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Betrayal is a BITCH

Started by mumof2boys, May 15, 2008 7:23 AM
773 replies to this topic
773 replies to this topic


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Posted May 18, 2008 - 8:43 PM

(((BIG HUGS)))

i hate that you are going through this! i've been there, i was married for 10 yrs to a cheating, drug addicted, abusive a$$! i was so codependent, it took me 10 years to leave him and only then it was for my daughter, i did not want her to grow up to marry someone like her dad and that convinced me she was not going to grow up with him in the house.

I think right now you are doing the right thing, you aren't jumping to any rash decisions, you are seeking counseling. but in your first post you stated "I thought that my husband was proud of me and thought that I was looking good...guess not, huh? Joke's on me!!!" Don't think like that, you are looking good, he's just a man that doesnt realize he's got a good thing and gave into a weakness. I am not defending him by any means! but it is not your fault!

My daughter was my strength. i had 2 boys with thier dad, then after 10 yrs of marriage found out that the baby i was having was a girl. i knew i didnt want her growing up in the same atmosphere as the boys did. many girls grow up and marry men like thier fathers, if my daughter did, i would probably kill the guy. the day after the sonogram i told her dad, you either change now, or i am leaving. by the time she was a year old, we were divorced. i regret i wasnt strong enough for my boys to do it sooner, but then i wouldnt have my daughter. i never wanted my boys to go through a divorce (after seeing the pain my nephews went thru because of a divorce) but the divorce was the best thing that ever happened to us.

it was extremely hard as a single mom, once the 4 of us were even homeless for 4 months, but i worked us through it. Now i am remarried, but i have trust issues, it affects my relationship now, thankfully hubby is patient.

personally i've never heard of a cheater who only did it once. i work around a lot of people who have been married for more than 30-40 years, i always want to ask them if there was ever any infidelity, to see if they worked through it. but i don't think thats something most people are open to discuss. (also, back then, it was kinda expected to work through it)

i wish you luck, and confidence and strength. we are here for you!


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Posted May 19, 2008 - 7:36 AM

Well...the weekend went alright until last night when I started again with my out of the blue crying. I think that I'm falling into a deep depression and it's killing me. I can't believe that he has done this to me. I never expected such behavior from him. I truly thought that this is the one thing that I would never have to worry about. Does the pain ever go away? Does it ever get better? Anyone out there go through this and have their marriage work? I have told him that one of two things will happen. 1) Divorce or 2) the best, most honest, kick-ass marriage on the planet. Damn...this sucks.

I truly appreciate everyones support. I will not let this break me. Either way I will come out a stronger person and I will have a wonderful life...with or without him in it. All good wishes and prayers and welcome!!!


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Posted May 19, 2008 - 10:59 AM

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I had a similar situation happen and things can work out if that is what you want. My initial step was a divorce and 6 months later and lots of soul searching and counseling together and apart we remarried and have been together since. Married in 91, divorced in 96, and remarried in 97. That is not to say that it has been a cake walk but it is so much better. There is more to my story but I won't bore everyone with the details but you can email me privately if you want to talk.



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Posted May 19, 2008 - 1:03 PM

I am still going through rebuilding, or trying to reconcile, and it is very difficult. But at least now my husband is putting in more effor to correct things he has done and improve his outlook to what it needs to be. The pain does get "better" but as for me it's been 4 months and of course it doesn't go away. I joined SI too and I find a lot of good articles and people in similar situations which ended in all kinds of ways. I do know that any way it ends will be difficult, but not the end of your life. Make sure to have individual counseling to work on YOU....and your perspective will be sad, but not as depressed if that maeks sense. IM me if you need to talk!


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Posted May 19, 2008 - 1:22 PM

The best thing you can do is go to counseling and learn to forgive. Once that is done then your marriage will be stronger. It happened to me 2 years ago and our marriage has never been stronger. Good luck.



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Posted May 19, 2008 - 1:47 PM

So sorry for your pain. Like most everyone here, I went through it, but thankfully had no kids. We ended up divorced after 7 years of marriage. I wanted to make it work so badly, but he refused to quit seeing her (and they worked together!) and resisted counseling, so I went by myself. The shrink finally told me that my head was in the right place and his wasn't, and hinted that my X wasnt worth it. I really hated the sense of "failure" I felt. I'm so glad we didnt have kids. Now I'm married to a wonderful man and have 3 great kids. If I wouldn't have gone through my divorce, I probably would never have met my current husband. Having kids now, I could not IMAGINE doing anything to jepordize our family!
I know its what everyone's telling you, but wether or not you get back together, it will take time for you to heal. And HE is the one who did this so HE has to deal with whatever you need him to do to regain trust.


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Posted May 19, 2008 - 3:50 PM

I would go to counceling with him if you can. Even if you do not planning on staying with him. At least, you will know WHY he did it. That will make the break alot easier.


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Posted May 19, 2008 - 4:58 PM

Hugs - Hugs - Hugs

Know that you and your family are in my thoughts for a positive outcome

You will make the decision that is best for you and your family

Good Luck and sorry of your pain - I have been their and done that - my heart goes out to you..

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