Lap Band and Divorce

[Mzhawkins 1]

I had my lap band in Oct of 2010. since thenI have lost over 70 pounds and my body along with my confidence has completely changed. for the better i might add. I have also opened up a new business that is doing very well. So needless to say allot has changed for me the past 8 months. I have been married to my high school sweetheart for 18 years and we have 4 kids, My question is how is everyone dealing with their new found life? Has anyone actually cheated on their spouse or significant other since loosing weight? I love my husband but i have to admit I have changed so much since the surgery. Sometimes I feel like I am getting a fresh chance to start all over again. I am really struggling in my marriage right now and wanting to know how everyone is dealing with life after loosing weight? Has anyone gotten a divorce after loosing weight? Please share your stories. Thanks in advance for all your support.

[trish151 33]

Sorry to hear about your struggle. For me, I have found that with every pound I lose, I am falling in love with my husband all over again. He cheers with me for every pound that I lose. He has listened to my frustrations for years and I find that the more I lose, the more he has gotten excited about getting healthy himself. My husband is 6'2" and skinney. However, he has been eating healthy with me and has started taking his Vitamins and fish oil (that I stick in his face), and he has been working out on the total gym and treadmill. For me, I knew before my surgery that I have a problem getting attention from other men. I had that problem before I gained all of the weight and quite honestly, I have used the weight for years to keep people away from me. It has always made me angry when I was thinner how men would approach me and use me or lie to me, etc. I have always been a very trusting person so I have used the weight to keep from getting hurt. Now, I know my husband married me because he really loves me. He said that when we got married and he has proven it over and over. He loved me when I weighed 263 lbs and he loves me now that I have lost 50 lbs.

I hope you can find peace with where you are and your changing body. I can tell you that I was single for many years and as you continue to change, you will attract the attention of more and more men. Not all of them will have honest intentions with you. Some men just like the eye candy. Other's just like the thrill of the chase. I count my blessings every day that I am not single. I was there for years and have met many men that were at the bottom of the barrel. I'm a firm believer that the grass is not greener on the other, it's greener where it is watered. Congrats on your 18 years of marriage. That is almost unheard of today and is something to be admired. I hope you remember that you didn't throw your old body away, you changed it.............I hope you won't throw your marriage away, but will find away just to change it and make it better.

[Awkward customer 5]

I must say I am hostile to the very concept of divorce, as if people are throwaway commodities. if you say you love your husband, then don't get divorced. How hard is that? And your husband loved you and stayed with you when you were fat? And all for a person who as soon as she lost a bit of weight started to think of cheating on him? Er.. yuk! Maybe he is best rid of you, though. Honestly, this is one of the nastiest posts I have read. "Now I am not so fat, is it OK to get rid of my husband who I claim to still love and who stayed with me all while I was fat?" Which part of "till death do us part" did you not understand?

[roziecakes 20]

Hi there,

Congratulations on your weight loss and your self confidence! That is so wonderful to hear!!

For me personally, my weightloss thus far has brought my partner of almost 9 years and I closer together. He and I can do so many more things together, and we're really enjoying a better sex life, and just having more energy to have fun!

We're getting excited about riding bikes, and he exercises with me in the mornings. it's been fantastic! He's 6'2" and about 30 pounds overweight, so he's looking forward to getting healthy too.

I know that Greg would love me no matter what size I am, and he has always thought I was beautiful; but my health is the most important thing to him.

If I were you, I would look very carefully at the situation, and determine whether you can start over with your husband and re-ignite the spark that brought you two close in the first place. What can you do now with him that you couldn't do before? What's new? What can you explore together? Are your lifestyles so different now that all hope is lost?

It seems like something must have kept you together for 18 years and 4 children... examine what that is.

Weigh the pros and cons of divorce / staying together.

If you stay together, maybe there's a hobby or two you can take up that help you feel free and able to explore your new self confidence that doesn't involve cheating or getting divorced, or doing anything destructive to your relationship; maybe something a little daring like rock climbing or kayaking that help you find a sense of adventure!

Best of luck to you, whatever your decision turns out to be!

Edit; I also wanted to add this: Getting attention from new men is really just a momentary temporary thing; but having a husband that loves you and has made vows to love you his whole life and who has stayed with you for 18 years is priceless, and something that many people dream for years and would be quite grateful to have. I hope you consider that when you make your decision.

I personally know that I'm grateful every day to wake up to a familiar loving face of someone who I've been through my worst with and yet who can smile and say he loves me just the way I am!

[TKW 501]

Well, I have ever been married, but I know how different I feel (like a new person) and that things change. He loved you fat and you loved him when you were fat, is that gone? I think you owe it to yourself, your husband and your children to try to re-spark your marriage before you do anything drastic.

I wish you luck!

[Mzhawkins 1]

ok Awkard Customer... first of all Your tone is very nasty! I don't think this post is nasty @ all. I think that many people struggle with this same situation but don't know how to address the issue. For you to say he should get rid of me... HOW DARE YOU!!! Let me guess your husband must have left you that is why you are so bitter. Well good for him! HA HA!!! I am usually a very nice person but you really asked for that. Have a great day!

For the others that posted. sorry I had to come off like this but she insulted me. Thank you so much for your words of kidness and SUPPORT. This is suppose to be a supposrt forum and not to judge people. I am willing to do whatever it takes to keep our marriage together. We have built so much together and I know that there is not much out there. I have been with him since I was 15 yrs old and I am now 34 so just imagine your entire childhood and adulthood with someone and all of a sudden things start to change. We are a strong couple and i do believe that we will make it through this. But I was just wanting to know if anyone else was feeling like this. Thanks again for your support!

[Awkward customer 5]

No. MzHawkins, you are in the wrong here. You live in a Christian society, and the church has taught for 2000 years that marriage is for life. Now over the past 50 years or so the church has been adapting to secular values, and many pastors will not openly tell you that divorce is wrong. But it is.

You are the problem. You are 100% in the wrong, and you are trying to rely on political correctness to get out of it. Many people here will not tell you what you are planning is evil. My heart bleeds for your husband who has supported you while you were fat, and suddenly, now you're thinner, you want to find a new model. And the 18 years of marriage? And the children? Do you even give a damn about your children?

The correct Christian way is not to tell you that doing evil is right; it is to tell you not to do evil. You made a commitment to your husband and children. Stand by it. I don't know why divorce is legal in the modern world - it seems the politicians are trying to encourage weaker families - and the result is misery all round. You might even find that your children, with a good deal of justification, never go near you again after betraying your husband and breaking your marriage vows.

You seem to think someone telling you not to do the wrong thing is nasty. You have it all wrong. What you are proposing is evil - pure evil. It is the right thing to tell you that. You could end up a lonely old woman whose children never approach her - and I cannot say that you would not deserve that fate.

I am male not female. What makes you think all posters are female? But I refuse to relativise moral values so far that dumping your husband and kids who have stood by you when you were unsightly becomes "relativised". Why don't you just throw yourself under a bus? It would be kinder on all involved. You are proposing spoiling your husband and children's lives simply because you think now you are thinner you deserve better. If I were your pastor I would tell you you could not take Communion until you repented.

You said: "I am willing to do whatever it takes to keep our marriage together". OK, do that. If you're expecting me to be non-judgmental about evil, you are quite wrong. I expect you are one of these American women who has had countless abortions and expects to do whatever she likes no matter who is hurt. If it feels good - do it - no matter how evil.

[roziecakes 20]

I have been with him since I was 15 yrs old and I am now 34 so just imagine your entire childhood and adulthood with someone and all of a sudden things start to change. We are a strong couple and i do believe that we will make it through this. But I was just wanting to know if anyone else was feeling like this. Thanks again for your support!

Personally, I think it was brave of you to post something that some people might be bothered by, but I think that A LOT of others are feeling the same way. Even though I'm not feeling that way, I KNOW that there are probably a ton of people going through the same thing you are but they are too scared to post it.

I could imagine that being with someone basically your entire adult life is really a different experience from being able to play the field a bit first and then get married. I was married once before I met my partner, and I got married too young I think (19), and it only lasted a year. I'm not sure if Greg and I will get married legally... although the commitment is definitely there.

Anyhoo, again, I think it was brave of you to post. I am sure if you've made it through 18 years of marriage you have the strength in there to get through this yes. Have you told your husband that you are feeling this way?

[roziecakes 20]

No. MzHawkins, you are in the wrong here. You live in a Christian society, and the church has taught for 2000 years that marriage is for life. Now over the past 50 years or so the church has been adapting to secular values, and many pastors will not openly tell you that divorce is wrong. But it is.

I agree with your views on marriage and commitment to family, and I also feel passionately about them; especially when children are involved; but I don't think that MsHawkins is evil for wanting to discuss her feelings. She hasn't actually done anything wrong as of yet, or left her husband. Feelings can be changed and worked through; as can thoughts. She hasn't actually made any bad decisions yet. Just thinking about something isn't going to destroy her marriage, or considering her feelings isn't going to destroy her marriage.

She's opening up to try to work through it, which in my mind is much more healthy than keeping it inside, bottled up, and building resentment for years. The Christianity that I grew up with taught me tolerance, love and respect, and trying to keep an open mind when someone is hurting or having a hard time; and being supportive and loving even if you know in their heart that what they are doing could be wrong and destructive for them.

Honestly, I think she came here for advice on the right thing to do, and was brave to post. That should be congratulated and helped.

What's really wrong in my mind is walking blindly around doing bad things with no conscience, and not asking questions first.

[Awkward customer 5]

I agree with your views on marriage and commitment to family, and I also feel passionately about them; especially when children are involved; but I don't think that MsHawkins is evil for wanting to discuss her feelings. She hasn't actually done anything wrong as of yet, or left her husband.

Well maybe it is the right thing for her to discuss her feelings with her family - and ideally with her children too - before it goes too far. They may persuade her that having 4 children is a gift from God - and that her life is actually wonderful - and nothing should be done to jeopardise that!

[Jennifer Hathaway 12]

To original poster: I was heavy when I married my 1st husband who was abusive. I lost about 80 pounds and felt great, I cheated on him with my 2nd husband who then proceeded to cheat on me! I have now been with my soon to be 3rd husband for 4 years and I have vowed NEVER to cheat again even though the first one kinda deserved it. What goes around does come around, I was totally in love with my 2nd husband and he was my everything except that he cheated. My now fiance met me when I was thin, I then got comfortable and gained weight and then pregnant with our daughter and gained even more weight. He was always in love with me and wanted to be intimate all the time no matter how big I was. I am now thinner than I was when we met and our relationship is so awesome now! I can't even imagine leaving. I guess what I am saying is really think about what is causing you to feel that way, were there already issues before surgery and weightloss? For me it was a controlling and slap happy husband and I basically woke up when another man chased me. I have definitely learned from my past. But I am at a good place now and I pray everything continues that way. Congratulations on your weightloss, just don't let it get the best of you. And also you have kids to think about. I still have to deal with husband 1 because we have a 12 yo son together.

[Mzhawkins 1]

You are a FOOL Awkward Cstomer!! I don't say that lightly no I should have said a DAMN FOOL!!! I have never had an abortion and there you go again offending someone that might have had one on this forum. You are not God and you can't judge me! Oh and sorry i didn't know you was a man... SO your wife must have left you for a skinny man. Tats even more funnier!!! Please do us all a favor and don't reply on my post ever again. and oh yeah go do me a even bigger favor and go jump off a bridge.

[BayougirlMrsS 3,933]

I understand where you are coming from. My husband and i have been married for 20 1/2 years. He has been with me thru everything. When we got together i was a size 0-3.... over the years i ballooned up to a size 18. Never has he said anything to me about my weight, but it did effect our marriage. For the past few years before LB... we maybe had sex 2-3 times a year... yes you heard me right... a year. This was not all his fault, i could not stand my self and it did effect everything. He is 6'4" and is NOW in great shape, but he went thru a "fat" stage also. Thru the years i wondered if we would make it. Well we hung in and things are getting better. My confidence has gone up and the new found "sex-life" is amazing. We do still have our issues. I getting use to the attention that i use to get from men that disappeared for years... again. Oh, we still fuss and argue all the time.... but it is what it is.

Everyone goes thru tuff times no matter if you had WLS or not............... im going to share something with you that has gotten me thru the years of doubt.

My grandma told me this ....... you know what you have.., but you never know what you'll get. Every man has issues, don't trade one for the other.

Ask yourself these questions: Does he hit me, do drugs, alcoholism, verbally abusive?...... If you answer no to all these, then stay put...

Last year he and i took a weekend away, just the two of us and rekindled our relationship...... if you can, try this.. it might help.

Best of luck to you....... and you need not apologize for awkward.... opinion are like a$$ holes.... everyone has one.

[roziecakes 20]

Well maybe it is the right thing for her to discuss her feelings with her family - and ideally with her children too - before it goes too far. They may persuade her that having 4 children is a gift from God - and that her life is actually wonderful - and nothing should be done to jeopardise that!

Exactly!

[Mzhawkins 1]

roziecakes and mom I just want to thank you for not being so judgmental. I am human! sorry that i had to seem so rude in my post but I don't think that putting someone else down because of your views is right. @ Mom your post was very helpful. Sorry you had to go through so much before you learned. But sometimes our past can make us better people.

Thanks again everyone for your replies. I will not reply back any further because I am very upset now and i really shouldn't be for just asking a question. I have taken everything in that was said. Have a great day!