Hey all.

I figured this would be the best place to post this and I hope it is, but I have a situation that I'm not sure how to handle. I wouldn't necessarily like any relationship advice, but rather...advice on how I should respond to or support my boyfriend.

I am hoping to get the Gastric Sleeve surgery. I have talked to the various people in my life that I would tell about the surgery and sought their support; these include my parents, a very select few close friends, and my boyfriend. They are all willing to be supportive and I am grateful, but I seem to be encountering an issue with my boyfriend that I'm not sure how to handle.

A brief history: he and I were high school sweethearts, together about 3.5 years before we broke up in college, then we didn't talk for 5 years, we reconnected about 2 years ago and were off and on due to a lot of history to get over, but we've been ON for over a year now. In the time that we weren't together or speaking, he had gotten the LAPBAND procedure, so when we renewed our friendship and relationship, I was really impressed with the weight that he had been able to get off. Back in high school he had gotten up to over 300 pounds and since I've been with him he's been in and out of the ~280 range.

So. He's had his lap band for at least a few years. And he hates it. HATES IT. He longs to be able to eat a hamburger with a bun, or any meat at all! He wants to get the band completely removed. Not unfilled, not replaced with a different WLS, just removed. And since I've talked to him about wanting to get WLS myself, it makes me worry even more about him.

The thing is, he got the band because weight wasn't coming off no matter what he ate, didn't eat, drank, didn't drink, or how much he exercised. But from how he's explained it, his doctor TOLD him he HAD to get the surgery. It wasn't his original thought and choice. So I've told him that I'm worried about him getting his band removed and it has caused quite the fight between us! He is upset with me for not having faith in him to be able to lose weight and keep it off without the band. A couple of our friends get mad at me too and hit me with the, "you wouldn't still love him if he got fat?" accusation. It's really upsetting.

Of course I would love him if he were fatter, I have before! But even back in high school I had talks with him about his weight because I wanted to have a future and a family with him and I wanted him to be around for that and his health was a concern for me! If he gets his band out, that concern becomes alarmingly large in my mind. I've heard what he wants to eat when he gets his band out. And he might say he wouldn't eat a burger every day, but even once a week is too much when he doesn't put in the exercise to burn all of those calories even from one bad day a week.

If the pounds weren't coming off before, I don't know what makes him think this time will be any different. Again, he's upset I don't have faith in him. But the thing is, I WANT to have faith in him, but I seriously CAN'T when I have nothing to base this on that he has been able to do it on his own before. His eating habits have always been terrible -- his family rarely ever cooks, then or now, and usually eats out for almost every meal, so he developed those habits. Even now, he'll get that large order of chili cheese tater tots with extra chili and extra cheese from Sonic and eat the whole thing. But now it takes him longer and some bites he has to re-chew and re-swallow two or three times or he'll throw the bite up completely and try again with a new bite.

He uses the excuse that "bad food just goes down easier" and he can't eat most meats or even salads (something I've read as being an issue for many band patients), but if he "had the band out, he could actually be able to eat healthier, as in Proteins and salads as a meal". I asked him how I could really have faith in him to do it on his own when I have NEVER seen him do so and he said, "Just because I never choose to show people that I can do it, doesn't mean I can't." At this point in one of our fights, I told him he sounded like a total food addict.

"I CAN STOP ANYTIME I WANT TO."

But I'm worried that he can't. He's still paying off the band and wants it out. I've tried to talk to him about a revision instead, but he doesn't want to hear it. Since HE didn't choose the surgery, it feels pretty clear he didn't change him mental game and is still a "fat guy" in the brain. He wants the food he can't eat. He still cheats his band and eats bad food.

It isn't that I wouldn't love him if he gained weight again, but now that I'm trying to turn my weight and my life around, I still want him to be in it with me. But I don't want him to learn the hard lesson... I don't want to see him fail with weight loss and get miserable if he gets super overweight again and struggle to pay for a third surgery to get a WLS that he should have just done during the second surgery as a revision.

So what do I do? What can I say to him when he doesn't want to hear my suggestions? How can I have faith with him when I have such a high percentage in mind that he will fail...even when I wish that he could do it solo?

Sorry this turned out so long, so thank you to anyone who actually reads it and replies... But with a big problem comes a big post!

Although you love him, and worry about him, he has to make his own choices about his health and the food he eats. Your suggestions are probably counterproductive. He resents your interference so he doesn't really get anything positive out of your advice. The best thing you can do is back off from trying to make him see things your way and hope that your example convinces him down the road.

I think all you can do is tell him that you love him and support him. And hope that he will be there for you in your decision.

It will be hard for sure. You will have a tough journey ahead in itself. You can't carry what he has going on too. Just be there for him, even though it's going to upset you.

No one could make me decide to change and lose the weight...it had to be me. He'll get there some day. Seeing you succeed may just be the confidence that he needs.

A just like the band other surgeries can be cheated on also. It's very hard to help a person that doesn't want to help himself. My advice would be is to give him time to come around and through your future success you will get him coming round.

You need to do your thing for you and let him do his thing for himself. You can disagree with someone and still love them, but it will be challenging. You have to decide how challenging it is for you. I wouldn't recommend hanging around if it causes you to spend less time together. On the flipside, if you agree to disagree and figure out how to live around it without putting a wedge between you two then more power to ya! (I personally think you should hold out for a relationship that treats you like a superstar ????)

Best of luck!!

Sounds like his band is too tight. I'd suggest he get a small unfill so he can eat salads and dense Protein without discomfort. He'll probably start losing...and I'll bet he keeps his band.

When the band is too tight, we can resort to "soft calorie syndrome" which is what your BF is doing. A small unfill and he will be able to eat in a healthly, band-friendly way.

Sounds like his band is too tight. I'd suggest he get a small unfill so he can eat salads and dense Protein without discomfort. He'll probably start losing...and I'll bet he keeps his band.

When the band is too tight, we can resort to "soft calorie syndrome" which is what your BF is doing. A small unfill and he will be able to eat in a healthly, band-friendly way.

@@parisshel I asked him about this just yesterday when he was once again complaining about how he couldn't eat any of the meat our friends cooked at a BBQ get-together so he instead made himself a container of popcorn to eat (plenty of nutritional value there ), and he responded with, "That costs money that I don't have right now either" as opposed to getting it removed or revised.

I guess what I hate so much is his complaining. He got it done, but not so much by his choice. Now he's stuck with it, and feels in a position where he wants it removed but can't get it removed or loosened because of cost. But he's still not eating healthy and I think even replacing a meal with a Protein shake would benefit him. Yet he seems to have such an aversion to having any of his diet be liquid except Water and tea that he refuses to do that either.

I can't make his choices for him. And I try to support and encourage him but he just keeps falling off the wagon. I want to get my own WLS, but I don't want to be around his constant hate of his own! I've already told him that if he wants to eat bad foods he's not going to be able to do so around me because I really want a strong support system.

He's so good to me and sometimes I think he's complaining without realizing it. But I'm just not sure what to do on this one.

You say you don't want relationship advice, so my advice to you is to worry about yourself and your goals and leave him to worry about his.

You made your wishes known to him and offered advice. At this point it is now just going to be nagging if you keep on about it. Stop trying to control him.

Good luck!

@@woo woo I was hoping it was being more of a concern than a control thing.

I know relationships can break with the changes of WLS, and I suppose I'm just worrying about that.

Thanks!

Your not his mother and your not his doctor. Your his girlfriend, it's your job to be supportive of what he chooses to do with his body

@@Lapbandster , you say that, but I'm afraid I don't agree with all of it. I'm not his mother and I'm not his doctor, but I am just shy of being his wife which I still feel holds a lot of stock. I can't support him getting his lap band out if he is completely unwilling to change his eating and exercising behaviors. I have loved him no matter what weight he's been since we were both 16, and he was heavier then than he is now. Yet I was having conversations with him then about my concern with his weight and if he removed all restrictions for eating what he wants, then I know we'd be taking steps backwards and having those conversations again. I want him to finally be my husband and I want us to have a life and family together.

Therefore, I cannot find it in myself to support him removing the lap band to eat like he used to before when it will increase his health risks all over again. I don't want to be widowed by his health. I wouldn't want our children to lose their father to his health.

When he could go for any numerous reasons out of our control, his health -which can be taken into moderate control- shouldn't be one of those reasons. I want him to be around for a long time.

Similarly, my Aunt is struggling with being an alcoholic. Should I support her alcohol addiction with the same tolerance you're saying I should have for my boyfriend's food addiction? They're both real, out of control problems, and because I love these people I can't support what they're doing to their bodies...

Edited July 16, 201511 yr by theother_onefoot

If he is unable or unwilling to change his eating behaviors then certainly he should get the band removed.

He is at major risk of a slip/pouch dilation/esophageal problems.

The band is no longer considered safe as long as a patient is not compliant

And on top of that he seems to be miserable with it.

I know foot addiction is a tough thing to watch, but I don't think keeping the lapband is a solution

Just my .02

Hope everything goes well!

I have to disagree with some of the opinions here. You may not be his mother or doctor or surgeon etc...but you are his girlfriend and someone who quite possibly he will end up with for the rest of your life. With that said, I do think you have the right to offer your opinion/help to him. This is someone you care for, you want the best for him, and you want him to be healthy and around for you and a family you two may have. It is absolutely your right to want a father for your children, for as long as possible. And to give your children a father that will show then healthy habits, and be able to play with them. On the other hand, I know what it is like to have someone like you in my life. That person is my mother and she has never ever wanted more than the best for me. She's my biggest advocate and has always wanted me to be healthy. But if I start complaining to her about my band, you can be sure she is going to begin suggesting a fill if I'm not losing, or if I have gained, or if I feel like I'm always hungry. Of course it's not always received well, because I'm already in a state of frustration at times, and she doesn't have a band so "how would she know what it's like". I have actually said I didn't have money for a fill, and she offered to pay for it, and I was offended! Of course that's silly she only wants the best for me! And you only want the best for him. But he has to want it too! He has to be willing to make changes to healthier foods. It does sound like he is too tight which is incredibly frustrating to begin with. I wish he would just give a slight unfill a chance, has he seen the chart with the zones? Red, yellow, green? Sounds like he is in the red zone if he is vomiting often. If he was not educated about the surgery and how it should feel to have proper restriction, that could be a helpful chart to show him. It may actually make him feel like he has some hope with the band if he can get it adjusted correctly.