female only Tired of not being picked

[citygal 0]

This probably doesn't belong on this site, but I'm feeling like crying and thought I would just write what I'm thinking which I think has been giving be head hunger all day.

I'm 51 had a very short lived and disastorous marriage about 4 years ago...I know my weight has kept me from opportunities to explore relationships with men I've really been attracted to who I know have liked me on every level but haven't been attracted to me physically. I'm not angry at them...I have my preferences too and I understand attraction is an important component.

So about 2 months ago I met someone (from a personal ad) who I had a couple of really amazing dates....we communicated almost every day and then a month ago he started a new job and he's gone almost radio silent. I totally understand being busy and priorities, but he hasn't even checked in since I've been back from my surgery. I had fallen into some of my school girl crush stuff...thinking he might be someone long term. Two of my best pals who were both single for years and years just celebrated one year anniversarys with their new partners and although I am over the moon thrilled for them....it just feels like another place I'm not picked.

I was tempted to write him but decided that I deserve someone who would have made an effort to see how I am....I did have surgery after all...nobody is that busy....so I'm not writing to him...I'm writing on here instead.

All my fat girl stuff is raging right now. Years of being told I wasn't pretty...years of acting confident and pulled together when I was shaking inside. Being a 300 pound woman has made me invisable to men....I told someone today that it's not that I get bad looks...It's just they look right through me. Now I'm over 50 and it feels like I've wasted so many years and opportunities.

Ok...I'm whiney, and sad and I'm going to go take out my contacts...cry a couple of tears and then put on my big girl panties and hit my knees and express my gratitude for all the blessings I do have....my heart just hurts a little right now...

If you read this....thank you for indulging me....

[MINI-Me 196]

I think many of us can identify with what you wrote. I don't know what to say except be true to yourself and learn to love who you are. Love may come or it may not - but you always have to live with yourself.

Hugs to you.

[stoongal 10]

Aw honey,

I am sure every woman on this site can relate to your emotions right now, been there, done that sort of thing.

Maybe he will do a double take if he meets you in 6 months, if not him, others will! and before long after that you may have to beat them off with a stick! LOL!! And you will be the one doing the picking!

Just know you aare doing the best you know how right now, and you are

pretty vulnerable and obviously, he is not ready for you at this stage in his life.

Someone special will connect with you down the road, and you are not too old! I am 72 and I know the older guys' eyes follow me while they sit on the benches at the mall as I walk by, because I have a new confidence and it shows in my body language.

In the meantime, think positive thoughts and get out walking for fitness and you will begin to feel better with every pound you shed! You will LOVE your sleeve! and yourself and that special someone who will appreciate you in the future! Believe it!

Donna

[LAN2k 18]

There are many many single slim and beautiful woman in this world who have had the same thing happen to them. In spite of youth, good looks and figures they are without, significant others. If you were able to find a guy who enjoyed your company even if for a short while, you will surely find others when your confidence in yourself builds as you see your body taking on a new form. As for being over 50--there is still youth in you yet..I hope you can let go and focus on yourself for a while as you are in for a huge transformation. Best wishes as you move forward.

[Cherrydrop 0]

I feel for you right now, most of us have probably been in your shoes. I've also found that when there aren't exactly hoards of guys pounding the door down, it is all too easy to form an extra attraction to the one or two that do.

Chin up cityGal, in six months form now, you'll have your pick of the very best of them, and the thoughtless hound who hasn't even bothered to contact you since your surgery will be firmly a part of your past where he belongs.

Best of luck to you, love

Sandra x

[lmmore 0]

Write to him!!!!!!!

You have nothing to lose, and only to gain.

Les

[Oregondaisy 2,019]

Don't worry about a thing! Go in and read my posts about dating 2 guys at the same time!

Believe me, I know exactly how you feel. I was on so many online dating sites for so long and was rejected time and time again. Now I have 2 guys who want to make a long term commitment to me and I don't want to give either one of them up.

Just concentrate on yourself right now. When the weight comes off, you'll be having the time of your life!

[pnw218 14]

I am sorry you are going thru this!

Since you mentioned the "school girl crush stuff" .... it made me think of my 15 yr old daughter. She was having a "thing" (apparently what they call it before you are an actual couple these days??) with a guy at her high school. It was probably the longest close friendship she has had with a boy so far - about a month. Then he all of sudden quit texting or talking to her. She was really strong on the outside, I hope she was on the inside also. I am glad that she felt comfortable talking to myself and her dad. So after a week of being ignored ....

She comes into my room tonite to tell me all about the "new" guy! She is all happy and bubbly again!

Citygal ~ I have to believe this will happen to you also. A better guy will come along. And hopefully, when you get closer to your goal, you will run into this guy somewhere and he will be so sad that he passed up the chance to be "the one".

Believe in yourself. It is his loss!

[ouroborous 519]

I'm not sure if men are allowed to post, and I don't know if this will help, but...

The "you're great, but... [you're too fat]" thing goes both ways. I can't count the number of times that I -- naturally a fairly shy man -- finally got the courage up to ask out a girl I was attracted to, and was told something like "I like you, like a brother" or "let's just be friends." It's more polite than the "radio silence" you mention, but still the message is the same: you're a great person, but because you're so fat, you're unacceptable.

It even goes further, for me. When I was a good deal younger -- but still pretty heavy -- there was a very beautiful girl who, for some bizarre reason, seemed fairly fixated on me. In retrospect, she was sending me EVERY sign that she wanted some kind of intimate relationship with me, but I was so sure that I was fat and unattractive, that I "froze up" and didn't reciprocate, and the opportunity was lost (one of my "normal" weight "friends" swooped in on her). In retrospect, it turns out that she wouldn't have been good for me, but still, it makes me wonder how many experiences I missed out on because I didn't think I was good enough.

In a weird way, I sorta get why we don't get picked for the mating dance when we're fat. Despite all the Disney films in the world telling us that "it's what's inside that counts," the bottom line is that in many ways dating and marriage are about breeding and genetics. On many unconscious levels, we are attracted to someone because we think we would make good, strong, smart, healthy children with them (well, maybe not explicitly, since that wouldn't explain homosexuality, but you can't deny that basic health is almost always a prerequisite for attraction). So, it's unsurprising that we obese people might not get "picked" because let's face it, who'd want unhealthy, obese kids?

But even knowing all of this evolutionary psychology stuff, it's hard to be the one who's constantly waiting by the sidelines in life. Even knowing that there's a biological basis for it, that doesn't make it any easier when you feel like you're defective because you're fat.

And that may be the worst part -- not just the rejection from society, but the internalization of it. Once you start to buy into it, once you start to buy into the idea that you're defective and undesirable because of your weight, you really start to live your life differently -- you stop taking chances, and you avoid situations where you just "know" you won't be accepted. And that may be the biggest tragedy of all.

Ultimately, it would be great if society didn't reject fat people, but like I said, I think a good portion of it is wired into our biology. And with the sleeve surgery, we finally have a chance to escape the physical trap; it's up to US to learn how to escape the mental trap.

[Tiffykins 672]

I've definitely felt the same way many years ago. All I can offer you is that you won't be ignored, or stared through once you believe in yourself, and you love yourself.

It took me years to love myself. I didn't always "like" myself, and my weight, but I loved myself. I figured out that before someone could love me, I had to love myself.

Love yourself for taking such a fabulous step towards a healthier and happier future. Love yourself for all the great traits you have. And, remember you are a work in progress. We are all works in progress. You will find love, you are deserving to have love, and you are worthy of love regardless of your pant size.

[Tiffykins 672]

I've had this saved for several years (like 8 years) in my email inbox. A very wise, dear friend sent it to me, and I read it often during my single years. I bolded the ones that really struck a chord with me, and my life.

If A Man Wants U

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.

If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.

Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.

Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.

Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that's not meant to be.

Slower is better.

Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.

If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you

deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends."

A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend. Don't settle.

If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.

Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.

The only person you can control in a relationship is you.

Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, Why would he treat you any differently?

Always have your own set of friends separate from his.

Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.

If something bothers you, speak up.

Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.

You cannot change a man's behavior.

Change comes from within.

Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are... even

if he has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god.

He is a man, nothing more nothing less.

Never let a man define who you are.

Never borrow someone else's man.

If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.

A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.

All men are NOT dogs.

You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is two way street.

You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute

about baggage... deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship

You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...a relationship

consists of two WHOLE individuals...look for someone complimentary...not supplementary.

Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.

Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always know where you are,

and your always readily available to him- he takes it for granted.

Never move into his mother's house. Never co-sign for a man.

(Hallelujah,thank you Jesus!)

Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need and want. Keep him in your radar but get to know others.

[Itstime 0]

Tiffy,

Love this, printing it!

[Chancie 65]

I gotta chime in here......

I met a guy on line back in December.... we chat everyday.. he calls me... and we have met. Had some differences.. but then we connected again.. in the mean time..

I met another man thru my g/f.. was nice for a bit.. but he is a bit of a "loser".. and I am done with that... he's a great guy.. nice, polite, but not wanting to work and I am NOT having a man that won;t work.

Then....... I belong to a few singles sites... met a guy last week.. who lives right here by me... and it was so fast and spontanious... we met the next day... he has a motorcycle and he broght an extra helmet and we rode for a few hours....

Saw him the next day... and we are supppose to meet today at 4pm.

I really like him.. and he does know alot of the same people I do... and not sure if thats a good thing or not.

I have not been around alot of people because of my weight... and now that i'm thin. am sowing my "oats" so to speak... but I do like him.. but he is a "bad boy" if ya know what I mean.... I seem to attract them:scared0:

I'm kinda upset with the first guy... seems he's afraid of a "personal" committment... likes the "on line" thing.. and I want more.

We've all been where you are CityGal.... it suxs...

relationships are hard. and being 50 ( me included) doesn't make it easier.

I work in retail... and I notice men smiling more at me.. but why won;t they approach me??? I can't figure what I am doing wrong... I feel like I intimidate alot of men... even when I was "big" I always held my head high....... and I do now too..

Any suggestions?? Is it my body language?? I don't know..... I am confident.... I have to be. But tired of being alone.

But I am gonna have fun... it's time for me......... I have cared for everyone else but myself for the last 15 years!

Good luck to you!!

[citygal 0]

I appreciate those of you who have responded to my post. Although I don't hit that spot often, yesterday I bumped up against an old "soul bruise" and I think in combination with all the "stress" of surgery and making this enourmous life decision hit me hard.

I have a happy and successful life....however there are shadows from my years of being obese that sometimes block the sun.

Thanks for supporting me....

[MidwestGirl 8]

I've had this saved for several years (like 8 years) in my email inbox. A very wise, dear friend sent it to me, and I read it often during my single years. I bolded the ones that really struck a chord with me, and my life.

Thank you for posting this, Tiffy. I sent it to my best friend who is currently in one of those relationships where she knows it's unhealthy for her but feels like it's her duty to help him with his anger and addiction problems. Thank you.

I can't really relate because I've been lucky enough to find a great man who loved me when I was a big girl and will still love me when I'm thin! And looking ladies, I wish you all the best of luck in finding what you want! :biggrin2: