Background: I am 49, 5'5" and 227lbs. I have type II diabetes, high blood pressure and high cholesterol, sleep apnea and depression. I have completed 4 months of the 6 month required by insurance, weight loss attempt. I have dieted before and got to 190 lbs but it never lasts. I get discouraged and give up. I've been married five years. My husband is 6' and 175lb. His weight has not changed in five years!

On an impulse I went to True Results one day and checked out lapband surgery. I like the idea and want to get approved for insurance to cover the procedure. Since it was an impulse I didnt discuss this with Dan first.

After two months of appointments, Dan said he would rather put the money needed for surgery into a patio. I didn't comment since I wasn't entirely sure if I would want the band.

I just signed up for a gym membership with a personal trainer for 30 mins. 1 time per week. The trainer is concerned about the surgery having seen many complications from the band when he worked in a hospital.

At this point I am still keeping an open mind regarding all solutions and have started to try to lose weight. I was afraid if I lost much weight the insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, but I am ready to lose weight and feel it is in my best interest to at least try right now.

So last night I was telling Dan about the first meeting with personal trainer and how trainer is advising against the band and Dan said, again.... he would rather spend the money on the patio than a lapband for me.

I figure my out of pocket cost will be in the $2300 range and I have $1500 in flexible spending available. I feel like he is being a selfish b*st*rd but wonder am I really the selfish one?

I am a 42 year old husband and father, and I'm telling you your husband is the one being selfish. If this is what you want and you are ready for it, educate yourself as much as possible, but don't take advice from people that have a financial stake in you NOT getting it, like a Personal Trainer. Do what is right for you. Gyms are filled with people that would think we are all losers for doing this. I spoke to a good friend recently, and all they could ask was "Didn't you try diet and exercising?" Duh.

There could be complications to any procedure, but ask yourself if yourself if the outcome if worth it.

Your husband is selfish!!!!! So is your trainer!!! Invest in your health. I did it 6 years ago! Best thing I done getting banded. I also started off with loosing weight and Zumba! I am NOW a fitness instructor, and yes exercise is great and helps, but the band is the biggest winner for me, you will achieve great results with band and exercise. Self esteem grows as does confidence. SOD the patio. Good luck xx

your health totally comes first!!!!! it sounds like he knows if you change, he will have to change. he probably doesn't want that! just do it!!!!!!!! screw him and what he wants!!!!!! sorry i'm being so blunt but i would be really pissed off!!!!

You're not selfish for wanting to improve your health.

The trouble with your trainers experience is that it's anecdotal. Seeing people with complications while working at a hospital is like seeing broken cars when you operate a tow truck or seeing mice when you're an exterminator. People who are having success with the band don't generally wear t-shirts or introduce themselves by saying "hello I have a lap band and am experiencing no complications, would you like to hear about my toothbrushing routine?" <insert minor plea for people with WLS to think twice about keeping it a secret>

Regarding your husband I have to ask. Is the money really an issue? If this is just about the money then you should sit down with him and discuss the long term cost of your medical needs. The lap band is a much better financial investment than a patio. It's like comparing buying a home to buying video games.

All of that being said in addition to seeking advice from your health practitioner I strongly suggest you also start speaking to a mental health professional about how you will deal with the stress that WLS can cause. Not just for you personally but on your relationships as well. Your husband will need to cope with your decision as well and if he isn't supportive you'll need to deal with alot of additional feelings of rejection and alienation. This stress sin't insurmountable but you need to be prepared for it. Your body will experience alot of changes which will affect your thinking both in terms of self image and how your hormones influence your perceptions.

I really do not know how I am going to get over his lack of support for my decision. I'm almost sorry I posted tge ques

Don't be sorry you posted the question. You got the answers I suspect you expected. I'm sure it's difficult to come to terms with the fact that your life partner may not be supportive. If this is the case, know that you are not alone. There are plenty of people on this site with little or no family or friends supporting their decision. It was suggested you seek professional help if you will not have the support you need. I think it's a good suggestion.

Love yourself...take care of yourself. It's your life and you must come first. Value yourself. We find that such a difficult thing to do...especially if we are not happy with our physical selves but you are worth being healthy regardless of the cost...or difficult reactions from those we expect love us most. Good luck.

My wife didn't and still doesn't really support my need for WLS but I knew that beforehand I did the research myself, found a local support group, identified friends I could talk too, and most importantly started to become an active part of this community.

It boils down to the simple fact either you need WLS enough you're going to commit to it fully and make the changes in your life regardless of who doesn't approve or you just aren't ready yet. There's no shame in needing more time to prepare for such a major decision.

Wow talk about very insensitive I'm sorry that he said that to you you would think health is more important than a dam patio set

We went to visit Dan's dad in hosp. This week-end. 250 miles each way. Plenty of opportunity to chat. While with his family, I mentioned ill probably be getting lapband. Also told them Dan doesn't want me to get it because he wants to put money into backyard. He even tried to support his position further by saying how we have things to repair. I told him and his mom, just great, then you can enjoy patio while I'm dead. He gave an uncomfortable nod and grin. I'm so upset I just haven't been able to chit chat in the car. We are still on what I feel is a miserably quiet ride home. 90 more miles. About half an hour ago he said he will support my decision to get band. I should be relieved, and understanding that he just can't wrap his head around my issue with weight. .. instead I'm still very hurt. And pissed off. I've lost a lot bmp of respect for him.

We went to visit Dan's dad in hosp. This week-end. 250 miles each way. Plenty of opportunity to chat. While with his family, I mentioned ill probably be getting lapband. Also told them Dan doesn't want me to get it because he wants to put money into backyard. He even tried to support his position further by saying how we have things to repair. I told him and his mom, just great, then you can enjoy patio while I'm dead. He gave an uncomfortable nod and grin. I'm so upset I just haven't been able to chit chat in the car. We are still on what I feel is a miserably quiet ride home. 90 more miles. About half an hour ago he said he will support my decision to get band. I should be relieved, and understanding that he just can't wrap his head around my issue with weight. .. instead I'm still very hurt. And pissed off. I've lost a lot bmp of respect for him.

I am sorry your struggling , sometimes people without a life struggle with weight don't get it and never will and you will never convince them how important it is you may just have to do it without his support and know what choice you made was for your life health and well being

You are right mich. I've ordered the big lap band book and have read the book provided by true results. I have the support of my primary care physician and will make an educated decision for myself. It is my decision and I do work so I have my own money. It just really devaluates me when an effing patio is more important than me to my husband. I feel like a person who h as a roommate instead of a lobing caring spouse. I'm afraid I do need a good bit of counseling. I am not desiring the single life again. I'm on marriage number 3!! Once again, this is what I agreed to and I am wondering once again what have I done! Yep. I take antidepressants already, got that covered. Thanks to everyone here for your sippport. It does help to know I'm not being sensitive or selfish but sometimes being right doesn't bring on the warm fuzzys ill be fine. I'm strong. And I'm smart. Just fat and depressed! Lol.

You are right mich. I've ordered the big lap band book and have read the book provided by true results. I have the support of my primary care physician and will make an educated decision for myself. It is my decision and I do work so I have my own money. It just really devaluates me when an effing patio is more important than me to my husband. I feel like a person who h as a roommate instead of a lobing caring spouse. I'm afraid I do need a good bit of counseling. I am not desiring the single life again. I'm on marriage number 3!! Once again, this is what I agreed to and I am wondering once again what have I done! Yep. I take antidepressants already, got that covered. Thanks to everyone here for your sippport. It does help to know I'm not being sensitive or selfish but sometimes being right doesn't bring on the warm fuzzys ill be fine. I'm strong. And I'm smart. Just fat and depressed! Lol.

And a typo poster too! Bouncey car ride doesn't help me to type !

And a typo poster too! Bouncey car ride doesn't help me to type !