Morning All!

I hope everyone is well. I just wanted some insight from you guys about how you dealt with telling friends/family members about your surgery. I have two younger brothers. One of them is in the military and was home on leave this weekend. I am scheduled for surgery on 9/14 but hadn't told him yet. I waited until I saw him in person over the weekend and told him about the surgery. His reaction was unexpected and I'm letting it get to me, which I probably shouldn't.

He told me that he feels like me getting surgery is a "cop out" and the "easy way out" and that if I set my mind to it, I could lose the weight on my own. He was heavier as a child, but lost 60 lbs before he enlisted, so he thinks since he did it, I can do it. (mind you, I have way more than 60lbs to lose). It was difficult to hear for me, because I have tried SO MANY TIMES to lose weight on my own and I always end up heavier than I was before. It's been a downward spiral for me and the simple act of making the decision to have surgery wasn't easy for me, never mind the surgery itself. And I know that it's not easy or the "easy way out", but I guess I just to offense to his reaction.

Did you guys ever run into someone's negative opinion about your surgery? And how did you let it roll off your shoulder?

This is good stuff:

I'm not sure why we value doing things the 'hard' way in situations like this but value technology and tools to ease our lives in so many other situations? My husband has never said 'thanks for doing the laundry, but wouldn't it be better if you'd washed it in a stream and beat it against a rock?'.

So then I ask, if someone quits smoking by using the patch, is that the "easy way out"?

Medically assisted weight loss - obesity is a disease just like diabetes, hypertension, addiction, etc. If you were unable to have children, would your brother suggest fertility treatment was the easy way out. It is less than a 5% likelihood that you can maintain a weight loss without surgery. WLS is a tool to help fight obesity. I hope your brother supports you eventually.

This is what I have said... Do what I've had to do to get this surgery to try to lose weight for years live with the facts after the surgery because it is a process that takes a lot of adjustment and sacrifice so after all that you have the surgery and in a year we can re visit this conversation and u can tell me exactly what u think is so easy about it ... That usually stuns them silent... If only it were so easy as to just do it on our own well gee none of us would overeat or be overweight right? Yeah let's just tell the ppl addicted to drugs or alcohol hey u can do it on your own just say no... Uh huh that works I know how about ppl keep their mouths shut about something they don't struggle with or understand

Does he walk to work or drive? Easy way out.

Does he hand wash his clothes and pin them on the line or use a washer/dryer? Easy way out.

If he gets a headache, does he take meds or wait it out? Easy way out.

Electric toothbrush or a twig and baking soda? Easy way out.

Does he hunt/grow his own food or go to the market? Easy way out.

Does he get the flu shot and all his inoculations? Easy way out.

Does he do any shopping via the internet? Easy way out.

I could go on forever....

Work smarter, not harder.

@ - Ugh. You know I really struggle with this. It is because of reactions like this that I have only told my husband and best friend. I didn't want their negativity before surgery. It was a long hard road coming to this point and finally making the leap to have surgery. I have done so many diets and lost so much weight! But...I blink and I'm obese again! I thought about surgery many times over the years and always thought - it's too extreme - people will think I cheated - I can do this on my own, this time will work. Last fall I got to a point where I couldn't bare one more diet without some hope of the weight staying off this time and I went in for WLS consult.

I think comments like your brother made are said by people who truly do not understand the struggle. Yes, he lost weight once. Did he live that life for years and struggle with diet after diet, only to gain it all back? People think because they once lost weight it makes them the same. It doesn't. He doesn't understand the struggle. You are not taking the easy way out!

But I think I'm also starting to get the WTF mentality about this now too. OK, let's say this is the easy way out. Let's say this is cheating. We are not going to be given any awards or grades on how we lost the damn weight. We just need to lose it AND keep it off so we can live a healthy, happy, long, fulfilled life. So even if they want to call it taking the easy way out, don't these people love us enough to say - do it however you need to. I just want to have you around for a good long time.

People who make these comments are just starting to bug me. If the surgery is your best chance at losing weight - why not do it? My surgeon told me that studies show that only 5% of obese people can actually lose weight and keep it off. 5%!!!! I've been working with those odds all these years. July 27th was the day I leveled the playing field.

Stay strong. Don't worry about your brother's comments. He doesn't understand your struggle.

Thank you so much for these words!

I too, have kept mostly quiet about it. My best friend, fiance', and immediate family know, and that's it. Ultimately, his opinion doesn't make me question my decision at all. But he's one of the closest people in the world to me, and I just want his support more than anything else.

He definitely has no clue about the struggle. He lost his weight as a 17 year old boy, and he's now been active military for years so he has been able to maintain a healthy weight because he'll be unemployed if he doesn't. He has no idea. I WISH I only had 60 lbs to lose.

And the part that I think made me take so much offense is that he knows that I have tried so hard to lose the weight. I have only had temporary success with Weight Watchers (after joining for my 10th time), and I got down to around 169lbs. But as soon as I wasn't counting every point or calorie, I found myself where I was when I met with the surgeon, at 268 lbs. It's the most AWFUL feeling in the world.

So you are right, this is our best chance at a long, happy, healthy life. After taking a day to sleep on it, I am not going to argue with him or be upset, I think I will let my journey speak for itself.

@ - Ugh. You know I really struggle with this. It is because of reactions like this that I have only told my husband and best friend. I didn't want their negativity before surgery. It was a long hard road coming to this point and finally making the leap to have surgery. I have done so many diets and lost so much weight! But...I blink and I'm obese again! I thought about surgery many times over the years and always thought - it's too extreme - people will think I cheated - I can do this on my own, this time will work. Last fall I got to a point where I couldn't bare one more diet without some hope of the weight staying off this time and I went in for WLS consult.

I think comments like your brother made are said by people who truly do not understand the struggle. Yes, he lost weight once. Did he live that life for years and struggle with diet after diet, only to gain it all back? People think because they once lost weight it makes them the same. It doesn't. He doesn't understand the struggle. You are not taking the easy way out!

But I think I'm also starting to get the WTF mentality about this now too. OK, let's say this is the easy way out. Let's say this is cheating. We are not going to be given any awards or grades on how we lost the damn weight. We just need to lose it AND keep it off so we can live a healthy, happy, long, fulfilled life. So even if they want to call it taking the easy way out, don't these people love us enough to say - do it however you need to. I just want to have you around for a good long time.

People who make these comments are just starting to bug me. If the surgery is your best chance at losing weight - why not do it? My surgeon told me that studies show that only 5% of obese people can actually lose weight and keep it off. 5%!!!! I've been working with those odds all these years. July 27th was the day I leveled the playing field.

Stay strong. Don't worry about your brother's comments. He doesn't understand your struggle.

It makes me sad that your brother would say this to you - I think it should be obvious that you did not come to the decision to have your digestive system altered lightly. But I guess as so many others have said, they do not understand the struggle unless they have been there. This is also the reason that I have chosen to tell a few people in my inner circle about my surgery.

I've been thinking about this thread since I read it yesterday. Mainly because I have had my own self doubt with regards to the surgery. I have finally come to understand that this surgery is my best option. If it is the easy way out, then so be it! I have tried to lose weight so many times on my own. I have joined weight watchers more times than I can count. I have done south beach, atkins, TLS, slim fast. I have done the meal prepping on Sundays. I have counted points, points plus, smart points, calories, carbs and Protein. I have worked out with a personal trainer, done boot camps at 5:15am, zumba, Water aerobics and jazzercise (not to mention the myriad of exercise videos that I own). With all of these things over the course of the past 20+ years I have yet to achieve a healthy weight. Is it me? Probably?!? Yes, I know what I need to do. My problem is sticking with it long enough to glean the results. This surgery is going to be my insurance policy. My governor when a moment of weakness hits. Yes, I understand that it is just a tool, but I plan to work with it to the best of my ability to achieve a healthy weight. I could continue to fight a good fight, but I am exhausted! If there is a tool that will help me finally lose weight, then why shouldn't I choose to use it??

im a bit lucky no one told me that, but i have a answer.

there are 2 studies that i read when it came to weight loss that helped me make my decision to have surgery,

1. people who are successful to lose weight with diet and excersize the conventional way, only 4% actually keep it off 3 years later

2. 80% of patients who do WLS, 5 years later are still off their meds for the co-morbilitys that they had going in to surgery.

so with that, my answer is, it may be an easy way out, but it works better then the hard way! so why go through the hard way!

I was really glad to see this thread. At first my husband kept saying that I'd lost weight in the past and if I'd just stick to it and not give up and regain then I wouldn't need this. VERY frustrating. He's being very supportive now but it was tough to try to explain it to him.

I don't even have a surgery date yet and I've decided I'm not telling anyone else. I told my closest girlfriend (who has never weighed more than 110 lbs) and she got pretty judgmental. She told me that I shouldn't "give up" on myself like this. That she has faith in me, etc etc. I know that she was trying to be nice but how is this giving up on myself? Why was everyone so encouraging during my cycles of crazy starvation diets, pills, and manic levels of exercise to relose weight that I'd just regained?

It's because of the stigma attached to weight. If you're unable to stop drinking, smoking, doing drugs, even masturbating, then we rush you off to rehab and applaud how brave you are for taking steps to get help and recognizing you can't do it on your own. I really hope that in years to come the dialogue about being overweight will change and people will start to recognize that it's more complicated then a bunch of lazy people who can't put down the fork.

The easy way out is to do nothing, remain obese, have health and emotional issues, not live life to the fullest and die an earlier death of an obesity related illness or comorbidity.

Having major surgery to remove 80-85% of your stomach (for a VSG, other procedures can be more involved), following pre/post WLS diets and lifestyle changes, including eating differently, exercising, etc., is definitely not "the easy way out".

@@finding_onederland - Your post says it well. I really do think that we were born with a disadvantage. We don't have the genetics or something in our makeup that makes it possible for us to lose and maintain a weight loss. I've done all those things you've done and I've gotten to a good weight many times and swore that I would NEVER go back. Then I swear I turned around one day and there was all the weight again. I'm 2 weeks post op. I really do pray this new sleeve works like the tool I hope it is! I hope this is the last time I have to lose this amount of weight ever again!

Did you guys ever run into someone's negative opinion about your surgery?

No, never heard of such a thing.

Seriously, people who choose bariatric surgery must make great changes in the way they eat and must work out. On top of that, they have surgery. The surgery doesn't do the work; the people do the work. It's possible to gain wait despite surgery and it really does happen.

Whether you say that or anything else to your brother or anyone else is up to you. What matters is that you know the truth, but now you know why many people are selective about with whom they discuss surgery.

Think about it this way Shrinking Kitta--your brother changed his lifestyle when he went into the Marines. Now you're changing your lifestyle in a different way.

Agree with him. You are not close enough for him to understand how you got here. Tell him he is right. Remind him of all the easy choices and lucky breaks you have had,(Especially if you have had tragic times you can spin,) If you were lucky enough to ever be abandoned, sick, or poor, then you had sooo many God-given opportunities to keep things simple. My kids and I wrote our own holiday music, which we still sing. This God-given joy came from no radio/stereo music player! Also though, insist on credit for your cleverness. Your lazy, cop-out, flawed path belongs to you. You can't help it if he chose to fight windmills even when it was so hard. You were smart enough to wait until the right time for you

You can choke on his superiority, or plant sly seeds of doubt until he chokes on himself.