I'm sad and bored

[bbrecruiter2000 1]

Hi everyone,

I have been pretty quiet lately. Trying to get back to the job of living and working and less time on the support boards! LOL . Lately, I have been going through some changes that are very disturbing.

Well, here it is. I am bored. Bored with my work, bored with my marriage, bored with my life yet I am afraid of welcoming change. I am 38 with two children (2 and 8). I am afraid of the attention I now get from the opposite sex for fear that I will want to act on it. I am afraid to be alone and I am afraid to change careers. I feel like I have been living in a cocoon for the last 10 years.

My brain says it wants to party and be a wild child again. The functioning part of me knows that I am a mother, business woman, wife (not necessarily in this order).

Despite losing 111 lbs so far, it doesnt make me feel less lonely or more accepted. Now I just feel naked and vulnerable . I am not clinically depressed. I started seeing a shrink about 6 weeks ago to help me with the lethargy and boredom issues.

Basically I feel that I want to explode out and expend some of the bottled up energy I have inside me. I want to have fun. I want to flirt. I want to travel. There are so many things that I want to do, but basically I feel trapped. I also feel sexy again despite the low self esteem and body dysmorphia issues I have. Now I realize that all of these issues are normal when someone loses a lot of weight. But I feel completely out of control like I want to do something crazy, wild and fun. I also dont trust that if I go away with the girlfriends or go on a business trip that I might not go too far. So I am doing nothing except getting angry with myself for being such a wuss and racked with guilt about the alternative lifestyle I dream about. I am frustrated and reaching out for help. I guess I'm just craving attention (male). I want someone to tell me I'm beautiful. I want to get back out in the real world and meet people. I have shared some of this with the hubby and I asked him for help making changes in our relationship to improve communication. But he's never been the wishy washy sentimental sort and right now I need my hand held.

Well, what do you guys think? Am I totally messed up?

Babs in TX

334/223/180

-111

6/23/03

[~c~ 1]

Hi babs!

I don't know what to say to make you feel better except i understand how you feel since i am living the same thing..Just know that i am thinking of you and hope you find all the answers you need.

The other thing for me is if i change all and experience all of those things will i be happy then or regret it????

I think that since some of us have always put things off for 'when

I lose weight' we are now bombarded with things we want/need to do and can become overwhelmed.

I have joined a gym to spend some new found energy and also it gives me some 'me' time and let's me think in peace.

Good luck finding the answers and PM me if you want to chat more!

Chantal

[Alexandra 55]

Hey Babs,

I don't have time right now to write a thought-out message, but I wanted to say I know you're not alone. You've been through some amazing changes, and you're also right up against a very trying time of life. (Mid-life crisis, anyone?) It's also par for the course when you have young children--I feel trapped much of the time, which has nothing to do with my weight. You're not nuts, and you have every right to feel as you do.

My advice, for what it's worth--since I doubt you have any real desire to replace your family with the single life--is to use your imagination and find ways to break loose within your current life. On my list of things to do someday are: singing lessons, piano lessons, theater visits, getting something custom-fitted (like a suit), getting a makeover--I could go on and on. I do none of these things, which is probably why I feel trapped. My point is, though, that there are so many things I want to do within my current life that pining for a life I don't have is counterproductive.

And try hard to get the message to your hubby. He's your partner in life and deserves to really understand what's going on in your head. Have faith and be honest, and in his love for you he'll surprise you.

[MeganA 35]

Babs....

I have an idea, and you can take it for what it's worth :-)

You and your hubby need a little weekend rondevue.

So, arrange for a babysitter for the weekend. Then leave him a note outlining what you want him to do. Have him get a hotel room for the weekend, and meet you at a bar/restaurant where no one would know you. Instruct him to act like he doesn't know you and to hit on you...or whatever you think he'd be comfortable doing at that point.

Then, you go out and have your hair, nails, clothes, etc. all done...do a complete makeover of yourself- wear a slinky dress, get some strappy shoes...and for pete's sake, don't forget the sexy underwear!

When you've arranged to meet your hubby a certain time.. go sit at the bar alone. His job- to hit on you and make you want to go back to his hotel room with him :-). That means that during the whole seduction phase- you don't talk about your kids, your jobs, etc...you feel wild and crazy, and oh so sexy. You two will find things to talk about, especially in that frame of mind :-). You two can spend the weekend having a wild love affair with each other.

This is just one out of the box idea for spicing up your life within the boundries of being a mother, wife, career woman...I bet you can think of others:-) Then let us know what you came up with :-)

Just don't forget that men (at any age!) will do A LOT for some sex :-)

Megan

[bbrecruiter2000 1]

Megan,

Thats a great idea. Except with two problems.

I really dont want to spend alone time with my husband. I am kinda angry with him right now about lots of things. I had a long talk with him and let him know he needs to take steps to help himself. He has adult ADD and as a result I have to be a mother to him all the time. He is easily distracted and the problem lies there. I can not do any more to help him with this. Also, he is not very romantic and he rarely can say how he feels about me. We have been together for 10 years and I think he has told me once that he loves me. He is a great father, good provider and he is extremely loyal and dedicated, but sometimes I am convinced he is not the right person for me. We were kinda thrown together by circumstance and not design right from the beginning of our relationship. THe truth is I am not sure how I feel for him. I care for him, but I dont know if thats enough. He has always been very supportive, but when I ask him a simple question like how do I look in this outfit etc.. his answers are monotone and practical, not that I look beautiful or that I am attractive to him. THe other thing is this feeling of wanderlust I have. I am finding myself attracted to other people, but not him. Of course the biggest problem right now is that I dont trust myself. So in addition to the boredom, I also have the low self esteem issue and the need for someone to tell me they cant live without me. Whoo! My brain hurts from that confession.!!! LOL

Babs

[donali 57]

Hi Babs -

I love Megan's idea - I'm sorry you don't feel it would work for you. It is hard to be attracted to someone you are angry with, and also sometimes to someone that you know "too well". The reality that many people who change partners find is that they've exchanged one set of problems/inadequacies for another.

The phrase "Familiarity breeds contempt" too often can ring true, particularly when one half of a partnership goes through a life changing event, such as you have.

Our minds are very susceptable creatures, and after awhile they start to believe what we tell them over and over again. I often think sometimes new romance is so heady because we tell ourselves a bizillion times a day, "I love him SO much!!!" (or is that just me?!?! lol)

As the newness wears off, we stop saying "I love him SO much!!!" a bizillion times a day, so we don't have that constant reinforcement from ourselves... Then the not so heady thoughts become more constant and start reforming our brains "He left the toilet seat up AGAIN, dammit!!!" until those little irritations are almost all we hear in our heads when we think of our loved one.

It sounds as though in your case you didn't really go through the "I love him SO much!!!" phase, so I don't know how much of this will speak to you.

When we are actually experiencing disenchantment it is SO hard to see how much of that we really have control over - in spite of the irritating facts, we really do have control over what we focus on, and we can CHOOSE what we focus on. If you CHOOSE to fall in love with your husband, I bet you could find a way to do it. If you CHOOSE to find a way to become attracted to your husband, I bet you could find a way to do it. These feelings can be fostered - they do NOT have to spring up spontaneously to be real or sustainable.

But... it is a CHOICE. And if you did choose to try and fall in love with your husband, where's the harm in that? If it doesn't work, you still have all the other options available to you. But, if it DOES work - think of all the wonderful possibilities! The family stays intact, you have 10 years of history that only you and he share together, and that can only enrich your future relationship. People can change. It is possible that your husband would try harder if he really understood how important it is to the relationship. But even if he DOESN'T change, it is still possible that you could fall in love with him - if you WANTED to.

I'm not saying it's easy, or that it wouldn't take a lot of work, but new relationships would require no less.

Best of luck to you - I am wishing you all the very best, whichever way you choose to go.

[DeLarla 22]

Oh no! Girl, you need a good laugh. Just do it.. make plans to go party and stick with them. You don't have to fly off to Bora Bora (not yet, anyway) but you gotta fly free like a bird and let loose! I know how you feel because my husband refuses to do anything fun at all. If I want fun, I have to make my own. Tomorrow I'm taking a vacation day and driving to California alone (from Vegas about 5 hrs) because my husband is boring. I'm 41 and have a 24 year old brother in a rock band. I'm going to the club and bringing my fat old girlfriend (I weigh 300 pounds and she's over 200 but much shorter than me.) I make my own fun. I'm a professional businesswomen Monday-Friday as a paralegal... well maybe not too professional considering there's a neon green fish hanging from the ceiling in my office, but that's what makes me happy, and when I'm happy I do good work. Fat, thin, tall, short.. LIVE LOVE LAUGH life to the fullest! Laugh every day, don't hold back.. hell, flash someone your boobs if ya gotta, but please go out and play! I'll get you started on a good laugh... the file clerk just came in my office and commented on a silly coffee mug on the shelf behind me. Well, I've been collecting all the little round dots from my 3-hole punch to use for confetti on New Year's. Anyway, Jessica said something about the mug, so I grabbed it, forgetting it was full, and the whole cup of confetti just flew up in the air and rained all over me and my whole desk. Jessica is still cracking up and making everyone come see my office. Live it up girl, we don't have much time on this planet!

[Alexandra 55]

Wow, Donali.

I love you. :mad:

[DeLarla 22]

I still say you ought to go out alone or with the girls, which will open your husband's eyes up real quick. Still get that makeover and buy those strappy shoes and little dress, but nix the panties and just be naughty! Well, that part is kind of a joke, but don't wait around for someone to bring you happiness. Sometimes we just gotta take it. My husband sometimes gives in and comes out with me even when he doesn't want to because he needs to see what I'm up to. Right now you're probably really predictable and dependable, so hubby doesn't "think" he has anything to worry about. Do something to raise his eyebrows. And nobody says you have to go completely wild. Start off slow by going to a movie alone or with some friends. Then build up to a glass of wine or coffee at some hip spot. I've had a few "fat comments" slung at me while out, but I've developed a good comeback. I simply thank the guy for his attraction to me and for his compliment and tell him if he didn't think I was hot, he wouldn't be looking! Boy, that really steams 'em. I'm scheduled for my band next week, but fat or thin, I have the same exact rights as anyone else, including the right to fun and happiness.

[GinnyWhite 0]

Well I guess I will put in my 2 cents,this is a situation I have considered myself. So I have made the chioce to try and seek some type of counseling. My husband and I are best buds and he is the sweetest guy ever but he too is how should I say it ? Huh lazy yep that's the word. He works nights 4-12 so he has plenty of time to do the things that could lighten my load and unfortantly more than less I have to draw him a picture of what needs to be done around here. But this is the person that loves me, and I love warts and all. Big, small, pretty, or whatever. I am not saying that he loved ya big so how could you leave him now what I am saying is you have alot of time invested with your husband and you both deserve the chance to enjoy the new you. I do think a little vacation would be nice with or without him but maybe you can suggest some marriage counseling if you have a marriage worth saving you will know it. Also you aren't missing much but a bunch of lonely souls looking for someone or something to satisfy them. Start with the hand your holding before you fold. And give it to God. Thanks for letting me share. Ginny

[DeLarla 22]

Great point about finding nothing but lonely souls out there... I never meant to suggest leaving her husband, just going out and having some fun. Worked for me since my huband never wanted to do anything, then about a year I ago I said, "screw it" and started doing things alone. Sure, I wish he'd be there with me going to the movies, meeting friends for coffee, walking on the Strip (hey, we live in Vegas and just walking amonst the tourists is fun.) After awhile, my husband didn't like me running all over town without him, so now on a rare occasion he actually comes with me and does the whole "holding hands thing." I guess my main point is that a lot of women are really dependable and predictable, so their men don't feel they have to contribute much. The know very well that wifey WILL be home, and she WILL clean the house, cook, shop, etc. But it never fails, once the men start taking notice and acknowledging their wive's new found independence, it becomes a concern and they realize "hey, this wife of mine is serious." I've gone through this with a couple women. Sometimes you have to make the guy sit alone at home at night wondering if you'll be back. Also, no matter what men say, they are more attracted to strong, independent women that dependable ones that are always there to serve. Men are hunters - they need a little chase and a lot of challenge.

[donali 57]

Men are hunters - they need a little chase and a lot of challenge.

LMAO - DeLarla, you really crack me up!

I'll bet your husband has his hands full, and wishes he was more of a "gatherer" than a "hunter".

:mad:

[bbrecruiter2000 1]

Hi my wise friends,

Donali: Your post was brilliant and insightful. There was a time that I was madly in love with my husband. My husband is Dutch and we met in Holland. We were thrown together by fate and then after dating 9 months I became pregnant with our first child. We married when I was 7 months pregnant. I would have been happy to stay living together. ( I had come out of a relationship of 5 years and did not want to marry again). I was very young when I met my first husband who was German and more of a father figure than a husband. For obvious and (unobvious) reasons, we had to marry before the baby was born. I have always been unsure how he has truly felt about me or if out of loyalty and obligation he married me. It is true what you say. If I want to fall in love again, I probably could. And it is a relationship worth salvaging.

Alex: Kudos to you as well. I dont really want to be single, but I realllllly need attention and romance. I dont want to have to get it from others. I have a good life and most people would say I am extremely fortunate. Beautiful children, loyal husband, gorgeous house and a successful business. Unfortunately, I still feel there is a large empty void.

Megan: Your idea is wonderful. Unfortunately, we do not have family or friends that can take care of our children for a weekend. But our former nanny lives in the area and I trust her to take care of my children for a weekend, so if we truly want to do something, I suppose we could. We are going on a family vacation in 4 weeks to the Dominican Republic. This might be a time to rekindle lost feelings.

It seems I have a lot of headwork to do. For now, I am going to keep things status quo. I had another chat with my husband yesterday and told him about the low self esteem issues and my lack of faith in myself. I also let him know that I really dont know what I want to do and I am not sure it can work, but I'm still here so that is a positive sign. No promises, but I have not packed my bags.

Thanks so much for all of your advice. It is really appreciated.

Babs in TX

334/223/180

-111

6/23/03

[GinnyWhite 0]

you guys are all great, I look forward to getting to know you all better. Ginny

[kellymoos 4]

bbrecruiter2000---I just wanted to check on you and see how things were going and how you were doing....Hope all is well. Let me know how you are....