Skinny spouses

[daizymom 62]

My spouse doesn't want me to have surgery- I can't say that he isn't supportive, but he doesn't understand at all and he's seen me lose weight so he knows I can. He doesn't realize how hard it is for me every time I gain it back. He is 5'10" and weighs 165 post vacation. He's never had a weight problem. So he keeps telling me I can lose weight without the surgery. I already have a job outside the home and am not lacking in confidence for the most part but I really do worry about how he will be after I lose all the weight- I've never been "skinny". When we got married I weighed 210 lbs, and now I'm 280 lbs... I've managed to get down to 220 lbs a couple of times, but never been able to keep it off. I think the reason he doesn't want me to have surgery is that he's worried about the safety of it.... I'm hoping he will come with me to some of my appointments.

My friends and family on the other hand have been completely supportive. I have 3 very close friends who are totally supportive, and several other close friends that are also very supportive. My parents and sister have all volunteered to come with me to the appointments, and my mom said she would help out after the surgery.

I guess I just worry about the impact that the surgery will have on our relationship. I'm hoping it will be better, but I don't know. I'm definitely going through with it no matter what though.

[needtorecover 574]

He's probably worried about you and doesn't understand what it's like to be morbidly obese so my guess is he views this as unnecessary elective surgery and too extreme for your circumstances. It's understandable if you've never had a weight problem. I'd frame it to him as being worried about your health, feeling like your weight is out of your control, and wanting to make a positive change so you can do more things with your family and have more energy.

Take him with you to your orientation so he can learn more about it. Having three kids he's probably worried if something were to happen to you over what he believes may just be a cosmetic and easily fixed problem. Surgery is scary. But there is plenty of proof that you'd live a longer, healthier life at a lower weight and surgery is the most effective treatment of morbid obesity.

Why are you worried about your relationship after losing weight? I've told my partner that things will be better because I'll have more energy to do stuff with her and our son. I'll be able to keep up and play sports better, hike faster, won't be as afraid of flying out of a Water slide (it's a legit fear when you're very heavy and the inertia from your weight catapults you faster than you'd expect), will fit in roller coasters better... I eat less so she gets more of my food if she wants it. I share my food with our son because I can't eat it all. I used to be really grumpy about sharing my favorite foods (fat girl problems) but now I'm not at all because I get full easily. It's a weird benefit but there you go.

If you make it sound like he's going to benefit from having a lighter weight spouse he may hop on board with your plan more readily just make sure he knows you take doctor's orders seriously and that you're going to take care of yourself and make sure you're prepared so the surgery is as safe as possible.

[jjmama 184]

My husband is the same. 6'2 and 150 lbs and has never had this struggle and just doesn't understand. He wasn't very interested in me getting the surgery either. He was worried about how it would effect my health. He couldn't go to any of my appointments with me, but I shared all the information with me and let him know the very small percent of people that died or had complications and that helped him feel better about it. I'm a little over 10 months out and 142 lbs down and it hasn't had a negative effect on our relationship. He likes that we can do so much more and that I'm happier and more comfortable with my body. He has been supportive, except for the occasional treats he brings home. I made the decision for me and my body and health and I think my confidence in that decision has helped him feel better about it.

[BestDayEver 418]

My husband was apprehensive too because he feared I would be unhappy or have complications. I just assured him that I really needed this help with losing weight and he's been very supportive. It's been nearly 11 months since surgery and he really enjoys the healthy meals I prepare and the fact that I'm a much healthier person. If anything, it's made him worry about his own fitness.

I just had to proceed with what I knew was right for me and let him come to terms with his own issues. I have no regrets.

[daizymom 62]

I've heard other people say that it affected their marriage negatively, but in all honesty, I can't see how it would for us. @@BestDayEver I have to do what you did. I know this is right for me and for my health, and I'm sure that he will love having a healthier thinner wife. He will just have to deal with his own issues.

[TipTop in TX 81]

My husband was not on board witih me having the surgery either. We have both gained weight over the 12 years of our marriage, so he is overweight too. His biggest concern was possiblity of death or complications because he thought of this as an "elective surgery." My BMI was 39 and he felt we could "work on it." I told him we had been working on it for 9 years without appreciable results.

We had A LOT of talks about it and he was not budging. I finally told him point blank how unhappy I was with my weight, my health, my joint and back aches. I could not climb the stairs in my house without feeling winded. My body felt older than my insides.

I told him this was something I needed to do for me and I hoped he would be supportive. Honestly, I think in his head he was also remembering Kanye West's mother dying after her plastic surgery. I told him that she had contraindications and did not stay in the hospital to be monitored and this was a different situation.

After months of talking, I told him I was going to have it done. He has been the supportive, loving husband he always been since that time. I am 2 weeks post op and he has been so sweet. I think if you already have a loving husbands/spouse/partner, they will rise to the occassion and support you.

[daizymom 62]

@ Yes I do - thank you. Sometimes we just need to be reminded.

[Valentina 2,642]

Be careful! Be very careful and mindful.

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Please​ , do NOT just leave him to "deal with his own issues".

My S.O. was non-supportive, and afraid for me to have my sleeve surgery. I followed others' advice and went ahead and had my surgery without first making sure that he was at least comfortable with it.

He committed suicide while I was having my surgery.

PLEASE, take all the time needed to ensure that your main support person is in a "safe place" about your WLS journey.

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[daizymom 62]

Oh my goodness. I'm so sorry for your loss. I will be.

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