Spouse struggles, Supportive or not?

[mxpxchik11 48]

HI everyone! I am looking for some advice about getting support from my husband. I am almost 6 months post op and down 82 pounds. This has been an amazing journey so far and I don't regret it for a second. I am starting to struggle and looking for advice on what others have done. My husband is very supportive of me getting the surgery and will help me make my food but when it comes to his eating we have a big problem. I have asked him more times then I can count not to bring the bad food in the house and to make a change for his health and he just doesn't see a problem. I understand that we started our relationship having this type of culture but I am just not there anymore. I want to be healthy and I want my son to be healthy and unfortunately he is feeding our son the same garbage he eats. I understand I can't make him change but I want to be successful, I am motivated. I just wish my house wasn't filled with all of the junk food/ fast food because it gets a little harder each day. Has anyone else had similar struggles? What should I do?

[bluepixie2038 18]

With only love and camaraderie in my heart for you, I would say that you are correct to be alarmed and that your spouse is NOT supporting you. Think if your problem had been smoking rather than being overweight. If your doctor had diagnosed you with a smoking disease and your spouse continued to smoke in front of you, in your house, and in front of your child, it would be clear that he does not have your best interests at heart. This is no different.

You've done all of the hard work of getting your life back! This is no small feat. It seems that as part of this change you have also considered the benefirs2to your child. Many of us were not overweight or obese children. But some of us were. Those that were know how they became that way through the choices their parents made for them and how they taught them to view food. In other words, these children have lost part of their longevity and their health at such a young age!! Please don't let this happen to your child.

I suggest you get some couples and family counseling so that you have the professional help you need as an individual ans for your family. Hopefully your spouse will see how serious this matter is. In the meantime, reqch out to your support groups to keep you going. You are a kick ass lady, and a kick ass mom. God bless.

Sent from my SM-G935T using BariatricPal mobile app

[Apple1 2,572]

I would suggest counseling if you can't resolve this on your own. He needs to get on the same page with you or at the very least you two need to reach a compromise that you are both willing to live with.

I pray he will begin to see how he needs to get on board and support your desire to eat healthy and to teach your son healthy eating habits.

[Introversion 1,876]

Firstly, I empathize with your situation. Hang in there.

Does your husband want to raise your son to become a young adult who needs bariatric surgery? With a steady diet of processed food and fast food, the slope is slippery.

You've told your husband to not bring the junk food into the house and he isn't listening to your concerns. This is a communication problem that's beyond the scope of internet advice.

As a previous respondent suggested, I agree with couples counseling.

Good luck to you.

[dreamingsmall 1,125]

What he eats is upto him. The house is both of yours . its your responsibility t choose to avoid eating it. Though I understand your worried for his health. Regarding your son. I'm confused why he isn't onboard with feeding him healthier. I would ask him why. Pick your battles wisely or you will never get heard. Hugs

[mxpxchik11 48]

What he eats is upto him. The house is both of yours . its your responsibility t choose to avoid eating it. Though I understand your worried for his health. Regarding your son. I'm confused why he isn't onboard with feeding him healthier. I would ask him why. Pick your battles wisely or you will never get heard. Hugs

I completely understand what you are saying on one hand. When I didn't want to eat healthy I hated people telling me what to do. On the other hand, would you keep bottles of alcohol around an alcoholic? It's a thin line. I'm just wondering how other people handle it. I'm in therapy working on my relationship with food and I am just afraid that my son is developing the same habits he has. I want him to be healthy too but I know it's up to him. He eats candy and all that crap and it doesn't even effect me. I just wish he would avoid a few of my triggers or favorites. It's just hard.

[dreamingsmall 1,125]

1 minute ago, mxpxchik11 said:

I completely understand what you are saying on one hand. When I didn't want to eat healthy I hated people telling me what to do. On the other hand, would you keep bottles of alcohol around an alcoholic? It's a thin line. I'm just wondering how other people handle it. I'm in therapy working on my relationship with food and I am just afraid that my son is developing the same habits he has. I want him to be healthy too but I know it's up to him. He eats candy and all that crap and it doesn't even effect me. I just wish he would avoid a few of my triggers or favorites. It's just hard.

How old is your son ? For me there is a difference between those named comparisons. But I won't go into that as I understand were you are coming from. Your right food is an addiction. But if I was him yes I would want to be supportive but I'd think " you met me eating this crap. You were eating this crap now you changed you think you can now force me to change? No thanks if I want to come onboard with your healthy diet... I will. When I am ready. I'm not in your head space yet. And you did it when you were ready so why try and force me?" I'm not judging you I try to get every one on board with the diet I'm on over the years lol because I start to think this is the only way. But then I realise other people can have junk and b healthy too.

If your son is of the age that he chooses to eat that food. You can do your part. Educating him about food. Portion Control. Balanced diet. Making super yummy healthy food. Your right to be concerned. I don't want my kids to go down this route. So I keep them active. They have a healthy relationship with food. Very lean . they still eat junk at parties etc but they chose to have a couple of bites of cake and then put it down and move on. If I say they couldn't have it theyd stuff the whole thing in lol. As your husband sees your changes he will probably connect the dots himself and lose some intrest in junk food.

I just want to say. Im no expert and I'd never really advise or whatever on someone's marriage. You know him and yourself. Your feelings are valid and you clearly care about your family. Keep showing that love and he may come around. I know some people want instant changes and do "how about you swap those chips for some romantic time " lol works for some. Good luck

( And yes I'd still drink in the house but just hide it . I wouldn't quit drinking for ever just because my partner can't drink)

[Apple1 2,572]

3 minutes ago, dreamingsmall said:

And yes I'd still drink in the house but just hide it . I wouldn't quit drinking for ever just because my partner can't drink)

Really??? I just can't imagine doing that if I really loved my partner. Maybe it is just me but marriage is for better or worse so you have to be willing to give some things up and sacrifice if it is in the best interest of the one you love.

[dreamingsmall 1,125]

6 minutes ago, Apple1 said:

Really??? I just can't imagine doing that if I really loved my partner. Maybe it is just me but marriage is for better or worse so you have to be willing to give some things up and sacrifice if it ius in the best interest of the one you love.

There's no need to question me. This post isn't about me. And sure. It's just you what I said means I don't think marriage is for better or for worse lol. Okay cool. I'm totally not willing to ever give any thing up. Be cause that clearly is exactly what I'm saying lol thank you for the lesson. I'm leaving this post now so you can discuss that without me.( Please note the sarcasm.. You don't need to educate me on giving things up in a relationship. Because I have. It doesn't always work. You do you. I'll do me.

Edited September 12, 2017 by dreamingsmall

[dreamingsmall 1,125]

Goodluck MX . You know what you expect from your marriage. No two peoples expectations are the same. So you deserve to find a balance for you both so you can both be happy. Its 4am here so if my message didnt make sense I will blame typing in the dark. All the best on your journey. ( with the drinking I meant id do it in secret so they didn't know. But I would still support them and not drink around them were all different maybe he could not eat them around u.

[Apple1 2,572]

7 hours ago, dreamingsmall said:

There's no need to question me. This post isn't about me. And sure. It's just you what I said means I don't think marriage is for better or for worse lol. Okay cool. I'm totally not willing to ever give any thing up. Be cause that clearly is exactly what I'm saying lol thank you for the lesson. I'm leaving this post now so you can discuss that without me.( Please note the sarcasm.. You don't need to educate me on giving things up in a relationship. Because I have. It doesn't always work. You do you. I'll do me.

It is clear to me from your post that we have very different opinions on what being supportive to your partner means and that is ok. Everyone is entitled to run their marriage the way they want. The OP asked for advice on getting support from her spouse, and I thought telling someone you would drink in the home of an alcoholic behind their back, was not a good example of how to do this. I probably shouldn't have responded, but sometimes you just can't help it. I'm sorry my post bothered you.

[AZLoser 103]

You need to not make it an issue and resolve to not let it bother you. I know it's hard. But you also know what you should eat. Expecting someone else to make huge changes to accommodate us isn't realistic. My 80 yr old mother lives with me. She says she's supportive and is - as long as it requires no change on her part. My freezer looks like a Baskin Robbins. She stocks up on candy every week. There's a stash of Cookies in her room too. She's overweight and tells me how 'skinny' I'm getting. Ridiculous since I'm 5'4 and close to 200 lbs. I realized I can only change me and my attitude. Some days it's easier than others. Asking her to change and be supportive just led to disappointment. And yes, it's my house.