My worst fears within marriage have come true…adultery. I'll be banded 6-months next week and have lost 71 of 190 pounds so far. Almost exactly 4-months after my surgery in Feb 2007, when I was down 50 pounds from my highest/surgery weight of 320 & really starting to desire again, my husband of 9-½ years began cheating with a woman who’d recently begun flirting with him at work. (Details, if you want to read them because, apparently, I need to write them: I know the dates are correct & how it started because he allowed me to read the initial e-mails when I asked. She’s our age, recently separated herself, knew he was married with kids (2 & 4) & was still coming on strong via e-mail… He replied no thanks I could never do anything that would jeopardize my marriage or family when she offered sex, but she did not drop it at all. Now, I’m in no way making excuses for the inexcusable, but I have thought he’s been depressed for quite a long while before this & I’m sure he must have been flattered by the unsolicited, persistent attention. 14 days after the 1st e-mail they kissed; by 16 days of it, he’d become unfaithful for the 1st time in his life -- a “strictly sex” cheater, not using protection. And, well…there’s nothing you can do to erase from your marriage sex with someone other than your spouse. She worked in a different department & was fired for unrelated (& unknown to me) reasons about a week after the sex started. I guess he thought it would end with that, but couldn’t stop thinking about her. She stayed in touch with him & he convinced himself that it must be love if he felt that desperate about loosing this homewrecker, uh, I mean woman. The adultery became “an affair” worthy of the word obsession. He started cashing parts of his paycheck so there’d be no paper trail, bought a “for her” pre-paid cell phone, began “having really busy days” at work to explain not being at his desk & coming home late, taking extended lunches to see her, going to her before work, leaving home to run errands that were convenient excuses to see her, skipping out on family plans, completely detaching from me and from our kids, stopped paying the bills, mowing the lawn or doing anything at all for the house… I guess these are the usual things, but to me they were terrifying & I was very suspicious!About a month into it, after a discussion about plans for my birthday deteriorated into him saying he wasn’t sure he wanted to be married anymore, I called him on my suspicions. He denied adultery, but was late from work by over an hour the next night & I would not be put off any longer.) After I forced him to admit to the infidelity which went from mid-June right through July, he told me he wasn’t sure what to do – who he wanted to be with more. Trying to keep what I believed was/is his untreated depression in mind, and loving him more than I can ever say, I asked (okay, begged might not be too strong a word) him to choose us. We’ve invested over half of our lives in this relationship (started dating in high school 16 years ago & until now were each other’s only sexual partners); surely it isn’t over after a month & a half of sex with someone else! He said he didn’t want to leave, but didn’t know if he could stay. And by the end of the night he agreed to at least see a marriage counselor once. He saw the counselor alone & then we saw her together. The meeting seemed completely ineffective – nothing new said by either of us, and no tools to help us make it to the other side of this with our marriage in tact. But she did say he’s clinically depressed & he agreed to address that with additional, individual therapy. Later that night, he said that he was still very confused, but he wanted to stay with me & try working things out with marriage counseling. So at least I’ve got something to hold on to, but…

Here’s the thing… more than that my husband is/was screwing someone else (which I have plenty of issue with! :yell::censored::yell:), I have always feared that he withdrew from our sex life (which has been lacking of late & non-existent since my Banding 6 months ago) because I became too fat to be found attractive anymore. That his love for me would prove subjective & conditional even after all we’ve been to & meant for each other. (In fact, my 1st post at LBT was about that very thing.) Now, not only do I have that fear staring me in the face, but am forced to add to it that he’s been f*cking with great abandon a very thin woman who shares not one of my physical features! It’s all so new & so very raw… I don’t know how to go on, but I don’t want to give up on 16 years of being in love with my best friend, the father of my children, the only man I have ever loved!!! Despite this sickening, hurtful thing he's done to me, he really has always been a wonderful person and I can't give up hope yet that he still is...

I know the divorce rate for WLS patients is said to be something like 80%… I just never imagined that I’d be part of that statistic! Are there a lot of people in my situation – a faithful husband who starts to cheat only after huge changes have been made to improve the life, health, and appearance of his wife? Or is it that the WLS patient decides that a new life means new everything, spouse included?!? How can this be happening…? I’m so hurt and angry…and feel abandoned by the very person who vowed to love me forever, even if he has decided to try marriage counseling!!! And what do I do now to reconcile my own, pre-existing now reinforced insecurities about my appearance with the new realties of a marriage facing infidelity? I know this is a long & bumpy path I’ve chosen to take by giving him a 2nd chance, what I can’t figure out is what to do next!?!

Zannie

320-BMI 58.5/249 @ nearly 6-months/130-BMI 24

Hello,

I have been married 11 years and have never cheated. Our sex life has always been bad anyway,but I tried to not concentrate on that.

When I decided to have the band surgery, My wife said, Oh what are you going to do, Loose all your weight and go find someone else?

I did not respond, as I didn't want to go there.

During this journey of the band the past year or so, I received little to no support from her,and sex is a non factor.

I do not want a divorce as a child is involved and I would not want to ever spend a day without him.

So cheating has crossed my mind, After this long journey with the band with no love or support it does sound good.

Yeah, um ................... she's pregnant.

Numb, numb, numb...........

That's not fact yet! That is a tactic by her to play with his mind -- I bet he told her he needs to stop the affair - or something similiar!

Been there -- Stay strong!

OR.....she was pregnant when she snared him. Something's fishy.

I must confess that I find this pregnancy business, an issue which seems to invariably crop up in these infidelity stories, to be both weird and suspect. I am inclined to find it to be a cop out. The truth is that if both individuals are anxious not to be trapped by an unwanted pregnancy they can and will take care of business. In general, birth control does work. I was meticulous about this throughout my sexually active life. I had one failure when I was in my early 30s (I was in a stable relationship with a man who wanted to have children at the time) and I dealt with this by having an abortion.

It is possible to engage in sex without "accidentally" getting pregnant if both participants are willing to do the work. Accidents will happen and one did happen to me but, nevertheless, I am still of the opinion that few unwanted pregnancies happen by chance. This is why both men and women must engage in birth control practices independently of each other if this truly is of importance and this is why neither of them can rely upon their partner to take care of business.

We are inclined to think that it is women who trap men into relationships through these unwanted and unexpected pregnancies. In my case the ugly situation worked the other way around. Nevertheless, the message is the same: if you don't want to be hung up you will take care of business. Is that such a difficult lesson to learn?

I guess I want to say is that these adultery babies are in the way of a Freudian slip. These babies are planned accidents. I sure do feel for these children but not for those individuals who carelessly, selfishly, and thoughtlessly set about with setting their little lives into motion

WOW! I am so sorry for all of your trouble. I have been there pre banded actually many times with the same man. (yes, I took him back and hate me for it)

80% is the divorce rate for us??? The cards are starting to stack against me. But it would be a needed reprieve.

Just make sure you are doing what is best for you, that is all that matters is you and your kids. Screw him right now, it should be all about you!

One of the girls my h cheated with claimed to be pregnant, she wasn't. They do cry wolf.

Yeah, um ................... she's pregnant.

Numb, numb, numb...........

Wow!!!!!! I am so sorry that you have to live this kind of Hell right now. I have a few comments 1. The divorce rate is probably high for lap banders because we were in bad relationships which helped us to get fat in the first place. After losing the weight, we probably gained confidence which leads to wanting a happier life. 2.Since you have not had sex with your husband for 6 months since the lapband you need to get tested for every sexually transmitted disease, have a pap smear and ask for the HPV test, and also test for Hepatitis C. 3. He also needs to get tested including swabbing the inside of the penis for STD's 4.Do not jump Back into bed with him without a condom on. 5. If she was sleeping with your husband casually then she was probably sleeping with other guys casually. 6. She is probably lying about the baby so don't fret till you see proof and even then don't fret till paternity is proven 7. I hope this was a wake up call for him that the grass isn't greener on the other side because using his depression as an excuse to have an affair is pathetic. 8. Most of us are depressed, some go to therapy, some take meds, some gain weight but CHEATING IS A CHOICE. He thought it out enough to buy a cell phone for her and cash his check to spend money on her and take money away from your children. HE IS NOT A VICTIM. He might have BEEN a nice guy but the person he was and might still be is NOT such a nice guy.

I have a pretty crappy marriage so I am no one to councel you but it breaks my heart to hear you make a ton of excuses for him when he should be on his knees asking you for forgiveness. You are supporting him through this when he should be supporting you. And he still admits he misses the other woman. That is like hitting you with his car and backing up to hit you again. I hope you find a lot of good friends and a great therapist to help YOU through this situation and if YOU DECIDE ( not him) to Stay in the marriage I hope he realizes what a wonderful person you truly are.

All My Prayers To You and Your Children,

Cheryl

Really great post, lepez!

And Green, you made some excellent points!

CHEATING IS A CHOICE. He thought it out enough to buy a cell phone for her and cash his check to spend money on her and take money away from your children. HE IS NOT A VICTIM. He might have BEEN a nice guy but the person he was and might still be is NOT such a nice guy.

I have a pretty crappy marriage so I am no one to councel you but it breaks my heart to hear you make a ton of excuses for him when he should be on his knees asking you for forgiveness. You are supporting him through this when he should be supporting you. And he still admits he misses the other woman. That is like hitting you with his car and backing up to hit you again. I hope you find a lot of good friends and a great therapist to help YOU through this situation and if YOU DECIDE ( not him) to Stay in the marriage I hope he realizes what a wonderful person you truly are.

BRILLIANTLY SAID!!!

Hello,

I have been married 11 years and have never cheated. Our sex life has always been bad anyway,but I tried to not concentrate on that.

When I decided to have the band surgery, My wife said, Oh what are you going to do, Loose all your weight and go find someone else?

I did not respond, as I didn't want to go there.

During this journey of the band the past year or so, I received little to no support from her,and sex is a non factor.

I do not want a divorce as a child is involved and I would not want to ever spend a day without him.

So cheating has crossed my mind, After this long journey with the band with no love or support it does sound good.

Just out of curiosity...why would you not try to concentrate on your sex life if your sex life is the element of your marriage that's always been bad? Okay - clearly I'm just focusing on the SEX part here -- we all know I'm skewed right now so what I say may not be worth all that much. But really...if she said that about loosing weight & then replacing her, I'm betting she WANTS to address your issues. (Not YOU your, but Y'ALL your.)

I know part of the problem with MY sex life has to do with a not-meant-to-be hurtful comment before we were even married...and my knee-jerk reaction to it. This happened 4-months after our engagement when he found out his dad was cheating on his mom. At a time when he needed to know there was more to US than just sex & friendship before we got married, he said he thought we should stop having sex until our wedding night. I couldn't believe my ears & felt crushed as a woman, & changed the locks to my apartment. He didn't understand why I was so upset & I didn't understand how our not having sex was going to solve his issues with his dad's adultery!!! We "made up" but I didn't insist that we keep having sex! He took my silence as agreement & thought all was fine. Well, I still felt totally rejected sexually, and completely stopped "taking my turn" as the aggressor in our physical relationship even after we married a year later. If he wasn't wanting it, I wasn't gonna force it on him!! As a result, he felt I'd withdrawn from HIM sexually. But I thought he was withdrawing from me... It was one of those "what we have here is Failure To Communicate" moments & the impact of it has lasted all these years. Even after talking about it numerous times & with both of us fully understanding what the other was thinking at the time, it remains the underlying issue in our sex life.

If you are content not to discuss your "bad" sex life with your wife, and knowing how emotional sex is for (most) women, I'd wager that she thinks you don't want her in all sorts of ways - not just sexually. It's hard to show support & love to someone whom you aren't sure is actually IN your relationship!!! And if she actually expressed worry (even if it was phrased as a joke) that you'd leave her after loosing your weight, I'm guessing she's scared stiff that you'll do exactly that!! Why would she want to encourage you to do the thing she fears will become the end of your marriage, even if not giving you support is subconscious for her?!?

I don't know your wife, or the status of your marriage in other areas, but I do know I wanted to talk to someone professionally about our sex life years ago & could never bring myself to ask my husband if he was interested. (Fearing that he wouldn't be because he actually didn't want me!!) I should have done. Not that it would have stopped this infidelity (because it was a choice & I am NOT letting him off the hook for making it), but because I would know now that I'd done EVERYTHING I could have done to work on our marriage BEFORE this betrayal ever happened. Talk to your wife...just a thought!

Zannie

I've noticed that there is a fairly common therapy for couples who have hit an impasse with regard to their sex life. It is suggested that the first step after openly discussing the situation is for the couple to spend some time just hugging, no sex, and no pressure from either person to have sex for a period of several days or weeks.

Once two people have disconnected physically, it is very difficult for them to reconnect even once the original (and/or existing) reasons for the disconnect are brought out into the open. That's why counseling is helpful during the process. Sometimes it takes a third unbiased person to help two people figure out what actually got them to the point where one of them or both of them is uncomfortable with, or turned off to, the idea of having sex. There is usually a lot of anger and hurt that need to be dealt with.

Getting the emotional problems out of the way is, of course, the first step. The second step is that trust must be established between the couple and during that process, the act of physically touching one another without the ultimate goal of having sex is very important.

Anyone else ever heard of this approach?

Cheryl -- I agree with so much of what you said in your post! Since so many of y'all do to, I think I’ll try to reply directly to it!

1. The divorce rate is probably high for lap banders because we were in bad relationships which helped us to get fat in the first place. After losing the weight, we probably gained confidence which leads to wanting a happier life.

I hate to exercise -- always have. I was never "thin" -- we met in Jr. high (size 12), started dating when I was 16 (size 14), ended things tearfully to go to separate colleges (size 16), realized long distance was better than apart a couple of years later (size 18), married at 23 (size 22), had our 1st child after 2 years of infertility treatment at 28 (size 28) & our 2nd at 30 (size 30)... My point is that I gain about 10 lb. a year, and always have... That wasn't the fault of a bad marriage! Now, not that it problems in any area HELP -- I am an admitted stress-eater, but I don't now & never have blamed my weight on my marriage. Hmmmm...but maybe I should....something to think about! :biggrin1:

2.Since you have not had sex with your husband for 6 months since the lapband you need to get tested for every sexually transmitted disease, have a pap smear and ask for the HPV test, and also test for Hepatitis C. 3. He also needs to get tested including swabbing the inside of the penis for STD's 4.Do not jump Back into bed with him without a condom on.

I hear you, Sister! Frankly, I hadn't thought about having me tested again (routine during pregnancy, so had tests in '04) -- damn good idea. But I did insist he get tested right away, and will insist again in 6 months for a 2nd HIV, presuming we're still together then. We just went together to our family doctor on Friday & the results should be back mid-week. And while sex with HER might have been unprotected, it shall not be with me for quite a long while.

5. If she was sleeping with your husband casually then she was probably sleeping with other guys casually.

I hear you there, too... I SO AGREE!!! Of course, I don't know her & just don't understand that she's not that kind of person... Yada, yada, yada.:rolleyes

6. She is probably lying about the baby so don't fret till you see proof and even then don't fret till paternity is proven

I insisted he call her to find out if she was pregnant. My MIL (his MOM) says that was a huge mistake on my part. Giving her ready access to the oldest trick in the book & all... I feel better with it out there than lurking for a few more weeks when abortion wouldn't be an option. Even if it isn't true...had she tried the lie when the choice wasn't there to terminate, what kind of guilt trip could she have pulled THEN!! Really...at least now he's saying to end it as they, in hypothetical, had agreed. (For the record, the "fact" that she's pregnant has him petrified & not looking to leave home, at least that's what he tells me.)

7. I hope this was a wake up call for him that the grass isn't greener on the other side because using his depression as an excuse to have an affair is pathetic.

He's not saying he's depressed -- I AM!!! Saying he's been depressed for a while, that is... Chronic depression for over 2 years, in my totally untrained opinion. He's not at all saying I'm so depressed therefore I had an affair. He's "just going along with" the medication because he's counselor suggested he be on something -- isn't even sure he believes that he is depressed, but is just trying to do the right thing! I have felt for quite a while an explosion coming, I just didn't know what would blow!!! I'm pretty much justifying (to myself ) that the "explosion" came in the form of sex, but that it could have been anything -- getting fired, loosing our house, a heart attack -- you name it. He's just given up caring about so many other things in his life that I guess I feel like I should have expected "our marriage" to be one of them, too!

8. Most of us are depressed, some go to therapy, some take meds, some gain weight but CHEATING IS A CHOICE. He thought it out enough to buy a cell phone for her and cash his check to spend money on her and take money away from your children.

Yeah, well...see, I have TONS of unaddressed issues with the actual adultery part here that I really need to vent out if we're gonna make this work. I can't believe how hard it's been to actually START therapy. :mad:We had one "crisis management" session together at a place that didn't even take our insurance. He's had 3 "solo" sessions, but finding a doc for ME to see within our provider network has been insanely crazy! My 1st "solo" appointment is Monday. We still don't have a 2nd "joint" appointment on the books... I'm going nuts here!!!!!! And venting to all of you at LBT!

HE IS NOT A VICTIM. He might have BEEN a nice guy but the person he was and might still be is NOT such a nice guy.

You're right that he's acting like a victim -- saying "how could this have happened to me" rather than "how could I have done this" even now. I call him on it every single time. I also say to call it what it is: adultery, not "an affair" (which has all sorts of positive connotations, really...a grand affair for 500 guests, a small catered affair, a new love affair -- and nothing about THIS is POSITVE for me, thank you very much!) I am holding on to hope that with treatment for his depression, MY husband will begin to replace the pod person I've been living with for the last couple of years... HIM I love more than I can begin to say, and HE is worth fighting for. This guy, well...I could do without him, and I will (:think) if there aren't real changes made. I just don't know quite what to do with myself in the mean time...ya know?

And he still admits he misses the other woman. That is like hitting you with his car and backing up to hit you again.

I do bring that on myself, I admit. I ASK!!!! I've ASKED for all the details that I do know...and he's told me what I've asked to know. I'd rather be socked in the nose than sucker punched from behind, or something like that. See it coming, know where I stand...one of those cliché. Otherwise I can totally see my thinking we're on the same page here; he's over it & her, and we're moving forward together -- which is what I want to be true, after all. And then he comes to the realization that he's never gonna get over her & our marriage just isn't worth the effort to save it. Or whatever. Again, full disclosure & total transparency so I can see the road ahead, as much as possible in this sort of situation!! My best friend says it's fodder for self-flagellation, but some how it's helping me -- keeping me grounded and not deluded. Perhaps the shrink will tell me differently on Monday, but for now I can't help but ASK!!!!

I know I'm trying to keep our marriage together, and that in wanting that I'm drawing out the hurt... I get plenty angry but what do I do with that anger in the context of keeping my family whole?

I really do appreciate all of you reading my shit! And that you give constructive, objective (or as much as can be without HIS side of the story) feedback is really helping me get through this day by day. I have a wonderful, close family & my best friend in the world who I know are here for me completely (love you!)... But how much TAKE, TAKE, TAKE can I ask of them?!? And there's a lot more of it still to come, I know!! Anyhow -- thanks for lending the ears & shoulders, virtual though they may be!

Zannie

Zannie -

I haven't been exactly in your situation, but real close, so I do feel I have some experience in this regard...not just throwing out cliche popular 'wisdom'.

I think you sound like a very intelligent woman with her head on real straight. I commend you for your attitude about this whole thing and fighting to keep your marriage together...it sounds like it is worth fighting for. The fact that he is forthcoming with answers to your painful questions, that he is going to the doctor and therapists, etc. tells me he is highly motivated to stay and work on it. He made a horrible mistake....many mistakes....but he is human. His transgressions may or may not be forgivable, you will see in time. But you are at least giving it a try and that is HUGE. In the meantime, while you are waiting for your therapy to kick in I would ask one of the therapist's for some suggested reading for you....go to the library or bookstore and load up. It could be very helpful for you while you are sitting there pinging like a pinball wondering "what to do".

I wish you the best of luck, of course. Perhaps this will be a cathartic experience for both of you and in years to come, no matter what the outcome, you will realize it contributed to your growth. The most important thing is to not let it destroy YOU. That happened to my cousin who also used to be my best friend. It's been 11 years since her husband cheated and she was such a raving bitch about it that it simply HAD to end in divorce. No amount of restitution would have satisfied her. 11 years later she IS STILL RAVING to the point that every single conversation we have always circles around to him and how idiotic and horrible he is....to the point where I long ago had ENOUGH. Her whole existence revolves around her bitterness and her spirit is dead. DO NOT let this happen to you. Whether you stay in the marriage or not, FIND A WAY TO MOVE ON (eventually). It is imperative.

During times like these I like to imagine my guardian angels with their wings wrapped tightly around me. I wish that for you. Be well.

Terridoodle: Your third paragraph is very powerful. I have known several women who have become so bitter about their unfaithful spouse that not only do they lose their spouse, but they also lose their friends and sometimes even the love and respect of their children. It is very important that we go through the process of figuring out what we need for ourselves after spending so much time invested in someone who became unfaithful. But we need self-respect, but we don't need to become self-centered, hateful human beings. I'm glad you brought this potential side effect, profound bitterness over having a cheating spouse, into the discussion.

My comments concerning infidelity may well be unpopular and unwanted but I feel that I may as well wade into this topic. I do believe that people are unfaithful for many, many reasons. While it is true that some individuals may be shallow, careless of the feelings of those close to them, and greedy for sexual experiences, most individuals engage in outside relationships for any number of other reasons.

I have known at least two men who had chosen to fool around on their mates because they were sexually inexperienced when they first fell in love and settled down. After some number of years their sense of having missed out on a vital "masculine" part of life began to grind these men down. In one case the wife, my good friend, sent her husband over to seduce me while she was out of town. At the time I was a single woman and according to her husband, once he confessed all, they figured that my friendship was expendable.

I had, while I was single, had a few sexual relationships with married men. To tell the truth, I was the perfect "other woman." This is because I was happy with my lifestyle and had no desire to steal anyone's mate. Because I was alert and interested as to what was going on with these men, I learned that these were individuals who deeply loved their wives and kids. Much of what constituted these adulterous affairs consisted of friendship and psychotherapy. Indeed, I really did feel like a sex therapist. There was only one instance where the individual wanted to jump ship in order to live with me, something which I was absolutely against. Ugh!! for me because I had no desire to settle down.

In all other cases the adulterer was profoundly attached to his mate and to his family. I found this deeply touching and this is why I would be unable to cast my mate adrift if I were to learn that he had been sexually unfaithful even though I would be left feeling terribly hurt and jealous on the short term.

What many people don't understand is that people are often unfaithful for reasons which have everything to do with their own private issues, pains, and insecurities: infidelities of this nature may have nothing at all to do with you. Please listen to me: I have been both the wife and the other woman. At the moment I am a wife and have been for the past 22 years. I tell you this because I would like you to know that I am not biased in either direction.