Are you a closet bandster? & Do you regret your decision?

Time to love me · September 23, 2005

Hello, I'm getting a surgery date on Nov. 2nd & I've decided not to tell anyone, except my husband, that I am getting the band. I came to this decision because of the negative people I have in my life. I needed a babysitter when I went for my psych. eval & then again when I met with the nutritionist. I told my friends/family that I was seeing a nutritionist to help me with weight loss. Had I known that this would cause negative responses I would have just shut my mouth. I heard things like "You were thin when you were younger, you already know how to lose weight"., "All you need to do is eat less & exercise"., "How many times are you going to try losing weight? You're hurting yourself by yo-yo dieting". and so on and so on.

(You have to exercise and eat less to lose weight? I had no idea! :rolleyes: )

On top of this.. My husband & I had a bon fire at our house with a few close friends & family. Someone brought up the issue of weight loss & how a girl at work had the bypass done. They were saying how she took the easy way out & that it isn't fair to the people who need to lose 20 pounds and have to work it off.... How someone can just say cut me open and make me skinny. And our insurance goes up because these people want to be skinny.. and so on.

Well.. I couldn't believe what these sweet, kind hearted & caring people said about this poor lady. I was shocked that they could be so ignorant. That this lady wants to be healthy and the insurance could be paying for a hell of a lot more if she didn't have the surgery done. Thank GOD I didn't tell them that I was thinking of getting the lapband.

I am 5'5 and weight about 235. I have had surgery on my back 3 times with a spinal fusion, a bone graft on my hip and a intrathecal pump implanted in my tummy that goes to my back. It's very hard for me to exercise, so I have a harder time losing weight. This is one of my main reasons for wanting the lapband. I want to use the tool to help me, since I can't exercise that much.

In the end of this long winded message (I'm sorry)..

My questions to you are:

Do you regret keeping yourself in the closet?

How did you explain yourself when you couldn't eat a lot or certain foods? What about BP'ing in public?

The liquid phase? or any other related issues.

What type of questions or remarks did people make about your new eating habits?

Last but not least, is there some people who told others and wish they did not.

Thanks you, in advance, for any replies. I'm very curious to see if there are others who feel the way I do about keeping this secret.

*Don't get me wrong, I'm not a shallow person nor am I ashamed of getting the band. I just don't want to be judged or treated differently because I made a decision that will help my health. I don't want to be in a wheel chair so young in life. I'm 34 years old and my doctor told me I have a skeleton of a 60 year old.

PamRN · September 23, 2005

I am not a closet bandster. I am a teacher by nature, in my career I teach my patients how to achieve the best possible level of health they can for their conditions. So it seemed only natural to openly share my journey. So that's what I do.

However, I do at times wish I'd kept it to myself, because of the ignorance of those who don't have a weight problem, "NO, it's NOT a gastric bypass"... because sometimes I get tired of retelling the story, because sometimes what I do for me is nobody's business anyway. But, because I started openly, I have no choice but to continue. Your desire to keep it to yourself is not only normal, but it's your god given right. If you were having hemorrhoids resected would you talk of it over a bonfire?? What do you say when people ask "How are you losing so much weight, what's your secret?" You tell the truth, You are eating a whole lot less, and are following the Protein first diet...you know, like they say in sugar busters, Protein first, veggies second, carbs or Desserts last if there's room... mentioning the band is NOT mandatory.

Good Luck!

DevilMayKare · September 23, 2005

I am SO GLAD I kept it to myself. I only told one of my sons, 2 close friends and one of the people I work with. There has been many a time I was tempted to say something and didn't. Once it's out and on their minds you can't take it back.

I did learn a long time ago when I was doing a liquid fast program that if you don't call attention to it people don't even notice whether you're eating or not. Did you know you can take a meal and push the food around on your plate and they think you've eaten it? Try it. You'll be amazed. And with the band generally you can eat mushie and crunchie things with no problem so PBing isn't an issue as long as you are careful.

There is absolutely nothing to feel guilty or shallow about. It is YOUR body and YOUR choice who, what, when or whether you will tell someone what you're doing with it.

Honestly, I've gone way up and way down so many times now among some groups (like family) I find the whole discussion boring. Lately when someone has tried to get into any WL discussion I just say something like, "gosh--the whole diet subject is just getting old to me... how's your _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _?" (Fill in the blank with whatever you want and just CHANGE the subject.

youknowit · September 23, 2005

I am so glad to see someone talking about this, as I've been having a really hard time with this issue; to tell, or not to tell. I feel like I need to talk with/ tell someone, but there's not one person in my life I feel I can talk to about it without the requisite stuff you mentioned (the easy way out, just stop eating, blah blah blah). DeLarla has been of great help to me in talking with me about this, and all of you on LBT give me hope and courage to get my butt in gear.

It is seriously weird, but I was with a group of friends recently as well where this topic came up over dinner, and I kept my mouth shut about any of it, until one of my friends husbands said "god, i don't get why this is such a big deal. just stop eating. it's really pathetic that people can't just stop eating. it's just willpower and laziness" I flipped. I didn't say why. I told him "aren't you the one who went on Jenny Craig with your wife for oh, one week, and you bitched the whole time? If it's so (blanking) easy, what's your problem?" He shut up and didn't say anything else about it. I turned to his wife, my friend and said, "you don't have to put up with this shit." and that was that. (as a side note, my friend is over 400 lbs and has indicated in many conversations that she would like to get the band, and he's been rude about it everytime, but this was my wits end.) Everyone else seemed like, whoa, you told the truth. One person gave me the thumbs up, but they ALL kept quiet. I was so upset. I clearly cannot tell any of these people about this. And you know, it makes me a little sad, because I want to say to my friend, we can do this together, but that won't happen.

So the end of my dissertation is this... I'm not telling one single person that is already a member of my friend/family circle. The only people who will know is you guys on LBT. I'm starting to accept this fact, and move on to getting myself in gear. Glad to find out I'm not the only one. -- angie

PinkMary · September 23, 2005

Hello, I'm getting a surgery date on Nov. 2nd & I've decided not to tell anyone

My questions to you are:

Do you regret keeping yourself in the closet?

How did you explain yourself when you couldn't eat a lot or certain foods? What about BP'ing in public?

The liquid phase? or any other related issues.

What type of questions or remarks did people make about your new eating habits?

Last but not least, is there some people who told others and wish they did not.

Thanks you, in advance, for any replies. I'm very curious to see if there are others who feel the way I do about keeping this secret.

1st of all

Congratulations for your surgery on 2nd November!

i must confess that your post touched me so much ...

i'm not furtive person but i do not like talking about private things

to people arround me! This summer i avoided almost all my friends cause i

needed time for myself to think about the surgery..

when i did the surgery i decided not to talk about it ..except if somebody

ask me about the band and the other wl surgeries...NO i do not want

to talk about it! it's very very personal issue!

to answer your questions:

1. no i do not regret

2. i just said that i'm on diet!!

3. i did not have any pb in public yet..

(if i would have i would go immediately to ladies room

4. Liquid phase .. i .. enjoyed cause i felt like my body detoxified!

5. They ask.. why the hell you eat soo little?? ( i say i ate tons at home )

..yes im good liar sometimes.. sorry not my fault :rolleyes: but i guess you do not

eat with friends aaall of the time.. so not big deal

i will NOT say .. i will NOT say.. i can't stand ignorant people.. i hate being

subject for gossip!! sooo i'm sorry dear friends you will never learn about it!

if people were nice i would say it.. but world unfortunately is not ..angelic

creature...

Chicagoboy · September 23, 2005

Only my wife knows.

Maybe next year when I reach my goal.

La_madam · September 23, 2005

No, Im not a closet bandster, I tell anyone and everyonewho asks, by people knowing I make better food choices while out in public and I'm proud of my band and what I have accomplished. No I do not regret my decision for one single second. All I ca nsay to your friends when they say people who had WLS too ktheeasy way out, This is hardly the easy way out, you will see this once you get your band, there are several sacrafices we need to make and several changes we have to make and several things we have to give up to make this band work, this is not easy.

Best of luck to you on your upcoming surgery.

flower · September 23, 2005

Like I said no one will ever know until they walk and your shoes and they never might I told a few people and thats it I did not want to be judged talked about watched or anything I havea the problem they don't I want this they could care less why tell them it just opens a can of worms and frankly who really cares your family and yourself good luck

Jen · September 23, 2005

I am glad that I have kept it to myself. I have told my family and a few (like 4) close friends that I trust not to tell anyone else. I was so supported by the people I did tell ( I was really surprised that they were so accepting and glad that I was doing it) that I am less and less concerned about it - although I will never be comfortable just telling the general public. I teaching High School and would be mortified if my students found out. I also have a couple of friends that wouldn't understand. What I am concerned about is that I have been dating a guy for like 2-3 months now and I haven't told him ( I got it like 2 months before we met). I know that I should trust him - and I KNOW he wouldn't judge me - he's just not like that. But I am emberassed. I have decided to wait untill I know if this will be serious or not. I deal with the questions of "why aren't you eating?" Do you want some more? things like that by having my friends back me up - which is why I chose to tell the select few - I need tham to say - oh no, she's on a diet, or she had a big lunch with me. My friends have been SO great - and they even share portions with me so that I don't have to be the one to order a whole meal. I am really thankful that they have been there for me. DO NOT let anyone make you feel like a failure or less of anything for having this done - they don't understand and it is NONE of thier business!!

Jen

218/183/130

June 16, 2005

Iluvharleys · September 23, 2005

Except for my immediate family, I am a closet banster. About a month ago, I told my neighbor, only because she is going to get it done and I thought I might be of some help to her. I am glad I haven't said anything to anyone else for all the same reasons you stated. I honestly didn't want to deal with all the questions, and also I didn't want for people to ask why I hadn't lost weight faster. I think each person has to make up their minds what is best for them. I haven't regreted being a closet banster for one moment.

Good Luck in whatever you decide.

Bensmum1109 · September 23, 2005

I have only told my husband and parents. I wasn't even going to tell my parents, and scheduled my surgery to occur when they were going to be in Italy for three weeks. My Mom is the only member of my family that doesn't have a weight problem, and she is incredibly judgemental of those of us who do. That being said, we are very close, and they spend a lot of time in our home. So in the end I decided to tell them, and they were SHOCKINGLY supportive!!

But what about everyone else? I work in an industry where image is important and people love to gossip. I am surrounded by perfect, disciplined people who judge everyone and everything (yes, it can be incredibly annoying, but I am really good at what I do and it enables my husband to be a stay at home dad). I have to eat out socially 4-5 times a week, and I needed to figure out how I was going to explain a surgery and a week of recovery.

Finally I decided to tell people that I had an intestinal problem that would require surgery, and that during my recovery I was going to have to be on a liquid diet for a month (mostly true, I do have an intestinal problem that my weight loss and diet will correct, it's just not really what the surgery was for). Since intestinal stuff is GROSS ;-) I have not been questioned any further. I figure the initial weight loss is explained by the liquid diet, and subsequent weight loss will be inspired by the diet I will have to continue to stave off any more intestinal problems.

People have so many prejudices and are so judgemental of others it sucks. It's a shame that any of us have to hide this or make up stories, but in the end I think it will be a little bit of justice for all of us to get the weight off and have those judgemental people look at us with a little bit of envy, right?

Go, LapBanders!!

Jessiebear · September 23, 2005

I'm not a closet bandster, but I wish I were! I hate the fish bowl effect that is happening right now. They watch everything I do! & everyone is so quick to criticize.

Congrats on your surgery date & good luck to you!

Dianechef · September 23, 2005

Jessiebear - you are so right about the fish bowl effect!! I told my family & friends about my surgery & they are ALWAYS watching everything I do. It's very annoying & it makes me wish I hadn't of told anyone & kept it to myself.

I overheard one of my friends yesterday telling someone that she thought I should have lost more weight by now. She also said she saw me eating something she thought I shouldn't have & that's probably why I haven't had as much success.

In hindsight, I really wish I would have kept the surgery to myself. I have done well & am thrilled with my results. (Lost 27 lbs in 2 months - that's good!!!) However, I feel like the world is against me sometimes only because I told too many people.

I think everybody's situation is different. I know that telling family has been a very big benefit to some people. Not me.

tambonzjo · September 23, 2005

I have never been a closet bandster. I am an office manager for a dermatologist and everyone knows. They all support what I have done and what I am still doing. When drug reps bring us lunch, they know what I can and cannot eat so they make sure there is something special in there for me. I have had patients that are thinking about the procedure come in my office and sit down and have a heart to heart about. I tell everyone thinking about this decision to come to this website. There is more information on here than any doctor could tell you about.

My family is very supportive. My little sister is supportative but she is jealous becuase she now has coverage for WLS but cannot find anyone on her plan that will accept it. I don't talk to her as often and can't share any of my goals with her.

I believe it is a choice whether to be a closet bandster or not. It didn't work for me. I am too open about everything.

ickytazz · September 23, 2005

im open, and everyone knows.

The doctors at my clinic are so against the bypass and are happy with my progress. They have me talk to patients who are considering the bypass to tell them about the band.

One doctor, has checked my belly in the hall way the day i returned to work. IT was funny, i walked by and she pulled my shirt up as i had some blood on my shirt and she was worred. I have a great support system and i could not tell them i just lost the weight on my own. I love teaching people, i do it daily with my students and in the dog world i do it daily too.

vicky