Trying not to be angry

[salmon77 25]

Every since I was around 12 years old, my mother has been harsh about my body and the way I look. I remember her making comments like "do you want to be as big as a house" and "you're a fat pig". I was not a large child. At 13 i weighed 125. I remember my mom lecturing me on the way out of the doctor's office saying that is an adult weight and is need to be careful. My mom is very thin and does not understand how badly these comments have messed with my mind. Even present day, she was one of the people who wanted me to get this surgery. I am glad I went through with it. I'm only 2 weeks in and very emotional. My mother is continuing to not be supportive. How do I tell her off without sounding bitter or jealous? In fact how would you handle anyone who makes inappropriate comments about your weight. I'm finding it is hard to block them out.

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[Pillar2butterfly 391]

I am so sorry you are going through this. That sucks. But, let me get this straight...she gave negativity before you became overweight...then when you are overweight she wanted you to get the surgery...yet she still is not supportive when you do?

One the things I have found out in life is people suck and unfortunately, a lot of those people are relatives. Aside from not confiding in her, live on a need to know basis when it comes to your WLS journey. Ask her if she can't be supportive and positive about this then to keep her comments to herself. Another thing I have learned in life, is you can't expect change if you are not willing to do something about it. Tell her how you feel. If she still does it, shut her out of that part of your life.

[SassyNanny 311]

My Mom was always tiny. I had a body not like hers. At some point I told her that the friends and daughter who love me don't ever mention my size. I told her I would appreciate it if she wouldn't either. A year or so later I lost 40 lbs and when I visited she never mentioned it. My daughter reminded me that I told her not to talk about my weight. Lol. Just remember that.

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Edited March 3, 2016 by SassyNanny

[needtorecover 574]

Whether you're thin or heavy, you should have the emotional IQ to understand "you're a fat pig" would be a hurtful statement.

At this stage, you need to protect yourself and your health. If your mom isn't doing anything to help or be supportive, you need to ask her to give you space. Do you have a spouse or friends you can lean on in the meantime?

For some reason, in our society it's okay to comment on someone's weight/size without recrimination because we made the "choice" to be obese. Our culture is very heavy-handed on personal responsibility. If anyone is commenting on your weight or size, you should call them out on it and tell them it's inappropriate. Conversations about your health and your weight are between you and your doctor, no one else.

Personally, I just stopped communicating with people who were nasty to me because of my weight. It's none of their business, and they can't run their mouths if they're not around me. I know it's harder with this being your mom but I'd just not discuss it with her at all if she can't control what she says.

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

Your mom is a bitch.

Truly sorry.

[MIMISAN 404]

I was the 3rd child and 3rd daughter to a beautiful mother. She was no DIVA but she was/is beautiful. Unfortunately the first 2 daughters took after mother and I took after my dads side that wasn't so beautiful. I was just nothing that my mom was use to dealing with or that she really related to looks wise. By the time I was 12 I was wearing her clothes at 15 I was a size larger and bustier. I had straight hair and I was bigger boned and not delicate, they were smaller, more petite and mom could relate to them. I wasn't fat as a teenager but due to the constant comparison I felt to my sisters I FELT FAT. At 16 I was 36-26-35 .But felt ugly and huge.

In reality mom was never intentionally nasty to me, I don't know that she made me feel bad on purpose but she didn't know how to comfort me when I approached her with body issues because to her I was bigger. What I needed was for her to say, your right you are nothing like me or your sisters but your beautiful in different way. Even if she lied convincingly that's what I needed to hear. Unfortunately no one has ever told me that and partially because I am not beautiful, but it would be nice for someone to say I was beautiful in a way that I truly felt they meant it.

I am sure she didn't realize the importance of certain phrases or lack of certain words or realize they played a part in the person I became, just as I didn't realize how some things I said and did to my kids may affect them.

That's the interesting thing about life - some of us have to learn the hard way and by the time we learn it feels like we missed out, but I have learned and I intend to enjoy the rest of my life with Zest, humor and love.

Just realize you are the only person you can really control so enjoy who you are and people that emotionally support you.

[Miss Mac 6,261]

One thing that you will find out about bariatric surgery, is that it not only facilitates losing weight - it will make you stronger emotionally. Your relationships will morph as you become someone that your people don't know.

Give your Mom a steak knife and ask her to stab you in the back. Hopefully she won't, but maybe she could make the connection that her words cause damage and hurt just as much.

Hugs from Chicago.

[MIMISAN 404]

@@Miss Mac I love that idea! (but I wouldn't try that if there was any chance)

[salmon77 25]

Thank you all for your advice.

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[salmon77 25]

I was the 3rd child and 3rd daughter to a beautiful mother. She was no DIVA but she was/is beautiful. Unfortunately the first 2 daughters took after mother and I took after my dads side that wasn't so beautiful. I was just nothing that my mom was use to dealing with or that she really related to looks wise. By the time I was 12 I was wearing her clothes at 15 I was a size larger and bustier. I had straight hair and I was bigger boned and not delicate, they were smaller, more petite and mom could relate to them. I wasn't fat as a teenager but due to the constant comparison I felt to my sisters I FELT FAT. At 16 I was 36-26-35 .But felt ugly and huge.

In reality mom was never intentionally nasty to me, I don't know that she made me feel bad on purpose but she didn't know how to comfort me when I approached her with body issues because to her I was bigger. What I needed was for her to say, your right you are nothing like me or your sisters but your beautiful in different way. Even if she lied convincingly that's what I needed to hear. Unfortunately no one has ever told me that and partially because I am not beautiful, but it would be nice for someone to say I was beautiful in a way that I truly felt they meant it.

I am sure she didn't realize the importance of certain phrases or lack of certain words or realize they played a part in the person I became, just as I didn't realize how some things I said and did to my kids may affect them.

That's the interesting thing about life - some of us have to learn the hard way and by the time we learn it feels like we missed out, but I have learned and I intend to enjoy the rest of my life with Zest, humor and love.

Just realize you are the only person you can really control so enjoy who you are and people that emotionally support you.

This is very true. I don't think she has any idea how badly she hurt me or how long I carried those words.

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[salmon77 25]

I am so sorry you are going through this. That sucks. But, let me get this straight...she gave negativity before you became overweight...then when you are overweight she wanted you to get the surgery...yet she still is not supportive when you do?

One the things I have found out in life is people suck and unfortunately, a lot of those people are relatives. Aside from not confiding in her, live on a need to know basis when it comes to your WLS journey. Ask her if she can't be supportive and positive about this then to keep her comments to herself. Another thing I have learned in life, is you can't expect change if you are not willing to do something about it. Tell her how you feel. If she still does it, shut her out of that part of your life.

I think I do need to just distance myself. And yes this all happened before I was heavy. It was almost like reversed psychology. I snuck all the food I ate and became what she always told me I would be. Ironic huh?

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[Valentina 2,642]

Have a private tea party. Hold one of your mother's hands. Look her directly in the eye and say,

"Mom, I love you and always will. I am your daughter and couldn't be more proud to be so. I know that you and I both realize that I am obese and being so is unhealthy and I hurt from all of this excess weight. I don't need any reminders of my weight or remarks about it publicly or even in private. I need and yearn for your support and encouragement. I crave your acceptance. Your daughter is in pain, Mom. I want to feel the comfort of your arms around me whether physically or as memory of the safe haven within your arms. Please, Mom. I love you and always will".

She's the only mother you will ever have. Do NOT take that fact lightly. Don't be the woman standing at a headstone saying to yourself, "if only...".

Work it out. Explain yourself and your feelings. Share with her what you need. Tell you that you're in pain and need your mother. We are never so old that we couldn't use a little "mothering" from time to time.

[Oregondaisy 2,019]

I finally told my mom not to say anything to me that she would not say to one of her friends. She had this idea that because I was her daughter, it was okay to hurt my feelings. If she said anything which hurt my feelings, I said, "Mom would you say that to _________"(her friend)

[lisacaron 5,075]

@@salmon77 sadly too many of us are familiar with how you are feeling. Words bite and the emotional toll they take on us through out our lives is great.

My mother was a heavy woman, I never knew her to be slim figured. She was always obsessed with her weight and eating. I was a very thin child, and I hated to eat. In fact Breakfast lunch and dinner times were often the worst times of the day for me. They always involved some kind of argument about me not wanting to eat or not finishing the food on my plate. All of these things and more created scars in my emotional psyche.

My mother died when I was 26 years old from a brain tumor. I don't think she ever realized how damaged she was as a person when it related to her own sense of self esteem and self worth, and how she pushed her issues onto me. As I grew up those words and deeds stuck in my mind and in my head, and soon I was battling my own demons.

I was the overweight mother calling her 10 year old son Super Chunk! Telling him he was fat and lazy and he needed to get up off his duff and move or he was going to be fat as a house! My middle son was overweight as young boy, but OMG did I just say those things to him and when did I turn into my mother?!

Right there I caught myself and put a stop to that! If I had to be like my mother let me find the good things about her and not the negative ones. My children didn't need to have my issues revisited upon them.

When I reflect on life, I can clearly see how I became overweight, how I became obese and why. I know we all blame our parents...but in this mine have some responsibility because they were never evolved enough to see that their issues weren't mine it was theirs.

Thankfully I was able to break that cycle and while my older son's battle the bulge they do so in a healthy way. They are slightly overweight but they are not obese and when they find their pants are a bit snug they know they need to cut back on the overindulgence rein it in and get a bit more active. They keep a balance to life I still struggle to find with my own, but I do have peace of mind that my struggle is mine and I didn't whip them into obesity with it.

[butterfly23 423]

@@salmon77 thanks for sharing. Having that kind of negativity when you are making such huge changes is challenging, glad you reached out for support. I have had similar experiences and have two things to share from my perspective:

WLS and the subsequent weight loss has a huge emotional component (hormone dump) so please be kind to yourself, and allow yourself to be angry if it comes up (which I think anyone would with your mom's harsh words). This is a time to really focus on you and nurture yourself - especially as it seems you will not get it from your mom. Feeling the anger and then letting go (through writing, talking with friends, posting here, etc) will serve you much better than pushing it down.

Second, weight loss is just one part of this process - the rest is us figuring out how to heal and deal with the issues that contributed to our needing WLS in the first place. By doing this, I have found I am stronger and more resilient to what others say/do/think. Is your family history and mom's judgment any part of what you need to work on? If so, the work you do will either encourage you to talk with her, get more space from her or find a way to let her stuff slide off you. No matter what - you will be stronger and healthier because of your work despite what she does and doesn't do or say.

Sorry for the long post - I was really feeling you this morning and wish you the best in dealing with her and any other challenges you have as you discover what you need to thrive. This work is hard enough without those close to us making it harder!