female only Rock and a Hard Place

[Globetrotter 1,340]

So we lose a lot of weight, hopefully make goal, maybe even go beyond. We become average, fit, thin. We wouldn't stand out in a crowd for the largeness of our size, maybe even the opposite in our chubby American society. We get attention like we didn't before. Romantic attention. So, how do we accept the "feelings" of these people who are now attracted to us, when we (pretty much) know we would have been invisible to them before? How can we believe that they are attracted to us for who we are, when we know the dirty little secret ... that WHAT we are makes all the difference.

How?

[DisneyAddict 10]

So we lose a lot of weight, hopefully make goal, maybe even go beyond. We become average, fit, thin. We wouldn't stand out in a crowd for the largeness of our size, maybe even the opposite in our chubby American society. We get attention like we didn't before. Romantic attention. So, how do we accept the "feelings" of these people who are now attracted to us, when we (pretty much) know we would have been invisible to them before? How can we believe that they are attracted to us for who we are, when we know the dirty little secret ... that WHAT we are makes all the difference.

How?

If you know you would've been invisible to them before (example: mr ex fratboy who hangs out by the Water cooler all day.. didn't know you were alive before and now you catch him checking you out?)... 2 questions actually... 1 - why would you be attracted to that personality in the first place and 2- why would you want to give that person the time of day? I mean this as far as romantically and friendships. I think life's entirely too short to waste it on relationships with people who are less than genuine/are Fakey McFakersons. They're never fullfilling relationships anyway and end up draining you emotionally. Either way... it's no good...especially when there are plenty of honestly genuine, loving, accepting people in this world waiting to become your new friend/love that you just haven't met yet... but that's just my own personal loud mouthed opinion

[thinoneday 445]

So we lose a lot of weight, hopefully make goal, maybe even go beyond. We become average, fit, thin. We wouldn't stand out in a crowd for the largeness of our size, maybe even the opposite in our chubby American society. We get attention like we didn't before. Romantic attention. So, how do we accept the "feelings" of these people who are now attracted to us, when we (pretty much) know we would have been invisible to them before? How can we believe that they are attracted to us for who we are, when we know the dirty little secret ... that WHAT we are makes all the difference.

How?

Excellent post here! We have to adjust to our new selves, we have not only learned how to deal with new eating habits, we also have to learn to readjust ourselves to our new us. . . as far as dealing with people who are attracted to us and how do we know? Well that is something I can't answer. . . but being the B that I am what i find myself doing is the following. . those men who didn't have the decency to even say hello to me when i was bigger, surely DO NOT get any kind of niceness from me now. . . I actually snob them if they talk to me . . . or laugh at them. . . mean I know but hey "what goes around comes around" I'm very used to major abuse from people so if it comes back to me, oh well what else should i have expected. . . just my thoughts

[Secret Surgery 34 4]

Not to start anything BUT I have to totally disagree. I know for me I would not have been attracted to me a few months back and it would not be a weight thing. Pre surgery I had zero self confidence. I was depressed. I didn't take care of myself, always Waring big oversized sweatshirts and sweats. No pep in my step. Not caring what or how much I put in my body. Did I mention depressed. I felt like a failure. And now......

I have lost 30 lbs still have 50 to go but just the fact that I am losing I am soooo happy. I am no longer depressed. I don't feel like a failure any more. I have my pep back. I am taking care of myself again, fitting jeans & shirts, makeup. I feel better about me and that alone makes me hotter. IMO So I might be shallow but I find it hard to be attracted to someone who is not taking care of themselves. I really hope I don't upset anyone with this. That is not my intention. I just wanted to put another view out there.

[M2G 1,836]

I'm in the camp of if someone couldn't give me the time of day before surgery, and all of the sudden are checking their clocks and tripping over themselves to give me the time of day, well, I think that sucks.

I have always believed that you don't judge a book by it's cover, but I do see some of what Secret Surgery 34 is saying. I know personally I am harder on myself than I would be towards another person who might weigh the same as I do. And I think feeling attactive about ourselves is a huge step in being attractive to someone else.

I have been married for almost 15 years to a wonderful soul, who BTW has seen me at many different weights over those last 15 (okay 19 years if you count dating) and has never complained about my weight or made me feel bad about whatever weight I happen to be at. I think he is rare gem, but it just goes to show you that true love comes from loving another person and everything that makes up that person, NOT just what you see on the outside.

[Globetrotter 1,340]

I knew that would be the response, *sigh*. It's not just the jackhole frat-boy types. Even "good" men are susceptible to it. I have this nightmare idea of getting involved with a guy and a couple dates in cooking for him at my place and he sees pictures of me in my former body and makes some disparaging remark, not knowing that it is me. I know this sounds a little like an episode from a crappy movie but, there it is. I don't want this surgery to be everything about me.

[Eureka-C 20]

Actually globetrotter, I like that test! Show him some pics and don't tell him who.

My hubby likes girls with a little more curve. He has been supportive of me no matter what weight I am. He is more concerned about my health. Once early in our relationship when I was being self conscious about my body when he was complimenting me, he told me (something like) "I like everything about you. I find you sexy and attractive, when you put yourself down it's like you are rejecting my opinion, saying I'm too dumb to know what I like. It would be like if I said 'this is a great steak' and you said 'nope it tastes like leather' it's really annoying to have your opinion undermined and it's hurtful when Its about someone I love and cherish." he has also made great points about me finding clothes that fit no matter my size. He has done more for my self esteem in 12 years than anyone. I think if we met and I was skinny, he would have been just as sensitive a guy, and I would have seen that clearly.

[DisneyAddict 10]

I knew that would be the response, *sigh*. It's not just the jackhole frat-boy types. Even "good" men are susceptible to it. I have this nightmare idea of getting involved with a guy and a couple dates in cooking for him at my place and he sees pictures of me in my former body and makes some disparaging remark, not knowing that it is me. I know this sounds a little like an episode from a crappy movie but, there it is. I don't want this surgery to be everything about me.

You know, I think along with this surgery comes finding our confidence (again? for the first time?) and the ability to realize we're NOT those heavy people anymore who have to feel like they take what they can get if that makes sense? Maybe I'm wording it poorly... anyway... what I'm trying to say is if it does play out the way you say and some dingdong man makes a comment without realizing it's you... you can tell him "umm that's me" and gauge the reaction from there. He'll either be mortified by his comment and apologize (or ask questions) or he'll be a jackass and you can show him the door.

Good men (and to be fair women) can get eat up with the dumbass sometimes and say thoughtless things without trying to be mean. It's in their reaction that helps seperate them from the jackasses.

[feedyoureye 3,087]

Actually globetrotter, I like that test! Show him some pics and don't tell him who.

My hubby likes girls with a little more curve. He has been supportive of me no matter what weight I am. He is more concerned about my health. Once early in our relationship when I was being self conscious about my body when he was complimenting me, he told me (something like) "I like everything about you. I find you sexy and attractive, when you put yourself down it's like you are rejecting my opinion, saying I'm too dumb to know what I like. It would be like if I said 'this is a great steak' and you said 'nope it tastes like leather' it's really annoying to have your opinion undermined and it's hurtful when Its about someone I love and cherish." he has also made great points about me finding clothes that fit no matter my size. He has done more for my self esteem in 12 years than anyone. I think if we met and I was skinny, he would have been just as sensitive a guy, and I would have seen that clearly.

Lucky you. Sounds like hes awesome.

[LilMissDiva Irene 3,281]

I have been married for almost 15 years to a wonderful soul, who BTW has seen me at many different weights over those last 15 (okay 19 years if you count dating) and has never complained about my weight or made me feel bad about whatever weight I happen to be at. I think he is rare gem, but it just goes to show you that true love comes from loving another person and everything that makes up that person, NOT just what you see on the outside.

Amen! I'm not sad I have to go date now, Ive been with my husband since I was 21 years old. He has loved me through VERY thick and now (getting) thin. I was already overweight when we met, but he never let me think I wasn't anything other than beautiful inside and out in his eyes.

Everyone deserves to be loved unconditionally. I do think a lot goes into how one feels about themselves too though. How can anyone expect someone else to love them, if they can't love themselves? That's just my opinion, on that matter. As far as the jerk who only notices thin bodies and big boobs - he can go take a flying leap and eat his heart out.

[Tiffykins 672]

Not to start anything BUT I have to totally disagree. I know for me I would not have been attracted to me a few months back and it would not be a weight thing. Pre surgery I had zero self confidence. I was depressed. I didn't take care of myself, always Waring big oversized sweatshirts and sweats. No pep in my step. Not caring what or how much I put in my body. Did I mention depressed. I felt like a failure. And now......

I have lost 30 lbs still have 50 to go but just the fact that I am losing I am soooo happy. I am no longer depressed. I don't feel like a failure any more. I have my pep back. I am taking care of myself again, fitting jeans & shirts, makeup. I feel better about me and that alone makes me hotter. IMO So I might be shallow but I find it hard to be attracted to someone who is not taking care of themselves. I really hope I don't upset anyone with this. That is not my intention. I just wanted to put another view out there.

I agree with this completely. I never had an issue with dating, or putting myself out there. I was confident, flirty, fun at 270lbs. I gave myself way more credit than anyone else, and I truly believe that my self-worth was NOT related to my jean size. I deserved the best, and refused to settle for less than everything from my friends and lovers.

I will say that YES, I get hit on a lot more at a size 2 than I did at a size 24W, but I still attracted men. Many times it was because I carried myself well, and did not mope around in a pity party because of my weight.

I have several obese to morbidly obese girlfriends. I was actually a very active member of a BBW and Admirers group in Dallas. I was like the fricken head cheerleader. And, all the girls that didn't get asked out, were the "woe is me" type, they never saw themselves worth more than a piece of a$$, and thought their girly bits were lined with gold and giving up sex would land a man. Well, all it did was land them in more emotional turmoil. I was asked a lot "why don't you date these guys that are chasing you?" Ehhh I knew they weren't going to be there for the long haul, and when I wouldn't go out with them, Guess what happened? ? ? Those same, "I'm not worthy" girls would sling leg then be devastated when the douchebag moved on to someone else. I saw it more times than I care to count. If I wanted to hump someone, I did it on my terms. I didn't do it because I felt bad about myself, nor did I ever believe that I was not worthy because I was fat.

I agree that it really has more to do with the sheer fact that after major weight loss people become more confident not only in our physical appearance, but emotionally and mentally, they are stronger, and believe in themselves.

Of course, this is all coming from a cocky, arrogant, overly confident former fat girl, but it's what I've witnessed over the last decade of being the fun, hot fat girl ! ! !

[Globetrotter 1,340]

Wow, everybody has given me a lot to think about. I have always carried myself well, I know when I'm turning a man on, I've gotten attention even at my heaviest. I guess the fragile part that is emerging right now is some broken little part of me that wants to hiss in my ear, "he wouldn't think you were so wonderful if he knew what you ARE, what you WERE, ffffffffffffat!" I know it is toxic, I know it is ugly, and I know it is utter bullshit. But the academic mind can know something while the heart and soul remain ignorant.

I think a little panic might also be setting in too. I'm still obese on the BMI chart, still over 200 lbs, but what is in the mirror now is drastically different from pre-op, even I can now see it, it is noticeable. The less control I had over my body, the more control was important in my life and now I don't know what to do in this uncharted territory and I have no girlfriends to sit down and talk to, I work with nothing but men.

I'm in a size 16 jeans, a large tee. The last time I was in a 16 I was a 19 year old sorority chick, a naive and foolish girl with romantic dreams and nothing was more important then the flirtations that may happen at the next frat party. Am I going to regress into that childish womanhood? I have no guidance - I don't know how to recognize if a man finds me attractive! I'm starting to ramble because my panic is blooming.

I know how to hunt for a piece of a$$ when I'm horny, what I don't know squat about is letting a man get close to me in all other ways. Am I making sense at ALL? =(

[feedyoureye 3,087]

Globetrotter, Even if you don't know everything, its clear to me that you are one smart cookie. Just do your research, read relationship books, talk to a councilor if you can, take your time. I would say, just stay out of bed for a while, get to know the guys well, and love yourself enough to be good to yourself. Perhaps meet some gal pals outside of work? Have you tried meetups? http://www.meetup.com/ there are lots of options to meet new women friends as well as men with real similar interests.

[juliarh 35]

I think this is the perennial question -- does a person like us for us or for how we look? Do looks really matter? On a certain level they do, at least initially. But the real question, I think, becomes does this person care what I look like after the initial infatuation? And does it matter what I was in his/her perception of what I am now?

I think I know what you mean, Globe. About 10 years ago, I lost 75 pounds and was under 200. I was thrilled and loved how I felt and looked. I was married and so the attention of other men wasn't important to me -- but I got it nonetheless and it was really uncomfortable because I had been fat all my adult life and didn't know how to adequately fend off unwanted attention. And then, too, I was pissed that all of a sudden I was getting attention when before, because I was fat, I was just a loud mouthed b**ch (or a woman who stuck up for herself).

Like a lot of others here, I've been fortunate in that my husband has always loved me through thick and thin. But others' attention was not so consistent.

And, frankly, that goes for a lot of females as well. After I lost the weight, a lot of females all of sudden wanted to be my friend because I was attractive enough to hang around. Prior to losing weight, I guess I wasn't. Still pisses me off to think of it.

How do we know who likes us for us?? I think it becomes really obvious. You have to judge them on how they judge others -- do they stick up for those who have no one to battle for them? Are they empathetic? Do they try to put themselves in others' shoes? When presented with a situation in which they can choose to be nasty or choose to be kind, will they usually choose be kind? How do they talk about people behind their backs? Do they treat others as they would want to be treated??

It's hard, it's soooo scary. I remember when I had lost that weight and my boss's boss was in the elevator with me and had never said boo to me before and then all of a sudden he came on to me! I was stupefied -- I had never dealt with getting hit on as a married woman, much less by a superior. So I was mute. I guess now that I'm older I would have reacted differently.

At least for me, the fat provided a form of emotional insulation -- most jerks didn't bother me, so I didn't have to deal with them. Now, it's gonna be a whole new adventure -- I think the answer lies in trusting our own instincts -- we know that there is more to a person than their size or their appearance. I think we just have to continue to be us, despite no insulation!

Most importantly, if the guy can't understand where you've come from, how the hell is he supposed to understand where you need to go??

[Globetrotter 1,340]

Exactly Julie, exactly.

I have been insulated by my fat since freshman year in college, an experience I was in no way whatsoever prepared for. I grew up so sheltered and the friends I had I had known throughout childhood. SO I didn't know how to defend myself. Then, I gained a lot of weight and the more weight I gained, the friendlier the females became, and I was always starving for friendship. Boys as romantic objects were scary because I had so little experience in that arena, so as I gained a lot of weight they became more buddy brotherly and that was handleable.

My fat insulation gave me so much protection; I could speak my mind and be passionately intellectual and have men actually hear hat I was saying because god knows they weren't looking at my body. I could live in sketch neighborhoods and be safe because I didn't have a suspiciously thin body indicating wealth, I had fat rolls that fit right in. I could also stealthily steal men because nobody suspects the fat chick. and in so doing I could get a little bitter revenge on the type of people who enjoyed my fatness so much in those early years. My insulation meant I never had to think about having an attachment to anyone else - you don't have to worry about losing what you don't/can't have.

And now, it's getting stripped away. I want it to go away, I'm tired of living locked in the highest tower of the castle. But, it's the only adulthood I've ever known. I've aways been nice to men but, they are so aggressive now, my niceness will be mistaken for something. I'm insulated in another way, right now, from American society and having to deal and re-learn; I'm embedded in Iraq with the US Army, surrounded by soldiers, but that will end soon. I'm afraid to rejoin society, in so many ways. Afraid of the loneliness, afraid of ... life.