I’m finding that this process is stirring up old or latent issues surrounding family dynamics and relationships, as well as the obvious age old pains and scars resulting from dealing with a lifetime of this.

Did others find this as well?

Yes. As I lose weight, I think about where I was the last time I was at this weight, and what I might have done differently between then and now. Right now I’m the lightest I’ve been in over 20 years, so that’s a lot to process.

Yeah as I move along toward my surgery time( and yeah it's going to happen if I have anything to say about it) old resentments are popping up. Last week I received notice from surgeon's office that they no longer wished to perform my surgery. Mentally I harken back to the family members who told me I deserved nothing good because I was flawed and unworthy. Its hard to go forward when somebody who supposedly loves you had said such a thing. I even had a cousin who said I didn't deserve to live. I'm mildly on the autism spectrum, a very literal person, I actually stayed away from that person for fear he would kill me, & gain some praise for ridding the world of an obnoxious bug like me. Yeah I know better now but I was probably 8 or 9 years old then. I have sympathy for others with ADHD and other mental difficulties, you see I'm really something denied during my childhood, a female Aspie. When I grew up only boys were allowed to be autistic, I remember overhearing a so-called professional tell my parents" Its a shame about your daughter, if she was male I'd say ADHD or autism but of course only boys get that" the 70+ year old me can rise up and say "what am I, chopped liver?" but the baby me went and sat in the corner, rocking back and forth to self- soothe. As I grew older I learned better and more respected ways to pass off anxiety, I rocked in chairs,walked a lot and tried to not show the world, a world I totally did not understand , how hurt i was. And I ate, at first until I got sick, but as my stomach stretched I could eat more, did it truly satisfy me?. Nope but I thought I could control it, years later I realize it just controlled me.

Now the stress of preparing is bringing it all to a head, I'm apprehensive to tell a psych this for fear I'll be rated as unstable, truly I feel the waiting is giving me unworthiness flashbacks, I want to move forward, felt everything was falling in place;, I had done the right things at the right time, -for the right reasons in the right place,- I was nearly at the goal to have it obscured by a group I had put my faith in. I will rise above this, I know I can but I weary from the struggle. I go early in March to petition another bariatric program to accept me and perform the surgery my body and emotions need. Will I be deemed worthy or was my paternal cousin right? Am I flawed, undeserving and unworthy? Only time and the will of a new surgeon will give me an answer. In the meantime I live in a painful body, every joint is sore from carrying this excess weight but I cannot and will not give up and die as this body wears out more. This can be the dawn of a new and better day. Please Baribrothers and sisters support me in this!

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It definitely can stir things up while losing you also have crazy hormones which won't help things. I've found taking a DEEP breath before doing or saying anything I might regret is important. Normally I'm steady as a rock, but losing so quickly has made me moody and short tempered. Luckily I have an amazing and understanding wife

It definitely stirs up issues. You can’t self soothe with food and repress everything. I think there is also an inevitable period of soul searching. How did I end up here? What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I stop eating? I had to process this sense of failure that my life had led to the point where I was getting part of my stomach removed. That’s heavy stuff.

There’s no easy answer and I think we all go through this to some extent.

Edited February 27, 20188 yr by LaLaDee

It’s stirring up a lot of issues for me - especially with/about my parents.

My weight battle is almost 30 years old. I grew up in a house where my Mum and 2 older sisters were constantly dieting. When I first gained weight it was between the age of 12 & 14, everything I ate came out of the family home - I took no money to school, so wasn’t snacking on rubbish while I was there - it was just my diet consisted of big portions of processed food....and so he battle began.

The logical part of my brain says that the adult me could have taken control and made some positive changes, but there’s still part of me mad that this all started under my parent’s watch.

Thank you for sharing that. In my case, we had to clear our plates and my family thought it was cute that I was pudgy. My nickname translates into “fat ass”. I was 5. Then when I got a little older (ie middle school/high school) they thought it was no longer cute and had me wear girdles and wrapped my middle in Saran Wrap to sweat off the fat.

Nah, nonissues to work through there...!

I find that for me intense exercise helps level my mood and get out any pent up aggression I have. This is a roller coaster ride of hormones for sure, I feel like a moody teen if I don't exercise. I think as you undergo such a major change its only natural to look at all other aspects of your life in a new light and it leads to a lot of thinking about how you got where you are, if you want to be there and what other things you can improve.

For me I also feel like the weight loss is a train that you cannot get off of. Happy, sad or whatever there's no opting out so there's a total loss of control with food and weight (which is kind of the point), but it's still hard to accept when that was a major coping strategy in the past!