It's not a secret that I take an antidepressant. It took me a long time to be open about that, as my family are "just snap out of it" kind of people. My brain just doesn't handle serotonin well on its own. Without an antidepressant, everything and nothing makes me cry and I can't feel joy. With it, I feel and act, like a normal person (HEY! no comments from the peanut gallery!).

Last week at work was a week from hell. Patient almost dying in the parking lot, another patient having a psychotic break and calling constantly with delusions of grandeur and racing thoughts (and I got to take his calls), several interactions with the police regarding that same patient, dismissing two patients (one for combining alcohol with her meds on top of a positive drug test for pcp, another for increasing her meds on her own several times)... you name it, we went through it.

I take my medications (antidepressant and vitamins) after I get to work; it's part of my morning routine at the office. With all the chaos, I forgot to take them on Thursday. Then I forgot to take them on Friday. Then I went out of town on Saturday and forgot to take them.

Saturday I went to an adult, Disney-themed party. I went as Milady de Winter, the spy from The Three Musketeers that plots to kill the king of France (if you've seen Disney's version with Tim Curry, Kiefer Sutherland, Charlie Sheen, etc., it was the part played by Rebecca DeMornay). Years ago when I was doing Renaissance stuff, I made a beautiful Italian Renaissance green and gold gown, underdress, etc. So I wore that, and everything I was wearing I had made myself, with the exception of my shoes. Roughly half of the women at the party were wearing as little as possible. There was a costume contest, and I came in second, behind a girl dressed as Belle, in a very short dress with major cleavage. Think "adult Halloween costume" versus historically-accurate gown that you might see in a Renaissance painting.

It left me in tears, and it shouldn't have. It was clearly a cleavage contest, as a number of people expressed in surprise to me afterwards. I have no cleavage anymore. I used to fill out the bust of this dress and then some. I was able to tighten up the bodice a bit, but still no cleavage.

I couldn't believe how stupid I felt for being in tears over something like this. Something that doesn't matter. I'm usually very careful not to enter contests that are not based on skill, because I want to be judged on ability, not popularity.

Just as we were leaving the party to go back to the hotel, I got a massive headache. Great. No sexy time for me. So we're laying in bed, my head is killing me, and tears are streaming down my face, and I can't even tell him why. Thankfully, he's a patient guy and he just held me.

The next morning, I realized what had happened. I had no antidepressant on board, and it takes about two to three days for any changes to be noticeable, positive or negative. I still had a headache, but it was just kind of around the edges, not as bad as it had been. I was able to articulate to him what the problem was, and I got some gentle sexy time (which, if you know anything about me, is not my preferred "speed" ).

So I made stupid choices and got a stupid outcome. This was not my first rodeo, and I know better. I know I have to take care of myself. Uggghhhh.

What a beautiful costume. You look amazing in it. Such talent to have sewn it!!

What a week from hell you had. My hat goes off to you having the mental strength and patience to work with chronic pain patients. Hell has no fury like a pain addict not getting their meds.

Hope it's a better week.

I am wondering if people mind sharing which medication they take. I haven't been able to find one I can take without terrible side effects. They make me feel like I am on speed-like I stuck my finger in a light socket and I just shake.

I need one. I am depressed and have been for a long time but Trazadone gives me terrible headaches, and every SSRI I have tried has given me the shakes, nausea, headaches,make me sweat profusely, and cause insomnia.

@@Oregondaisy - I take an SSRI but I take it right before I go to sleep so that I sleep thru the early side effects, if any. Have you tried that?

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I began taking my SSRI at bedtime because after the usual side-effects subsided, the only one that remained was the pill made me tired for at least 1-1/2 hours and unproductive. So I began taking it at bedtime, and now I just fall asleep faster.

Perhaps try it. If you would like to go the non-prescription way, try using GABA or St. John's Wart, or even SAMe. I'd research those and see if it would be an option for you.

@@Oregondaisy

You may have to go for an old-school antidepressant, like an MAOI inhibitor, if the SSRIs don't work for you. Don't be afraid to ask your doctor about a different medication.

I take Prozac, which despite its bad reputation, is effective for people who tend to fixate on things that they should be able to let go, and/or obsessive behaviors. Aside from crying for no particular reason, that was one of my major symptoms.

Jumping in here. LOOOVE your photo of you in the dress. You are beautiful in it and the dress itself is gorgeous, too.

I take Wellbutrin and like it. I have taken Paxil and Prozac in the past -- not together!

I am trying a whole new shift. Tonight is my last night of sleep meds. I hope

To use a more holistic process. I was going to start logging food again. Yes it's almost 3 years out and put back 14 out of 42 lbs. I will log but I am going to diary all the good choices. Didn't eat the chocolate donut staring at me / Did t use sour cream on my 12 tortilla chips / salsa and 2 slices of cheese . Would have doubled it. Watered down my Chardonnay at dinner . Didn't eat the French fries that my husband insisted on. This is the only way I can survive. 571/2 and 1 at diet at 11.

@@Oregondaisy I have tried many of them...prozac is the only one that works for me. I have had depression for many years and finally got a true diagnoses 2 years ago..bipolar type 2. It has taken over a year of different meds and strengths to get my personal cocktail...everyone is different. Depakote is my mood leveler and valium is for my anxiety and sleep. Bipolar is inherited I was told and now I can look back and see family members who more than likely had it also. In all the docs I went to over the years not one of them referred me to a psychiatrist or even mentioned the word bipolar. It took me about a year to wrap my head around it and it explained a lot of stupid choices I made through the years. Now I embrace it and actually view it as a gift. Be patient and don't give up on finding what works for you....even if it means changing doctors. My body seems to like the older drugs on the market. I am 63.

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Edited August 22, 20169 yr by Uniqbtrfly

@@Sharon1964 I too have worked in the medical field and the mind and brain has always fascinated me. So over the years my research in mental illness although I am no where a know it all. One of my x husbands had a head injury...happened before we met. To see him you would not know it. But living it was hell for me...so much emotional abuse. I have Fibromyalgia and my rheumatologist wants to give me Tramadol 50mg 1 a day as needed for pain...I also have Chronic Pain. I cannot take any of the meds for the fibro. So I turned to my primary care doc and she gives me the Tramadol 2x a day. I tried a pain management doc one time and all she wanted to do was give me shots.. no thank you very much. I have these and more health issues that there is no cure for so I take my meds religiously. Some bipolars like to stop there meds cause they like the "highs". I know them well and liked them too...but I now have a very loving and supportive husband and I do not want to make any more stupid choices that I know would make me lose him...he truly is the love of my life and actually saved my life because he pointed out the patterns in my past that made me do the research and led me to my diagnoses of bipolar rather than just depression. BTW...I love your dress and you look very becoming wearing it.

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Sharon, I hear you. I have an antidepressant that can cause severe withdrawal symptoms within the same day if I miss it, and I still do sometimes! I get so irritated with myself, but life can get away from us. Don't be too hard on yourself. You shared so many things to be proud of in your post - being open about your medication, your amazing sewing skills, putting yourself out there to do things that you don't normally do, and recognizing when your reactions aren't "normal". I'd say that the positives outweigh the negatives here. Keep fighting the good fight! ❤️

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The bodice is far too big, and this was at the end of the night when my head was killing me. These views don't do justice to the outfit.

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Just beautiful!!!!!

Good luck and thanks!

Teena

Surgery date 08/15/16

Start 267/ Surgery 248/ Now 221

Loss 46 / 27