weightloss = affair ??

wanabthin · May 22, 2008

Anyone had an issue with weightloss ending in an affair?

general_antiope · May 22, 2008

lol :rolleyes2:

Weight loss has nothing to do with morality or values....does it??

Hippiemama · May 22, 2008

What she said..lol.

aubrie · May 22, 2008

No, it doesn't have to do with that, but it sure makes for weird circumstances.....

While I have to answer no, I haven't had an affair of any kind, I do find myself in an odd situation. My massage therapist, who is male, an Aussie with an adorable accent and considerably younger than me, has showed an interest. I was VERY flattered at first, but now he has started calling my house asking if I would like another massage. My husband gave me the funniest look as we listened to the recorded messages together. It's inappropriate, of course. It makes me uncomfortable, but I have to say, it does wonders for my self esteem. Isn't that awful to say???? God I sound horrid.

Daisalana · May 22, 2008

Uhm...

There's a little more to it than that. My doctor talked about his personal statistics with patients leaving their spouses after weight loss. That could correlate with affairs. It's a self-esteem issue. If you're with your spouse right now, not because they're 'the one', but because you settled and didn't think you could do better.. then it's possible one day you'll go.. I deserve better.

wanabthin · May 22, 2008

Maybe I should have worded my post differently. The statistics are high that infidelity and divorce increase after weightloss. I am interested to know how others have dealt with the increase in attention from the opposite sex and what it has done to their current relationships.

general_antiope · May 22, 2008

Ahh okay. this I can relate to.

I divorced after I got the band. It was not the band that made me get divorced, but my husband had a long history of treating me like a cash cow, as a worker, and not as a wife or partner. When I stopped being a passive victim and took my world into my own hands, and got the band, it was a floodgate of more empowering things.

I demanded he go to marriage counseling, he did. I did lots of work on myself and wanted to make this marriage work - he didn't. So I left him.

The following year, he called me and began a bitchfest about how he helped pay for the band and he...

wait I have to quote this

"Didn't even get a chance to enjoy the benefits."

Then he flat out propositioned me - his ex wife - for sex just because I'd lost weight. (I still think I made a great decision)

No...the band doesn't cause you get divorced. The band shines a spotlight on sickly relationships that will either heal or completely degenerate. It's always the way when one person grows, and the other doesn't.

A couple who can grow together stays together, imho...

As far as attention from the opposite sex, I am still dealing with issues that stem from molestation, sexual attacks, date rape from age 5, age 11 and age 16. Kind of a no-brainer as to why I piled on a fatsuit, eh?

When I first lost 80 lbs, this group of construction guys - tawny, bronzed, rippling, sweaty, god help meeee, were honking at me as we drove on the highway and I got {FURIOUS}. Anger was my first reaction - how DARE they invade my space, how dare they look at me, I didn't invite their advances, why is everything SEX???!

Yeah, I had issues. I went to therapy.

Now, I say thank you and I prance around at the attention. I've dated scumbags, I've dated good guys...but one thing remains the same.

Men chase sex. So they're just usually (on the whole) gonna be these horny teenagers no matter what age. It's up my my willpower/moral/values to decide how I want to behave. I've fooled around after my marriage; I didn't like it. So now I don't. It's a learning experience. I know what I want in a man, and I'm damned picky.

As my friend's sweet ancient mother puts it: If it's not dead or trying to crawl away, men'll try to put it anywhere :rolleyes2: LOL

(my apologies to the genuinely good men out there, I know you're not all like that...)

Manatee · May 22, 2008

(disclaimer -- this post is going to piss some of you off. Some of you are going to say "that's not true!' Sorry, but this is Life As I See It)

According to my LapBand coordinator who ran the familiarization sessions, divorce, infidelity and increased sexual adventuring are very common after massive weight loss.

When one thinks about it, those stats shouldn't come as a surprise. Those of us who have been buried in blubber for years or decades become used to NOT being objects of desire. We become good friends, good providers, good listeners, great compensators. What we tend to not be is great lovers. That mindset wears on one, and does manifest itself in the personality.

Flash forward and the weight is rolling off, and now there's this whole new element in one's life. Suddenly people are using the words "hot" and "attractive" and "sexy" and they're talking about YOU. How amazing, and baffling, and disturbing. People who've been skinny forever know how to deal with this, but a lot of us don't. Body dysmorphia is real and common with WLS. When the 'fat person in the mirror' is coupled with unexpected interest, that's bound to destabilize the personality a bit.

The two common options at that point are really "wahooo!" or "run away!" Depending on how that manifests, one can either end up in a new sexual relationship (for better or worse, usually worse), or one ends up shunning the advances (which if this occurs in a marriage, causes issues there)

So that's our side of it. What causes the partners to run?

Let's go back to the fat-bound personality. Like it or not, we do tend to change personalities when we lose weight. Look at the before-and-after pics thread. 95% of those people are displaying radically different personas in the post pictures. They're visibly more confident, outgoing, smiling, etc. That's all great news, right?

Well, yes -- but maybe the partner doesn't agree. There's comfort in familiarity. As radical a change as we're experiencing, they're dealing with the same thing secondhand. Their partner and friend is suddenly someone else, and they have to get to know this new thinner happier etc. person who is in their house. This new person shares memories and a name with the person that was there before, but really isn't the same anymore. Is it unreasonable that some would be very uncomfortable with that? Some people just really can't handle change.

kathystrick · May 22, 2008

While I don't foresee myself cheating (I am pre-band), I can see how that could happen. The male attention does increase greatly once the weight starts coming off and that can be very enticing to someone who has never experienced that type of attention. Add to that a less than perfect relationship with a spouse/significant other and it could cause serious problems for sure. I have to admit I have worried if my marriage will be strong enough to withstand the changes I know the band will make in me and my personality, but not enough so that it would prevent me from having surgery.

healthyagain · May 22, 2008

Manatee...You've hit the nail on the head!!! Everything you've said is completely true and understandable.

libra · May 22, 2008

I can see how it can happen. As it has been said, it depends on the basis of your relationship. My husband and I struggled for a bit after I lost the initial lump of weight. (yes, I said lump...LOL) He was so uncertain that I still wanted him and that I would want to move on. I didn't. We went to counseling and are doing much better.

I think any significant life change can affect a relationship. You need to really want it to work.

libra · May 22, 2008

No, it doesn't have to do with that, but it sure makes for weird circumstances.....
While I have to answer no, I haven't had an affair of any kind, I do find myself in an odd situation. My massage therapist, who is male, an Aussie with an adorable accent and considerably younger than me, has showed an interest. I was VERY flattered at first, but now he has started calling my house asking if I would like another massage. My husband gave me the funniest look as we listened to the recorded messages together. It's inappropriate, of course. It makes me uncomfortable, but I have to say, it does wonders for my self esteem. Isn't that awful to say???? God I sound horrid.

BTW, I'm a sucker for an Aussie accent...LOL!:crying:

general_antiope · May 22, 2008

Manatee, I love reading your posts. Nicely stated. :crying: Perfect!

libra...you and me both sister. "Nao that's a NOIFE"

make33 · May 22, 2008

I'm finding that some men that never noticed me or had time for me before are suddenly finding the time to discuss issues with me. And guess what? Now I don't have the time for them: because I now know how very shallow they really are! So what has changed about us that suddenly makes us desirable? Nothing but our physical appearance, and that's it!

I am very happily married and nothing has changed in that area--yes it's nice to get the "looks" but my own prestige is so valuable...

I've just always been a believer in: if you want out, get out and then you can go and have all the good times you want! But don't cheat--because you're only cheating yourself...:crying:

(Sorry to be a downer!)

Bea1128 · May 22, 2008

I agree with Manatee as well. I can speak from personal experience. Four years ago, I lost a lot of weight. All of the sudden I was getting a lot of attention from the opposite sex. It had been so long since that had happened. I've been married to my husband for 15 years and we've been together for 17 years. I was very flattered to say the least. I never acted on it, but I was resentful of my DH because he didn't give me the attention that other men were. My DH is a wonderful man, great father, I couldn't ask for anyone better; however, he's not the kind of guy who flirts, etc. I on the other hand am very much into flirting and playful banter. He's also not the sexually aggressive one in our relationship. He's gorgeous and doesn't know it. Girls are always flirting with him and he just doesn't get it. Anyway, needless to say it caused some hurt feelings when I lost all of my weight. What he didn't seem to understand is that I didn't want anyone else, but I wanted that playfulness and excitement in our relationship.

Anyway, I gained all of my weight back and it isn't an issue at the moment. This time around I'll be aware of the problems it might cause and hopefully can do something about it before feelings are hurt.

Weightloss changes people for sure. All of the sudden I wasn't invisible anymore and I didn't have to be. I was more confident and outgoing. My outside finally reflected who I was on the inside. While I can't wait to be that person again, I hope I will recognize that it's a change for my DH as well. I hope I can be more sensitive to his feelings about it as well. I don't want anyone else and besides my DH doesn't deserve that, but it's nice to be noticed, I have to admit. And to answer the original question, I can totally see how someone might have an affair after WLS.