing.

thank you

BeacheeGirl, I am so glad that you found the courage to make an appointment with a therapist! Things don't happen instantly, it's a step in a journey. It's going to take some time to get things sorted out with you. Just keep doing the best you can. I think you're doing awesome. Just keep taking it a day at a time, an hour at a time, a minute at a time, whatever you need to do. Try to ride your mood shifts as best you can. When you're in a good space, try to plan what you can do when you start to cycle up or down. Keeping busy sounds like a good plan for one. If you do something you regret, it's done, you can't undo it, just carry on trying to do the best you can in the present moment. I really do think you are on the right track. Community is good, feeling you have a place in the world you belong is so precious.

I don't know about white men being more boring than black men. I've dated both, and I've dated a couple of asian women as well Lets just say I don't discriminate in a few different ways. But one place I do think white is boring and black is not, is church! Now that may seem weird since I mentioned earlier I don't believe in God and I'm not religious. So I'll explain. Even though I'm Canadian, when I was a little girl, our family travelled for a few years. We drove down to Mexico and lived there for a couple of years, and on our way back to Canada, we stopped in North Carolina, and ended up living there for a year. Well, my mother got a job in a chocolate factory, and what they used to do back them on the factory line was alternate workers black white black white - because they felt that if they had people of the same color together they would chat more and work less. Well, my mother chatted with her black coworkers, since they were the women next to her and befriended them. At lunch breaks she sat with the people she knew, the women that worked on either side of her on the line. In the cafeteria it was pretty much divided down color lines, so she stood out hanging out with her black coworkers, but she didn't mind, they were the people she knew and liked. She's French, and my dad is Danish, in origin, and they've always had friends from all different ethnic backgrounds. Anyways, they convinced her that she should come to church and bring the family, my mother explained she wasn't religious and wasn't Christian, and they said to come anyways, that our family was welcome and we'd enjoy it. Well she brought us, and we went, and we kept going, none of us got religion, but we loved the music/singing, and the passion and the warmth! So I have to say, since I've gone to predominantly white church with friends before too, that there is a world of difference there. The black church was definitely -not- borning.

My experiences with black culture are limited, the area of Canada I come from, on the West Coast doesn't have a large black community. As an adult when I vacationed in Chicago just a few years ago with my husband, we were told by the hostel we were staying in to avoid an area of town that was predominantly black. Well, we had seen online that there were a couple of blues bars, and a comedy club that were in that area. It was just a few blocks from where we were staying. We love blues, and wanted to go. Other than one or two other people, we were the only white people in the clubs, we were totally made welcome. I'm glad we didn't listen to the caution of the hostel not to go. My husband doesn't like to dance, but I was upfront and center in front of the band dancing on my own the whole night long, we went back almost every night, and stayed till closing. The comedy club, we checked out also, we were the -only- white people in there, and it was a BIG club, again we were made totally welcome. The MC turned and looked at us at the beginning of the show, and said - "Let me guess, you're not from around here?" we laughed with everyone else, the next thing out of his mouth was "Canadian?" we all laughed some more. We never felt people were laughing at us, just with us, he welcomed us warmly, and the people at the table next to us reached out and patted our backs. Some how I wonder if a predominantly white club in a predominantly white area would be as warm and welcoming to a black couple? I don't know, all I know is when I meet good people, I know it.

XO

Leila

as a black girl, i say, 'get in where you fit in'... in the immortal words of too short. i know the black community can be a comforting place to be in a lot of ways. we have open arms for people who have had a rough time of it because we have had a rough time of it. but most of the people i know who *only* date outside of their race are running from something in themselves and it is not just a preference. i mean, we do live in america and your racial identity is very much a part of all of us, whether we admit it/accept it/like it or not. so i wonder what part of yourself you're running away from. i doubt that it is a coincidence that you came across this counselor or spoke about it on the forum. but if the black community is where you feel at home, then that is your home.

I've actually thought about that Niche. Perhaps I am running from something. That's a point I should bring up with my counselor. Although, nothing would ever tear me away from my husband - when I see him, I don't see color, I just see LOVE. Maybe because I was molested by an Asian man that I found black men the FARTHEST from that race - so no reminders of that incident. I really don't know though. All I know is I love my husband and my son and daughter and wouldn't trade them for the world :- )

Although I did have issues with my family and some of their ways of raising us and I had to leave home young - the one thing they didn't teach me was racism. My parents are an interracial couple and we always had many, many friends around that were different nationalities. I never thought twice when I met my sons father of bringing him home to meet my family. They have never even mentioned anything to me about my choices. They love my son and my husband like they do all their son-in-laws and grandkids.

Divanita - Glad you like me :confused: I'm such a crazy dork though most of the time. I always make fun of myself and I'm such a goofball if you knew me. Where do you live?

beachee big ((((hugs))). you can feel the love you have for your family through the computer screen! i just hope you find some answers about yourself and a church home where you can feel like yourself and get the support you need. we all have crosses to bear and i am so proud of you that you spoke up for yourself and are getting help and getting free. i love seeing your posts because of your crazy sense of humor and of course, love of hip hop :confused: and i just want to see that beautiful person happy and healthy. xo

I understand about addiction. Have you ever thought of joining NA? It might be a good place for you to share your ups and downs with people. Just a thought.

beachee big ((((hugs))). you can feel the love you have for your family through the computer screen! i just hope you find some answers about yourself and a church home where you can feel like yourself and get the support you need. we all have crosses to bear and i am so proud of you that you spoke up for yourself and are getting help and getting free. i love seeing your posts because of your crazy sense of humor and of course, love of hip hop :confused: and i just want to see that beautiful person happy and healthy. xo

:kiss2: :kiss2: :kiss2: :kiss2: Kisses Niche! Thank you. Yeah, I'm one of those peeps that wears her heart on her sleeve. My friends are always telling me I am TOO honest. But, I can't lie and I can't act like someone I'm not. I can however, HIDE things I am ashamed of, like this little situation I'm dealing with. I not only love HIP HOP but I LOVE, LoVe, love, the 80's baby! I used to be so into depeche mode, the cure, etc. My first concert was New Order. My husband is always like, how do you go from Dead Prez to My Chemical Romance to Lenny Williams. Your iPod library is crazy! In fact, I used to dye my hair pink, black, white, you name it. My sense of what I like in fashion, music and people is very eclectic. I like people that aren't too boogie, and if they are, they have to know they are and be able to laugh at themselves because I will FOR sure make fun of them. One of my best friends is sooo loyal and I love her to death, but that girl cannot dress or get a good weave to save her life. But, she is soooo funny and so 'off' like me that we have been best friends since 12th grade. Then my other best friend is gorgeous, ex-model, ex-wife of a very famous r&B producer and guys drool all over her wherever we go and she really is a gold digger, but, she admits it and we laugh all the time and have grown so close since we met 3 years ago. In fact she's getting married in Jamaica where she's from in December and I'm gonna be in her wedding. I've never been to Jamaica and I'm so excited and really hope I get VERY thin b4 that.

There I go rambling from one subject to another.....:help: :faint: :nervous :clap2:

well, if you're in jamaica (negril) over new years, PM me! i'll be there from 12/30-1/05. jamaica is my spot! my cousin/friend and i have been there on new years for 3 years straight. we keep saying, oh why don't we go somewhere else... but then we think of how much we love it and it never happens. oh well! or if you're ever in new york city. get at me dawg!

i hear you on the ipod loveliness. it lets you be as schizophrenic as you want. it's great! :biggrin1:

well, if you're in jamaica (negril) over new years, PM me! i'll be there from 12/30-1/05. jamaica is my spot! my cousin/friend and i have been there on new years for 3 years straight. we keep saying, oh why don't we go somewhere else... but then we think of how much we love it and it never happens. oh well! or if you're ever in new york city. get at me dawg!

i hear you on the ipod loveliness. it lets you be as schizophrenic as you want. it's great! :biggrin1:

Bummer, I'll be there beginning of December, not New Years though. We'll be at Sandal's....BTW - My hubby is from the Boogy Down Bronx!

I am in Dallas, TX. I travel alot with work. Maybe I'll have the opportunity to come to So Cal and say hello:rolleyes:

Yup, I'm "mentally interesting" too.

I always say without bi-polars in the world, it would not be half as interesting. hehe

My drug has been food, because I saw my brothers, who have it too, (it runs in families, if one person has it, chances are more do) use drugs and alcohol and literally ruin their lives and health. They were also brilliantly talented, as most bipo's are in some way and did not want that. Food however, made me as much a junkie as they are and kept me from living my dreams and a fulfilling life as much as smack, crack or drink would have.

You go Beachee. Pat yourself on the back for taking that step because the sad truth is, most people with our problem DON'T go and get help.

...I haven't seen or heard from you lately. How are ya'? /you've been on my mind this week.:eek:

I notice not a lot of people are standing up and saying "I have had a drug problem too" so I will. Please know that the reason I finally got clean (October 2000) is because of the "Suicide Mondays". I don't know if you have ever heard that term but basically ex is the most famous for causing it. Ex releases a flood of seratonin in your brain an you feel GREAT for a while and then you crash big time. Coke is similar. I got tired of feeling horrible when I was coming down. The high wasn't worth the low. And if you are bi-polar or taking any type of mood stabilizers or anti-depressants taking ex or doing coke will totally screw this up. You might as well take nothing because they completely screw up what the real meds are trying to do. When your seratonin gets out of whack you are in for big ups and downs, highs and lows. as I'm sure you know. If you want to talk please send me a private message and I will help you through this all I can. You have to realize that the lows bring on the desire for highs which bring on the lows again. It is a vicious cycle. I got tired of feeling like I wanted to die after a binge and quit. I had to get away from the people that I partied with and start over. Reach out to some people who are clean - whether it be in a meeting, a counselor, family, whatever. Trust me, it will be the best thing you ever did. It is so great to know I will never feel that crappy again (I hope!) Anyway, good job on getting it out there. Hang on and take it one minute at a time (when I got clean one day or even one hour was way too long a time frame for me). It will get better - I promise.

You are soooo brave to admit this to everyone!!!

PLEASE GET HELP NOW!

Go to rehab. If you don't, you wont need to worry about your band or your weight or your children....you will be dead. I am sorry to be so blunt but I see this everyday because of what I do for a living. I am so scared for you because I know what drugs do to the body. You needn't be concerned about the band. The drugs you choose probably wont affect the band but they WILL AFFECT YOUR HEART AND YOUR BRAIN. The cocaine and ecstacy will put you at 100 percent higher chance to have a heart attack. It skyrockets your blood pressure and as a result you could end up rupturing a blood vessel in your brain and have a hemorrhagic stroke. You are already at risk for blood pressure problems because like everyone here, you carry extra weight. The drugs will intesify that risk. GREATLY!

Again, I am sorry to be blunt, but sometimes it needs to be said. You NEED TO BE SCARED! I wish I could take you to work with me. I deal with death every day and those people that die prematurely....in their 20's, 30's, 40's and 50's.....the majority of them have drugs on board. Ususally cocaine or some form of it.

The exercise is great for you...but if you are doing aerobic exercise while on cocaine, your heart eventually may not be able to handle the overload. It is already working too hard while on drugs....do not go and exercise too!

You already found the courage to admit your problem here. That is the biggest step. FIND THE COURAGE TO GET HELP NOW! Now is the time before you move on to a daily habit or choose more or other drugs to obtain "the feeling". I know you can do it! You care about your kids, your health, your God, your life. You took the scary plunge and tackled your weight with getting the band. YOU CAN DO THIS. It wont be easy, it wont be fun, but you will be alive and healthy! We are here to support you!