Should have NEVER told my mother

[Catracks 865]

This is what I get in response to clearly explaining the procedure and telling her about all of you:

"What does your primary doctor say? Does he recommend this?

I worry because any kind of surgery has side effects. I do not feel like celebrating something that is unnatural. God gave you a stomach just the way it is and not to be cut in half."

I want you to be happy. I did not realize that you were unhappy. So, you are saying that if you were thinner, you would be happy.

No, healthier!

and then the guilt trip:

"I have had more heartache than anyone can imagine. It seems like I always have to be dealing with something or another. "

After she said it was unnatural I lost it and fired back: "having your appendix out is unnatural."

Immature I know, but God put that organ in her and she had it out. Ugh!!

Perspective anyone?

[dargar27 2]

I'm not sure if I'm the right person to respond to this because I still haven't told my own mother...lol I know she won't understand since she's never been overweight and tends to have problems understanding anything that is happening in the real world anyway...lol. It's funny too because I remember her always being on a diet when I was growing up. she was always doing the latest diet craze and wrapping herself in plastic wrap or something crazy, but she was never over weight! She never, ever noticed that I was fat though, and ignored my requests for her to help me lose weight. Her answer was to tell me I was fine and to eat....no such thing as fat free in our house!

I just learned to filter what I told her since having her not understand was worse to me than having her not involved at all. Just my two cents I hope your mom is different and can come around once she understands your side of it. Try to explain that this wasn't a hasty decision, that you've done your research, are aware of the side effects, and that even with the possible side effects, you're willing to risk them in order to live a happier (yes it's okay to admit that being thinner will make you happier) and healthier lifestyle. However, if she doesn't understand after that, or is still against the surgery, agree to disagree and then think about just letting it go. She's your mom, she loves you, and if she can't understand, you can't change that and it will just continue to frustrate you. She will eventually see you losing weight, and notice how much happier and healthier you are Good luck!!

This is what I get in response to clearly explaining the procedure and telling her about all of you:

"What does your primary doctor say? Does he recommend this?

I worry because any kind of surgery has side effects. I do not feel like celebrating something that is unnatural. God gave you a stomach just the way it is and not to be cut in half."

I want you to be happy. I did not realize that you were unhappy. So, you are saying that if you were thinner, you would be happy.

No, healthier!

and then the guilt trip:

"I have had more heartache than anyone can imagine. It seems like I always have to be dealing with something or another. "

After she said it was unnatural I lost it and fired back: "having your appendix out is unnatural."

Immature I know, but God put that organ in her and she had it out. Ugh!!

Perspective anyone?

[savinggrace 6]

I had originally responded, and I guess my internet is out. I hope that as time goes on, she becomes more supportive. Remember we are here, and go to local support groups as well. Take care!

[swizzly 901]

I never told my mom about my surgery till like five months post-op (or anyone in my family actually). I didn't have any reason to think she'd be negative or unsupportive, I just didn't want to get everyone's opinions about my body and my choices for that body.

The God-made-it-that-way argument strikes me as absurd, so I would just ignore that one. Frankly, I would ignore her in general. Just nod and smile and agree with her that no one knows trouble and sorrow like she does and then...change the subject gracefully.

Good luck!

[lsereno 2,525]

You probably know best how to deal with your Mom. Moms are people too with their own weight issues, issues around being Moms, and issues around being human. If your Mom doesn't shape up, plan on someone else for support and don't bring up the surgery subject with her. When she brings it up, stick to your talking points.

Here's what I would tell my Mom:

"What does your primary doctor say? Does he recommend this?

Yes, he does. It has the highest success rate for permanent weight loss. More than 80 percent of people who have lost weight with a diet regain all of it, or more, after two years.

I worry because any kind of surgery has side effects. I do not feel like celebrating something that is unnatural. God gave you a stomach just the way it is and not to be cut in half."

Being overweight causes so many health issues that having the surgery will improve my health. If we stuck with natural, we would be naked in a jungle eating raw fruit and berries.

I want you to be happy. I did not realize that you were unhappy. So, you are saying that if you were thinner, you would be happy.

I will be happier because I will be healthier. I'm looking forward to being able to be more active, feeling better, and shopping in any store I want. I want to fit in an airplane seat and tie my shoes without huffing.

"I have had more heartache than anyone can imagine. It seems like I always have to be dealing with something or another. "

This is my health. You don't have to deal with it Mom, I do. I know you love me and want what is best for me, but, believe me, this is what's best for me.

[Soup-a-Woman 43]

You probably know best how to deal with your Mom. Moms are people too with their own weight issues, issues around being Moms, and issues around being human. If your Mom doesn't shape up, plan on someone else for support and don't bring up the surgery subject with her. When she brings it up, stick to your talking points.

Here's what I would tell my Mom:

"What does your primary doctor say? Does he recommend this?

Yes, he does. It has the highest success rate for permanent weight loss. More than 80 percent of people who have lost weight with a diet regain all of it, or more, after two years.

I worry because any kind of surgery has side effects. I do not feel like celebrating something that is unnatural. God gave you a stomach just the way it is and not to be cut in half."

Being overweight causes so many health issues that having the surgery will improve my health. If we stuck with natural, we would be naked in a jungle eating raw fruit and berries.

I want you to be happy. I did not realize that you were unhappy. So, you are saying that if you were thinner, you would be happy.

I will be happier because I will be healthier. I'm looking forward to being able to be more active, feeling better, and shopping in any store I want. I want to fit in an airplane seat and tie my shoes without huffing.

"I have had more heartache than anyone can imagine. It seems like I always have to be dealing with something or another. "

This is my health. You don't have to deal with it Mom, I do. I know you love me and want what is best for me, but, believe me, this is what's best for me.

So well spoken. Great advice!

[Catracks 865]

I just needed to vent. If I didn't tell her and she found out that I told somebody else and not her she would get bent out of shape -so I tell her and she gets bent out of shape. Yes, the God made you that way so deal with it argument is like the guy on the desert isle that ignores the boat, plane and helicopter because he knows God will save him. He dies and then God says, "come on!, I sent a boat, a plane ..."

The interesting thing is that I really don't care if she's supportive or not. I've got plenty of that from my husband, my daughter and you all I expected her reaction, but it irritates me all the same.

Basically, I know me. I've had to major abdominal surgeries (C-section and fibroids) and I basically want to be left alone. My mother will not understand and will take it personally no matter how well I explain it.

Dee, I like your style. I will smile and nod a lot.

[kellyw74 258]

I am a little over 4 months post-op and still have not told a sole, but my husband! FOR THIS EXACT REASON!!

I didn't want to hear negative, ignorant rants about what I should or shouldn't do. I knew what I needed to do and I did it. I am an adult and made an adult decision with a medical professional who was HIGHLY capable. I am very glad that I did it and glad that I chose not to say a word to anyone about it.

I may tell my mom one day, but for now, I am not!

Kelly

[Catracks 865]

Heck Kelly! Why bother? Nobody needs to know what surgeries you've had or that your stomach resembles a banana. It looks like you are almost at goal. I can see people finally telling someone and having them say: "Oh, no wonder! You did it the easy way."

First things first. I need that approval. All my insurance requires is a psych eval and a diet history.

[Geeewhy 30]

Options:

1. "Well mom, if it makes you feel better, my stomach will not be cut in half. It's really more of a 1/4 - 3/4 ratio."

2. "Mom, which would you feel better about... a) me not having the surgery, living an unhealthy life, and dying young - or you learning to do with my having a smaller, yet unholy, stomach"

3. "God gave us the knowledge and technology to be able to do things like this... isn't it kind of a slap in the face to not appreciate that?"

Keep in mind... I'm a bit of a smart-ass.

[Catracks 865]

How funny. It will be a holy stomach if I can take communion. Say, has this ever come up? Post op, will I be able to eat the host, drink? I'm Catholic and it's a weekly thang. I sing in the choir and it would be weird if the Eucharist didn't agree and I had to run out the door.

You are a smartass, but I told me mother that I was also going to get a tattoo.

[Geeewhy 30]

How funny. It will be a holy stomach if I can take communion. Say, has this ever come up? Post op, will I be able to eat the host, drink? I'm Catholic and it's a weekly thang. I sing in the choir and it would be weird if the Eucharist didn't agree and I had to run out the door.

You are a smartass, but I told me mother that I was also going to get a tattoo.

Nice! Get it all out of the way at once!

[emily_0192010 168]

I read this and my jaw dropped... I swear you stole the conversation I had with my grandmother word for word. I did not willingly tell my grandmother. When she moved and changed her address all of her mail was forwarded to her. Since we have the same initials.. a LOT of my stuff went with them. Including my information packet from the WLS seminar I attended. Of course she opened it "accidentally" and questioned me about it.

The whole turning it around to make her situation always seem more dire and the "god made you the way you are" speech is exactly the same as well. It has gotten to the point where I won't listen to her anymore. I hate that our relationship is strained, but I couldn't deal with the guilt trips and the "poor me" any more (there was a lot more than just my WLS too).

I know this post doesn't really help you figure out how to deal with it or make it easier having someone like that around, but I just wanted to let you know that you aren't the only one

[favoredone 590]

What's unnatural is not being able to enjoy life to the fullest because of being obese and have obesity related issues.. What's also unnatural is having the opportunity to change that (with WLS and work) so that abundant living can be attained, maintained and enjoyed!!!

I haven't told my mother that I am preparing for surgery, but it's because she's having some health challenges herself due to HBP that led to renal failure caused by 40 years of obesity.... And I don't have my date yet... but I will tell her as soon as I know what I'm getting the sleeve..

I told a friend of mine about it and she started ranting about all kinds of stuff.. I stopped her and said.. "I don't want your opinion, approval or validation... I just want you support.... if you can't give that to me, perhaps we need to rethink our friendship or at least the depth of it right now"....

She simply said... okay... you're staying w/ me while you recoup!! LOL...

I've decided to live my life without apology and explanation!!!

[kellyw74 258]

I know right???!!! That is the stupid ass comments I don't and didn't want to hear. People are really ignorant if they think for one second that this is easy! This is harder than any diet I have ever done! I have to work twice as hard to lose weight than I have ever done in my life. It is so strange. But at the same time, it is so worth it.!!

I don't think my mom would be judgement towards me like that and with her living in another state, I really don't have to deal with it right now. I will in November tho when I go home for a visit! She has no idea that I have lost all this weight and I will definatley have some explaining to do! LOL

Kelly

Heck Kelly! Why bother? Nobody needs to know what surgeries you've had or that your stomach resembles a banana. It looks like you are almost at goal. I can see people finally telling someone and having them say: "Oh, no wonder! You did it the easy way."

First things first. I need that approval. All my insurance requires is a psych eval and a diet history.