male only Need help from you guys!!!

[mumof2boys 71]

Hey there guys...I know that this is your room but I thought that you might be able to help me. I was banded on April 30, 2007 and I'm down 125 pounds. I have gone from a size 22/24 to a size 10. Not bad, huh? I feel great, look great and finally have confidence. Here's the thing. Approximately six months ago I discovered that my husband of 10 years had been having an affair for the past year and a half. He told this girl (no one like her deserves to be called a woman) everything about me. She knew when I was having surgery...she knew when I had reached "45" pounds down, she knew about my childhood. So...what the hell is all that about? I know that cheating isn't just a mans thing but I'm wondering if any of you have done it and if so, did you share such personal things with your significant other. Also...from your view...do you think that someone can change? I'm still so up in the air about all of this. I'm in so much pain and hurt every single day that I don't know if I can cope and then again I have no guarantee that someone else won't do this to me. It seems to be accepted in today's society. So...anything that you guys can give me would be much appreciated. Thanks for letting me into your room and thanks in advance for any information that you want to share. If you don't want to share personal information but do want to give me a little insight but not on this thread, feel free to PM me. Thanks, guys!!!

[Renob 1]

Well sorry to hear that the bastard cheated on ya!

I sure hope you have dumped him and moved on, but it sounds like you have not. Just remember not all of us are cheaters.

So I ask you does any of this matter? Why do you want to know, it does not matter. Just end it and move on.

Life is too short to worry about these types of things, go find a good man and life.

For me it’s very clear, if that sort of thing happened to me it would have been over the moment I found out. I would never think of putting myself through the years of second guessing myself and the never being able to trust my wife without question!

I’m not a fan of seeing a pro as couple to try to work these types of things out, I am a big fan of cutting my lose and moving on. I would learn from it and find someone new.

Edited October 30, 2008 by Renob

[Florida Pete 1]

Hi Tina

First off congrats on doing so well with the lapband and your weightloss.

Sorry to hear of the problems your having with your husband. It is very hard to learn of this kind of information about your spouse and that they shared so much about your personal life to another person. I personally would have a hard time ever trusting him ever again. It was such a huge violation of trust that has happened. With that said can a person change? Sure they can but that also can only happen if they want to change and that they completely own up to what they have done as beign wrong.

I am divorced and remarried myself. My ex-wife and I were married for just over 10 years. The last year and a half of our marriage was a real nightmare. Both of us had eventually had emotional, non-physical, affairs with others. We had talked about counselling but my ex-wife had proven to me in many conversations that she didn't feel that she had done anything wrong. How could I trust her to change and be commited to our relationship if she could not admit that she had done anything wrong?

Anyway I did commit myself to seeing a phycologist and a therapist and really learned myself what I was doing and what I needed to do to change. It was the best thing I could have done because it has helped me to grow and become a better person. Since my divorce I have met another woman and have commited to her and we now have a family together and a great life together.

So a person can change but it takes a very large commitment on their part to change. It is a life change just like making the commitment to getting the lapband and changing your life is.

[Old Goat 0]

This advice is quite simple had to do it myself.

I am so sorry it took you 10 years to find out about this creep, but then it took me 4 years.

Have been happily married for 44 years now. Don’t worry with your looks and your new skinny body a good Man will find you, and this time you will recognize him.

Dump the Creep the Two Boys will respect you in the long run and won’t if you don’t.

This is hurtful and painful but facts are facts take a long look at the Quote (no one like her deserves to be called a woman) I left the very next day after finding out.

My recommendation Friday 10-31-08 In the AM calls your Lawyer, after lunch get a Locksmith to change all the locks. Hang a note on the door see you in court, take the Boys and take the weekend off go some place.

It will only hurt for a little while compared to staying with him.

[plain 12]

Hey there guys...I know that this is your room but I thought that you might be able to help me. I was banded on April 30, 2007 and I'm down 125 pounds. I have gone from a size 22/24 to a size 10. Not bad, huh? I feel great, look great and finally have confidence. Here's the thing. Approximately six months ago I discovered that my husband of 10 years had been having an affair for the past year and a half. He told this girl (no one like her deserves to be called a woman) everything about me. She knew when I was having surgery...she knew when I had reached "45" pounds down, she knew about my childhood. So...what the hell is all that about? I know that cheating isn't just a mans thing but I'm wondering if any of you have done it and if so, did you share such personal things with your significant other. Also...from your view...do you think that someone can change? I'm still so up in the air about all of this. I'm in so much pain and hurt every single day that I don't know if I can cope and then again I have no guarantee that someone else won't do this to me. It seems to be accepted in today's society. So...anything that you guys can give me would be much appreciated. Thanks for letting me into your room and thanks in advance for any information that you want to share. If you don't want to share personal information but do want to give me a little insight but not on this thread, feel free to PM me. Thanks, guys!!!

Tina, I've followed this on your other thread. Since you brought it to the men's room, I'll give you my $.02:

I understand that the knee-jerk reaction is to leave your husband. However, as you know, things are hardly ever that black & white. If you think there is even a small chance of working things out, I think it'd be better for the boys to give it a shot.

However, I do find it a little troubling that your husband's affair went beyond the sexual. Sharing emotional secrets with "the other woman" is....well, words escape me. I can't think of any reason why he would go there, unless he had convinced himself that he was in love.

Having said that, women can be extremely manipulative. I've had friends (really friends....not that old "I have a friend" when I'm referring to myself, lol) fall into an affair with trashy ladies simply because those women were able to make my friends feel young and desirable.

So in the end, I think only you are in the position to make the call here. Forgiving an affair is undoubtably a huge uphill battle. You shouldn't stay just because you're afraid of being alone (because you wouldn't be for very long....as the others here have stated, you're hot) and you shouldn't leave just because you're angry. I realize that I have given you a wealth of contradictory opinion here, lol. Good luck!

[mumof2boys 71]

Thanks guys. I appreciate everything that everyone has said. I have been really struggling these past two weeks and I am actually worried about myself. I feel myself falling deeper into a depression and I'm getting scared.

In discussions with my therapist and just "thinking" in general to myself, this is what I come up with as to why he "may" have been telling HER personal information about me. From what I understand, she was asking questions about me and he would answer. I truly think that she lives her life having affairs and she knows how to get out of them when she's done because she knows so much information about the wife. She knew where I worked and the particular office that I worked in, which gave her the power to contact my immediate supervisor at work after I called and cussed her out. (I work for the federal government...a law enforcement agency). Also, I think that when she was done with my husband she knew so much information about me that she could simply say, "If you don't leave me alone, I'm going to call your wife". Now...I could be WAY off with that, so...here's my other thought....I think that my husband was telling her these things to give himself permission in his mind to have the affair. I think that he was making himself believe that it was alright because by saying these things out loud to another person about me made it justifiable for him. In his mind, he was justifying the affair..."I got fat...I was mean to him...I didn't trust him..."

Cheating has ALWAYS been a deal breaker for me, that's what makes this even harder. I am struggling so much. I can say, however, that the person that my husband is right now is the husband that I have always wanted. He is so attentive to my needs, surprises me with things (he just got tickets to Cirque du Soele and reservations for dinner...he WOULD never go there before). He calls me all day from work and he waits on me hand and foot. He is also much more patient with the kids and is just a totally different person. I really and truly feel that he is completely embarassed, ashamed and remorseful.

I understand that nobody can make this choice for me but I truly thank you guys for letting me vent in "your room" and for your suggestions/comments, etc. Please continue to share anything that you would like with me.

Also...thanks for saying that I look good now...I'm not used to that AT ALL!!! It's a real ego booster and right now is the best time to boost my ego. Thanks.

[curious_cat 0]

Hi mum of 2 boys,

This is my first visit to this site. And, consequently my first post. I was reading some of the postings and came across yours. Had to answer simply because I happen to be aware of a very similar situation. And, being a wife and mom I can certainly empathize. The answer is yes. Men do tell personal things to their "girlfriends." My niece is involved with a man who is going through a not so easy divorce. And he tells her some very personal things about his wife. I find myself feeling really bad for the wife who is totally unaware of his lack of judgement in doing so. But really, doesn't it show a lack of judgement to have the affair to begin with? I honestly don't know why he shares such very personal information with her other than to say she has become not just his lover but his new best friend. You must feel you've been invaded on a very personal level. I suppose the only thing you can do at this point is to ask him please not to share anymore information with her. However, I would not count on that. There is an old saying the tongue can be the hardest thing to bridle. The best thing you can do at this point is make sure you are keeping your private things, private from him until, if ever, you feel you can trust him again. On a good note, my husband had an indiscretion himself around our 10th year of marriage. It was painful but we got past it. We've now been married 22 plus years and are very, very close and love each other very much. So if getting past it is what you are hoping for, take heart it can be done! Best wishes, curious_cat

[bohica1224 0]

ok i think i have kind of a unique in put on this issue...

i have a friend that has a pretty good track record of messing around with married men... and yes it is pretty normal for the guy to tell alot of details about their spouse because it is something to talk about. i found out alot of stuff about my friends married boyfriends wifes becasue she would tell me all the things that they would tell her. it is kinda shitty that they do this but it is completely normal...

also my brother cheated on his wife and she took him back and sometimes it is sad to watch them... just becasue they have 3 kids and in the back of my mind i know they are really only together becasue they love the kids so much. not sure if you said you had kids or not but just make sure that whatever decision you make, that you are 100% content with that decision and move on from there... nothing worse than to say you forgive when really you dont. even though he wasnt honest with you and hurt you in the worst way... be honest with him... give him what he should have given you.

btw 125 lbs is amazing! remember to always love yourself first because without that you can never love anyone else.

[CMTurner 0]

I am so sorry you are going through this right now. I have been where you are and thought I would post something I recently received in an email that made me think "Aha!" I hope this doesn't offend anyone. I just think it makes sense whether you believe in god or not.

Saying Goodbye

By T. D.

Jakes

There are people who can walk away from you.

And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk. I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.

When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.

The bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us.

[1 John 2:19]

People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay.

Let them go.

And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don' t keep trying to raise the dead. You've got to know when it's dead.

You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay.

Let them go!!

If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to. .....

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains . .....

LET IT GO!!!

If someone can't treat you right , love you back, and see your worth .....

LET IT GO!!!

If someone has angered you.

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge. .....

LET IT GO!!!

If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction. .....

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents

LET IT GO!!!

If you have a bad attitude. . .....

LET IT GO!!!

If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better. .....

LET IT GO!!!

If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him. . . .....

LET IT GO!!!

If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship. . .....

LET IT GO!!!

If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves . .....

LET IT GO!!!

If you're feeling depressed and stressed . . . . . .....

LET IT GO!!!

If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying' take your hands off of it,' then you need to. .....

LET IT GO!!!

'The Battle is the Lord' s!'

God loves you and watches over you every day.