4 months ago I started a thread about my mother-in-law. I am still having problems with her & not quite sure what to do!! I had told my family & friends that I was having Lapband surgery & was TRAVELING to San Diego to have it done. (Which is TRUE!!) My husband & I had struggled with whether to tell our family about my having surgery in Mexico. We decided to be honest & tell the truth. However, we decided it would be best to tell everyone AFTER I had the surgery. 6 weeks after I had recooperated & had my first fill, I told everyone about Mexico. My entire family was fine with it all. My mother was happy for me, my friends had no problems. However, my mother-in-law was a witch about it all. She came over to my house & for 2 hours reprimanded me for lying & told me that my bad example was teaching my children to be dishonest. (There was so much more she said!! I think you get the point!) This is a woman who told me that she would never step foot in Old Mexico or NEW Mexico because she doesn't trust the country at all. She had a fit when we went to NEW MEXICO 2 yrs. ago to visit family. (Yes, I know that New Mexico is in the United States. Try explaining that to her!) So, we chose NOT to tell her about the surgery ahead of time because we knew she would freak out & not be supportive, making our trip miserable. We always planned on telling her, we just wanted to wait until AFTER!!! I believe in being honest & my husband & I felt this was the best way to handle it.

It has now been 4 months since that incident & she is STILL not talking to me or my husband. I have written her 2 e-mails & even apologized to her. She has not responded. She un-invited us to Christmas this year & will not answer the phone when we call. My husband has been 100% supportive of me & thinks his mothers actions are wrong. The problem is that we have 3 kids & they LOVE their grandma. They don't understand what's going on & I feel very sad for them. I have said NOTHING negative to them about grandma.

Up to this point, our relationship has been on & off. She has always liked me & has told me several times that I was so good for her son. She has told me that I am a good mother & praises my decisions. However, she is very controlling. She likes to be in charge & is VERY, VERY nosey. She is into everyone's business. She is also very overweight. She weighs 400 lbs & is bound to a wheelchair. I don't know if she is secretly jealous of my weight loss or what the deal is.

Any suggestions of what you would do?!? All of this was over having Lapband Surgery in Mexico. It's my decision & my life. Why in the world would she act this way? It's been 6 months!!!!

It is AWFUL that she is depriving your children of seeing her. My hubby's dad is the same way (different circumstances) He will NEVER see our daughter but that is his choice.

Maybe you could email her and tell her that it is fine if she can not forgive you and hubby but her grandkids need her and want to see her!!!

Some people are SO hard headed!!!

Hmmmm, I think you should have your hubby go over and set his momma straight. Tell her that if she doesn't want to talk to you, fine, but if you EVER want to see your grandkids again, you better change your attitude, NOW! Period! (I sound really bad, don't I?)

She is also very overweight. She weighs 400 lbs & is bound to a wheelchair. I don't know if she is secretly jealous of my weight loss or what the deal is.

I think you answered your own question here.

She doesn't want to watch you do what she's herself can't......lose the weight that imprisons her.

It's the "crab bucket" effect. Something petty and carnal in our human nature seethes when we see someone else succeeding. So we want to tear down their success and bring them back to our level.

It happens when one of the single gals in the group gets married to a great guy. All the gals who think they'll never find a guy hate her and all the ones divorced (or still married to) a jerk are jealous.

It happens when someone from an impoverished family gets an education and a good job.

It happens when one of the gang quits smoking or quits drinking.

And it happens when someone loses a tremendous amount of weight.

17 years ago I dieted down from a size 22 to a size 10. My fat friends and relatives were mean to me -- told me I looked sickly and would ask about my health.

This is what's going on here....the accusations of "dishonesty" and the anger are just a ruse to cover up her fear that you will succeed in doing what she KNOWS she needs to do for herself.

I agree that your husband needs to go talk to her. It's find if she doesn't want to talk to you about much, but it's a horrible thing to do to her grandkids. If she's not responding to your contacts, your husband kind of has a responsibility to step in I think.

I think you send her a last e-mail. Nicely state that you are sorry that she has difficulty in understanding your decision, but you feel that it is just your personal decision. Tell her that you love her and when she is ready to speak and treat you in a respectful tone, that you will be available. Otherwise, you will have to quit interacting with her as it is very hurtful to you and your family. Say it with love and say it with backbone.

Some folks never change, but you can't sit there wondering what-if. Live your life like there is no tomorrow!!! Good luck. My two cents. Shawn

Hi,

I'm sorry to hear of your problems with your mother in law. I wanted to mention something my dad just said to me on Monday. I met him for dinner (he lives in Florida, I live in Philly, and he was up visiting) and I told him about my upcoming surgery. He said a very interesting thing to me: "Just be prepared for a tremendous amount of resentment from your family and friends". I looked at him quizzically and he said "people resent it when people lose weight, because it reminds them of their own shortcomings and how they have not met goals they want to meet, be it weight loss or other goals." So, I must agree with NanaRenan on this; your mother in law most likely is resentful of your success. Hopefully, in time, it's something she will get past. In the meantime, I do agree that it's your husbands place to intervene.

Mothers in laws.... just those few words can bring chills to a lot of people.!! I have been married for 25 years and for the past 10 I have not spoken to my MIL... I never stopped my husband or my children from seeing her or talking to her... it was my decision to take her out of my life and it was fine... (she past away this past Nov..bye bye...)... she chose not to be a very nice person and I chose not to deal with her...

It sounds like your MIL is VERY jealous.. maybe you need to send her some info via the internet explaining the proceedure... let her know that you realize why she is upset with you and her son...and apologize once again... that is the best you can do... what does she want.. does she want you to stand on your head and beg forgiveness... not gonna happen.. I feel for you.. I know how hard it is to deal with a mil that is difficult.. you don't want to keep hubby away from his mom or your children... but it isn't fair to have to bend over backward to please a person who doesn't appreiciate it...

Good luck to you

Yikes....

DH should go over there and set her a$$ straight. If she doesn't want to make a mends than thats her decision. You'll just have to try to explain to the little ones that G'ma is a big baby.

Does everyone give into this woman b/c they feel sorry for her? Maybe she expects you to go crawling to her for forgivness or something.

I'm so sorry she is being imature and hurting the kids. Some people never grow up.

Diane,

Its great that your husband is supporting you, but its really his responsibility to set things straight with his mother. Its one thing if she doesnt want to talk to you, but she is just being immature and hurtful and depriving your children of a grandmother which doesnt say much about her integrity.

Babs in TX

334/180

-154

Hi,

I'm sorry to hear of your problems with your mother in law. I wanted to mention something my dad just said to me on Monday. I met him for dinner (he lives in Florida, I live in Philly, and he was up visiting) and I told him about my upcoming surgery. He said a very interesting thing to me: "Just be prepared for a tremendous amount of resentment from your family and friends". I looked at him quizzically and he said "people resent it when people lose weight, because it reminds them of their own shortcomings and how they have not met goals they want to meet, be it weight loss or other goals." So, I must agree with NanaRenan on this; your mother in law most likely is resentful of your success. Hopefully, in time, it's something she will get past. In the meantime, I do agree that it's your husbands place to intervene.

Glad to know I'm not alone.

My MIL was a real doll -- seriously, we had very little problems in the 25.5 years I was blessed to be her DIL.

BUT, the times we DID have problems, was when I did something she DIDN'T do....like have four children (to her 3) or be a stay-at-home-mom (she said she always "had" to work).

Of course when she saw that I was going to have four in spite of what she said -- she loved her as much as all her other grandkids. And when she saw that my children wouldn't starve and my husband wouldn't drop dead from exhaustion if I didn't work outside the home, she eventually got over that, too.

We call it the "Dove and Degree Delimma". Expressing confidence in a product or procedure rattles the cages of those who are grappling with similar issues.

If I come on here and rave on and on about how great my Degree Deodarant is -- that it is THE best -- and that everyone should be using it. Those of you who use Arrid or Secret or whatever start to get a little defensive.

If I brag on my Buick, Chevy owners get bristly.

It's the same thing with losing weight.

Maybe the MIL in the first post is afraid you'll rub her face in her own weight problem if you succeed. Not that you would, but in her pain with her obesity, even the slightest remark can be misinterrpreted as critical.

I agree with leaving it to your hubby to talk to her. I doubt that she intends to cut your grandkids out of her life forever. DH should make it clear that the groveling is over (after all, you did nothing wrong and in my opinion it was above and beyond for you to apologize in the first place). He can let her know that you all miss her and when she's ready to re-enter your life the door will be wide open, but the decision is up to her. Take the high road and don't feel bad for your children. The truth is, if she isn't willing to reconcile then they're probably better off without her in their life.

NanaRenan is right on - she's jealous and is using this as a way to make you feel bad about making a good choice for yourself. Don't let her get to you.

Oh Diane! What a sucky place your MIL lives in!

Okay, you don't do anything more. As long as you keep going to her trying to appologise, she has the power, which is what she wants, yes?

Tell your children that g'ma just has some issues that she needs to work out, and that it has nothing to do with them, it's just a g'ma thing. I personally wouldn't be sad that such a person had no contact with my children, other than to provide an example of how not to act. Great job with not bad-mouthing g'ma in front of them. They will appricate it. Excellent parenting there.

This is your husband's job and responsibility, not yours.

Hugs, and I so sorry you have to go throught this!

I agree with everybody about letting your husband have a talk with her. Been there done that with the inconsiderate MIL. I would also buy a " I miss you" card for you kids and have them sign it and send it in there own handwriting, just as a sweet reminder of what she is giving up with her behavior...which is more important...her pride or her grand kids???

Hi every one

I am new this site and wanted to introduce myself. I was banded on March 14, 2005 started off at 256# and at 289# at the moment. My doctor is James Smith in Pueblo, Colorado.

Hi Debbie, you might want to post your introduction on this thread instead:

http://lapbandtalk.com/forumdisplay.php?f=18

You will get a bigger response from everybody...that is the introduction thread for the the forum. :-)