This is a tongue in cheek post. My surgery went well. I'm healing well and am pushing 2 months out. But I'm trying to keep a good attitude about all the pre-surgery and post-surgery complications that make me want to beat my head against the wall. Encouragement, humor, and a bit of commiseration is the name of this game. Bonus points for anyone who can tie their litany of woes to a cursed idol or irate volcano god...

Pre-surgery procedure:

- massive allergies, including almost all vegetables (probably chlorophyll), the entire melon family, some tropic fruits, and walnuts. Yes, I've been to a "real" allergist; yes, I've also tried all the natural medicine options. Yes, I've freaked out numerous dieticians - it's mostly "don't eat things that will send you into anaphylactic shock and kill you; do eat sweet potatoes, winter squash, mushrooms, and cauliflower." Was hard to maintain a good diet before, trying to get it all straightened out after. Fortunately, salad isn't a go-to item for post-ops! Yay!

During the pre-op weight loss phase:

- diagnosed with PTTD - I put off going in for ankle pain for too long and now my tendon's tearing. I'm still in a dorky walking boot 5 months later because it didn't magically heal with 6 weeks of PT and his only other option is THREE or more major surgeries on my ankle. So I'm trying to heal up enough to double down on PT and lose enough weight to make some or all of them unnecessary. Pool work is amazing, but I was only approved for it a short time before surgery and the fates seem to be against me ever returning.

Surgery:

"Hey - do you know we found a random giant artery hanging out in the middle of your abdomen? You should probably get a CT scan to make sure it's not a celiac or splenic aneurysm." This is while I'm still waking up after surgery and am all, "WTF?" Yeah, not stressful at all... Fortunately my honey got the details. Resolved last week when they decided unless my family had a history of weird disorders, I just have giant arteries, LOL.

Post-op phase:

- *just* as I was getting energy back post-op, I ended up with a massive bacterial infection in my ear and the tissue surrounding it in my jaw and neck. I went from no CT scans ever to two in a week. "Don't we already have you scheduled for an abdominal scan Thursday?" "Yeah, you do, but I need another one." Good news - no mastoiditis. Yay! Bad news, two separate courses of antibiotics, plus a shot in the butt, and three weeks later, I'm still struggling with ear congestion and a swollen ear canal. Which is seriously messing up my pool PT because I can't fit an ear plug in that side. Definitely improving as I no longer list to one side and am no longer a danger to myself and others on stairs. Bad ankle + weak or vertigo = no good. "Hey, PT! Guess why I can't go to the pool this week!"

- Did I mention that infection hit *right* after I managed a week of really intense/complicated/expensive "fix your gut bacteria protocol"? D'oh! All that work to take all those pills, and I end up ruining it all with a firestorm of antibiotics. Le sigh...

- For bonus points, I've developed menorrhagia! Hurray! They probably go with the fibroids the CT tech found. I like to pretend all the fat fleeing my body is giving me the estrogen finger as a final hurrah. My hormone doc and I are working to get it under control again. It did thoughtfully wait for my ear infection to mostly subside before starting back up. But still, do I really need to bleed to death while trapped on the couch with a heat pad and no ibuprofen? Or another reason *not* to be able to go to the pool?

Where's that face palm emoji when I need it...

Unsurprisingly, I haven't seen tons of weight loss on the scale, though my body composition is (I think) improving. Thank heavens the anti-nausea protocol they used for surgery was amazing, so that wasn't a problem. And, amazingly, the hiatal hernia repair seems to have worked! I haven't been all refluxy, even now that I'm starting to taper off my omeprazole.

None of the problems are that bad - believe me, I have too many friends with debilitating medical conditions. And I'm still working hard to try and get my Protein high enough (120?! Seriously?! How am I supposed to hit that?) It's just frustrating to have to struggle to drive, work and exercise when everything just feels so complicated. Good news: I found a Water bottle the size of a small fire extinguisher and am drinking like a boss!

Yeah, long rant, but I would seriously love to hear other post-ops who survived ebola or being shot with a cupcake gun and still made it out the other side 100+ pounds lighter and healthier. ;-P Helpful tips on how you overcame or who you had to assassinate to cure your woes are appreciated. And it's totally okay to end with, "So yeah, I only have one leg now, but my butt looks *amazing* in this bikini!"

Any takers?

I laughed so much reading this (not the content but girl, the delivery!!)

You Rock !!

You're too funny! I'm sorry for the troubles you've had. Good for your for taking it in stride!!

As someone who is also seemingly cursed, I am hoping that 24 years of bad luck have built up enough good karma for me that I can have an easy, foolproof surgery. I am no stranger to the hospital.. I have broken more bones in my body then I have not broken. My orthopedist is on speed dial, and is part of the family!

Since I'm still pre-op, I'll end with this - I have a leg rebuilt out of titanium, but my butt would still look *terrible* in a bikini!

I giggled at the delivery as well!! You are awesome!!!

I had surgery on 11/09/15. Shortly thereafter a horrible series of events happened: we lost our apartment due to an altercation between my husband and a neighbor. Her dog was off leash and attacked our service dog through an enclosed fenced area, and I was pushed to the ground by her shoving me. Hubby defended me and punched her while I was trying to make her dog release mine. Apartment company decided that we had 3 days to move out BC cops were dispatched to our location. The apartments falsely stated we were evicted. Because of the eviction on our record we had a hard time finding a new place. In the meantime I had surgery (before the eviction incident) I lost Tricare prime insurance because we could not afford the premiums. I received Medicaid after Tricare was lost. Here is the kicker: they refused to treat me for all of the side effects that I was having: nausea,gi issues, low blood sugar, blood pressure issues, Vitamin absorption, all fun stuff!! They stated that I should go back to the clinic on post that did my surgery...it was a bad vicious circle. Finally a few months ago, I was able to afford Tricare prime insurance starting in November 2016. Last month I had severe abdominal pains and went to er. It was found that my IUD I had placed a year before surgery was lodged in a inappropriate place. It took an act of Congress to get an appt with an obgyn to have the IUD removed. At that appt, it took 2 people and 2 instruments to remove it in one piece. I had no damage to my lady parts, so I'm still able to carry a child. I'm also highly allergic to the whole cillin family of medicine, as well as coconut.

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Funny!!!

Come visit my Bell's palsy thread, I'm in hospital and though it's nice to have help with this insane regiment of medications, solid food, liquids, Proteins, Vitamins (my husband smuggled them in!) and facial exercises. I am getting bored. The morphine pump is working.

I have a gazillion food allergies (incl melons- just like you!) and also found out I was celiac through the VSG process.

It's so much easier to diet when you have fewer choices! Seriously. I am often the most irritating guest at a dinner party but it's all good because I wasn't going to eat more than a few bites of food anyway.

Your sense of humor will carry you through.

You ???????????????? sorry you went through all that..Only thing I experience was a ruptured hernia I wasn't aware of so recovery has its moments (November 9th)..too many antbitics cause bladder infection but resolved and glue stitches itch like crazy????..I was already allergic to seafood and eating healthy so we'll see how this goes????????????..

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Wow, Judygrim - a size 10? That's awesome! And it's so good of you ladies to write and help keep my spirits up :-) Knowing I'm not the only one with all the allergies is amazing - isn't it fun to have people say, "Are you really allergic to that or do you just not like it?" like you're a recalcitrant 6 year old? I'm still mostly eating the meat, but I can skip the carbs without buying two Entrees :-D

Lynkaosgood, a "series of unfortunate events" is probably the perfect title :-) Even I haven't been attacked by a dog - just, you know, horses, roosters, camels, um, and a capybara got a little frisky with me once. It just sounds so incredible when you link it all together.

But seriously, thank you all so much! Winter in Seattle has arrived - and the six other weeks of the year are just not enough to make up for all the damp and gloom. So I truly appreciate the commiseration.

And recreatingcate, your titanium leg sounds awesome! I have a friend with new bionic boot/walking assist devices, but not the leg. She might have a titanium hip, though, now that I think about it. Don't give up on that bikini worthy backside, though! If we've lived through all of these ridiculously improbable events, a sunny beach in the Med could totally happen!

(She says, as a person who has never even managed to rock a one piece. And would probably get kidnapped by pirates or chased by a tsunami a half minute after setting out.)

Thank you for the humor. It gives me hope. I'm pre op and just got results from endoscopy...I may have gluten sensitivity. My reaction: but I love gluten! Is there gluten anonymous?

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Gluten's a hard one to give up - I have a niece that's celiac and hang with the special needs mom crowd - loads of special diets.

Consider digestive enzymes? Post-op I had massive problems with dairy and fat my sister/accupuncturist said it was gall bladder. More like yelled, "Gall bladder!" into the phone.

You can also just eliminate wheat - there's really no reason to be eating it as a new post-op. I did recently add some low carb tortillas in occasionally which do have wheat. But most keto recipes don't use grains; neither does paleo. And I've recently started looking at Thin Healthy Mama baking blend as a no wheat way to work a little fiber in.

And seriously consider the actual test for celiac. Avoiding gluten contaminated food is a whole other level. Maybe two. We have yet to explain to my MIL that "gravy" does in fact contain flour (and therefore gluten) and doesn't spring fully formed from the tail end of a turkey.. [emoji16]

As for me, I'm preparing for a hysterectomy next week - apparently I have a few giant troublemaker fibroids jacking up my uterus. The surgeon referred to it as "ornery". [emoji848][emoji19]After needed a blood transfusion last month, I decided I agreed. So after I heal up from that, I'm hopefully just down to the PTTD and a few other things.

Good luck to all you toiling on! [emoji16]

Thank you for the humor. It gives me hope. I'm pre op and just got results from endoscopy...I may have gluten sensitivity. My reaction: but I love gluten! Is there gluten anonymous?

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Well test results are in. No Celiac. No gluten sensitivity. Had a huge smile on my face when I got that call from doctor.

This was like the funniest thread.....keep it up!!!!?