My worst fears within marriage have come true…adultery. I'll be banded 6-months next week and have lost 71 of 190 pounds so far. Almost exactly 4-months after my surgery in Feb 2007, when I was down 50 pounds from my highest/surgery weight of 320 & really starting to desire again, my husband of 9-½ years began cheating with a woman who’d recently begun flirting with him at work. (Details, if you want to read them because, apparently, I need to write them: I know the dates are correct & how it started because he allowed me to read the initial e-mails when I asked. She’s our age, recently separated herself, knew he was married with kids (2 & 4) & was still coming on strong via e-mail… He replied no thanks I could never do anything that would jeopardize my marriage or family when she offered sex, but she did not drop it at all. Now, I’m in no way making excuses for the inexcusable, but I have thought he’s been depressed for quite a long while before this & I’m sure he must have been flattered by the unsolicited, persistent attention. 14 days after the 1st e-mail they kissed; by 16 days of it, he’d become unfaithful for the 1st time in his life -- a “strictly sex” cheater, not using protection. And, well…there’s nothing you can do to erase from your marriage sex with someone other than your spouse. She worked in a different department & was fired for unrelated (& unknown to me) reasons about a week after the sex started. I guess he thought it would end with that, but couldn’t stop thinking about her. She stayed in touch with him & he convinced himself that it must be love if he felt that desperate about loosing this homewrecker, uh, I mean woman. The adultery became “an affair” worthy of the word obsession. He started cashing parts of his paycheck so there’d be no paper trail, bought a “for her” pre-paid cell phone, began “having really busy days” at work to explain not being at his desk & coming home late, taking extended lunches to see her, going to her before work, leaving home to run errands that were convenient excuses to see her, skipping out on family plans, completely detaching from me and from our kids, stopped paying the bills, mowing the lawn or doing anything at all for the house… I guess these are the usual things, but to me they were terrifying & I was very suspicious!About a month into it, after a discussion about plans for my birthday deteriorated into him saying he wasn’t sure he wanted to be married anymore, I called him on my suspicions. He denied adultery, but was late from work by over an hour the next night & I would not be put off any longer.) After I forced him to admit to the infidelity which went from mid-June right through July, he told me he wasn’t sure what to do – who he wanted to be with more. Trying to keep what I believed was/is his untreated depression in mind, and loving him more than I can ever say, I asked (okay, begged might not be too strong a word) him to choose us. We’ve invested over half of our lives in this relationship (started dating in high school 16 years ago & until now were each other’s only sexual partners); surely it isn’t over after a month & a half of sex with someone else! He said he didn’t want to leave, but didn’t know if he could stay. And by the end of the night he agreed to at least see a marriage counselor once. He saw the counselor alone & then we saw her together. The meeting seemed completely ineffective – nothing new said by either of us, and no tools to help us make it to the other side of this with our marriage in tact. But she did say he’s clinically depressed & he agreed to address that with additional, individual therapy. Later that night, he said that he was still very confused, but he wanted to stay with me & try working things out with marriage counseling. So at least I’ve got something to hold on to, but…

Here’s the thing… more than that my husband is/was screwing someone else (which I have plenty of issue with! :yell::censored::yell:), I have always feared that he withdrew from our sex life (which has been lacking of late & non-existent since my Banding 6 months ago) because I became too fat to be found attractive anymore. That his love for me would prove subjective & conditional even after all we’ve been to & meant for each other. (In fact, my 1st post at LBT was about that very thing.) Now, not only do I have that fear staring me in the face, but am forced to add to it that he’s been f*cking with great abandon a very thin woman who shares not one of my physical features! It’s all so new & so very raw… I don’t know how to go on, but I don’t want to give up on 16 years of being in love with my best friend, the father of my children, the only man I have ever loved!!! Despite this sickening, hurtful thing he's done to me, he really has always been a wonderful person and I can't give up hope yet that he still is...

I know the divorce rate for WLS patients is said to be something like 80%… I just never imagined that I’d be part of that statistic! Are there a lot of people in my situation – a faithful husband who starts to cheat only after huge changes have been made to improve the life, health, and appearance of his wife? Or is it that the WLS patient decides that a new life means new everything, spouse included?!? How can this be happening…? I’m so hurt and angry…and feel abandoned by the very person who vowed to love me forever, even if he has decided to try marriage counseling!!! And what do I do now to reconcile my own, pre-existing now reinforced insecurities about my appearance with the new realties of a marriage facing infidelity? I know this is a long & bumpy path I’ve chosen to take by giving him a 2nd chance, what I can’t figure out is what to do next!?!

Zannie

320-BMI 58.5/249 @ nearly 6-months/130-BMI 24

I definitely see your point Mz Green!

May the whore suffer the body odor of 1000 camels!!! :heh:

I absolutely agree with Zannie doing everything in her power to save her marriage. Nobody knows better than I the despair of losing the man you love to another woman, be she a whore, a screaming bitch, or a mother with 4 kids who changed her mind and wants her husband back (as was my case). My point was that in the 9 months of heartbreak and despair it took me to get over being left for another woman, I had many moments of selfish spiteful get-even-pleasure plotting my revenge against the screaming bitch he left me for. I never acted out on any of them, for I, too, always choose the high road. But never underestimate the healing power of knowing that you could, if you wanted to, cause disruption and chaos if you really wanted to. I have and always will refer to the other woman as the "screaming bitch" even though the rational part of me knows that she is much more than that. I choose to hate her; it makes me feel better. She is the enemy. To this day, she has screaming fits every time someone mentions my name in her presence. She is persona non grata with mutual friends, they prefer me to her and I get immense childish immature pleasure from it. But at the end of the day, he chose her and the kids over me. Let me clarify that I was not then nor will I ever be the other woman in that relationship. They had been separated for months when we got together. She was relentless and never gave us a moment's peace and in the end, he went home. Her main problem was that it was ME, someone she has always felt threatened by because he told her once that he has been in love with me since we were teenagers and I never gave him the time of day. Then when they broke up, we got together and she went balistic and began her campaign to get him back. I will never again underestimate the power a woman has to manipulate a man. I've seen it first hand.

The "whore" is obviously unbalanced and I believe that in the end, Zannie's husband will reach his breaking point and be done with her. My advice to Zannie is to stick with what she's doing; be rational, set boundaries, don't wheedle, whine, threaten, cry, beg, or bargain. Showing him that she is still his best friend will have far more lasting impact than the whore bringing her estranged husband to beat up the brother in law did. And I still think the restraining order is a splendid idea.

I will now bow out of this thread; just wanted to put my two cents in...

Elaine

I definitely see your point Mz Green!

May the whore suffer the body odor of 1000 camels!!! :heh:

A friend of mine who has made a study of herbs claims she knows of one who will make the person who eats it stink like a 1000 camels. :bounce:I've never tried it out on anyone.....yet.

(Congratulations on your weight loss, TDoodle. Your new avatar looks great. )

And welcome to BandLand, ElaineU.

Thanks green! I'll be seeing you around, I'm sure.

Elaine

These last posts since zannie signed off for vacation have been great. All have made excellent points on different sides of the picture. I think zannie will appreciate them when she gets back. But I gotta tell you guys, if I didn't know better (in my heart, I guess) I would think that the whole zannie story was made up. It just keeps getting more and more insane. Like just when you think it can't get any worse, it does. Gawd my heart goes out to the whole family.

Elaine I loved reading your posts.

Terri: I have been uncomfortable with the "whore" label we've put on the hussy too. But Green made the good point that we're here trying to comfort zannie and having us as her allies against the other woman is far more comforting than for us to show any sympathy for the skank.

I really do believe that it isn't a one-way street and that the husband isn't a victim. I think zannie's complaint should be with her husband. After all, her contract and vows aren't with the other woman, they're with her man. In a perfect world, women would stick together and they wouldn't be home wreckers, ever. But the world isn't perfect and our primal urges are stronger than we are sometimes.

I just keep hoping that the 3rd person in this whole affair will continue to act like a maniac and zannie's husband will realize how insane the whore is.

I'm hoping you got the band for you, and not in hopes to strengthen your marriage. I can relate sooo very well to your pain. I promise you will get thru this..but let me ask you this..do you want your husband to stay because he wants to or because he feels obligated and guilty? I stayed with my ex for many years thinking it was easier than being alone. But I was lonilier with him.

Interesting post to say the least, Elaine! Woke me up on this Sunday morning!

I don't agree with the concept of 'revenge' at all. It keeps you stuck in the situation when you really should be working on how to move on. My mother always taught me to take the high road in bad situations and so far it has worked for me pretty well. At least I find that I am a forgiving person and don't harbor many resentments, which makes me feel lighter. And I have endured quite a bit in my life.

Hello... I am new to this thread. I stumbled upon this topic when I was looking for something else. I, fortunately, have never had to deal with infidelity, at least that I know of. I am currently seperated and trying to divorce my husband. We were together for 9 years married for less than 3 of those years and have been seperated, officially since 9/2001. He was a very bad GAMBLER, and I tried everything to make the relationship work besides becoming homeless due to his addiction and was NOT going to do that to my daughter. Even though she still doesn't like the fact the her father and I are not together I know one day she will understand, she is still young (12 1/2). And it made it worse because she was always a Daddy's little girl, and after the seperation he has not been there for her at all. Even though he only lives 6 blocks away and has always had our number, he NEVER calls. Matter of fact if she is missing him she tracks him down and calls him to see if she can come over to see him, which I am the one who takes her there and picks her up. I HATE DOING THIS!! I feel so responsible sometimes for her lack of relationship w/ her dad. But then I remember that he is the one that broke up the relationship due to his addiction. I just wish he cared more to even call and say hi baby girl how are you doing, or daddy loves you...she gets nothing!!! This is the reason I HATE DIVORCE, but I know sometimes it has to be done. I just don't like what it does to the children. So I have vowed that I will make sure my next serious relationship will be as close to perfect as it can be, as far as all that her father did wrong. Sorry for venting so much...back to what I was going to say when I started typing........ I really do agree with you on the whole revenge thing, I have never taken action when it comes to revenge...I can't say how many times I have thought about things to do but I don't follow through. What I wish is that I could just let things like that go easier and not even think about it in the first place I think it relieve some of my pain if I could. I hope you all have a great evening and just remember to ALWAYS keep your head up Zannie...NO MATTER WHAT happens.

Zannie, So sorry you are going through this. My husband did the same thing about two years ago. He left me for her and of course she was much younger than me and thin. I did not have my band at the time. She told him she was pregnant, but it turned out the baby was not his. Too late we are divorced, but i am doing fine now. It is all very hard and my heart goes out to you. Big hug!!! Donna

Oh Zannie I so feel for you. Are you postive that she is pregnant or could this be a plot on her part to test him into leaving you? What is his thoughts on this? First let me vent....What a stupid idiot for not using protection. What was the dumba$$ thinking...I guess he wasn't. How could he be so stupid. Not only did he throw a wrench in a good marriage but he didn't even care that he might and now maybe has brought a new child into this mess!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! UGGGGHHHH! Sometimes men have no sense. Ok now, what you need to ask yourself is do you want to go on with him if he is willing. If you do and he is willing we all support you! Sometimes, and I am sure I don't have to tell you this, when people get together so young and have not experience other relationships it leads one's mind to wonder what it would be like. That being said, sometimes it is better on everyones part to be seperated. Sometimes going each their own way for a time will make things seem "new" again when 2 people get back together. Like you know each other from being together so long, but you don't really KNOW each other anymore. Do you understand what I am trying to say, I can't get it out like I want it. Like instead of growing together you have grown apart. Anyways, I am a firm believer in "Everything happens for a reason!" It will work out for the best in the end. I will be praying for you, and remember we are here supporting you with whatever you decide. If we always stay in our comfort zone then there is no room for us to continue grow as a person, our lives get stagnant. If you choose to end it or are struggling with what to do, maybe you need to get out and regrow as a strong beautiful woman inside and out! Taking that step is scary but focus on you getting HAPPY. BIG HUGS TO YOU! I know it seems right now that there is a tornado in your life and all you want is the sun to come out, in time you will weather this storm and be a better, stonger, happier person! One day you will look around you and see the sun, and the world and think "This is what I have been missing for so long." Everything is beautiful again and I CAN weather anything that comes my way. I can do it because I am a STRONG, BEAUTIFUL, SELF-SUFFICIANT WOMAN and no man will ever bring me down again!

Has anyone heard from Zannie? I'm worried about her. Zannie, if you read this, please let us know how you are.

Donna

shes probaly lying, they usually are.