Presurgery and I can't decide to keep WLS public or private

[Kissifur 244]

I told only my closest family and friends prior but once the weight dropped off I am honest if someone asks me directly. It's not a big deal for me if people know it was no different than having my gallbladder removed, my doctor recommended it and I agreed. The movement to change the stigma attached to WLS starts with WLS patients. I got to a point where I felt if I'm ashamed or lie/fudge the truth about my surgery then I'm saying what I did was wrong.

Edited August 7, 2015 by Kissifur

[Julie norton 2,850]

My distant friends and most relatives don't know about my band surgery 8+ years ago.... They can speculate, but really, as years go on.. Who cares what size I used to be? ( besides me!)

I don't believe it is newsworthy to anyone not in my inner circle.

Certainly my bestie and my trainer, but NOT many others ... I will say "I had help.. Or....I work on it". type of replies when I'm in the mood.

It becomes my way of life, not a discuss able moment of surgery years ago... Just as any hospital visit years ago... No one mentions tonsils out 8 years later probably?

[Dub 9,922]

This is my first forum post. My surgery has not been scheduled yet and I meet with my surgeon in 3 weeks.

I am wrestling with how "out there" to be with my upcoming surgery. I am not ashamed of it, but in general I am a private person who does not like to discuss personal matters with people outside of my immediate circle of friends and family. Also, I am a physician and it will feel strange talking about WLS with all my patients when my weight loss becomes obvious.

How did you all decide how much to tell people about your bariatric surgery? Any regrets about what you told people or how they reacted to your surgery and weight loss?

Thank you!

I can understand your debating which way to go with this. Your starting BMI is in the low 30's.

For me, at BMI of 58, it will be fairly obvious which way to go with it. Even if I do well and lose 60-70 lbs before the surgery .......the rate of loss after the surgery will accelerate beyond any explanation I could offer.

It'll be a while before I get any questions, but I'll be straightforward with my answers. Keeps it simple and peraps it will help someone else in the future.

[losing_the_band 133]

I am a very private person. I don't share my personal business with people, except perhaps a very few of my proven, trusted "inner circle" friends. However, other than the two guys who helped me (one, for transport; and one, to house me for a couple of days), only two of my closest friends know I had wls, and those two live out of town. I just didn't tell folks, not even the neighbor in front of me.

In this day of so many people sharing their everything with folks (known and unknown, online, etc!!), it may seem hard for some to keep their personal affiars to themselves...but if you don't want to tell folks, then DON'T. It's your life. Your decision. It's not their business.

Besides, many people have their own (uninformed) thoughts; you don't need them confounding you, nor do you need to defend your informed ones.

Don't tell if you don't want to, and don't feel bad for keeping your private business private. Period.

if people ask, "what are you doing to lose so much weight!!?", etc.,[present tense--"are"]... I say "I'm eating mostly Protein. I cut out the white stuff, the carbs, etc." And that's the truth.

IF it's someone I know well, and i know they are depressed about their weight (as I was), and they specifically ASK, then I will tell them I had wls. But they, too, must be someone I know I can tell and they won't put it on blast to whomever.

yesterday, I saw a post [here] about some co-worker telling others that a co-worker (the poster here) had had wls. [!!!] In today's world, people don't have filters or common sense. Privacy is not respected. So, respect your own. If you're a "private person," then don't violate your comfort zone. You'll regret it, if you do. Respect your personal space and spirit.

The one piece of advice I can give you is: You can tell people about your WLS surgery at any time, but you can never untell them. Take your time on deciding, there's no rush.

Once you tell people, you can't untell them. Well I did untell someone, I told them pre-op I was considering it, then before surgery I told them it wasn't happening. I told them not to tell anyone and they told 2 other people and told me they told 2 other people. I asked they why they told these people and they said "well it was just blah blah, I didn't think it would matter". I said no one means no one. Then all they said was "oh". So that is kind of what you can expect. I thought this person could keep a secret, I have certainly kept some of their secrets.

In the end I told one person that lives on the other side of the country and came to be with me for my surgery and then left.

I'm not ashamed of my surgery. I just don't want to be the poster child for it and I am not interested in talking about to strangers or semi strangers or anyone who decides they want to talk about it when I don't. I'm not a medical professional and I just am not comfortable talking about something personal like that. I don't talk about any of my other medical procedures.

Just because we live in a society that is hung up on weight doesn't mean you have to let people invade your personal life because they are curious. The only situation where I might tell someone is if I think they are morbidly obese and the surgery might really help them, but I am still working through that in my head because again I am not a medical professional, and it isn't my place to give people medical advice.

You have to think about what is best for you and your lifestyle. Do you want to answer questions about weight and weight loss for the rest of you life? Even when maybe you are at goal weight, eating semi-normal and leading a new life? Do you want people to question your choices? Are you able to defend those choices or blow them off? It is a lot to think about. No telling people always leaves the option to tell them later, but telling them, leaves you fewer options.

Ditto all of this. Maybe I have a skewed perception because I've succeeded with my lap-band and then regained weight (due to complications and issues with the band). Back when I first had surgery, I was all gung-ho about educating people about WLS and spreading the gospel, so to speak. The problem is, most people consider WLS surgery to be a magical cure-all for obesity, and if you start gaining weight back, you become the "friend of a friend of a friend" that everyone warns you about when you first tell them you're looking into surgery. They think that because you're sharing something private with them, that it's public knowledge and can then be gossiped about, or that you want their advice on how to lose weight.

Bottom line is that it is not your responsibility to educate the masses about the joys of WLS. If you aren't 100% comfortable telling people about having surgery, dealing with all of the extra input that people will think you want (because God forbid we don't want to know about the friend of a friend of a friend that died, or regained weight, or had major complications), or with their suggestions on "better" ways to lose weight, then don't tell anyone.

For me, I don't plan on telling any more people than absolutely necessary about my revision from lap-band to RNY (more people know about it now than I'm comfortable with, due to my parent's inability to respect my personal privacy). I'm no one's WLS mentor or the poster-child for WLS, and I don't wish to become one.

[Kissifur 244]

I am a very private person. I don't share my personal business with people, except perhaps a very few of my proven, trusted "inner circle" friends. However, other than the two guys who helped me (one, for transport; and one, to house me for a couple of days), only two of my closest friends know I had wls, and those two live out of town. I just didn't tell folks, not even the neighbor in front of me.

In this day of so many people sharing their everything with folks (known and unknown, online, etc!!), it may seem hard for some to keep their personal affiars to themselves...but if you don't want to tell folks, then DON'T. It's your life. Your decision. It's not their business.

Besides, many people have their own (uninformed) thoughts; you don't need them confounding you, nor do you need to defend your informed ones.

Don't tell if you don't want to, and don't feel bad for keeping your private business private. Period.

if people ask, "what are you doing to lose so much weight!!?", etc.,[present tense--"are"]... I say "I'm eating mostly Protein. I cut out the white stuff, the carbs, etc." And that's the truth.

IF it's someone I know well, and i know they are depressed about their weight (as I was), and they specifically ASK, then I will tell them I had wls. But they, too, must be someone I know I can tell and they won't put it on blast to whomever.

yesterday, I saw a post [here] about some co-worker telling others that a co-worker (the poster here) had had wls. [!!!] In today's world, people don't have filters or common sense. Privacy is not respected. So, respect your own. If you're a "private person," then don't violate your comfort zone. You'll regret it, if you do. Respect your personal space and spirit.

The one piece of advice I can give you is: You can tell people about your WLS surgery at any time, but you can never untell them. Take your time on deciding, there's no rush.

Once you tell people, you can't untell them. Well I did untell someone, I told them pre-op I was considering it, then before surgery I told them it wasn't happening. I told them not to tell anyone and they told 2 other people and told me they told 2 other people. I asked they why they told these people and they said "well it was just blah blah, I didn't think it would matter". I said no one means no one. Then all they said was "oh". So that is kind of what you can expect. I thought this person could keep a secret, I have certainly kept some of their secrets.

In the end I told one person that lives on the other side of the country and came to be with me for my surgery and then left.

I'm not ashamed of my surgery. I just don't want to be the poster child for it and I am not interested in talking about to strangers or semi strangers or anyone who decides they want to talk about it when I don't. I'm not a medical professional and I just am not comfortable talking about something personal like that. I don't talk about any of my other medical procedures.

Just because we live in a society that is hung up on weight doesn't mean you have to let people invade your personal life because they are curious. The only situation where I might tell someone is if I think they are morbidly obese and the surgery might really help them, but I am still working through that in my head because again I am not a medical professional, and it isn't my place to give people medical advice.

You have to think about what is best for you and your lifestyle. Do you want to answer questions about weight and weight loss for the rest of you life? Even when maybe you are at goal weight, eating semi-normal and leading a new life? Do you want people to question your choices? Are you able to defend those choices or blow them off? It is a lot to think about. No telling people always leaves the option to tell them later, but telling them, leaves you fewer options.

Ditto all of this. Maybe I have a skewed perception because I've succeeded with my lap-band and then regained weight (due to complications and issues with the band). Back when I first had surgery, I was all gung-ho about educating people about WLS and spreading the gospel, so to speak. The problem is, most people consider WLS surgery to be a magical cure-all for obesity, and if you start gaining weight back, you become the "friend of a friend of a friend" that everyone warns you about when you first tell them you're looking into surgery. They think that because you're sharing something private with them, that it's public knowledge and can then be gossiped about, or that you want their advice on how to lose weight.

Bottom line is that it is not your responsibility to educate the masses about the joys of WLS. If you aren't 100% comfortable telling people about having surgery, dealing with all of the extra input that people will think you want (because God forbid we don't want to know about the friend of a friend of a friend that died, or regained weight, or had major complications), or with their suggestions on "better" ways to lose weight, then don't tell anyone.

For me, I don't plan on telling any more people than absolutely necessary about my revision from lap-band to RNY (more people know about it now than I'm comfortable with, due to my parent's inability to respect my personal privacy). I'm no one's WLS mentor or the poster-child for WLS, and I don't wish to become one.

What capacity do you serve on this forum? You are not a poster child but you do offer your input. It is left up to each individual to take your information and use it in a way that best suits them.

[Timeforme15 15]

I'm dealing with a similar struggle but with an added challenge. I'm an RN working with approx 300 nurses and gossip is rampant needless to say. I'm also with a network marketing company focused on health and wellness but most people are interested in the Weightloss products we sell. I'm very vocal about this company and the products and believe they are a tool to help with weight loss but my focus is on the health aspects that a variety of products bring. But we all know that the world is focused on Weightloss. I don't want to mislead people that my Weightloss is due to the products alone but I also don't want to be talked about....." Yeah see those products didn't work for her"...... Of course I have an online presence as well...it is network marketing. So I feel stuck. My surgery is booked, right now my husband, BFF and two coworkers (who have also had surgery know). Probably won't tel my parents....not sure.

TORN!!!

[losing_the_band 133]

What capacity do you serve on this forum? You are not a poster child but you do offer your input. It is left up to each individual to take your information and use it in a way that best suits them.

I'm here to get and give support to people who are seriously interested in WLS and who have already had it, period. I don't consider that mentoring, just being supportive. If someone asks a specific question, I'll answer, but I'm not here to guide them in "the right way."

To put it bluntly, I'm at the stage in my WLS journey and have been in this long enough that I have absolutely no interest in trying to convert people to WLS. Even here, I'm not going to tell someone what they should or shouldn't do that's outside of their comfort zone, or try to shame them into "spreading the joys of WLS" by telling them that they owe it to the other fat people (and I've seen people here and on OH that were basically doing that). I don't owe anything to anyone. My personal feelings are that people will research when they are ready to research. I'm not going to preach to them or be a WLS evangelist, and I have no interest in trying to justify my decision to have WLS to people. When people are tired of being fat, they'll look into alternatives. Before that, it's like trying to convert an Atheist to Christianity, or a nonsmoker preaching to a smoker. Plus, I tend to think people are generally just Nosy Nellies, sticking their noses where they don't belong. I have no interest in being the topic of break-room conversation at work. Maybe I was just raised to be super-respectful of privacy (which is ironic, considering that my parents think nothing of discussing MY private medical information with anyone and everyone, lol), but I would never in a million years pry into a coworker or friend's personal life with questions like, "So, how are you losing the weight?," "You aren't sick, are you?," etc., so I find it offensive when other people do it.

[Kissifur 244]

What capacity do you serve on this forum? You are not a poster child but you do offer your input. It is left up to each individual to take your information and use it in a way that best suits them.

I'm here to get and give support to people who are seriously interested in WLS and who have already had it, period. I don't consider that mentoring, just being supportive. If someone asks a specific question, I'll answer, but I'm not here to guide them in "the right way."

To put it bluntly, I'm at the stage in my WLS journey and have been in this long enough that I have absolutely no interest in trying to convert people to WLS. Even here, I'm not going to tell someone what they should or shouldn't do that's outside of their comfort zone, or try to shame them into "spreading the joys of WLS" by telling them that they owe it to the other fat people (and I've seen people here and on OH that were basically doing that). I don't owe anything to anyone. My personal feelings are that people will research when they are ready to research. I'm not going to preach to them or be a WLS evangelist, and I have no interest in trying to justify my decision to have WLS to people. When people are tired of being fat, they'll look into alternatives. Before that, it's like trying to convert an Atheist to Christianity, or a nonsmoker preaching to a smoker. Plus, I tend to think people are generally just Nosy Nellies, sticking their noses where they don't belong. I have no interest in being the topic of break-room conversation at work. Maybe I was just raised to be super-respectful of privacy (which is ironic, considering that my parents think nothing of discussing MY private medical information with anyone and everyone, lol), but I would never in a million years pry into a coworker or friend's personal life with questions like, "So, how are you losing the weight?," "You aren't sick, are you?," etc., so I find it offensive when other people do it.

Wow that was a lot of writing. Out of all that I agree about being not being a mentor which is not what most people are looking for anyway, however a friend of mine had surgery about 10 years ago and her honesty both good and bad plus her support helped greatly following my surgery a year ago. I just tell people the truth when I'm asked the question. I have a small circle of friends and we take offense to very little or we wouldn't be friends. While I wouldn't ask anybody if they are sick I would definitely ask a friend how they lost weight when I was over weight. Now a co work it depends on the level of closeness. I was raised to respect privacy as well but what is considered private is objective so a person is free to say I'm not comfortable talking about that. I also found my mom a little too talkative about the surgery telling a few people before I had a chance but I've known her my whole life so no big surprise there.

Edited August 8, 2015 by Kissifur

[Pinkgirl1234 761]

Keep it to yourself.Trust me not everyone is going to be a positive factor.At least have the surgery and if you want to let others know after then do so.I know this from experience.Keep your medical history to yourself especially in the workplace.

[CityGirlinBurbs 22]

I've struggled with the same question as I'm sure most on this page have, but here's what I've decided. I'm one month post op, so I may change my mind as I lose more weight.

To this point I've only told people who were impacted directly, husband, kids, my mom, who I take care of, etc. And 2 close friends that I knew would be supportive. My husbands family is very judgemental so I will probably never tell them. Right now I have no desire to be the poster child for WLS and I'm not thinking about how I can help others. My focus right now is me and protecting my feelings, issues etc.

It's funny but I think WLS is one of the only surgeries where we're made to feel like if we don't disclose it, we're being deceptive.

Good luck with your surgery and your decision to tell or not. Just keep in mind that you don't owe it to anyone to tell. And once you do tell, you can't untell it.

[agwj71 45]

I told a couple of close friends and my family and asked them not to tell anyone. I'm not ashamed of having the surgery but I want to control how others find out.

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

Whenever I see patients urging others to "be honest" I LOL.

As the saying goes: You do you, and I'll do me.

[Alex Brecher 10,486]

ohiodoc,

Welcome to the forums!

This is a great question, and definitely something that you and all of us need to address at some point. I think you got some very good advice from the members who have posted. I agree to let it come up naturally – you don’t have to decide one way or the other and stick with it all the time. You can choose to tell people up front, or you can tell them if they ask how you lost the weight, or you could decide not to tell them.

Personally, I tell people. I am proud of my lap-band, and I want people to know weight loss surgery could be an option for them or someone they know. I also want people who aren’t WLS candidates to know that it can work.

Whatever you decide, remember that it is entirely your decision, and your decision is the right one.

[drmeow 323]

My surgery is coming up next month. I have told my 4 closest friends, my oldest son (22), my daughter (14) but NOT my (separated) husband. The emotional abuse of my 25 yr marriage is a bit part of why I overate to begin with, and I have no desire to hear more comments from him. Middle son (15) can't keep his mouth shut so I haven't told him either. Eventually, maybe.

I started a new job last month, had hoped to get approval and have the surgery before then but it didn't work out that way, and the approval came in time to have a late June surgery. I had to delay it due to the new job start (small business, desperately needing help). I was upfront that I needed to take some time off for surgery but could wait until Sept when things in our work quiet down a lot. At first I didn't say what it was for, but my boss is more overweight than I am, and diabetic as well, and I thought it might be helpful for her to hear it so I blurted it out one day. Immediately I heard about the negatives (another employee had it and now has severe anemia, but it turns out she drinks soda, doesn't eat much real food and doesn't take vitamins). I really like my boss so I explained the real risks and benefits and laid out why I need this and she's been good about it since then, but for awhile I was really wishing I hadn't said anything.

My plan is not to bring it up with anyone else unless it's a close friend who asks, or someone who is genuinely interested in losing weight themselves. I'll be sticking with the general "eating smaller portions and avoiding sugar, working out" answer for most.

[Sajijoma 1,324]

I thought about telling people, but I do like my business to be my business and not the subject of chats without me being present and my family are the kind who torments me with food anyways and tries to derail progress so it's probably for the best that they don't know otherwise they would do their best to try to ruin it for me. So, I've only told my husband(obviously), our 7 kids just so they are comfortable with all the new changes that are happening with mommy and so they don't worry about me dying of some disease, my best friend since I was a kid, and then my college room mate who also had the surgery and is a year out and doing fabulous! I think that's enough people. Everyone else can speculate all they want, but I don't have to give them any info to use. I mean, I am working my butt off(literally) trying to lose weight and get in the best shape even pre operation, so the fact that I'm putting in a lot of work exercising and eating a high Protein, low carb diet is already yielding me some results so who's to say I didn't lose it all on my own without surgery. They can't prove anything! as a doctor though, you do have a unique opportunity to reach out to patients who could benefit from surgery and who might be afraid. It's easier to know someone who had it and survived and looks great vs no real knowledge of how things will be after. I'd say if you've got a couple of patients who could benefit from this, maybe in confidence you could tell them your own experience and they can learn from your example if that's something they are ready to pursue. I have to be honest, if my college room mate hadn't had it and looks so healthy and happy, I'm not sure I would be going through it, because it does scare the crap out of me when I think about how it's done, but I see that she survived and isn't just telling me beautiful lies to lure me in, so I know I can do this too!