Where did I go? Who am I now?

[PhotoNut 7]

Bermy and I were talking on the Before and After Picture thread and I thought we should move the discussion here because the topic is so close to my heart. I hope she doesn't mind me quoting her..

Hey Bermy.. I'll be happy to sit and exchange compliments with you. I just cannot believe how youthful you look now. Life must be so completely different for you now. It's not a whole lot different for me yet, but I imagine by the time I lose another 100 pounds, I'll be crowing about the changes! Oh.. and I started in a size 26 pants (soft stretch pants at that!) and my 4x tops were getting too small. :confused:

Actually Photo its a lot harder than I thought it would be. I threw away large underwear an hour ago and now nothing of the old me is left as far as clothes go. I find it very emotional and very personal, sheding the old self and having to redefine myself. I hated the fat but I understood it. Girl I pass mirrors and dont recognize myself. Im taking phots with my daughter 19 and i never did that before because I hated seeing myself so fat. Im thrilled, a little scared and releived to shed this fat

This was my biggest fear once the decision was made to get the band. Everytime it would really hit me that I was actually going to see 130 pounds again, pure cold panic would run through me. How was I going to be treated by family, friends, me?! once I was no longer "me". Now, everytime I have to go buy new clothes I stop and think... Wow, I have bought the same pants and shirts for years now. I know how to "hide" myself behind material. How on earth do I dress myself now? Im not young anymore so I cant dress like I did when I was 17. But... I'll weigh what I did when I was 17. Confusion abounds... how do I stay comfortable with this new person in the mirror??

[Jachut 487]

I think it depends which direction you approach it from. To me, I never acknowledged how fat I got. I simply stopped seeing myself. So I dont feel like a different person now, its just that what I see in the mirror is reality, not what I wish I were seeing.

I have had no anxiety shedding that fat person whatsoever. I still dont really know how fat I got or what I truly looked like. There dont exist many photos of me, not that I consciously avoided them but when I posted in the before and after the other night, looking at that old photo of me was painful. I couldnt make myself really "look" at it.

So I just refused to acknowledge what I had become, its just that now my image matches my imagination.

[3loves 0]

Jacqui ~ That's exactly how I feel. I don't see the fat person in the mirror that everyone else sees on the outside. I feel like a thin person inside. I guess it is a form of denial. I would see a pic and think holy cow, who is that, it can't be me. :confused: I have always known from a young age who I am and what I stand for.....things do change as you wise up and grow older, but my value system is still the same. It's obvious I deal with emotional eating which has contributed to me becoming MO, but some of that has even been financial struggles and has nothing to do with my core person. I can't wait to transform though. At St. Vincent, they have the butterfly as a mascot. I sent my DH to buy one in the gift shop and don't you know, they were closed! :phanvan Anyway, the point is, we are all coming out of our cocoons and turning into beautiful butterflies.

Spread you wings and fly!!

[Mary Ann 0]

I totally agee with you ladies. In my mind, I'm 130 lbs. I don't like having my picture taken and I actually don't like seeing pictures of myself before I gained all this weight because it really depresses me. I can't to be a normal size and have curves in place of buldges.

[tracylou 0]

Hi i wish i could feel different i am still big 15st 7lb but have lost 18lbs i fill like i will always think like a fat girl i have gone down 1 dress size but still look at my old size 24 cant bring myself to look or buy anything in smaller sizes my hubby wants me to buy something 2 or 3 sizes to small and work towards it. sounds a good idea but dont know if i will get there

sounds like your doing great well done

Tracy

[sisterfunkhaus 3]

Im not young anymore so I cant dress like I did when I was 17. But... I'll weigh what I did when I was 17. Confusion abounds... how do I stay comfortable with this new person in the mirror??

I vote that you DO dress like you're 17:D Why not??? You are losing weight and lookin good :clap2:

[Dancer 0]

WOW! Thank you all for sharing....I never realized that I wasn't the only one who felt I really was as a thin person. I never felt like a fat person, I always felt like I was thin trapped in a fat person's body. I guess it really is a form of denial. I hate pictures of myself. In fact, I didn't take before pictures because I didn't want to know....I thought what if I don't do that well, wouldn't the picture just be more proof that I failed? Now I wish that I had.

I keep intending to grab my camera, but I don't know if I can face it yet.

Thank you all for sharing. You all amaze and inspire me on a daily basis!

[Telly 4]

I'm here! I didn't go anywhere, I'm just reborn. I'm the same person, just more confident, more happy. I am not having a difficult time at all. I find myself looking sideways in the mirror 50 times per day. I am not scared of what's to come. I welcome everything.

[Alexandra 55]

This topic hits home for me, too. I've always been the largest person in the room, the biggest one in my circle, etc. I always acted like a thin person because I was surrounded by them--I never had any fat friends--and being big really didn't slow me down any. Then once, in 1990, I went on Optifast because I was getting married. I lost 75 lbs in 12 weeks and the wedding pictures show a different "me" than any that I have from other times in my life. It was a very weird and disturbing time; I was giddy at the weight loss but HATED being the center of attention all the time. As soon as the fast was over I went back to eating "normally" and my weight came back on over the next several years.

Now all that's left of that experience is the negative sensation that I wish I'd never done it--it just showed me that being thinner was "better" and my inability to keep the weight off added to my misery. In addition to being fat, which I'd always been, I was now a FAILURE as well.

But the loss this time has been different. It's been slower, more moderate, giving me time to get my head and body around it. I had time this time to wear clothes in intermediate sizes for more than a week at a time, and though I've continued losing well beyond the low point I reached before I have never felt like a stranger in the mirror the way I did last time. Sometimes, sure, I have to look twice, but it's never with a sense of non-recognition.

Slower is better, in all sorts of ways.

[Telly 4]

That is soo true DonnaB.

Before I was banded, I didn't go out shopping or do dinner dates with friends because I felt too fat. I didnt' feel like tugging at my clothes, or hiding behind my oversized purse, etc.

In my own mirror, I didn't look sooo fat as I did in pictures. I believe that I became used to myself and thought I was ok. I also didn't realize how fat I really was until I went grocery shopping and saw that a majority of the people shopping around me were smaller than I was in weight. I think that's why I was more of a homebody, simply b/c I always compared myself to the majority and I realized, I was obese. I felt safer in my home, where I didn't have to see what normal sized people looked like compared to myself. So I guess I was in hiding. Very sad.

I am at a point of no return and I'm happy. That old me was never comfortable, always complaining, unhappy wife, unhappy mom and very insecure. I didn't know that person, I didn't like her. She's fading away very fast and I won't miss her.

[HeatherGurl 0]

As I sit here at my desk I feel like a million bucks. I love the way my heart feels, I love the way I don't run out of breath...

BUT, I still look at myself as a 365 lb fat girl! I look in the mirror and see the same person that has always been there. I can't tell that there is 115 lbs gone.

I love my body, but I don't "SEE" it. Until, like Donna said.... I see a picture.

I am definitely not scared of getting skinny, but I just don't see that when I look in a mirror.

This is a great thread, really made me think for a minute!

[TommyO 5]

<TABLE id=HB_Mail_Container height="100%" cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="100%" border=0 UNSELECTABLE="on"><TBODY><TR height="100%" UNSELECTABLE="on" width="100%"><TD id=HB_Focus_Element vAlign=top width="100%" background="" height=250 UNSELECTABLE="off">I think it comes down to self definition and if part of how you define yourself is based on physical appearance. This does not mean to imply any sort of shallow values.

On the whole females tend to place greater emphasis on physical appearance in there self definition. As a man I would place this item very low on my list so it has never been a concern. If you are having trouble with the change in you appearance it's somewhat based on your internal definition and your fear of losing you.

A great way to get through this is by holding a simple ceremony that says farewell to that part of you that is gone. This is not as weird as it seems, many religions perform this sort of ritual at different times in an individuals life to mark significant change. Examples include, Bar/Bat Mitzvahs (sorry if the spelling is wrong) and Confirmations signifying the change from child to adult. Weddings signify the change from single to married and funerals provide the grief strcken a chance to sat farewell.

I have a personal ritual I perform when I make significant life changes to help me say a fond farewell to the old and a great big happy hello to the new. What I do is I cross a bridge and crossing the bridge signifies to me a passing from one stage to another. The significance of the bridge is that it allows me to look back at something that was beautiful as I move ahead. Every time I cross that bridge it reminds of of the commitment I have made as well as allows me to look back fondly on an earlier stage.

The performing of the ritual allows you to say goodbye and hello all at the same time. It can be fun and it will certainly allow you to get rid of that old underwear.

Cheers and Good Luck

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[Telly 4]

Good idea. LOL. I have old grandma undies that just need to be tossed. I think I'll have an underwear burning ritual with a picture of my older fatter self and say a poem. It should be titled, "buh bye"

Great idea and I will do this today.

[Randi 0]

I too feel trapped in a fat body. I'm currently going through the process of insurance of approval to be banded, but was still kinda on the fence about being banded. You guys hit me where I live today with this thread. Thanks!

[Woodys 0]

I very rarely went shopping for myself and would make excuses not to socialize.....mostly with particular groups where I knew I would feel very self conscious about my weight. My excess weight has prevented me from showing people who I really am....I'm less confident, quieter, not so quick to speak my opinion, hesitant to be funny or participate in fun things because I don't want to draw attention to myself.

I knew I was fat because I could see it and feel it.....but it really hit home with me 3 months ago when I reached the point where it was difficult for me to clean myself after using the toilet......I know this sounds disgusting and that maybe you don't want to go there with these thoughts but it is FACT for me.......I cried....I cried so hard that I couldn't control myself. Then the self loathing started......I couldn't believe that I allowed that to happen.....it was all my fault....there was nothing or no one to blame but me for reaching that size that this would happen. I hated myself so much, you can't imagine the thoughts that were running through my head.:think

This was totally unacceptable, there is NOTHING at all that would make this okay......I didn't want to know how to cope, how to work around it, how to adjust.....to me ADJUSTMENT was not acceptable.

It was then that I called the Clinic and booked the earliest possible consult.

I swore I would never look back after I vowed to change this...but I have to look back....it's necessary to keep that feeling strong, to keep the comittment strong.

Carol