Random Rant on Love. Rambling.

[danieocean 260]

I’ve never been a “rule follower”. Conversely, I have never been considered a “rebel”, I simply follow the beat of my own (albeit unique) drum. I am unapologetically myself and raw. My writing reflects this rough-edged quality: in that, I have no formal training in writing anything. I have favorite authors from whom I would guess I take inspiration. When I do take the time to try and explain myself out using the written word, I almost feel as though my sentiments can not be fortified. Like a composer sending his sheet music to a person incapable of understanding the notes on the staff. Not that I think so highly of myself as to compare myself to a composer…but more like I am so full of words… that to get them out into a coherent and readable piece without meandering on for several paragraphs as I madly type in no particular order or style, is difficult for me on a good day. It’s almost as if I need to be reading this aloud for the reader, in order to try and feel comfortable that my cadence is understood.

Maybe that entire paragraph I just wrote just shows how deeply and annoyingly insecure I am about everything…right down to what I write that may never even be seen by anyone. All that being said, in a sense, you’ve been forewarned.

I’ve clung to an archaic idea of what romantic love should be.

The kind of love you hear about online, in stories on your newsfeed of the couple who had been married for 67 years and wound up dying hours apart…so distraught the thought of living without the other inevitably and literally kills them.

The kind of love that is so often depicted in Disney movies and romantic dramas…is this concept just that? A fairytale?

The feelings you get from a new relationship hearkens back to this kind of “ romantic love”: Giddiness, anticipation, want, hope.

Are these feelings doomed to fail and decay with time?

Have we been tricked by the warm glow of Hollywood’s manipulated portrayal of romance? By the writings of so many authors, poets, and songwriters?

Is romantic love only a momentary feeling?

If that be the case, then I guess I’ve experienced true romantic love.

I dream…constantly. A nuisance to say the least. Wild and vivid dreams, weird, chaotic and nonsensical. Most of these dreams are irrelevant regurgitated scraps of the days prior. Of course, there are nightmares. The typical frightening dreams most people have. But of all these dreams, to me, the worst are the ones in which I feel this deep “love”. These dreams don’t revolve around any man in particular. It could be someone in my waking life that I would think to myself “No chance in hell!”. On an ‘easy to relate to’ level, it feels like the celebrity you’ve idolized and drooled after for so many years has come to your front door and said “I’m here to take you away” (cliche…I know…forgive me). But on a complicated and very tempestuous level, I can quite literally feel this “love” in my heart, a heaviness, as if my heart had suddenly found a new, deeper, undiscovered rhythm.

Once I become conscious, open my eyes and come to the realization that my dream was just that…a dream, I end up feeling hollow. Confused….and deep bitter sadness. I would liken it to grieving for someone that never existed. Strange, but very real.

I’ve been in 2 serious long term relationships. They always start out the same…those same early romantic glow-y “Hollywood” feelings.

The first ended unceremoniously. I spent nearly a decade trying to prove a point to myself, I guess. One day, I just woke up, clear-headed and exhausted by the whole thing. He was surprised. I wasn’t. I had been mourning our relationship for almost 2 years. I barely cried when it ended.

The second, I’m currently still involved in. I sense a similar pattern, however, in this relationship. It started beautifully and, in the beginning, we would dream of what together we could accomplish. How we’d be like the old couple I mentioned earlier. Playing with our grandchildren someday and telling them the sweet story of how “Nana and Pappy” met.

As my relationships have evolved, I have too. The problem is, I pick men who don’t evolve. I do everything in my power to fix them and get them on the right path. I encourage, uplift and mend what can be mended. The rest is up to them, which, thus far has been an impossible undertaking for any man. Meanwhile, I ask for no help, I’ve never needed it. I’ve always been innately self-sufficient. I then go on to resent them for something they never even asked for.

Once the newness wears off, aside from the obvious grievances I’ve shared above…every relationship I have personally seen ends up in the same hum-drum state eventually. So, it’s not just me. I can not recall any couple that has been together for a long period of time that doesn’t either hate each other and/or just tolerate each other’s existence.

From what I can see, a long term relationship can be summarized very easily in this day and age…you sit in the same room as the person you’re in a relationship with. You don’t really communicate besides a brief chat about some garbage show you both want to watch. You argue about what to eat for dinner. You eat. You sleep. You work. And you do it all over again day after day. Add or subtract children depending on the relationship.

I truly believe life itself is hum-drum and dull and only punctuated with moments true unbridled happiness.

I believe unconditional love is truly extraordinary and exceedingly rare. I’m lucky enough to have that with a few people in my life; My parents and my brother. There is nothing they could ever do or say that would make me not love them. They are, to me the most vital source of love in my life, which without, I would be severely crippled.

Is unconditional love unattainable and therefore incompatible with romantic love?

If the person I’m currently with were to stray, I would leave him. If he were to make a bad decision and get arrested, I would leave him. He has a substance abuse problem and if he can’t get it under control, I will leave him. ****, even if he does…I’m not even sure I want to stay.

What I do know is: unconditional love is a real thing. I feel it on a daily basis. It’s there even when I don’t want it and feel like being left alone. I’m moody, you see, but I’m working on it. Romantic love…well…I just don’t know if that’s realistic. Is caring about someone’s well being romantic? No. Does buying a house together make it a home? No. Is this dreamy romantic love forever possible with someone else? Anything’s possible. Will the next man be just as or more so difficult than the last? I don’t know.

Frozen. Fear seems to have overtaken my wit. Fear of being alone. Losing the things I worked so hard to obtain. Losing the time I invested with the purest of intentions.

As my biological clock ticks, each tick seems louder than the last. And what to do about that? Wait.

Is the problem me?

Is the problem just down to the men I pick?

Or is every romantic relationship headed for the same vapid, boring existence given the right amount of time?

I don’t know and I’m almost too scared to find out.

[FluffyChix 17,409]

Are you a Bronte sister? Or maybe Anne Shirley?

Nice piece! Wish I could chime in. You have a definite writing style and meter/tempo/cadence I feel as I read your work. You've got talent.

[danieocean 260]

12 minutes ago, FluffyChix said:

Are you a Bronte sister? Or maybe Anne Shirley?

Nice piece! Wish I could chime in. You have a definite writing style and meter/tempo/cadence I feel as I read your work. You've got talent.

What an incredible compliment!!! Thank you for your support and kind words. I'm looking to start writing more. I feel I may have found an outlet for all these chaotic feelings/thoughts that course through my mind every second. Perhaps not the proper forum, but...I'll figure it out. I really appreciate the feedback ❤️❤️❤️ I always see you on here, being so encouraging. There should be more people like you in this world!

Edited August 23, 2019 by danieocean

[Deedee12 1,859]

I’ve never been a “rule follower”. Conversely, I have never been considered a “rebel”, I simply follow the beat of my own (albeit unique) drum. I am unapologetically myself and raw. My writing reflects this rough-edged quality: in that, I have no formal training in writing anything. I have favorite authors from whom I would guess I take inspiration. When I do take the time to try and explain myself out using the written word, I almost feel as though my sentiments can not be fortified. Like a composer sending his sheet music to a person incapable of understanding the notes on the staff. Not that I think so highly of myself as to compare myself to a composer…but more like I am so full of words… that to get them out into a coherent and readable piece without meandering on for several paragraphs as I madly type in no particular order or style, is difficult for me on a good day. It’s almost as if I need to be reading this aloud for the reader, in order to try and feel comfortable that my cadence is understood.
Maybe that entire paragraph I just wrote just shows how deeply and annoyingly insecure I am about everything…right down to what I write that may never even be seen by anyone. All that being said, in a sense, you’ve been forewarned.
I’ve clung to an archaic idea of what romantic love should be.
The kind of love you hear about online, in stories on your newsfeed of the couple who had been married for 67 years and wound up dying hours apart…so distraught the thought of living without the other inevitably and literally kills them.
The kind of love that is so often depicted in Disney movies and romantic dramas…is this concept just that? A fairytale?
The feelings you get from a new relationship hearkens back to this kind of “ romantic love”: Giddiness, anticipation, want, hope.
Are these feelings doomed to fail and decay with time?
Have we been tricked by the warm glow of Hollywood’s manipulated portrayal of romance? By the writings of so many authors, poets, and songwriters?
Is romantic love only a momentary feeling?
If that be the case, then I guess I’ve experienced true romantic love.
I dream…constantly. A nuisance to say the least. Wild and vivid dreams, weird, chaotic and nonsensical. Most of these dreams are irrelevant regurgitated scraps of the days prior. Of course, there are nightmares. The typical frightening dreams most people have. But of all these dreams, to me, the worst are the ones in which I feel this deep “love”. These dreams don’t revolve around any man in particular. It could be someone in my waking life that I would think to myself “No chance in hell!”. On an ‘easy to relate to’ level, it feels like the celebrity you’ve idolized and drooled after for so many years has come to your front door and said “I’m here to take you away” (cliche…I know…forgive me). But on a complicated and very tempestuous level, I can quite literally feel this “love” in my heart, a heaviness, as if my heart had suddenly found a new, deeper, undiscovered rhythm.
Once I become conscious, open my eyes and come to the realization that my dream was just that…a dream, I end up feeling hollow. Confused….and deep bitter sadness. I would liken it to grieving for someone that never existed. Strange, but very real.
I’ve been in 2 serious long term relationships. They always start out the same…those same early romantic glow-y “Hollywood” feelings.
The first ended unceremoniously. I spent nearly a decade trying to prove a point to myself, I guess. One day, I just woke up, clear-headed and exhausted by the whole thing. He was surprised. I wasn’t. I had been mourning our relationship for almost 2 years. I barely cried when it ended.
The second, I’m currently still involved in. I sense a similar pattern, however, in this relationship. It started beautifully and, in the beginning, we would dream of what together we could accomplish. How we’d be like the old couple I mentioned earlier. Playing with our grandchildren someday and telling them the sweet story of how “Nana and Pappy” met.
As my relationships have evolved, I have too. The problem is, I pick men who don’t evolve. I do everything in my power to fix them and get them on the right path. I encourage, uplift and mend what can be mended. The rest is up to them, which, thus far has been an impossible undertaking for any man. Meanwhile, I ask for no help, I’ve never needed it. I’ve always been innately self-sufficient. I then go on to resent them for something they never even asked for.
Once the newness wears off, aside from the obvious grievances I’ve shared above…every relationship I have personally seen ends up in the same hum-drum state eventually. So, it’s not just me. I can not recall any couple that has been together for a long period of time that doesn’t either hate each other and/or just tolerate each other’s existence.
From what I can see, a long term relationship can be summarized very easily in this day and age…you sit in the same room as the person you’re in a relationship with. You don’t really communicate besides a brief chat about some garbage show you both want to watch. You argue about what to eat for dinner. You eat. You sleep. You work. And you do it all over again day after day. Add or subtract children depending on the relationship.
I truly believe life itself is hum-drum and dull and only punctuated with moments true unbridled happiness.
I believe unconditional love is truly extraordinary and exceedingly rare. I’m lucky enough to have that with a few people in my life; My parents and my brother. There is nothing they could ever do or say that would make me not love them. They are, to me the most vital source of love in my life, which without, I would be severely crippled.
Is unconditional love unattainable and therefore incompatible with romantic love?
If the person I’m currently with were to stray, I would leave him. If he were to make a bad decision and get arrested, I would leave him. He has a substance abuse problem and if he can’t get it under control, I will leave him. ****, even if he does…I’m not even sure I want to stay.
What I do know is: unconditional love is a real thing. I feel it on a daily basis. It’s there even when I don’t want it and feel like being left alone. I’m moody, you see, but I’m working on it. Romantic love…well…I just don’t know if that’s realistic. Is caring about someone’s well being romantic? No. Does buying a house together make it a home? No. Is this dreamy romantic love forever possible with someone else? Anything’s possible. Will the next man be just as or more so difficult than the last? I don’t know.
Frozen. Fear seems to have overtaken my wit. Fear of being alone. Losing the things I worked so hard to obtain. Losing the time I invested with the purest of intentions.
As my biological clock ticks, each tick seems louder than the last. And what to do about that? Wait.
Is the problem me?
Is the problem just down to the men I pick?
Or is every romantic relationship headed for the same vapid, boring existence given the right amount of time?
I don’t know and I’m almost too scared to find out.

Beautiful piece!!! Really talented!!![emoji112][emoji112][emoji112][emoji112][emoji122][emoji122][emoji122][emoji122][emoji122][emoji122][emoji122][emoji122]
Life is "hum drum" infused with occasional self driven "passion filled" moments 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

Sent from my SM-N960U using BariatricPal mobile app

[FLHappyGirl 171]

Wow, you're talented; I'm almost embarrassed to write a response for fear of being compared to your writings!

Push your fears aside and continue on your journey! You may be pleasantly surprised at what you find out there! 😁

[danieocean 260]

13 minutes ago, Deedee12 said:

Beautiful piece!!! Really talented!!!
Life is "hum drum" infused with occasional self driven "passion filled" moments 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

Sent from my SM-N960U using BariatricPal mobile app

THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!! I'm seriously grateful you took the time to read my never-ending mind vomit LOL! And, right? I feel like all I do is look for my next project. Something to look forward to, to keep me occupied until the next "exciting" thing happens.

[danieocean 260]

1 hour ago, FLHappyGirl said:

Wow, you're talented; I'm almost embarrassed to write a response for fear of being compared to your writings!

Push your fears aside and continue on your journey! You may be pleasantly surprised at what you find out there! 😁

OMG, do not feel embarrassed! I was skeptical about posting this in general, myself. It's not easy to be vulnerable and speak your absolute truth. Thank you for your sweetness and support. This next chapter of my journey will start out rough, I'm sure. In the end, I know it's worth it. I'm being selfish for the first time in my life and being honest about who I am and what I want. It's exhilarating and terrifying at the same time. Thank you again!! ❤️❤️❤️

[rs 1,473]

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I enjoyed the read. Sometimes I get frustrated by my hum-drum 20 year marriage with two kids. But most of the time I actually like the comfort it brings me.

[MIZ60 1,291]

That is really an excellent and well written piece. I have been with my husband for 36 years, since I was 25 years old and I can honestly say that imho a relationship is what you make it. Our meeting and falling in love was like a Calvin Klein commercial and I still fondly remember that time. Life has taken us on many wonderful and terrible journeys but the one thing that has been constant is our support of each other. We still have fun together and while our life is boring and mundane at times I can not imagine any other. Sometimes I want nothing more than to change his address but I get over it😊. Retirement (his) has been a real challenge but I have recently reentered the workforce and that has helped me so much. I think the key to maintaining a long, healthy relationship is to pick a really good person and get to know them well before making a permanent commitment. Nothing is perfect but there are also red flags that can not be ignored.

I truly wish you the best and hope everything works out for you. Never be afraid...

[SueSaBelle 57]

I really enjoyed reading your piece. It reminds me of what I was feeling about 9 years ago. I was 40 and my son was graduating from high school. I had been a single parent for 16 years who only dated when my son was at his father's house. Years of pressure from family to be normal - my Dad liked to say I did everything bassackwards - I got pregnant and refused to marry the father, I bought my own house and lastly got married. I believed in "soul mates" and everlasting love but still hadn't experienced it for myself. I wondered if I would ever be worthy of love and all the while my Aunt would tell me to stop worrying about it, work on loving myself and it would happen when I least expected it. I got tired of being the fifth wheel in social situations and dating was a nightmare.

Needless to say, my Aunt was right. I met my husband at work - he was my partner for a few years. We would socialize on group outings so when he asked me to go to a play with him, I didn't even realize he was asking me out on a date. I was so use to being in the "friend zone" at work that it didn't register with me until he held my hand during the play. The next day I was still dazed and confused about how I felt - I never thought of him romantically and he definitely didn't fit my type. This was a good thing though. He was confident in who he was as a nerd and a father and in turn made me feel comfortable with myself. It is hard to describe that level of comfort. I didn't have to pretend to be something I am not, he liked how I looked without make-up, and didn't care how much I weighed. Over the past 7 years of marriage, his support and love have been constant through family strife and a couple of surgeries that I have had. I am no longer anxious about fitting in. I know my place is next to him and he is my best friend. Don't get me wrong - there are times when we argue and need our space. But I know that we will work things out because we do love each other and I will never doubt it. He does the quiet little things that show me his love, unlike others who have gone over the top to declare their love but don't stay true. Does it look like Hollywood ideal love? Some days it does with random dancing in the kitchen while making dinner together. Others days it's far from it with cleaning the toilet or all the other mundane household chores. Is it possible to have more than one "soul mate?" I think so but I also believe in God and that this relationship came along when it was suppose to. My husband tells me that he wishes we would have met in our twenties before he married his first wife. I tell him I love the thought but I don't think we would have appreciated each other if we met back then. Those earlier experiences helped shape who we are and what we would become. All I know is that I am grateful for him for loving me "just as I am" even though I keep changing.

I hope you one day fine your "comfortable person."