I really don't know why I am sabotaging my body. I know better, I really do. I was a drug addict before many years ago and was clean for a long time. However, over the last few months I have sniffed a few lines here and there and also have taken ectasy. I took FOUR ecstasy pills yesterday. I love the feeling of "feeling" different. I used to use food as my drug and now it seems I am getting cravings for other things too. I also have an OTC sleeping pill addition to. I sometimes have to take 4 tylenol pm's or equivelant to go to sleep at night. This overwhelming feeling of wanting to change my reality over boredom is REALLY, REALLY horrible. I pray for hours on end for forgiveness. I don't want to die. I have everything to live for, a great job, a WONDERFUL BEAUTIFUL son & daughter. I love God. I know it is going against him to defile my body, but somehow, that is not enough. I have no self-control or will power, I will cave in a minute. The crazy thing about this is I have been exercising like a mad woman to "help my body". Just want to be a normal 34 year old woman. Why do I feel like I am still a 19 year old living in a 34 year old body? My son recently moved to live with my parents because he wants to finish high school in the town we are from. My daughter is in Pittsburgh with her biological mother (I am her step-mother) and I have nothing stopping me or helping me in my will power. No, it's not an every day thing, it is an every few weeks thing. But I DID do lines 2 weeks post op and I was so worried about hurting my band, but did that stop me? NO! I am such a mess. This took a lot to write this down and strip myself naked but I can't keep living a lie.

How have u been doing Beachee? Is everything going well?? Let us know how you r doing when you get a chance.

~Liz~

03/10/06

241/175/160

5'7''

I couldn't sleep tonight. Thought I'd check to see how you are feeling, love. Holler back at me, okay?

Find yourself a therapist who specializes in addictions AND find an NA meeting. My husband is a recovering drug addict and so I kind-of understand. You will only feel worse and worse about yourself the longer you let this go on. Then you will do more drugs because you feel so bad. Stop the cycle.

http://www.na.org/

GOD, I can relate to you and what you have said. DRUGS, SEX, AND MAJOR SELF IMAGE PROBLEMS. I am currently seeking a counsellor for eating disorders, becuase I am soo depressed and my self image is worse NOW THEN WHEN I WAS FAT. I refused to take the depression meds cause IM PARANOID OF GAINING WEIGHT. I commend you on talking about this issue. I wish there were more facts on life after the band including these addictions. I feel SCREWED right now and I should be happy not sooo depressed, I have a good job and kids and I feel like JUST LEAVING IT ALL and never coming back. You can beat the addiction, I have to tell myself that, Ive seen my brother beat his drug addictions ,and saty clean for over 3 yrs. So I guess my self help has only began. THANKS FOR COMIN OUT ABOUT IT

I am disabled with Bi Polar type 2 and I am an ex benzo addict ...so I can truly relate to what you are feeling and going thru! It sounds to me ..and I am not a DR..But it sounds like you are rapid cycling. That is bad news! You Know it and I know it! Left untreated you will continue to self medicate to try and balance out. It is easy to do! You do not even realize your balancing... you just do the lines of blow or take the 4 hits of Ex and then wonder why in the hell you did it! Trust me I have been there!

But I will tell you what is really scary is that you are using while being on Effexor!! Can you say ...Stroke, Blood Clot or maybe a nice run of the mill massive Heart Attack for your kids to remember you by? I am excuse the pun...DEAD serious!!! If your going to make the poor choice to PARTY then come totaly off the Effexor! I would rather know you were totaly bottomed out by your Bi Polar than to have you be stupied and kill yourself on accident!

I know you must be seeing some kind of Dr. because you are being perscibed the Effexor. You need to call that person NOW and get your meds adjusted and schedule some therapy. I also noticed in your post that you said do not like taking medication. Hey join the club, but sometimes life involves doing thing we do not like to live a peaceful normal life. In addition no wonder you are soo out of whack you have reduced your own Effexor without the help of a Dr. or Pharmacy!

You know, our life is like our band....it's only as good as the choices we freely make. I think you have been making some really BAD choices. Get it together for kids if nothing else. I know you can do this! My heart goes out to you and my prayers are with you. Take good care!

Not to be a religious nut or anything but here goes.........

God is a forgiving god, who knows our every need. He already knows your needs before you do. As far as you avoiding church, everyone has to come to repentance. Which simply means, they are all in the same boat. Maybe not this one today, or this one tomorrow, but "all" sometime. Hold your head up high and do this for you.

We all are addicts in some form or fashion or we wouldnt be here. I love food sometimes more than my family, and dont even get me started on my OCD issues, but just like you I have to keep on trucking. Saying these things to you and listening to everyone else here keeps me going.

Lots of times if it wasnt for this forum I couldnt go on.

We all need friends and I too have a best friend who has moved on, but your new friend will show up soon. Sometimes we have to be our own best friends, which is sooo hard. YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!

I dont even know you and already I can feel your strength. Hang in there and dont give up on yourself. YOUR WORTH THE EFFORT!!!!!!

I feel like the religious view of it blames the addict. Am I wrong? It concerns me that people keep saying you're "making bad choices" when really, your brain chemistry is working against you and at this point, it is not your fault. People who go to rehab get medicine, counseling, and real help. It concerns me that a church wouldn't be tolerant of "repeat sinners". That is rediculous. Find a church that is more than tolerant and embraces you with open arms. It sounds like all the guilt religion throws out there just isn't working. It's time to try something different. It's so great that you contacted a counselor and you should feel really proud about that. Even though it would be difficult to admit a problem to others, do consider rehab as an option.

I feel like the religious view of it blames the addict. Am I wrong? It concerns me that people keep saying you're "making bad choices" when really, your brain chemistry is working against you and at this point, it is not your fault. .[/quote

Sunta, I am an ex addict and I must tell you that even though...yes, my brain chemistry works against me it always boils down to the basic fundamentals of what CHOICES I make. It IS my fault if I choose to get high over remaining sober!