I feel so guilty


19 posts in this topic

Let me say first that I feel that I am in between on these boards. I don't really feel like I am in post op period. I am almost 10 months post op but hit goal at 6 months. Since my goal I have been steadily losing and I am at the low end of a normal BMI. I am 5'9 and 130 pounds. Today, the first day since way before my surgery I feel like I failed. My life over the past year(since I started practicing my new behaviors way before surgery) has been steady losing and very regimented. I weigh everyday because I feel if I don't, I will find every reason in the book not to get on the scale a week from now and things will slip away from me. Today we had two cookouts for Father's Day at two different parents house. I did fairly good at the first house eating a grilled hamburger no bun, then I had a small piece of banana cake. Not a huge one like I would have eaten before my surgery (and then took a piece home for later) I just had the small piece and left the rest there. At the second house I had ribs, three really small ones a few bites of corn on the cob and brought a piece of cheesecake home which I have promptly told my husband to eat it.

Tomorrow is a new day and I promise myself to eat right. I hate this. Maintenance for me is way more stressful than losing. I also didn't get all my Water in the last two days either. The last few weeks it seems like I am hungry a lot. And it's not head hunger, I don't really get that. Just had to vent. I feel so scared I am going to gain weight and then just feel like a failure.

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First off, CONGRATULATIONS for hitting your goal weight! Second, the fear that you feel is most likely in everyone. I have it and I'm only post op by three weeks and I messed up yesterday at a friend bday party. But like you said, "Tomorrow is a new day and I promise myself to eat right." (--- However I'm still learning when enough is enough).

You're amazing for hitting your goal weight within six months! But hey we all get that feeling, just don't let it over burden you.

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First off, CONGRATULATIONS for hitting your goal weight! Second, the fear that you feel is most likely in everyone. I have it and I'm only post op by three weeks and I messed up yesterday at a friend bday party. But like you said, "Tomorrow is a new day and I promise myself to eat right." (--- However I'm still learning when enough is enough).

You're amazing for hitting your goal weight within six months! But hey we all get that feeling, just don't let it over burden you.

Thanks. I know I need to eat a little more so I quit losing. The problem is making the right choices. I eat more fruit now and for Snacks I will eat nuts. This maintenance thing is kicking my butt. Mentally exhausting. I need to get it together so everyday doesn't seem to be such a struggle.

4ukay1 likes this 1 Like this

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First off, it sounds to me like you're doing great! I've been in maintenance for two months, and it's not easy. I'll bet if you looked closely, you'd find a correlation between not having enough fluids, getting hungry, and making less-than-optimal choices. If you get your Fluid intake back up, it might help you resist certain temptations. But don't beat yourself up over a few bites. In maintenance we're supposed to find our new "normal" and increase our calories to stop losing. The real trick is learning how not to gain in the process. Good luck!!!

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First off, it sounds to me like you're doing great! I've been in maintenance for two months, and it's not easy. I'll bet if you looked closely, you'd find a correlation between not having enough fluids, getting hungry, and making less-than-optimal choices. If you get your Fluid intake back up, it might help you resist certain temptations. But don't beat yourself up over a few bites. In maintenance we're supposed to find our new "normal" and increase our calories to stop losing. The real trick is learning how not to gain in the process. Good luck!!!

Most days I do get all my fluid in. When I am at my desk at work its easy. It's at home where I never sit still is when it's harder to get fluids in. But for the most part I do good with that. Every day since I started this journey I have stayed with the course. I weighed this morning and didn't gain or lose. So all in all I did good. It's hard for me not to see the scale drop, I am still working through all this. My NUT told me to give myself a 5 pound variance but I don't even want to gain an ounce (as my husband says) I think he is getting a little irritated with me.

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I agree! This morning the scale was up a half pound. Still within my 5-pound bounce range, but it bumped over a number ending in a 5, so I want to knock it back down under that 5. Irrational? Slightly. But continuing to play the game may be part of what keeps us honest. Maintenance is a new period of discovery, ain't it?!!

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Now that you are in maintenance, you are now in the "rest of your life" stage. The beauty of all the hard work you have done to change your eating habits to a healthy new lifestyle is that you can now CHOOSE to have that occasional piece of banana cake or cheesecake with NO GUILT, NO LABELING OF CHEATING, NO BEATING YOURSELF UP. When you plan each day with good, whole, nutritious foods, there is room in your life now for a little "junk" (if you want it). Because you have done it right, these foods don't have power over you any more. YOU control THEM. That is what is so different than your life pre-surgery. I find that my desire for junk just isn't there nearly as much when I consider what my other choices are to give my body nutrition. Sure, I had to learn to play a lot of head games--still do. When I'm particularly tempted, but REALLY don't want the particular piece of temptation, I say to myself, "I don't eat that anymore." For me, the more I've said it to myself over the past 4 years, the more I feel it has helped me to take that pause and really evaulate whether I want it.

You said you've been hungrier the past few days--eating those simple, processed carbs turns on the hunger hormones big time for many of us. The more you eat the more you want.

"Not wanting to gain an ounce" is not realistic or healthy thinking. I know you know that. Establishing a 5-pound bounce range is very realistic. Whether or not we have had bari surgery, our bodies naturally vary in weight week-to-week. IT IS VERY OK. You are still learning and practicing to achieve that TOTAL CONFIDENCE in yourself that you can weigh once a week for the rest of your life and maintain your 5-pound range. Living in fear over weight regain is no way to live.

Remember and Celebrate your awesome achievements. You don't have to "hate" maintenance. It doesn't have to be stressful. You are free, and that is such a gift that we sometimes lose sight of.

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Yeah, there's certainly a lot of work to be done in maintenance.

And it's not just around what the scale says.

It looks to me like you're uncovering some issues that it's time to address. Your anxiety over what are minor, un-serious, not everyday, but still normal eating behaviors seems out of proportion to anything you did or even the circumstances of your weekend.

Every day cannot be the same. How boring it would be if it were, eh? The excitement, the adventure, the fun of life usually comes on those days and eras when we're not living a "normal" life. So unless you want to sew yourself up in a mummy case or cloister yourself in a a virtual post-bariatric food nunnery, you'll have to learn how to navigate unusual circumstances. And by that, I also mean -- learn how to try new things and Celebrate life appropriately.

Maintenance -- it's a whole other thing. :)

P.S. I've always thought it made sense for anyone who'd lost all their weight to gain X pounds and then lose X pounds. We should not live the rest of lives in mortal fear of gaining and then being unable to lose 5 pounds. Or 10. Or even 20.

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Maybe I'm totally missing something, but what did you do "wrong"? You ate a hamburger without the bun, a small piece of banana cake, and three ribs. I would think that those were perfectly acceptable holiday cookout choices.

In my mind, being in "maintenance" means to maintain my current healthy weight by eating in my new normal way. I do NOT want to get wrapped up in the dieting mentality. Eat Protein first. Stay super hydrated with Water. Stay away from simple carbs. Eat an occasional dessert without guilt. Normal eating, not strict dieting.

Guilt is a bad thing. Regret is okay. Guilt is a shame based emotion and if you engage in that guilt/shame/blame cycle you may end up doing the same things to either punish or reward yourself as you did pre-op....mostly by eating bad comfort foods. That's how guilt affects me, anyway.

You didn't eat a hotdog (which is a horrible choice!), or skip the burger and go straight to the cheesecake. You didn't suck back a giant soda (which is as bad or worse than a hotdog). I think you did okay.

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Now that you are in maintenance, you are now in the "rest of your life" stage. The beauty of all the hard work you have done to change your eating habits to a healthy new lifestyle is that you can now CHOOSE to have that occasional piece of banana cake or cheesecake with NO GUILT, NO LABELING OF CHEATING, NO BEATING YOURSELF UP. When you plan each day with good, whole, nutritious foods, there is room in your life now for a little "junk" (if you want it). Because you have done it right, these foods don't have power over you any more. YOU control THEM. That is what is so different than your life pre-surgery. I find that my desire for junk just isn't there nearly as much when I consider what my other choices are to give my body nutrition. Sure, I had to learn to play a lot of head games--still do. When I'm particularly tempted, but REALLY don't want the particular piece of temptation, I say to myself, "I don't eat that anymore." For me, the more I've said it to myself over the past 4 years, the more I feel it has helped me to take that pause and really evaulate whether I want it.

You said you've been hungrier the past few days--eating those simple, processed carbs turns on the hunger hormones big time for many of us. The more you eat the more you want.

"Not wanting to gain an ounce" is not realistic or healthy thinking. I know you know that. Establishing a 5-pound bounce range is very realistic. Whether or not we have had bari surgery, our bodies naturally vary in weight week-to-week. IT IS VERY OK. You are still learning and practicing to achieve that TOTAL CONFIDENCE in yourself that you can weigh once a week for the rest of your life and maintain your 5-pound range. Living in fear over weight regain is no way to live.

Remember and Celebrate your awesome achievements. You don't have to "hate" maintenance. It doesn't have to be stressful. You are free, and that is such a gift that we sometimes lose sight of.

Wow! Awesome advice. Now to practice that! Thank you!

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