When do you tell a potential partner (that will see you naked)?

[steph_co 9]

I've wondered about this. With the new body, the lost marriage (ugh...he had it coming), new-found confidence, I was with a few partners. But nobody I was REALLY interested in - so telling them wasn't that big a deal, or I'd lie to them, straight up.

But anyway...it looks like a new and VERY promising relationship is underway. I told him before that I lost a bunch of weight, so that's not really my worry about the lapband. I guess I realize that there is a lot of stigma attached sometimes to people losing with surgery rather than on their own (even though - truth be told, this has been a difficult journey and even 3 months shy of 2 years out, I'm still not at goal). I have to work my azz off to lose. The GREAT thing about LB, though, is that when I get lazy and my eating relaxes, I can't gain any more than 10 lbs at a time - period. I love that. So even when I hit rough Patches, I still don't balloon like I used to.

Well, things are heating up and I'm pretty sure he could feel my port through my clothes because he kept going to that spot with his hand. But he didn't say anything...I kept distracting his hand away from there. LOL

But WHEN do you tell somebody that's going to see you naked that you got Lapband done? One partner in particular (I lied about what the actual surgery was because I didn't care about the guy - it was FWB), I told him before I'd take my shirt off because I told him I have scars. He didn't end up caring, but that was kind of expected.

I just wonder...when would you tell? Already before things started getting sexually-tense? Or right before you get naked? LOL I just can't decide.

He has noticed that I eat strangely - very little and very slow. LOL So I was thinking maybe the next time we go out to eat just bringing it up...telling him that the reason I do that is because of LB surgery.

[bearbandit 0]

Total honesty is the best policy. If he is really into you then weight loss surgery should not be an issue. The sooner the better. Lucky for me my wife has the band too. So we are band buddies.

[greytz 4]

If you really like the guy and feel like the relationship could lead somewhere serious and you want it to, then I think straight up is the best way. It could only lead to problems down the road if you don't tell him now. If the relationship does go somewhere and you wait too long to tell him, he may wonder what else you haven't told him and then the mistrust sets in and that is irreversable. The damage will be done. If he is really into you and really wants you body and soul, he won't care. The pic of you in your avatar you look fabulous. He shouldn't care. If he does then, there is a problem with him and you don't need that anyway. I think the restaurant idea is the perfect way to tell him

[steph_co 9]

Yeeaahh. I'm not GOING to lie to him. It was more of a fun type question posted in the 20's forum because I know a lot of these peeps date.

The question is "WHEN?" Right before the shirt comes off? Before we even get to that point? After the shirt comes off?

I was thinking I'd probably end up telling him right before the shirt comes off. The scars are totally obvious - I can't lie about where they came from. There are 5 of them - I can't think of a freak-accident in the world to explain that. LOL I don't intend to lie to him or even lie by omission or even half-lie to him. I'm not going to. Hence the question. I was more curious about the timing and what people who are dating have done.

But yeah - like I said, I think he felt the port, so that's pretty much unmistakable. The only things I could think of for that are cancer or the LB. He just simply didn't ask - I don't think it was in the forefront of his mind. So he'll GET the truth.

I think the post was more a commentary on the goofy things you run into with the band. Was wondering if anyone had personal experiences to share.

[steph_co 9]

Ack. I hope that didn't come across snarky. I wasn't trying to be. LOL I'm working and I'm tired. And come to think of it, I'm hungry, dangit. LOL

I appreciate the responses. I guess whatever our next date is will make it easier to gauge an appropriate time.

[nkara 0]

Personally I don't think it's their business unless they straight out ask. It's not a big stigma that you decided to go with surgery to help you lose weight. Be proud of your accomplishments and they will too.

[Unforgettable 0]

I've wondered this myself, Steph. I'm not at that point yet but have thought about how to approach it in the future. I'm a private person anyone, so I'm not one of those people telling everyone about the band. I think I decided I would tell a potential partner when I realize that we will probably get better. I think the earlier the better. I have lots of scars from other surgeries, so that's not a big deal to me. But I definitely think if there's potential to be a serious/intimate relationship, it needs to come out. It's tough though because like you said, there's a stigma attached to it. Maybe when I'm closer to goal I won't care as much. I'm sure they will notice before we reached that point anyway based on eating habits, so if it were ever brought up by that person I'd be upfront. My policy in general for telling is that I'm not going to offer up the information, but if someone asks me I'm not going to lie or lie by omission.

Plus I figure if it really makes a difference to them, then they aren't worth my time.

Edited August 23, 2009 by Unforgettable
typo

[SummerAgain 0]

I would say well before you get to that point! Have an "oh, by the way" conversation. Dont make a big deal of it. Give him a peek at that time. That way when you are getting ready to do the deed...it's all about that and nothing else. Once the "girls" come out, he wont see anything else anyway!!

Edited August 23, 2009 by SummerAgain

[steph_co 9]

Once the "girls" come out, he wont see anything else anyway!!

LOL...true, dat. Once I pushed him to 2nd base, the port was forgotten. :biggrin:

[FighterGirl 1]

Once the "girls" come out, he wont see anything else anyway!!

LOL! So, true.

It is really hard being comfortable with being intimate with someone when you have excess skin or boobs that look like great-grans. I had to have the conversation when the insecurity became apparent. It is not easy opening up to someone and saying well I have lost 100 plus pounds and everything is not where it "should" be.

I really wish I had the answer because it is tough. I think you have to just open up to him about you having lost a significant amount a weight and your body does not look how it maybe expected.

GOSH, being a woman is so difficult

[steph_co 9]

Well, I've been blessed with "A's." I've never seen them as a blessing before, but the simple fact that they are exactly where they should be makes me happy. The skin getting wrinkly on my ass and tummy, on the other hand... :biggrin: I'm really not anxious to show that off to him. He's seen me semi-naked in the semi-dark and has felt all of what I just mentioned and still tells me I'm "hot." He wants me to strip naked in front of him so he can look at me. LMAO I'm not sure if he says stuff like that to torment me (he knows I am shy), or if he's hoping I'll really do it. Anyway...I probably will, I'm getting more comfortable with my body by the day with how much working out I do.

As for how the "convo" about my band went down. We were in his truck driving to an outing and I said, "You know how you tease me about how I eat?" He chuckles, "Uh, yeah." I said, "We're going to have words about that." (in a joking tone) He laughs again. And I went into what I had and what it was. I had already told him about the weight loss, so it was just a matter of bringing up the band. He was just curious about what it was, didn't have judgment about it. Still asks me questions from time to time and said he was going to "research" it. LOL But at least he doesn't tease me about my eating habits anymore - that's refreshing. His most flattering response? "How did YOU qualify for that?" LOL He hasn't seen my heavier pics.

Edited September 21, 2009 by steph_co

[MrRiceGuy 1]

Well, I've had a recent experience with this, though I'm a guy and it's a little different...

I feel that if you're going to be in a relationship and you're trying to build that trust, if they discover the port and ask, then you can give details. When my port was discovered (which it's pretty easy to feel since it's so close to the skin on me), I just mentioned I had surgery and left it at that. She didn't seem too much more interested when she saw I wasn't too thrilled about her finding it. But if your partner wants details, you can disclose that information as vague or detailed as possible.

To be honest, I'd just say it's a scar from a minor surgery and leave it at that. Hopefully they won't inspect it and say, "it feels like there's plastic in there."

[neveragain 9]

At the expense of coming of a little harsh, come on, guys...

Let's be honest here. If they ask, you should tell them. If they think any less of you, they're not the right one.

[steph_co 9]

OK...seriously...I'm starting to get just a *tad* irritated at the lack of reading comprehension. I didn't ask HOW should I tell him. I didn't ask IF I should tell him. I said WHEN. Please pay attention, people. I don't like it when I feel like I'm being judged for something I wasn't even contemplating (and didn't even hint that I was planning to do). WTF?

Please read OP before responding, people. My question is WHEN do you tell a potential partner. Goodness.

[neveragain 9]

Well, if you're referring to me, please re-read my post. No need to read between the lines, either. If you'll take notice, I said, "If they ask, you should tell them."

Having said that, I hope you weren't referring to me.