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Husband threatens divorce if I have surgery

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Wow. I'm so sorry you have to deal with his issues on top of your own. The truth is, if he doesn't support this he isn't supporting you. Have you spoken to him about WHY he doesn't want you to have it? If it we're me, I'd have the surgery. You need support and compassion from your spouse and for whatever reason he can't give you that. You deserve it. You deserve to be healthy and happy. Anyone that doesn't want that for you, or threatens divorce because you want to be healthy is severely misguided. You need to make this choice for you and only you. And don't ever tolerate anyone calling you fatass. Being your husband does not give him the right. Best wishes.

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On 1/31/2018 at 5:00 PM, elforman said:

I'm a husband and yikes, this is not a good situation. I don't think I saw anywhere how long you've been married, so that may play a factor in it. But certainly, it's all about control.

I got married the first time when I was 23 and over the first couple of years I didn't realize just how co-dependent my wife had become. She'd gone from living with her mother to living with me. When she was with her mother, her mother made all the decisions, so when she was with me she deferred to me a lot. At first I was flattered, thinking she trusted me that much as to let me make all of the important decisions. I'll admit it made me feel powerful knowing that almost whatever I said was how things would be.

It took a lot of self-introspection to realize how unhealthy that was and we ended up divorcing over other issues soon afterward. But my point is that I could see how such power can go to a husband's head. It was to the point where my ex would not make any decisions, even about things like her own hair and clothes without checking with me first, and quite frankly it was intoxicating and can certainly be addicting.

On the bright side, once I was ready to start dating again I made a list of qualities I wanted in a woman and qualities I wanted to avoid. The most important qualities were independence and the ability to handle everything on her own if necessary instead of relying on me for anything. The first woman I met matched my list almost perfectly, with the one difference being our outlooks on religion, and we've been married almost 23 years now with two great kids. I told her up front about the whole controlling/co-dependency issues I had in the past and she promised she'd never let that become an issue with us.

So please don't get the idea I'm trying to excuse any of your husband's behavior, I'm just giving one possible reason for it. I hope things work out for you.

Absolutely agree. You cant change him or anyone for that matter, you can only change yourself. You have to put yourself and love yourself first in order to be a whole person and love your spouse. Our spouses are not there to fill in the gaps or "make us complete" we have to complete ourselves first and empower ourselves in order for others to treat us the way we treat ourselves.

People bring baggage to every relationship daddy, mommy, weight, kids issues.

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My wife was fully supportive of me having wls, but this is my mindset on the issue...

Life is short. Time is the most valuable asset known to man...or woman. You are not promised anything tomorrow. All you can do is to do the best you can every day. When I die, I would hope that I was able to live my best life...That I made lasting memories with others...That I made a difference in the lives of others. It is a real drop the mic situation.

Marriage is not guaranteed to last either. We try to suppress the things that make us happy sometimes to keep our marriages strong as it is all about compromise. I will not compromise my health for a marriage or relationship though. Let me tell a story about my wife's best friend...

She was obese, pre-diabetic, in pain, and unhappy for years. Her husband loved her at over 250 pounds, and refused to support her having surgery. She stayed in the marriage for another 9 years. The marriage then ended up dissolving after an affair was discovered. She was destroyed. After the divorce, she had Gastric band surgery, and lost the weight.

She is now happy and healthy in a committed relationship with a great, supportive guy. Her takeaway is that she gave up a chance at happiness and good health in her twenties for a guy that ended up not being there in her thirties. If she could change one thing, she would have had the surgery 9 or 10 years earlier.

Do you. Don't let a husband keep you from being your best you. He isn't in pain. He isn't going through what you are going through. You can't worry about threats. Live your life. If he leaves, you will find another. Someone who believes in you. Someone who truly has your back.

I wish you the best of luck.

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My point of view as a man and a husband. He is insecure. He fears that if you lose the weight you will become more marketable to other men. Thats on him. DONT! jeopardize your life and health for a person thats only thinking of himself. I go in for my bypass April 5th of this year, after years of YoYo diets. Starvation diets. 10's of thousands of dollars on supplements. High BP, cholesterol, diabetes, reflux,and sever abstructive sleep apnea. My wife fully supports my decision. She also knows just how attractive I am capable of being at a healthy weight and never once has she allowed paranoia get in the way of her support for me. You need to do this for yourself, for all those reasons listed above, chances are he's bluffing anyways and relying on you caving in. I'll never understand these sorts of reactions from men. So selfish.

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It is not worth risking your life to save your marriage. If he is saying this, he does not care about your health. He cares about control. And I am so sorry. I know how painful that is. I encourage you to see a counselor on your own to talk about this for your own sake. A therapist helped me come to the realization that my life would be better as a single person and that I was staying in my abusive marriage out of fear. Divorce was the best decision of my life. I'm sure my ex would not have supported me in this either.

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I am going through a similar situation. My husband tells me that having surgery is the easy way out and that he's afraid I'll fail and then get even more depressed about my weight. He is as also morbidly obese and I suspect that he's afraid I might not want him if I "get skinny". I'm guessing your hubby might feel the same way. I've already scheduled my surgery for April 18th and although I respect my husband's opinion, nobody will stand in the way of my choice. It is your health and your body. Best wishes to you on your journey!

Sent from my SM-G955U using BariatricPal mobile app

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The guy I was dating had the same opinion. He told me multiple times that he was against the surgery because everyone who had it "got skinny, cheated on their spouse, and then left". My response was to ask how many people he knew that had gone through the surgery and had "got skinny, cheated, and left" and he told me 2. I responded with I knew of at least a dozen people personally who had either the sleeve or bypass and hadn't cheated and left. That the surgery was to be a more healthy person and this was all about me nothing to do with him. I also reminded him that if people cheat and leave that has to do with their happiness in the relationship which both parties are responsible for not just whoever is having surgery. I told him maybe he had better look in a mirror and figure out why he was so unhappy with himself and why he would be so certain that if I got healthier Id leave. I was told that I was crazy so I saved him the trouble of watching me get skinny before I left, and I left him. Haven't heard a word since. This is nothing to do with our spouses or partners this a huge step to get healthier and live a happier life. If those around us cant be our cheerleaders and support the good choices that we are making then its really time to figure out what their misconception is and can we help them see what is actually going on. If so yay and if not cut bait and run towards that better life for yourself. Its going to hurt at first but you will be so much happier and healthier in the end.

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@ Copper 5, if you are still active,could we have any update on your situation? And are there currently,others whose spouse is fighti,g your surgery?

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Wow the nerve. All I can do is shake my head, self LOVE is better then any LOVE you can get from another human being. Think about that. Sorry to hear about your husband but, doing what's best for me. (YOU)

Edited by SummerEssence

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