Hello Everyone.

A bit of back story:

My coworker/friend had his surgery on February 1st this year. Was out of work for the month of February and came back to work the first week of March.

We are a group of 4 friends at work (we are all close and not just coworkers) and the 3 of us support him greatly with his new lifestyle change but we are concerned with his eating habits and falling back into old ways. We've spoken to him about how he feels/thinks throughout his whole process and at first he was so excited because the weight was dropping off so fast, he was strict with his liquid and pureed diet but once he got cleared from his doctor to "eat anything he wants" in moderation, we saw him go way overboard with that and he's been getting sick at work because of it.

Anyway, we try not to push him and live his life for him and try to not tell him what to do but after noticing his eating habits now, we are concerned. I had a few heart-to-hearts with him and he told me that he feels it's so difficult and he wonders why he did this and if he made the right decision and then says he knows it's what's best for him and he needs to take care of himself but that it's really hard and doesn't feel like any of us TRULY understand what he's dealing with food wise.

So I told him I would help him with meal planning so it would be easier for him if he has everything laid out and he gave me the little packet of diet recommendations that his nutritionist gave him and I've been researching this all morning. I told him that I don't want to boss him around but that I was going to be serious about this and strict with this because his health is important and he agreed it's what's best and said he really needs it and appreciates it. So he's open to me supporting him this way and I don't want to mess it up.

Just to give you guys an idea of what he's eating now, he started ordering out again from fast food places and making excuses like "I ordered a bacon egg and cheese from mcdonalds and only ate the egg and cheese and some of the bread", orders full roast beef sandwiches from the deli that has the roast beef, lettuce, oil and vinegar, salt and pepper and onions and eats a few bites with a can of brisk iced tea. drinks a lot of iced teas that has a lot of sugars and Arizona teas. Eats chicken quesadillas with no restrictions. Eats tons of cashews at night, etc. Just regular ordering out with no kind of filtration.

After seeing his food choices for Breakfast and lunch at work and doing all my research now, I'm really worried about him going back into all his old habits and messing up the progress he's made so far!

He still meets with his nutritionist and tells us a bit about what she wants him to do but we see that he hasn't been keeping up with it.

Today I started putting together a daily meal plan set by the hour to break down what he can/should eat/drink throughout the day and I gave him a couple sheets to look at to see if that's something that he likes and thinks he can keep up with. He was really happy about it but I could see that he viewed it as a lot of work that he didn't want to do because he started talking about how hard it is and that he's gonna try to do it.

So finally my questions to you all are:

How are your friends/family supporting you?

What kind of support do you like/don't like from them?

Can you share how you keep up with your diet requirements throughout the day? Do you have a daily breakdown by hour or plan your meals weekly/monthly?

Are there any apps that you use daily that helps you with this new lifestyle?

Any quotes, ideas that you think on throughout the day to help stay positive about this decision?

Are there any favorite online resources that have helped you or that I can look into so I can help support my friend?

I'm really trying to gain a well rounded understanding of what he's going through so any suggestions or stories shared is greatly appreciated. I am reading through this forum as well.

Thank you all!

27 minutes ago, helpingfriend said:

So finally my questions to you all are:

How are your friends/family supporting you?

What kind of support do you like/don't like from them?

Can you share how you keep up with your diet requirements throughout the day? Do you have a daily breakdown by hour or plan your meals weekly/monthly?

Are there any apps that you use daily that helps you with this new lifestyle?

Any quotes, ideas that you think on throughout the day to help stay positive about this decision?

Are there any favorite online resources that have helped you or that I can look into so I can help support my friend?

I first want to start out by saying how loving and kind this is for you do to. I also want to say that it doesn't matter how much others want this for him, this is a journey that, in the end, he must travel himself. It sounds to me like he needs more than nutritional help, he might need therapy as well to help him deal with his new reality.

To your questions!

My family and friends have been amazing support and have done so by encouraging me when I'm down, cheering me on my successes and being understanding of my emotional ups and downs. Also they have been great about allowing me to change my life and habits and the time I spend with them. I have had to change everything in my life and some of this changes are not easy for people who want me around more than I will be now because I'm out exercising and getting fit and living a new life.

I love the support they give me and when I need something else or when I feel something needs to be different I tell them. Open communication and honesty is how I operate.

(I am a very routine person, I eat the same things day in and day out - always have - so this one day snapshot is pretty on point for my daily routine.)

Breakfast (7:30 AM):

Whole wheat English muffin (Sometimes for fun I'll get cinnamon raisin or blueberry for a sweet and savory breakfast. It's my highest carbs of the day.)

1 slice american cheese

4 slices hormel precooked bacon zapped for 20 secs in microwave

Assemble (fold cheese corners in so they don't stick out. That's my Special Trick. hahahaha!), enjoy.

WATER: 30 minutes after finishing my breakfast I begin my water consumption. I aim for 16-24 oz consumed before lunch.

Lunch (12:00):

4oz Homemade low carb Chicken Teriyaki OR low carb Chili

WATER: 30 minutes after finishing my lunch resume my water consumption. I aim for 16oz consumed before mid-day meal.

Mid-day meal (3:00):

4oz Homemade low carb Chicken Teriyaki OR low carb Chili

WATER: 30 minutes after finishing my meal I get back to my water consumption. I aim for 16 oz consumed before Dinner.

Dinner (6:00):

4oz homemade Butter Chicken or Lemon Chicken

WATER: 30 minutes after finishing I get back to my water. At this point I've made my goal for the day and I'm just now drinking cause I'm thirsty. lol!

Snack/Vitamins (evening):

I eat my vitamins (Vitagene vitamins are DA BOMB and I can't recommend their service enough) and sometimes have a tablespoon of Peanut Butter while watching the old boobtube.

Exercise: I didn't see you asking about this but I find it to be the most important part. Your friend should be walking. A lot. I am at 6 months and I now walk 5-7 miles a day. I started out with 3 walks during my work day. Each 15 minutes long. 10:00, lunch, 2:00. I set my phone to 7 minutes. Walk one direction, flip back when it goes off. I think your friend needs to add exercise into his eating routine. That helped me a lot. I rarely eat mid-day without then walking afterwards.

Now I do crunches and push-ups when I wake up, get to work 20 minutes early and put in a quick walk, do my 3 walks during the day and then walk when I get home till the sun goes down. We only get this 1st year once, I want to do whatever I can to maximize my time.

Good luck to your friend, I think what you are doing sounds amazing but I worry that you might be more invested in his health and future than he is...I hope your support and encouragement can help him get back on track!

It sounds he's really suffering from food addiction. It's as real as drugs or alcohol. That's a shame that he's reverting to old habits so quickly. He's definitely on the road to regaining all his weight back if he stays that course. Did he go through any sort of required program prior to surgery? My clinic has monthly support group meetings and their own private Facebook page for support. This place is a great resource as well. He's not the only that struggles. You'll find a lot of stories of people falling back into old habits but looking to get back on track. You may want to nudge him this way at some point.

There are some good apps out there to do food tracking. I use Myfitnesspal and there are some others specific for bariatric patients (can't recall the name but somebody will post it).

It's hard to come up with a magic solution to his problem. The biggest thing I can think of is that the surgery is just a tool. You have to want to commit to the lifestyle change. It's no different than giving up alcohol or smoking. If you aren't mentally prepared for it then you're likely going to fail. The comments of "it's too much work" says a lot. Meal planning really isn't that difficult. That's just an excuse to go with quick & ready to eat foods (which most of the time means junk food).

Good for you on reaching out to this group for info. Not a lot of friends would do that for somebody. Best of luck!

So finally my questions to you all are:
How are your friends/family supporting you?
What kind of support do you like/don't like from them?
Can you share how you keep up with your diet requirements throughout the day? Do you have a daily breakdown by hour or plan your meals weekly/monthly?
Are there any apps that you use daily that helps you with this new lifestyle?
Any quotes, ideas that you think on throughout the day to help stay positive about this decision?
Are there any favorite online resources that have helped you or that I can look into so I can help support my friend?

They listen to me b***h on the occasion that I feel like bitching.

I don't like that they feel like they have to censor what their eating all the time around me. Life is about balance.

I think about macros and not calories.

MyFitnessPal

I know you mean well but I think you should really back off. This was his choice and you're enabling him. There is nothing worse than feeling like your friends and family are judging everything you're eating and you in the process.

It's not like we get surgery and magically we love kale and running. I don't mean to be cheeky but at the same time if any of my friends were as involved with my life as you are with his we'd be having a long conversation about boundaries.

25 minutes ago, Coah said:

I know you mean well but I think you should really back off. This was his choice and you're enabling him. There is nothing worse than feeling like your friends and family are judging everything you're eating and you in the process.

It's not like we get surgery and magically we love kale and running. I don't mean to be cheeky but at the same time if any of my friends were as involved with my life as you are with his we'd be having a long conversation about boundaries.

To be clear, he is the one who invited us in months before the operation and throughout the whole process. It's why we havent been micromanaging and not saying anything about it until now when he mentioned it to us about how he was feeling down about it all and the struggles hes been having.

And even now we arent constantly over him saying "eat this, dont eat that." But he came to us for support so now im trying to understand the best way to go about it.

Thanks for your reply.

To be clear, he is the one who invited us in months before the operation and throughout the whole process. It's why we havent been micromanaging and not saying anything about it until now when he mentioned it to us about how he was feeling down about it all and the struggles hes been having.

And even now we arent constantly over him saying "eat this, dont eat that." But he came to us for support so now im trying to understand the best way to go about it.

Thanks for your reply.

There is a difference between support and enabling.

Does he live alone? Is there a significant other? What specifically is he struggling with? Has he gone to therapy? Is he seeing a therapist now?

You may not think that you're constantly over him but what is his perception? Have you asked him what he wants from you?

What troubles me the most is he should be the one on the board looking for advice and help. That would indicate true insight into his personal feeling of need for help.

45 minutes ago, LittleLizzieLilliput said:

I first want to start out by saying how loving and kind this is for you do to. I also want to say that it doesn't matter how much others want this for him, this is a journey that, in the end, he must travel himself. It sounds to me like he needs more than nutritional help, he might need therapy as well to help him deal with his new reality.

Yes, definitely. I know we can't live this for him and ultimately all of his decisions are up to him. I'm hoping that we can just be a positive force for him to help achieve his goals. So far he's told us that he's been in close contact with his nutritionist and goes to a monthly group meeting and wants to find a second group so he can go twice a month because he likes being around the people who are going through the same process as him which I completely understand.

He tried working out a week or two ago but overdid it and his doctor told him to take it easy and stick with walking right now so he invites us along on his walks.

Quote

Good luck to your friend, I think what you are doing sounds amazing but I worry that you might be more invested in his health and future than he is...I hope your support and encouragement can help him get back on track!

I know my post really comes off that way but the only time we really get into the topic with him about it is when he brings it up with us. We don't go out of our way to talk about his food habits or exercise or whatever else because ultimately, we don't know everything he does throughout the day and he needs to live his life but we just want to be properly equipped to be there for him.

I have read your whole post and really appreciate your response. Thank you for your reply!

58 minutes ago, orionburn said:

It sounds he's really suffering from food addiction. It's as real as drugs or alcohol. That's a shame that he's reverting to old habits so quickly. He's definitely on the road to regaining all his weight back if he stays that course. Did he go through any sort of required program prior to surgery? My clinic has monthly support group meetings and their own private Facebook page for support. This place is a great resource as well. He's not the only that struggles. You'll find a lot of stories of people falling back into old habits but looking to get back on track. You may want to nudge him this way at some point.

There are some good apps out there to do food tracking. I use Myfitnesspal and there are some others specific for bariatric patients (can't recall the name but somebody will post it).

It's hard to come up with a magic solution to his problem. The biggest thing I can think of is that the surgery is just a tool. You have to want to commit to the lifestyle change. It's no different than giving up alcohol or smoking. If you aren't mentally prepared for it then you're likely going to fail. The comments of "it's too much work" says a lot. Meal planning really isn't that difficult. That's just an excuse to go with quick & ready to eat foods (which most of the time means junk food).

Good for you on reaching out to this group for info. Not a lot of friends would do that for somebody. Best of luck!

Thank you. He does do the monthly support groups and said he really likes it and wishes he can do it twice a month and said he was going to look into other ones.

Yea, there isn't going to be a magic solution to this. It's day by day and he has to want it. So far we have just been trying to keep him in good spirit about it and focusing on celebrating his achievements that he shares with us and not dwelling on when he's feeling down.

Ultimately he needs to change his mindset but we are just trying to be positive and more uplifting for him and I just want to make sure we don't support him in a negative way by doing or saying the wrong things when he brings this up.

Thanks for your reply!

So thinking more about this I think one of the best things you can do is find a local support group for him that's close to work. Also, there are groups that get together and make a whole week worth of meals. It's becoming kind of popular. One of the things you guys could do is maybe either find a group or create one. That way everyone is making their own week's worth of meals, him included, and it's a fun social event rather than an arduous boring task.

I love that you said you guys go walking together. Walking, moving, it's one of the BEST motivators. For me it wasn't the scale, it wasn't the smaller clothes, it was MOVING. It was putting on my shoes without any effort or problem, it was my increased mobility that has been, by a wide margin, the most motivating factor in the whole process for me. The more I can move the more I WANT to move.

So getting into a Bariatric support group close to his work.

Find a Food Prep group he can participate in to help in learn how to do it - because some people have no idea and that's totally ok - they just need some help. Many obese people don't know how to cook, they just eat out. It's not totally uncommon.

Walk walk walk walk walk walk walk walk and more walking.

Edited April 5, 20179 yr by LittleLizzieLilliput

2 hours ago, helpingfriend said:

So finally my questions to you all are:

How are your friends/family supporting you?

What kind of support do you like/don't like from them?

Can you share how you keep up with your diet requirements throughout the day? Do you have a daily breakdown by hour or plan your meals weekly/monthly?

Are there any apps that you use daily that helps you with this new lifestyle?

Any quotes, ideas that you think on throughout the day to help stay positive about this decision?

Are there any favorite online resources that have helped you or that I can look into so I can help support my friend?

Sounds like he has a great and committed group of friends who really want the best for him, but unless he does the mental shift needed to continue losing weight, sadly he won't succeed.

I think the best help for him right now would be to start seeing a therapist regularly. He is sabotaging his own success by making food choices that are clearly not in line with that his nutritionist is surely telling him.

The meal plan might help. It sounds like he did well immediately post-op when the "rules" were strict and lost it once he had some leeway, so a new set of guidelines might be good tool for him.

I had surgery mid-March, so I'm just a couple weeks behind your friend recovery wise.

As far as support... I think the best thing people can do is celebrate my victories, cheer me on, and keep any thoughts of doubt about this "whole crazy idea" to themselves. So far, I've had nothing but good experiences from friends and family. I'm not relying on anyone though. This is something I have to do for myself. No one can do it for me.

To keep my diet on track... I do plan what and when I'll eat through the day. It's those moment when you are hungry and rushed and have no dinner plan when you are more likely to grab the fast food. Stock the fridge with healthy and on-plan choices that you enjoy. I think that is key.

I track every bite on myfitnesspal. It's bit tedious at first, but it gets easier because it saves your favourite and you don't have to search for things so much. If your friend isn't doing this, he absolutely should. I have learned so much doing this. It also helps with keeping protein, fat, carb targets as well.

I guess the main thing I keep at the forefront of my mind is that this is a tool and only a tool. If I don't use the tool, nothing will happen.

Wishing the best for your friend! Hopefully you can encourage him to get back on track, but if he doesn't don't wear it yourself, he is dealing with an addiction and only he can free himself from it.

2 hours ago, helpingfriend said:

Hello Everyone.

A bit of back story:

My coworker/friend had his surgery on February 1st this year. Was out of work for the month of February and came back to work the first week of March.

We are a group of 4 friends at work (we are all close and not just coworkers) and the 3 of us support him greatly with his new lifestyle change but we are concerned with his eating habits and falling back into old ways. We've spoken to him about how he feels/thinks throughout his whole process and at first he was so excited because the weight was dropping off so fast, he was strict with his liquid and pureed diet but once he got cleared from his doctor to "eat anything he wants" in moderation, we saw him go way overboard with that and he's been getting sick at work because of it.

Anyway, we try not to push him and live his life for him and try to not tell him what to do but after noticing his eating habits now, we are concerned. I had a few heart-to-hearts with him and he told me that he feels it's so difficult and he wonders why he did this and if he made the right decision and then says he knows it's what's best for him and he needs to take care of himself but that it's really hard and doesn't feel like any of us TRULY understand what he's dealing with food wise.

So I told him I would help him with meal planning so it would be easier for him if he has everything laid out and he gave me the little packet of diet recommendations that his nutritionist gave him and I've been researching this all morning. I told him that I don't want to boss him around but that I was going to be serious about this and strict with this because his health is important and he agreed it's what's best and said he really needs it and appreciates it. So he's open to me supporting him this way and I don't want to mess it up.

Just to give you guys an idea of what he's eating now, he started ordering out again from fast food places and making excuses like "I ordered a bacon egg and cheese from mcdonalds and only ate the egg and cheese and some of the bread", orders full roast beef sandwiches from the deli that has the roast beef, lettuce, oil and vinegar, salt and pepper and onions and eats a few bites with a can of brisk iced tea. drinks a lot of iced teas that has a lot of sugars and Arizona teas. Eats chicken quesadillas with no restrictions. Eats tons of cashews at night, etc. Just regular ordering out with no kind of filtration.

After seeing his food choices for Breakfast and lunch at work and doing all my research now, I'm really worried about him going back into all his old habits and messing up the progress he's made so far!

He still meets with his nutritionist and tells us a bit about what she wants him to do but we see that he hasn't been keeping up with it.

Today I started putting together a daily meal plan set by the hour to break down what he can/should eat/drink throughout the day and I gave him a couple sheets to look at to see if that's something that he likes and thinks he can keep up with. He was really happy about it but I could see that he viewed it as a lot of work that he didn't want to do because he started talking about how hard it is and that he's gonna try to do it.

So finally my questions to you all are:

How are your friends/family supporting you?

What kind of support do you like/don't like from them?

Can you share how you keep up with your diet requirements throughout the day? Do you have a daily breakdown by hour or plan your meals weekly/monthly?

Are there any apps that you use daily that helps you with this new lifestyle?

Any quotes, ideas that you think on throughout the day to help stay positive about this decision?

Are there any favorite online resources that have helped you or that I can look into so I can help support my friend?

I'm really trying to gain a well rounded understanding of what he's going through so any suggestions or stories shared is greatly appreciated. I am reading through this forum as well.

Thank you all!

First, I just want to commend you for being such a great friend...the amount of love and assistance you're showing this man is heartwarming and shows that family doesn't have to be related to one another

To answer your questions:

My support needs are very different than what your friend seems to need. I specifically have asked my support network to treat me like they always have...leave me be unless I approach you with a need. I'm a very private person about the details of my life, while at the same time very open about the generalities. Most everyone I know locally knows that I had WLS, but I don't talk to them about it ever, really. That leads to the kind of support I DISLIKE, which is someone inviting me out for a meal then saying 'oh, can you eat out?' or something like that. I KNOW they're trying to be supportive, but I'm a grown woman and I'll say "no" if it doesn't work for me!

I plan my meals pretty haphazardly, if at all. I eat roughly the same thing for breakfast every day, lunch is whatever I feel like eating, dinner is whatever I decide to cook that day for my family and then if I haven't reached my macros for the day, I throw in a snack after dinner. The "planning" I do involves keeping my trigger foods (hello, baked goods!) OUT of the house and bringing good options in. By keeping my pantry and fridge 'clean', I have to do less planning on a day-to-day basis, because what's available is all on-plan food for me. I measure and/or weigh what I eat and log it religiously. My husband and son have one cabinet where they keep some chips, cookies and other junk...going into it and eating that stuff would be like stealing to me, so it's not an option.

I use My Fitness Pal to log my food, I wear a Fitbit constantly and my scale is an Aria, so it links to my Fitbit app and automatically records my weight for me. I weigh myself daily, at the same time of day, wearing the same thing. No way to hide, no way to get out of control of my weight without doing it willfully. That level of accountability to myself is vital for me.

As far as staying positive about my decision to have WLS, that's been easy...I've saved my own life. What could be more positive than that?

At 9+ months post-op, my hunger is coming back and I miss the easy days when I had to remind myself to eat...your friend should NOT squander his 'honeymoon' time with his new sleeve. And as I'm sure you know, you can make all the meal plans in the world and he still has to want to follow them for it to work.

Walking is good, even essential...he HAS to move his body. Walking did the trick for me for a few months, then my body started craving more. I now do yoga, kayak, swim, weights and run, as well as walking my dogs, etc.

Your friend needs to walk away from the fast food/carryout lifestyle and get on board with what he should be eating....food is THE most important change we WLS patients have to make. He should be attending a support group with other WLS people and/or seeing a therapist. Few of us got fat simply because of metabolic issues...most of us have some degree of disfunction in our eating habits or in how we use food emotionally. Identifying and working on those habits is essential.

Bottom line: he's got an amazing tool at his disposal, but he can squander it, as you're seeing right now. This is HARD, being a post-op VSG patient. 80% of my stomach is gone, but I'm still dealing with the same self-destructive brain and I won't win this fight unless I win over my brain AND my body. He's got to get his head in the game, simple as that. Good luck to you and him both!

6 hours ago, helpingfriend said:

Hello Everyone.

A bit of back story:

My coworker/friend had his surgery on February 1st this year. Was out of work for the month of February and came back to work the first week of March.

We are a group of 4 friends at work (we are all close and not just coworkers) and the 3 of us support him greatly with his new lifestyle change but we are concerned with his eating habits and falling back into old ways. We've spoken to him about how he feels/thinks throughout his whole process and at first he was so excited because the weight was dropping off so fast, he was strict with his liquid and pureed diet but once he got cleared from his doctor to "eat anything he wants" in moderation, we saw him go way overboard with that and he's been getting sick at work because of it.

Anyway, we try not to push him and live his life for him and try to not tell him what to do but after noticing his eating habits now, we are concerned. I had a few heart-to-hearts with him and he told me that he feels it's so difficult and he wonders why he did this and if he made the right decision and then says he knows it's what's best for him and he needs to take care of himself but that it's really hard and doesn't feel like any of us TRULY understand what he's dealing with food wise.

So I told him I would help him with meal planning so it would be easier for him if he has everything laid out and he gave me the little packet of diet recommendations that his nutritionist gave him and I've been researching this all morning. I told him that I don't want to boss him around but that I was going to be serious about this and strict with this because his health is important and he agreed it's what's best and said he really needs it and appreciates it. So he's open to me supporting him this way and I don't want to mess it up.

Just to give you guys an idea of what he's eating now, he started ordering out again from fast food places and making excuses like "I ordered a bacon egg and cheese from mcdonalds and only ate the egg and cheese and some of the bread", orders full roast beef sandwiches from the deli that has the roast beef, lettuce, oil and vinegar, salt and pepper and onions and eats a few bites with a can of brisk iced tea. drinks a lot of iced teas that has a lot of sugars and Arizona teas. Eats chicken quesadillas with no restrictions. Eats tons of cashews at night, etc. Just regular ordering out with no kind of filtration.

After seeing his food choices for Breakfast and lunch at work and doing all my research now, I'm really worried about him going back into all his old habits and messing up the progress he's made so far!

He still meets with his nutritionist and tells us a bit about what she wants him to do but we see that he hasn't been keeping up with it.

Today I started putting together a daily meal plan set by the hour to break down what he can/should eat/drink throughout the day and I gave him a couple sheets to look at to see if that's something that he likes and thinks he can keep up with. He was really happy about it but I could see that he viewed it as a lot of work that he didn't want to do because he started talking about how hard it is and that he's gonna try to do it.

So finally my questions to you all are:

How are your friends/family supporting you?

What kind of support do you like/don't like from them?

Can you share how you keep up with your diet requirements throughout the day? Do you have a daily breakdown by hour or plan your meals weekly/monthly?

Are there any apps that you use daily that helps you with this new lifestyle?

Any quotes, ideas that you think on throughout the day to help stay positive about this decision?

Are there any favorite online resources that have helped you or that I can look into so I can help support my friend?

I'm really trying to gain a well rounded understanding of what he's going through so any suggestions or stories shared is greatly appreciated. I am reading through this forum as well.

Thank you all!

It is really nice you want to help and save your friend. I wish more people had friends like you but the reality is.

Food addicts are just like drug addicts. They have to save themselves, no one else can do the work for them.

Someone eating like that so soon after surgery is a full blown food addict. There is no helping him. If fear of the ICU and death isn't holding him back, nothing will.

Edited April 6, 20179 yr by OutsideMatchInside

24 minutes ago, OutsideMatchInside said:

Someone eating like that so soon after surgery is a full blown food addict. There is no helping him. If fear of the ICU and death isn't holding him back, nothing will.

So you are saying he's a lost cause and for them to not try? I'm trying to understand your advice to this woman who is looking to help her friend. Giving up on someone and determining them as a lost cause doesn't really seem supportive or Pal like.

7 minutes ago, LittleLizzieLilliput said:

So you are saying he's a lost cause and for them to not try? I'm trying to understand your advice to this woman who is looking to help her friend. Giving up on someone and determining them as a lost cause doesn't really seem supportive or Pal like.

Yep pretty much, I wrote exactly what I meant and I am glad you understood it as I wrote it.

You can't love someone more than they love themselves and you can't fix them. If her friend is eating that bad when they are watching, what do think they are doing when no one is around?

Her friend has to live in their body and they have to make the right choices.

You can take an addict to rehab but you can't make them get clean. Her friend has been to rehab and still is using.

The program that her friend is in, isn't offering the right support, and that everything in moderation idea is fail. The friend is losing right now because they are 2 months out, but by the time they are 6 months they are really going to be pigging out. It is pretty obvious her friend is not only a food addict but also has a high pain tolerance. That is the only way they can eat like that, it has to be painful. and not stop. Someone that dedicated to screwing up, is not going to stop. An intervention might actually make worse because the friend will secret eat.

She can't save her friend, her friend has to do the work.

I say this as a friend that tried to save a friend. I have a friend, well actually not anymore but that is a different topic, that had RNY about 3 year before I had the sleeve. Flash forward I am 1 year post op, and still losing and they have regained, after never even getting close to goal. I went through my entire kitchen, all my cabinets took pictures of everything I eat, provided links to stuff to buy, provided meal plans, recipes, cooked live and let them watch me cook healthy recipes. They never made it one week eating right. Eating right, losing weight isn't their priority. And this person ASKED for my help and still wasn't motivated.

You have to be highly motivated deeply on a personal level to be successful at weight loss, no one else can do it for you.

OP cannot save their friend, they are spinning their wheels. Go volunteer with the Girl Scouts, they actually want the help.

Ultimately it is up to your friend to make the correct food choices that will maintain their health. But since you have been asked to help, then this is my perception. There are two phases to weight loss surgery. These are the weight loss phase and the maintenance phase. These two phases are very different and the strategies that you employ in each phase is different. I have had RNY gastric bypass surgery 4 years ago and this is the approach that I have used. http://www.breadandbutterscience.com/Surgery2.pdf

Hello helpingfriend, I understand where you're coming from- you love your friend and want him to be healthy and succeed. My friends also want me to succeed and they've watched me struggle with obesity and food addiction for as long as we've known each other. I agree with others, though, who wrote that the post-op lifestyle decisions are his to make. I know this is tricky since your friend invited you and your other friends to join his journey at the beginning, but I also think you need to back off at this point. I actually feel uncomfortable reading this string/ topic because I joined this site with the impression that this is a private group of people pre and post op who are living the struggle themselves. I think you being here demonstrates love and genuine concern but also an absence of boundaries. It makes me feel less safe here.

I encourage you to let your friend know how much you care for him but tell him that you'll not be helping him with meal planning unless he specifically asks you to do so. I also encourage you to stop judging him- I assure you that he knows you are doing so even when you don't say anything. He likely beats himself up enough already and doesn't need you eagle eyeing his every bite. And, in closing, I encourage you to explore why rescuing him is so important to you. I don't think this is really about him.