My worst fears within marriage have come true…adultery. I'll be banded 6-months next week and have lost 71 of 190 pounds so far. Almost exactly 4-months after my surgery in Feb 2007, when I was down 50 pounds from my highest/surgery weight of 320 & really starting to desire again, my husband of 9-½ years began cheating with a woman who’d recently begun flirting with him at work. (Details, if you want to read them because, apparently, I need to write them: I know the dates are correct & how it started because he allowed me to read the initial e-mails when I asked. She’s our age, recently separated herself, knew he was married with kids (2 & 4) & was still coming on strong via e-mail… He replied no thanks I could never do anything that would jeopardize my marriage or family when she offered sex, but she did not drop it at all. Now, I’m in no way making excuses for the inexcusable, but I have thought he’s been depressed for quite a long while before this & I’m sure he must have been flattered by the unsolicited, persistent attention. 14 days after the 1st e-mail they kissed; by 16 days of it, he’d become unfaithful for the 1st time in his life -- a “strictly sex” cheater, not using protection. And, well…there’s nothing you can do to erase from your marriage sex with someone other than your spouse. She worked in a different department & was fired for unrelated (& unknown to me) reasons about a week after the sex started. I guess he thought it would end with that, but couldn’t stop thinking about her. She stayed in touch with him & he convinced himself that it must be love if he felt that desperate about loosing this homewrecker, uh, I mean woman. The adultery became “an affair” worthy of the word obsession. He started cashing parts of his paycheck so there’d be no paper trail, bought a “for her” pre-paid cell phone, began “having really busy days” at work to explain not being at his desk & coming home late, taking extended lunches to see her, going to her before work, leaving home to run errands that were convenient excuses to see her, skipping out on family plans, completely detaching from me and from our kids, stopped paying the bills, mowing the lawn or doing anything at all for the house… I guess these are the usual things, but to me they were terrifying & I was very suspicious!About a month into it, after a discussion about plans for my birthday deteriorated into him saying he wasn’t sure he wanted to be married anymore, I called him on my suspicions. He denied adultery, but was late from work by over an hour the next night & I would not be put off any longer.) After I forced him to admit to the infidelity which went from mid-June right through July, he told me he wasn’t sure what to do – who he wanted to be with more. Trying to keep what I believed was/is his untreated depression in mind, and loving him more than I can ever say, I asked (okay, begged might not be too strong a word) him to choose us. We’ve invested over half of our lives in this relationship (started dating in high school 16 years ago & until now were each other’s only sexual partners); surely it isn’t over after a month & a half of sex with someone else! He said he didn’t want to leave, but didn’t know if he could stay. And by the end of the night he agreed to at least see a marriage counselor once. He saw the counselor alone & then we saw her together. The meeting seemed completely ineffective – nothing new said by either of us, and no tools to help us make it to the other side of this with our marriage in tact. But she did say he’s clinically depressed & he agreed to address that with additional, individual therapy. Later that night, he said that he was still very confused, but he wanted to stay with me & try working things out with marriage counseling. So at least I’ve got something to hold on to, but…

Here’s the thing… more than that my husband is/was screwing someone else (which I have plenty of issue with! :yell::censored::yell:), I have always feared that he withdrew from our sex life (which has been lacking of late & non-existent since my Banding 6 months ago) because I became too fat to be found attractive anymore. That his love for me would prove subjective & conditional even after all we’ve been to & meant for each other. (In fact, my 1st post at LBT was about that very thing.) Now, not only do I have that fear staring me in the face, but am forced to add to it that he’s been f*cking with great abandon a very thin woman who shares not one of my physical features! It’s all so new & so very raw… I don’t know how to go on, but I don’t want to give up on 16 years of being in love with my best friend, the father of my children, the only man I have ever loved!!! Despite this sickening, hurtful thing he's done to me, he really has always been a wonderful person and I can't give up hope yet that he still is...

I know the divorce rate for WLS patients is said to be something like 80%… I just never imagined that I’d be part of that statistic! Are there a lot of people in my situation – a faithful husband who starts to cheat only after huge changes have been made to improve the life, health, and appearance of his wife? Or is it that the WLS patient decides that a new life means new everything, spouse included?!? How can this be happening…? I’m so hurt and angry…and feel abandoned by the very person who vowed to love me forever, even if he has decided to try marriage counseling!!! And what do I do now to reconcile my own, pre-existing now reinforced insecurities about my appearance with the new realties of a marriage facing infidelity? I know this is a long & bumpy path I’ve chosen to take by giving him a 2nd chance, what I can’t figure out is what to do next!?!

Zannie

320-BMI 58.5/249 @ nearly 6-months/130-BMI 24

I know exactly what you mean! The family dynamics in my first 2 marriages were VERY different from what I was raised with. There was a lot of alcoholism, and in each (pretty wierd!) the youngest sibling was in actuality an older sisters child being raised by the parents---and being kept from the child. Both families had dealt with infidelities, and in the seconf marriage molestation. The horrors in that family would shock you---they did me.

There is a saying that with each good bye you learn. Thankfully I did learn something, I learned to value my own family, and to realize if anyone wanted good things for me it was them, and I decided to listen finally!!! I also learned I was ok by myself. I stepped back, and got my own life in control---opened a small business that allowed me to buy a small home.

My DH's mom and I would run into each other frequently, and his Granny was one of my favorite people in the world--I frequently took my young DD out to see her. I spoke with his Mom at length about what I had changed in my life. Then one night when he was in town, he called! I knew when I heard him laugh as we talked on the phone...something about his rumbling laugh rumbled something inside me! We took it slow, and managed through the long distance...and it was worth it.

In hindsight, if something had happened to my parents when I was a young child, I could have been plucked up and dropped into Rick's family, and not ended up much differently than I am right now. The core beliefs and expectation from a child were very, very similar. We were both raised in families with long standing marriages. I attended both sets of grandparents 50th Anniversaries, and just threw a big party for my own parents 50th a couple of months ago. We threwa big 60th Anniversary for his parents last year. One set of his grandparents missed 70 years by days---the other Granny--my favorite---buried 3 husbands. She used to tell me I needed a boy like her Ricky---but to hear her talk, he was such a goody two shoes, he just never would have been my type!!! But when you merge Granny's take on her favorite grandson, and the guy he is away from her---he is perfect----for me!

I would have sworn on everything I know that I never would be with another man, following my 2nd marriage. Good thing I never had to!

I hate crediting him (2nd ex) with anything, even something such as you say about bringing you to a place to appreciate your present DH. I can look at his history, and empathize with what he went through. But I can only do that because of what he did to me. If that makes any sense. I cannot deal well with the fear of him ever getting out, to think about it very much causes me to hyperventilate. I have successfully completed a concealed carry class, and can legally be armed at all times. I regularly have a check done to assure myself he is still locked up. Due to crimes commited against other prisoners, he should remain in prison, they occured following the 3 strikes law. It had not been in effect when he went to prison. He served a sentence in OK before being transferred to TX, where he remains today. He has come up for parole once---and was denied on his behavior, I was not required to attend--but I was notified, and given the option of speaking--which I would have done. For several years following him, I spoke on a local Victim Impact Panel, trying to get NM to toughen up their domestic abuse laws. At that point in time, he had hospitalized me with several broken bones, just months before the final assault, but in NM I lost my right to file charges on him, because I left the scene----I left in an ambulance! Yep---serious as a heart attack!!!

OK I have detoured our OP's topic long enough. She is strong and will get through this, I am anxious to hear how she is doing!!!

Thanks so much for all your kind words and support!!!

Kat

Zannie -- ?? How are you doing, sweetie??

Thanks y'all, for checking on me...

I did start what grew to be a HUGE, detailed update on Thursday night before it got wiped out thanks to Internet Explorer. (Argh! Don't you hate that?) But things further deteriorated on Friday morning, so oh well...

That's right -- things here are not going well in terms of reconciliation. While an abortion via RU486 supposedly happened on Saturday, Aug 18th (the truth of her pregnancy is very much in doubt however - her story is inconsistent & the facts, when she bothers to include any, don't match up), it turns out my adulterous husband is still in contact with via e-mail & phone/seeing his crazy (really -- she was institutionalized for a week at the beginning of July), home-wrecking whore. (Ouch - harsh these days, aren't I? Well, F*CK HIM, f*ck them both!) If that wasn't bad enough, his lies are now being told to "protect her" rather than "deflect his guilt"...in my interpretation of them. I'm fed up. And I have very little emotion left to expend on him... We'd been sharing our bed this whole time (though not having sex, despite my own wacko desire to do some major "hysterical bonding"), but I asked him to sleep elsewhere last night & don't foresee reversing my stand on that. I don't hold out much (any...?) hope that he'll make any real changes at all to save our marriage, even though he still says what he WANTS is to work it out, has begun taking anti-depressants, and is going to individual counseling.

Keeping in mind that as well as being a betrayed wife, I'm also a stay-at-home mom with 2 kids ages 2 & 4-1/2, who is 2 classes shy of a college degree that should have been completed years ago, and has not worked outside the home in almost 6 years...I have sought some professional advice. The highlights of that advice so far are:

1) take control of the finances (his job thus far, but one he's neglecting now)

2) stop "doing for him" at all (i.e. laundry - "have cake & eat it too" theory)

3) don't have intercourse (condones & forgives his pasts acts of adultery)

4) take care of/protect myself & my kids (even nice guys can turn nasty)

5) get solid proof of the adultery (for alimony purposes in case of divorce)

6) do not kick HIM out of the house (makes it harder to get alimony)

7) do not move out of the house myself (makes it harder to KEEP the house)

I have not seen a divorce lawyer as of yet, but I can't imagine (or perhaps "can no longer pretend") things are not heading in that direction...

On a warped & twisted but related note...I again fit into my wedding dress -- without the cinching undergarments on! My home scale says I've lost EIGHTY POUNDS since my surgery in February at 320#! I'd had a long-standing fantasy of re-proposing to my husband on a beach vacation the whole family is supposed to take at the end of this summer. My fantasy had us renewing our vows on our 10th anniversary at Christmastime, with me in my "altered smaller" wedding dress... At this rate, as completely implausible as it seems to my HEAD, I think I'll probably be down over 100 pounds by December! My goal weight was a number with a Normal BMI, which for my height ranges between 101-136, so I started out with 184-219 pounds to loose. I am so grateful for my LapBand because I am a major stress eater & just know I'd be up 80# at the end of this, rather than down that much without our tool!!

Zannie

It's good to hear from you, Zannie. I'm just sorry the news isn't better. I am really glad to hear you're getting some good advice regarding your home, what to do and not to do, etc. Unfortunately, at this point, the bottom line is you have to do whatever you must to protect yourself and your children.

Keeping you in my prayers!

Kelly

Kelly said it all---take care of you and the kids, and let the situation kind of take care of itself at this point. Make no concrete decisions, just concentrate on keeping life safe and healthy for you and the kids.

The weight loss is great!!! Gotta take your good news where you can get it right now!!!

Keep us posted, I'll be thinking of you!

Kat

I am very sorry that life is not going better for you, Zannie, but I think that it is a fine thing that you have received this very good and very practical advice. It sounds as though you are being realistic and have taken steps to empower yourself. You are being very wise in your approach to this painful situation. :huggie:

And big congratulations on your fabulous weight loss. :clap2:

Zannie

I am so sorry sweetie things are not going well, but everything happens for a reason. I think that it is obvious that he is a jerk since he is still talking to her. We are all here if you need us!

It sounds to me, you are wokring hard to get your life back in order. DO NOT let him get you off track!

Good luck!

Sorry, Zannie. Wish things were so different! Having been there, done that I would imagine that he will not fully realize the damage he is doing to himself until you and the kids are long gone....when it is much too late. You sound like a very intelligent woman and I am glad you are getting some professional advice as well. Please continue to take care of yourself....you're doing great.

Glad to hear from you Zannie, we were all wondering how you're doing.

The weight loss is going to help you be stronger and that's fantastic.

Honestly it sounds like your husband has been a very good thing in your life before all this. It is so easy for people to get off track and go their separate ways in a marriage, long before a real separation or divorce occurs. And it's really hard to get back on track and start down a new path together with common goals. It takes a whole lot of work and it isn't easy.

The psychologist who speaks at a meeting once a month for my bandster group says that if we stop communicating every day with our spouses and do not share most things that happen in our everyday lives, we are headed down separate paths in life and a split usually is in the horizon.

I hope that your husband will come to his senses and realize what he's risking, the loss of you and your marriage, and he will beg your forgiveness and make it his job to do everything in his power to make it up to you.

If that doesn't happen, you are an intelligent, strong woman and you will take care of yourself, for you and the children, and he will support you in getting your degree (or whatever path you want to take) and he will share totally in the responsibility of your children.

Again, I know how difficult this is right now and I think you're getting great advice about not moving out or making him move out. Plus not making any major life-altering decisions while all this turmoil about the other woman is going on. She's obviously unstable and there's no telling what she's done to get her hooks in him (we already know of one major thing she was willing to do, the pregnancy) and he's probably inwardly feeling very flattered that he has two women who he thinks love him.

So hang in there as best you can. Stay strong. And please know that we're all sure pulling for you with all our might!!

Thanks, y'all, really..... I can't imagine ever not feeling this betrayed... I'm hanging in there for my kids, but it would be so much easier to just crawl under the covers & sleep until the pain was gone. (Well, except for the whole not being able to sleep aspect...) Why does he not love me any more? That's what I keep asking myself... How fucked up it that? I rationally know it's about him & not about me...we've had our problems like any marriage, but I've always been open to working them out. But I just keep feeling that I somehow let him down -- let us all down. I swing from extreme anger, to extreme despair. Right now is a "despair" moment, so just ignore me!

I've got an appt. with my individual therapist tomorrow(Tue) afternoon, and I really liked her the one other time we've met (last Monday). But things have drastically changed since then!!!!!! And she has no clue. So it'll be interesting to see what she has to say about the latest developments that he's never stopped communication with the home-wrecking whore! He still wants to come on our family vacation this Saturday -- and I don't know how to explain his absence to the kids... There's an extra bedroom, so I'll probably "let" him come with us, but I would really prefer he just go someplace ELSE instead. Not with me & for Pete's sake NOT with HER!!!!

Oh, I don't know what my brain is thinking.........but thanks for listening!

Zannie

Zannie one thing I do know is that if he is not willing to stop every form of communication with her then he is not willing to fix the marriage with you. Your marriage can not work if he is still in contact with her. And you deserve much, much better.

It does sound like he wants you and the children. It is just that the whore has got him under some kind of spell. I think that it is a good move on your part to let him participate in the family vacation with you and the kids. It will drive the whore nuts! :heh: Anything which stops her from getting what she wants is a good thing in my opinion. Don't get mad, get even. :whoo:

BabyGirl, I know that.....I know I'm the only one fighting to save us -- 16 years of loving and friendship and family. I know that. But those thing still remain of value to me for whatever reason... I keep thinking about them.

And my husband is the most indecisive person I've eve met -- he's waiting for me to make this decision for him too, hand him an ultimatum & follow through when he still doesn't choose. Then he can blame me for the split because A) I gave him an ultimatum, and because I said GET OUT in the end -- all rather than him saying he's leaving.

I'm don't doing any thinking without my shrink -- and here I thought THEY were the crazy people!

You know Zannie, reading greens post, and remembering my own similar experience to yours, reminded me of just how much I did in that situation to spite the other woman...aka the whore!

My former MIL made a comment to me, about how hard it was to keep a man. It pissed me off! I set out then and there to get him back and keep him just to show her and the girlfriend, I could keep my man IF I wanted to!

In its own way it worked---at the time. The nicer I was - in order to convince him he really did want us, not her and the unborn baby- the more relaxed and happy he was with us (of course! I wasn't nagging and bitching like I wanted to!)--which in turn made the g/f major pissed off---so SHE was doing the nagging and bitching---and lets don't forget she was pregnant, and raging hormonally anyway! Before long, we were by far the preferred place to be. He was choosing to be with us, and avoiding her, as much as she would let him, in our case, they worked together.

We took a family vacation, we had a family portrait made---and I rubbed her nose in it. I can tell you--she was a screaming maniac, I am lucky she didn't shoot me or something!

Early one morning, his Dad come banging on the door, she was trying to call him, but he had taken the phone off the hook---and she was in labor. She called his parents, his Dad come and got him. He went to the hospital, saw his son. Come home, and proceeded to go through my DD's baby blankets and things, wanting to take some to the son! I went ballistic! I know the child was the innocent, but I'd be damned if I was helping clothe the child!

Then Thanksgiving Day we were at his Grandma's, and she tracked him down again---this was not an easy task, these were the days long before cell phones! She needed a ride home from the hospital, with the baby. He left. So did I. That was it, I saw my future... he could whine and bitch about how much he hated her and the situation, but it was his responsibility, she was always going to be calling, and interupting anything remotely involved with family. By the time he got done taking them home, and settling them in, and going to buy diapers, and formula, and all the things HE was going to be responsible for from then on---I had his stuff packed and sitting on the porch for him when he got back.

He left furious! He moved in with his parents, and lived with them, until he and the gf's second child was born! But when she was born, there was another on the way with yet another woman. He was, and continues to be a pathetic man!

Was it worth the attempt at reconcilliation? Yes I think it was, I can honestly say I gave it every chance. I did not make a rash decision, when the final moment came, it was with total clarity. I never looked back wishing for another chance. I wished often that he had been the man I had hoped he was, thought he was. But wished for him back the way he turned out being? Not a chance!

A couple years later, I had the chance ( I had many, many chances!!) to be the other woman---with him---he was now living with the gf. I come so close, to doing it for spite!!! Then decided I was better than that! They married, then divorced as well, but still occasionally when I see her---she acts so smug, I wish I had rubbed her nose in it a little more!!!

Maybe taking him on vacation, and the kids seeing him with his own room, and showing them a separation of sorts, would be a good begining to making them understand what may be in their future?

Wish I had a good answer!

Kat

It does sound like he wants you and the children. It is just that the whore has got him under some kind of spell. I think that it is a good move on your part to let him participate in the family vacation with you and the kids. It will drive the whore nuts! :heh: Anything which stops her from getting what she wants is a good thing in my opinion. Don't get mad, get even. :whoo:

Green -- you ought to read the e-mails -- she's a manipulative bitch. And That's not just the scorned wife saying it -- these e-mails are huge pitches - "fight for ME instead" - she's even asked him to marry her in one of them ====== she's still married (though supposedly separated from her husband)!!!!!! It's just the opposite of what you said about being the perfect lover because you didn't WANT attachment... She set out from the beginning to steal my husband for herself & despite his initial NOs, she kept coming on strong (using a different tactic)... And now that their lies & his betrayals are exposed, she's trying every trick in the book to keep him. His e-mails to her have said "I don't know you like this" and "I've never seen this side of you before" and "it scares me to hear you talk like that"..... She's pulling out all the stops & while he hasn't left home, and continues to tell her he doesn't intend to leave ME, he still hasn't cut it off with her...

Until she's out of the picture, what chance do I have? I don't know why, but I feel like if he could just shake her off & refocus HOME, then the choices we make would be OURS together to stay & fight or to let it go -- but right now the choices are a tug of war between the greener side where somebody else is mowing the grass & home where he's expected to do the yard work! Years & years of yard work are what he faces before home has a flowering garden again...

And I can't help but feel like owe it to everything I value in this world to fight... I'm just delusional, I guess...because I know this isn't a fight I can fight (let alone WIN) alone.