Feeling Guilty: Who's life do I save? Mine or my daughters?

[Last Resort 7]

So I just started this journey last week. I'm 55 with a 46 BMI. Sigh. How did this happen? I work in a hospital that has a Bariatric Center of Excellence accreditation weight loss program with a wonderful surgeon. My children are grown and I've run out of excuses to get my weight under control. So I did the first hard thing you have to do and that is make the first appointment. Boy are things moving fast now! Some of my fears are being alleviated and I'm coming to terms that this is what I must do in order to get healthy.

BUT my concern is my daughter. She is a very beautiful, bright 21 year old college student who with all of the stress over the past 3 years has really put on an extensive amount of weight. She is so unhappy with her self. She tries everything only to fail. She is so miserable and I cannot stand seeing her in so much pain. Financially as a college student she cannot afford the procedure and unfortunately I cannot afford it for both of us.

I feel so selfish. I know it is going to be painful for her watching the weight come off of me and her not having the tools she needs to help herself. She has her life ahead of her and mine is half over. I'm almost to the point of offering up the option to her instead and paying for her to get the help she needs.

I'm really torn. It's like "who's life do you save? Yours or your daughters?" I am at a loss and I'm hurting too.

[Swanton_Bomb 522]

Neither of you have insurance that can cover the procedure? Perhaps she can get insurance. Maybe you can self pay for both of you in Mexico (or even another state, it varies a lot from state to state) or use a financing plan to borrow the money. Good luck.

[Matt Z 4,138]

Check with your insurance company... mine has a max limit for out of pocket. So with my surgery this year, pretty much every other approved medical need, is covered at 100%. So, if one of my immediate family needed to have surgery, they could, and it would more than likely be 100% free at this point.

Talk to your insurance and find out what costs you can actually be looking at, never just assume anything!

[Matt Z 4,138]

And honestly, your life is more at risk. You are older and have more than likely dealt with the weight much longer than your daughter. Your risk ratio is going to be MUCH higher than hers. My family saw the benefits of my surgery. My wife goes to the gym with me, my son's are eating better, because I'm eating better and we don't buy foods that I can't (or am not supposed to) eat very often now. So my surgery has had positive implications for the rest of my household. So, if you do end up getting the surgery yourself, she will more than likely benefit from it as well.

[KENCYBNYC 2]

36 minutes ago, Last Resort said:

So I just started this journey last week. I'm 55 with a 46 BMI. Sigh. How did this happen? I work in a hospital that has a Bariatric Center of Excellence accreditation weight loss program with a wonderful surgeon. My children are grown and I've run out of excuses to get my weight under control. So I did the first hard thing you have to do and that is make the first appointment. Boy are things moving fast now! Some of my fears are being alleviated and I'm coming to terms that this is what I must do in order to get healthy.

BUT my concern is my daughter. She is a very beautiful, bright 21 year old college student who with all of the stress over the past 3 years has really put on an extensive amount of weight. She is so unhappy with her self. She tries everything only to fail. She is so miserable and I cannot stand seeing her in so much pain. Financially as a college student she cannot afford the procedure and unfortunately I cannot afford it for both of us.

I feel so selfish. I know it is going to be painful for her watching the weight come off of me and her not having the tools she needs to help herself. She has her life ahead of her and mine is half over. I'm almost to the point of offering up the option to her instead and paying for her to get the help she needs.

I'm really torn. It's like "who's life do you save? Yours or your daughters?" I am at a loss and I'm hurting too.

I suggest you look into getting it done in Tijuana Mexico, where I had it done.

My insur didn’t cover it, so I had to scrape up the $6K to do it. But it would have been around $4,500 but I had a lap band to sleeve revision which raised the price an extra $1,500.

People come from all over the world to Tijuana for Medical Tourism. Google and YouTube it. There’s a LOT of info about these providers.

Maybe at these prices you can both afford to do it. Good luck!

[TakingABreak 2,733]

38 minutes ago, Matt Z said:

Check with your insurance company... mine has a max limit for out of pocket. So with my surgery this year, pretty much every other approved medical need, is covered at 100%. So, if one of my immediate family needed to have surgery, they could, and it would more than likely be 100% free at this point.

Talk to your insurance and find out what costs you can actually be looking at, never just assume anything!

@Last Resort ^^^^ this. If she is on a family medical plan. Many have out of pocket maximums for families for the calendar year. Its possible that you guys might meet that with your surgery alone. Def. explore this.

23 minutes ago, Matt Z said:

And honestly, your life is more at risk. You are older and have more than likely dealt with the weight much longer than your daughter. Your risk ratio is going to be MUCH higher than hers. My family saw the benefits of my surgery. My wife goes to the gym with me, my son's are eating better, because I'm eating better and we don't buy foods that I can't (or am not supposed to) eat very often now. So my surgery has had positive implications for the rest of my household. So, if you do end up getting the surgery yourself, she will more than likely benefit from it as well.

@Last Resort What Matt Z said is very right. You are at a higher risk for health concerns than your daughter due to age. This isn't a once in a lifetime opportunity, she may get a job in the next couple years that will pay for the surgery or make it more affordable.

[SteveT74 359]

This shouldn't be a binary choice between your health and that of your daughter. I see you live in Illinois and have private insurance, which assume is through your employer (Hospitals usually offer good health plans that cover bariatric surgery). With a BMI of 46 and assuming you are healthy enough for surgery, you should be able to qualify for coverage under your insurance policy. If you're daughter is 21 and a college student, she should also still be covered under your insurance plan (assuming you have a family plan). If you don't have a family plan, you should upgrade your policy to family so your daughter is covered. If that's the case, you should both be able to have the surgery (assuming your daughter also meets the criteria).

If you have health insurance provided by your employer doesn't cover bariatric surgery (some policies don't provide this coverage), you may want to change policies. Your employer may offer a better policy (for a higher monthly premium) that provides coverage for bariatric surgery and it would probably be more cost effective to pay a higher premium for a better policy with bariatric coverage as a family plan (which would be paid for using pre-tax dollars deducted from your pay check) than going to the private market for a better policy or paying for the procedure out of pocket (for one or both of you).

If going through your employer's health insurance options doesn't get you and your daughter the coverage you need, you can purchase an individual family plan through the open market or, better yet, you may (depending on your state law) purchase a group policy (which will have a much lower premium). I know in New York, all you need to qualify to purchase a group policy is to own a company that has three members (they don't have to be paid). So if you form a corporation (costs very little to do), and you make yourself president, your daughter secretary or your husband or other relative treasurer, you quality to purchase a small group policy for your business and employees. You only have to offer that policy to all your "employees" even if you're the only one that buys the family policy through this group plan (at least in NY--but I wouldn't be surprised if Illinois has a similar provision). You can pick an excellent plan with bariatric coverage for your family, which would be much cheaper than going out and buying an individual plan through open market. You and your daughter cannot be denied coverage for pre-existing conditions, so that is not a concern. Even if this type of plan would cost $20,000 for the year, it would be a hell of a lot cheaper than paying for even one bypass or sleave out of pocket. To set this up, you would need to talk to smart and experienced insurance broker (broker won't cost you anything) and maybe an attorney (setting up a corporation, even through lawyer, should only cost $500 to $1000 dollars).

The option to go to one of the lower cost centers in Neveda or Mexico (Tijuana) is not terrible choice either. The reputation for the facility in Tijuana is actually really good, but it would be better to have it done by a surgeon that's close enough to you that you can go him or her for follow up and they will be accessible if an issue arises.

If none of these options works (for whatever reason) and you are left with a binary choice between you and your daughter, at your age, I would suggest you have the surgery first. Your risk factors are likely higher and your state of disease is likely more advanced due to age. Your opportunity to benefit from this surgery and reduce the harm caused by obesity and any morbidities is higher now than it will be in 5 years. At 21, your daughter will have more time to have and benefit from this surgery during her life. Obesity is terrible for anyone, but at 21 her body can handle the stress from obesity better than yours over the next five years.

Look at it this way, it's like the safety instructions they give you on the plan. If the air masks drops from the ceiling due to sudden decompression, you put the mask on yourself first than on your child. Same rule applies here IMHO. Again, this should not have to be a binary choice. If you are creative, you should both be able to get this surgery. If there are any specifics about your situation that is preventing you and your daughter from both getting the surgery through insurance, please let us know and that might change the guidance we give.

[Frustr8 7,886]

Yes check in with your insurance, Matt Z made a suggestion I confess I wouldn't have thought of. She,is still in your policy, isn't she? Being in college she would be,right?
What I am going to suggest- get your surgery,first. You cannot,put out your daughter's fire if you have burned up, if you can't get her scheduled with yours , and there are a least a couple mom'daughters doing it,onBariatric Pal, get yours. Are you,sure anyway that she is also at this emotional point that you are? You are ready but she may not,have reached that point. Say Mom is at the point she is checking into bariatric surgery, would you like to go with me? Do you think you would like to do it yourself? If you want to, great but Mom is doing this.
I put my family ahead of me, my parents , my late husband, my kids, all they had to do,was look at me wrong and I caved in. Now I am 72, facing a surgery that would have been easier in my 50s my 60s, oh I will still make it through I am in remarledly good health other than arthritis and obesity.
My son attended the seminars at this new hospital with me, see I had finished prep twice before, long story there, at a BMI of 37,with a comorbid he might of also qualified but he's not emotionally ready at this point, oh he's supportive, supportive to the inth degree, but not yet for,him. His weight doesn't yet distress him, sure he is chunky but it's still a healthy chunky lows the yard, clears branches to the back,of the property etc but he sees I Do Need It whereas his sister RD short for Rotten Daughter is self-centered , doesn't much care, reached out to her, her answer' Whatever", sad but it's the truth.
But I will save my life, make it better, give,myself a future obesity denies me.
So heartless and strong sounding as this is. Save Yourself So That YOU can Save Your Daughter! Much love from me in Ohio Frustr8

[Sosewsue61 3,185]

@Last Resort you are in Illinois and it is one of the states that requires insurance cover bariatric surgery, even state medicaid patients can get it - they only pay for nutrition appts ($385 total). So your daughter could get a job that covers it in the near future.

You should def do the surgery so your health can have the best chance to improve. Don't pass up the opportunity. Good luck.

https://www.insure.com/health-insurance/weight-loss-surgery.html

Edited August 23, 2018 by Sosewsue61

[Last Resort 7]

WOW I am overwhelmed with all the support. Thank you all for the ideas. I do have insurance and my husband carries the family plan on his employer policy that would cover my daughter so we would not meet a family max since we would be utilizing two different insurance carriers. So we are looking at meeting two deductibles along with two 20% co-pays etc ). With two kids in college it's just not feasible for us to do both in one year. I am much like Frustr8...0I have always put my children first and I just can't get over feeling like it's not only my obligation but also because of my love for her I cannot stand seeing my kids in pain. And yes she is ready for it.... I don't know if I will ever get over that and I think that I am stronger and now that I've started the process and am feeling in control for one of the first times maybe I could lose weight on my own and be her support system. Kind of like what Matt Z said about it positively impacting his family..... me helping her could positively help me.

I suppose you are all right....At a minimum I could do the procedure this year and then help her once she has graduated. I now have a lot of soul searching to do just when I thought I had this all figured out!

[Swanton_Bomb 522]

Does she work part time? Maybe she can finance the 20% and pay it back.

[Matt Z 4,138]

21 minutes ago, Last Resort said:

WOW I am overwhelmed with all the support. Thank you all for the ideas. I do have insurance and my husband carries the family plan on his employer policy that would cover my daughter so we would not meet a family max since we would be utilizing two different insurance carriers. So we are looking at meeting two deductibles along with two 20% co-pays etc ). With two kids in college it's just not feasible for us to do both in one year. I am much like Frustr8...0I have always put my children first and I just can't get over feeling like it's not only my obligation but also because of my love for her I cannot stand seeing my kids in pain. And yes she is ready for it.... I don't know if I will ever get over that and I think that I am stronger and now that I've started the process and am feeling in control for one of the first times maybe I could lose weight on my own and be her support system. Kind of like what Matt Z said about it positively impacting his family..... me helping her could positively help me.

I suppose you are all right....At a minimum I could do the procedure this year and then help her once she has graduated. I now have a lot of soul searching to do just when I thought I had this all figured out!

If your husband had a family plan, you and your daughter are BOTH are on that plan. You can use 2 different insurances to cover 1 surgery as well. So if you've got your own and your husband has the family, you can use both yours and his for your surgery. Your daughter would still only be under your husbands plan as you stated, but it's possible that your surgery on your husbands plan, while co-insured by yours, will still put you at your max out of pocket for his plan. Give some folks a call and don't assume anything, let THEM tell you what's what!

[Frustr8 7,886]

Oh, I just remembered something I was told. I am having my Surgery at my,states Land Grant university. I was told if one of their students requires this or similar surgery, even if they are already covered under parents insurance they pro-rate the surgery as a courtesy gift to the student and family. Now it might be just an urban legend but check with insurance brokers, your state , if the have any money left over from Rod B. and company maybe there# s an untapped s5are program you could squeeze into. See I do want you to have yours and your daughter too. sO would never wish obesity and it's sorrows on a young 👧, this casts a shadow over her college years and future. I never was duplicious. but maybe one of you would need a Hiatal Hernia repair, that would be cheaper, they could bill for that instead and save money.There has to be another answer we haven't explored.We used to have insurance workers on Bariatric Pal, maybe one of them has some clues on how to make insurance work for you instead of against you. If insurance is a racket, surely we have a racket-buster in the house
G9nna still puzzle on this.

[Bryn910 519]

I am just going to be blunt here, but you come first in this scenario; Insurance aside.

If I were you, I would get it down before my kid because well, I am 55 and want to live another 50 years FOR my kids. Your daughter will have opportunities; whether the surgery is next year, after she graduates or when she finds a job that covers or she pays for it herself.

if I were your daughter, I would want my mother to have the surgery first because well...you’re my mom & I want to see you happy and healthy.

Its ok the be selfish. Your kids are grown and it’s your time for yourself. Eventually your daughter will have the surgery if she still wants it. I doubt she’ll be waiting years upon years to get it. You seem like a loving & great mom. Continue with your journey and discuss your concerns with your daughter and you both can come up with a plan together.

much luck on your journey

[Last Resort 7]

Thank you Bryn910... that means a lot.