My dad always told me that when you cant stop dwelling on what people say about you, you are letting them live rent free in your head. Well...there was a comment made on Sunday that I cant seem to evict!

My husband and I were visiting my inlaws in another state. We attended the church where my FIL is a preacher. We always attend church with them when we visit. Last visit we made was 2 weeks post op, so I had not lost really anything at that point. This was the first time the people at the church have seen me since my extreme weight loss. A lot of people made comments about how great I looked, and that didnt bother me at all. However, two ladies came up to my husband and I, told me I looked so good, then they turned to my husband and said, "looks like you really made out on that deal!" My husband laughed and said, "Yeah my investment really paid off!" For background, we got married two months before my surgery.

I tried to laugh it off in the moment, but I really had to bite back tears. I have never felt that my husband looked at me any differently at 284 or 140. He himself has said that he only saw me, never my weight. He says he loves me regardless.

Both comments, from the lady AND my husband's reply has been on repeat in my head all week. Who finds that comment appropriate to say to anyone?? I was a catch at my HW and I am no more or less of a catch at my CW. He didnt marry me hoping I would lose weight and look better physically, at least I would certainly HOPE not, seeing as he is overweight himself.

It was inappropriate and hurtful. Normally, I would address my husbands comment with him in private. However, our marriage has been rough (to say the least) lately and I didnt want to start an argument. I know he will tell me that it was a joke, I am being too sensitive and overthinking it. Which...maybe I am but that doesnt make the comments hurt less.

I dont know...I guess i just needed to vent to people that would understand!

4 minutes ago, The Greater Fool said:

I'm a guy.

I don't see this as the hill to die on. This is him dealing with an awkward comment by old acquaintances. We're not always quick on our feet. Take the intended compliments as a win.

From your several comments, it sounds like this is just the most recent of a long line of comments and actions that have bothered you. My take is that he may be feeling insecure and may be why he is defensive about everything. He's the same shlub you married, but you are not becoming very attractive and might want to trade up.

If you and he let the resentments build it won't end well. The rapid changes of weight loss surgery tend to make good relationships better and bad ones worse. You need several conversations where you both can express your concerns and commit to your devotion. Several conversations. Insecurity is quick to build as this situation cranked you up. Reiterate that you both are on the same team.

Communication will help solve this one way or the other. Not communicating can only end one way.

Good luck.

Tek

Good answer GF

9 minutes ago, The Greater Fool said:

If you and he let the resentments build it won't end well. The rapid changes of weight loss surgery tend to make good relationships better and bad ones worse. You need several conversations where you both can express your concerns and commit to your devotion. Several conversations. Insecurity is quick to build as this situation cranked you up. Reiterate that you both are on the same team.

Communication will help solve this one way or the other. Not communicating can only end one way.

+10000000

Personally, I don't think he meant it in the way you received it.

I think of this surgery as an investment. And it's a great investment on myself for several reasons, not just appearance. I would say that my investment paid off.

I don't think he meant it as a bad thing, I think he meant yeah, she's healthy she's happy, she looks great -life is good all around, type of meaning.

Maybe write your feelings down on a piece of paper and consider it a thing of the past.

15 minutes ago, The Greater Fool said:

I'm a guy.

I don't see this as the hill to die on. This is him dealing with an awkward comment by old acquaintances. We're not always quick on our feet. Take the intended compliments as a win.

From your several comments, it sounds like this is just the most recent of a long line of comments and actions that have bothered you. My take is that he may be feeling insecure and may be why he is defensive about everything. He's the same shlub you married, but you are not becoming very attractive and might want to trade up.

If you and he let the resentments build it won't end well. The rapid changes of weight loss surgery tend to make good relationships better and bad ones worse. You need several conversations where you both can express your concerns and commit to your devotion. Several conversations. Insecurity is quick to build as this situation cranked you up. Reiterate that you both are on the same team.

Communication will help solve this one way or the other. Not communicating can only end one way.

Good luck.

Tek

I think you hit the nail on the head. I know he is insecure about my weight loss. That was the reason he gave when he was caught *behaving inappropriately*

I havent been able to really talk to him about my feelings because our conversations inevitably turn to how he is insecure and what I can do to help him not feel that way, or what I did wrong to MAKE him feel that way.

So it was frustrating when he made a comment to make ME feel insecure, but not feeling like I could communicate that to him.

Y'all are right. I should let it go. It is not worth the headache and potential argument.

Edited April 3, 20215 yr by alissajs
removed personal information

2 minutes ago, alissajs said:

I think you hit the nail on the head. I know he is insecure about my weight loss. That was the reason he gave when he was caught having inappropriate conversations with women several times. That he was insecure and wanted to make sure he was still attractive to the opposite sex (other than me, because as he said "you're required to say that").

I havent been able to really talk to him about my feelings because our conversations inevitably turn to how he is insecure and what I can do to help him not feel that way, or what I did wrong to MAKE him feel that way.

So it was frustrating when he made a comment to make ME feel insecure, but not feeling like I could communicate that to him.

Y'all are right. I should let it go. It is not worth the headache and potential argument.

OK, every post you make makes things sound worse.

IMHO, get some marriage counseling. You both need to learn how to fight effectively.

I've had insecurities about my weight loss as has my spouse. Inappropriate conversations with the opposite sex almost certainly would have been a bridge to far, though. I'm not sure either of us could get past such betrayal. But, that's us.

"You're supposed to say that" may reveal some of his thinking. "I'm insecure about your weight loss" may be something he's "supposed to say" to excuse something wrong he gets caught doing.

Get professional help.

Men and women are different. Go figure. Sometimes we need help learning HOW to communicate, in a safe space.

Again, good luck.

26 minutes ago, Tim C said:

Male vs female emotions. I am not saying it is right but painting with a broad brush generally true.

I find this offensive and not at all true. We have trained men in this country to be dismissive of women and to treat them as though they are overly emotional. What about a man who "has a bad day" and shoots a whole bunch of people? Or gets drunk and beats his wife and kids? Is that not overly emotional? It's more that men's emotions are considered acceptable and "boys will be boys" whereas women who show emotions are considered "hysterical" and need to be controlled.

OP is entitled to her feelings and what the church ladies and her husband said would hurt me too! They probably weren't thinking about what they were saying, in fact probably saw it as a "compliment" but my grandmother, who loved me soooo much, used to say that I had "such a pretty face" and in her eyes it was a compliment but it hurt so much.

However, OP is facing a difficult situation at home and it's not clear whether the toll of bringing up her feelings is worth it. I would say that she should consider what @catwoman7 said; he may have just been trying not to be confrontational, in which case, maybe he is a little embarrassed about what he said but if he doesn't like to be disagreed with, confronting him could just make him dig his heels in which could lead to more hurt.

I'm so sorry this happened to you @alissajs and I hope your relationship with your husband improves or you find a way to move on.

2 minutes ago, The Greater Fool said:

OK, every post you make makes things sound worse.

IMHO, get some marriage counseling. You both need to learn how to fight effectively.

I've had insecurities about my weight loss as has my spouse. Inappropriate conversations with the opposite sex almost certainly would have been a bridge to far, though. I'm not sure either of us could get past such betrayal. But, that's us.

"You're supposed to say that" may reveal some of his thinking. "I'm insecure about your weight loss" may be something he's "supposed to say" to excuse something wrong he gets caught doing.

Get professional help.

Men and women are different. Go figure. Sometimes we need help learning HOW to communicate, in a safe space.

Again, good luck.

Thank you. We are in counseling, and have been for some time now. Im not sure we will be able to make it through what he's done, but I cant give up without at least giving it a fighting chance.

3 minutes ago, lizonaplane said:

I find this offensive and not at all true. We have trained men in this country to be dismissive of women and to treat them as though they are overly emotional. What about a man who "has a bad day" and shoots a whole bunch of people? Or gets drunk and beats his wife and kids? Is that not overly emotional? It's more that men's emotions are considered acceptable and "boys will be boys" whereas women who show emotions are considered "hysterical" and need to be controlled.

OP is entitled to her feelings and what the church ladies and her husband said would hurt me too! They probably weren't thinking about what they were saying, in fact probably saw it as a "compliment" but my grandmother, who loved me soooo much, used to say that I had "such a pretty face" and in her eyes it was a compliment but it hurt so much.

However, OP is facing a difficult situation at home and it's not clear whether the toll of bringing up her feelings is worth it. I would say that she should consider what @catwoman7 said; he may have just been trying not to be confrontational, in which case, maybe he is a little embarrassed about what he said but if he doesn't like to be disagreed with, confronting him could just make him dig his heels in which could lead to more hurt.

I'm so sorry this happened to you @alissajs and I hope your relationship with your husband improves or you find a way to move on.

Thank you. I know they werent TRYING to be hurtful, but it was. Plain and simple. Should it have? IDK. I cant control the fact that it did though.

20 minutes ago, catwoman7 said:

I'm looking at this now from the women's perspectives - it's kind of awkward NOT to say anything when people have clearly lost a ton of weight. Pretty much everyone has seen me by now at a normal weight, and a lot of people never knew me when I was obese, but the first year or two after surgery, I got A LOT of comments. They kind of bothered me, but then again, when someone DIDN'T say something, it was almost weirder. Like...how could they not notice that I've lost 200 lbs? (I'm sure they DID notice, but it seemed weird to see the look on their faces, and then not having them say something). One woman, who clearly didn't want to mention my weight, asked if I had new hair style. WTF? I almost burst out laughing. The whole situation is just awkward all around. Damned if you do and damned if you don't. Your husband probably didn't know how to respond to their comments other than to say something humorous and move on.

I hate it when people comment on my weight, even though they're all positive comments now, but it's probably true that people feel like they should say something. I can often tell when it's coming, by the way someone looks at me (you know that pause, double-take, up-and-down scan). I am honestly kind of impressed when people resist the urge to mention my weight, and I think more highly of these people who have watched me lose more than half of my body weight and not made a single comment on my body. My boss, for one, has never mentioned my weight, and I never got the sense that he treated me any differently even when I was at my highest weight. I am so grateful for this because if I get a promotion, I won't have to wonder if it's only because I'm now a more socially acceptable size.

Just now, alissajs said:

Thank you. We are in counseling, and have been for some time now. Im not sure we will be able to make it through what he's done, but I cant give up without at least giving it a fighting chance.

I'm heartily glad for you.

I hope things work out how you want them to.

Tek

1 minute ago, lizonaplane said:

I find this offensive and not at all true. We have trained men in this country to be dismissive of women and to treat them as though they are overly emotional. What about a man who "has a bad day" and shoots a whole bunch of people? Or gets drunk and beats his wife and kids? Is that not overly emotional? It's more that men's emotions are considered acceptable and "boys will be boys" whereas women who show emotions are considered "hysterical" and need to be controlled.

OP is entitled to her feelings and what the church ladies and her husband said would hurt me too! They probably weren't thinking about what they were saying, in fact probably saw it as a "compliment" but my grandmother, who loved me soooo much, used to say that I had "such a pretty face" and in her eyes it was a compliment but it hurt so much.

However, OP is facing a difficult situation at home and it's not clear whether the toll of bringing up her feelings is worth it. I would say that she should consider what @catwoman7 said; he may have just been trying not to be confrontational, in which case, maybe he is a little embarrassed about what he said but if he doesn't like to be disagreed with, confronting him could just make him dig his heels in which could lead to more hurt.

I'm so sorry this happened to you @alissajs and I hope your relationship with your husband improves or you find a way to move on.

I find it offensive that you think I am being dismissive. Having lived with women , my wife for one, for at least 40 years i think I can speak from experience. Google is your friend...Here you go....first thing that popped up on google.
In numerous studies females score higher than males in standard tests of emotion recognition, social sensitivity andempathy. Neuroimaging studies have investigated these findings further and discovered that females utilise more areas of the brain containing mirror neurons than males when they process emotions.Nov 20, 2018

HTH

It sounds like your husband was trying to sound witty at the spur of the moment, but the fact that this has hurt you is very valid. However, the fact that you can’t talk this out in a loving way is very concerning. Since there seem to be some very deep issues here, I would really suggest marriage counseling. You both need to feel safe and accepted when something needs to be worked out, and counseling can give you that safe space.

9 minutes ago, BigSue said:

I am honestly kind of impressed when people resist the urge to mention my weight, and I think more highly of these people who have watched me lose more than half of my body weight and not made a single comment on my body.

Me Too!

And same as you, I hadn't been in the office in about 8-9 months (was at a client site) and when I went to a team lunch after losing 120 lbs, my boss didn't even bat an eyelash. The others at the table tried to follow his lead, but their eyes were visibly bugged out. My boss was cool as a cucumber, and just said, when I walked up to the table, "So good to see you! It's been a while." ❤️

...and for the the first time in many, many months, I had a nice meal without anyone talking about me, my weight, what was I eating, etc. etc . It was just lunch. And it was nice.

Edited April 3, 20215 yr by ms.sss

1 minute ago, Tim C said:

I find it offensive that you think I am being dismissive. Having lived with women , my wife for one, for at least 40 years i think I can speak from experience. Google is your friend...Here you go....first thing that popped up on google.
In numerous studies females score higher than males in standard tests of emotion recognition, social sensitivity andempathy. Neuroimaging studies have investigated these findings further and discovered that females utilise more areas of the brain containing mirror neurons than males when they process emotions.Nov 20, 2018

HTH

Science is NOT "the first thing that pops up on google". Plus there is always more variation across people in one gender than there is between males and females. I have studied statistics extensively and have worked in research methodology. I work in clinical trials now.

Also, one woman that you live with is not a statistically relevant sample size.

Just now, lizonaplane said:

Science is NOT "the first thing that pops up on google". Plus there is always more variation across people in one gender than there is between males and females. I have studied statistics extensively and have worked in research methodology. I work in clinical trials now.

Also, one woman that you live with is not a statistically relevant sample size.

How about several women over 40 years including my saintly mother, sisters, daughters, female business owners I work with and other lady friends that I shacked with when younger? I didn't look for science...just men's emotions vs women's emotions. Pretty simple.