Significant Other Support

[Backer16 4]

Hi everyone,

My wife will be getting a sleeve this year. For those of you that have gone through this or are going through it. What do you wish your significant other knew or did to support you? What did they do or what did you wish they did to make this easier for you. I want to be there for her every step of the way but she seems to have a hard time talking about feelings and what she needs. I'm a man not a mind reader. So i'm hoping you can help me to understand what she may need and what she will be going through. I know this can be different for everyone, but any insight will help. I hope.

Thanks!

[dhrguru 1,238]

Kudos to you for WANTING to be a support!!! Biggest gripe I have with my spouse is y weight loss is the "elephant in the room". He NEVER talk about it, comments, compliments etc. I don't want to seem self absorbed so I avoid initiating conversation with him. I have on two occasions when I couldn't contain excitement on milestones--- however, his response was lackluster.

I think there are specific things she needs to be able to voice if she needs them from you (IE if she needs you to prepare your own meals while she gets a handle on what she can/can't eat). A vacation to Vegas post-op (which caused arguments with my husband who I thought was being insensitive) taught me a valuable lesson-- I am responsible for planning what i need nutrition wise for the rest of my life. I chose this surgery and can't blame anyone else for not getting what i need, i'm perfectly capable of getting those things myself, Her surgery can't become your burden.

My thoughts: Celebrate her effort and success with her. Encourage her, and if you wish and she wants to, join her for exercise. Don't instruct her-- she's gotta figure out what works for her on her own.

And respect the fact she may not want to share the details of her surgery with anyone-- its her story to tell-- not yours!

[JamieLogical 8,684]

First of all, I want to commend you on coming here for advice. You are clearly invested in your wife's happiness and success and that is awesome!

My husband didn't think I should have the surgery, so pre-op it was a little rough. We didn't argue at all, but it meant I was unable to talk to him about my worries and concerns or share a lot of my excitement with him. Post-op, he was amazing in terms of supporting me and taking care of me and he has adapted well to my new way of eating. He has definitely come around to seeing that I was right and the surgery really was the best choice for me.

Anyway, back to your question, I think just being there for her will go a long way towards helping her. Find out as much as you can and try to share in her excitement. Talk with her about how great things will be once she is happy and healthy. Make plans about the fun things you'll be able to do together.

During the pre-op diet, if she has one, try to be sensitive to the fact that she can't eat much. Don't eat her favorite foods in front of her. Try to keep foods she can't eat out of the house.

Once she is sleeved, the first few weeks will be very rough. She'll likely be in some level of pain or discomfort. She'll be very tired. She'll be frustrated. And she might go through some "buyer's remorse", lamenting her decision to have the surgery. She may also have some pretty violent hormonal swings, because fat stores hormones and they'll get released back into her system as the fat breaks down. So be patient with her. Don't take it personally if she lashed out or is moody. And, again, be sensitive to the fact that she will likely be experiencing a lot of "head hunger", so don't eat foods she loves in front of her.

It will get easier day by day in those early weeks. Once she is back on solid foods, you can kind of get back to a "normal" life. My husband and I eat dinner together every day and I eat the same things he does, minus the sides or starches. So if he makes meatloaf and potatoes, I just eat the meatloaf. If he makes Pasta and sausage, I just eat the sausage. If he makes chicken and rice, I just eat the chicken. You get the idea. So we really have a lot of the same "meals" together as we did before.

[JamieLogical 8,684]

Oh, I almost forgot! Even though you should do a lot of research on your own and understand all that VSG entails, DO NOT be her nanny. Don't harp on her about what she should and shouldn't be doing post-op. If she's missing her Vitamins regularly, you might mention something, but if she breaks a "rule" here or there by eating something she "shouldn't" or whatever, don't jump all over her.

[lisacaron 5,075]

@@Backer16 You Rock!!! Good looking out and great support!! I wish you all the best as you both move forward on your journey.

[jane13 2,256]

@@Backer16 - shes a lucky girl!

I concur with @@dhrguru its her journey. Celebrate, encourage, don't instruct and don't let her journey "become your burden"!

[A New KK 104]

My husband went to the hospital with me and stayed through the night. When the neck and shoulder pains came from the buildup of gas in the intestinal track, he would rub my back until I burped and the gas released. You will never know how much comfort that gave me. He also was there to make sure that I got to my room after recovery because the hospital was in no rush to move me (8 hours). He made sure when the doctor said I could try Clear liquids that I got Water. He took care of the things I didn't have energy to do. He got the presciptons filled before we left the hospital. Once home he prepared clear broth and liquids for a couple of days until I felt up to doing it myself (I had a hiatal hernia repair and gallbladder removed at the same time I was sleeved). Now 6 weeks post op he listens to me, as I've had remorse like everyone else. He doesn't complain hearing me moan about the scale not moving ( in fact he finally convinced me to stop weighing daily). Another thing, he notices the changes in my body and compliments me when I can fit into something new; he doesn't make a big fuss (he would rarely say anything before surgery - except when he thought I'd dress too matronly). I guess what I'm saying, and it sounds like you're willing, is to not push, let her ask for what she needs and just be supportive in any way you can. I am so grateful for my husband throughout this journey.

[goblue9280 481]

First, read up and educate yourself on everything. Focus on the hospital stay and the week after, as she will need your help most during that time. Having my wife in the hospital with me (even though I was only there overnight) was a huge relief. She is an RN, so she took charge of my care and was not afraid to question the nurses/docs (but was incredibly professional about it.) I was doped up and sleeping most of the time in the hospital, so it was nice to have her there to insure I was properly cared for. Those first few days back home, she was also incredible... making sure I had my scripts and was following the doctors orders as well as getting me to my postop appt. My parents came into town to watch our 4 kids, so she was able to focus on me. If you have kids, I would highly recommend making arrangements for the hospital stay and the first couple days so that you can concentrate on your wife.

As for what to do after the first week, that's a completely different ball game. My wife has given me quite a bit of space to go on this journey, which I like best. She is also overweight, but without the commorbidities I had. She has tried to lose weight since my surgery, but it has not worked... which leads to tension between us. She's there for me, but sometimes talks endlessly about "this incredible gift I've been given" and makes offhand remarks about wishing we could have afforded to get the surgery for both of us. It can be upsetting as it insinuates it is all coming easy to me, when in fact it still takes an incredible amount of work and will power to do this right. I bring this up to highlight that it won't just be you helping her through this journey, you will also have your own things to deal with as she progresses, so be prepared for it.

[Mountaingal 322]

Your wife is so very lucky to have your support. Lots of people both male and female struggle through this alone or even with someone who is very anti WLS. Others have pretty much said it all but I wanted too my 2 cents worth and support for you and your position on this.

If you need a place to learn more about your wife's surgery Alex Brecher has written some incredibly useful books covering every aspect of these surgeries.

After being totally against surgery 5 yrs ago my husband was my biggest supporter when I decided to do it last year with or without his support. The biggest thing he did was to be far less picky about what he was eating. For 30 yrs of marriage feeding him has been a daily chore and cause of much marital discord. This change was huge for him. I don't think he could have done anything more caring.

He compliments me every day on how I look. He truly believes it when he tells me that a stall will pass and just give it time. I do not feel patronized in any way and truly feel his belief as he says that.He is encouraging me to buy new better fitting clothes and shoes as I am not a shopper and watch money carefully. He says I deserve it for all the work I have done to lose the weight.

We have not talked much about the psych side of this adventure as he is not into that kind of approach to life but he has certainly given me all he can in the way of support.

Your wife is a lucky lady to have you and we at BariatricPal are lucky to be seeing your posts and sharing this huge step in both your lives.

[Sophie74656 1,572]

you are awesome for wanting to support her! I would say be free with the compliments. This is a tough journey and we go through a lot of this. There were days when I was feeling lousy and then my mom would say something about how she's proud of the progress I've made and it helped so much

and remember that a lot of times people get emotional at times. there were many days, even months after surgery, where I would just sit and cry for no real reason. There were also days when my stomach was unhappy or I felt sore or something else and I would cry and say that I regretted the surgery but it was a temporary thing and I was generally fine a little while later, but be there just to hug her and giver her the shoulder to cry on, hug her and tell her that she's just having a bad day and you are proud of what she's doing.

I can tell you what NOT to do based on my husband..

- don't constantly talk about how hot your friend looks in that one outfit, and how it makes her ass look good

- if she asks you if you can tell if she's lost weight don't just shrug your shoulders and say eh it's hard to tell I see you everyday

- when she comes to you crying about how she regrets the surgery and she's depressed and uncomfortable don't say geez this is getting old

-

[caligirltt 60]

I won't have surgery until April due to getting a specialized surgical team together because I was born with a heart defect. My SO, is terrified. I have been through many heart surgeries, and have done fine. I didn't realize how scared he was until he broke down crying. It is not fun seeing a 6'4 260 lb man cry. We are supporting each other through this. I think the main difference is I have had my cardiac surgeons for 20 years, and he feels like I am great hands with them. They are leading the "team" to get all docs together who will do the surgery but they won't be there. Cardio's have no worries, and are excited for me to have the surgery because I have put in a lot of work to get to the point to where my heart is strong enough to have the surgery. I didn't realize what an emotional toll it takes on the SO. He is very supportive, and is happy I can now have the surgery. At one point they told me I couldn't have it because of a medication, and I was so upset and crying and he was slightly relieved. Then they found a work around, so I can take another med. I find at times, I am supporting him more, but I have been having surgeries and procedures my whole life, none of which were elective. It was we do this or you die...he is having a hard time. And we have set a date for friday to sit down, and discuss things because of the emotional toll it is taking on both of us. It is a roller coaster ride, and your SO is very lucky to have someone care so much and want to be so supportive. I am also lucky because he is really trying to be supportive, and he is asking questions and really trying his best and I think that is all we can ask of our SO, because it is a journey and a lot of times, they are scared for us even though they know it is a live saving procedure we are still "electing" to have it done.

[DaisyAmy 561]

Aw, husbands rock! Mine has been great. Some things I've found to be really helpful/supportive are:

-"I'm proud of you"

-"what can I do for you?"

- taking on family meal plans/making sure he and the kid are fed - especially during preop when I was starving and not up to cooking for them and post op liquid/purée times.

- stepping up by taking days off to handle things I normally do. My sick days have been used up with surgery and appointments. He has been handling pediatrician appts, cable guy, etc

-complimenting, but not to the cloying/overboard level, which would make me feel like he didn't love me as much before. Just the right level ????

- being willing to overhaul the eating of our household - getting the crap out of the house!

You'll be amazing, I'm sure. Best of luck to your wife!!

[lorri716 256]

It's wonderful that you are being so supportive. I wish my husband would've eliminated all carbs in the house, however he talked directly to my dr who told him, do not change your life because she changed hers. She needs to get used to being around things that will be a temptation. Now with that being said, he has been great about remembering not to give me any carbs unless I ask for them. Typically I don't but some days I just need a little. Good luck

[DaisyAmy 561]

I agree with that. We do need to be used to saying "no, thanks". We still have some things (kids, after all), but a change to a healthier diet overall in our household is in the works!

[Backer16 4]

Wow! Thanks for all the replies! This is some great info! She is still 5 months away from getting the surgery but I've already started to talk about it. I've started letting her know I support her decision and would like to maybe go to some of the support group meeting with her. But i'm trying not to sound too pushy. I've also said maybe I should take the week off when she has the surgery. I was told "do whatever you want". She said she can take care of herself. She's told me in the past i'm not supportive enough when she needs it but then she always does this. Oh well, I'll go to some meetings with her, I'll take the week off with her, and I'll try to just make things easier for her when the time gets here. I will not be over bearing. I'll listen and only give advice if I think she really wants it. Thanks again and keep the advise coming!