This is totally off topic, but I could really use some feedback...

[sleepyjean 0]

My sister and I aren't close at all. I haven't seen her in over 5 years and until a month ago, hadn't spoken to her in about that long. She called me out of the blue and said she wants to bring her kids for a visit over July 4th week. She has three kids, ages 5 - 11. I said I didn't have a problem with that but that I wouldn't be able to have them stay with me. I offered to help her find a hotel nearby for the four of them. She said she'd work out their sleeping arrangements so I emailed her some info about local hotels and activities for kids.

So today she leaves me a voicemail say that they were going to stay with her friend, but that fall through and so she wants to know if they can stay with me for 4-5 days. Short of being an absolute bitch, how do I communicate to her that they absolutely cannot stay with me?

A little about me: I'm single and live in a small one bedroom apartment. I'm very much a loner and am definitely not a "kid" person. I'm also being treated for depression (therapy, drugs, the whole deal) and have not been having an easy time of things lately in that respect. Basically, when it comes down to it, the idea of having four additional people in my un-air conditioned one bedroom Southern California apartment in the middle of summer is pretty close to my idea of hell. I have to work that week and hate the idea of waking all four of them up and climbing over them to get out the door in the mornings. I don't have enough sheets, towels, bowls, plates, or even chairs for three people, let alone five. I especially hate the idea that there would be no escape for 5+ days. Being around a lot of people stresses me out in a big way. The idea of having that many people around me for that long a time, with no quiet space or privacy whatsoever has me feeling a little panicky.

I'm sure everyone will say I'm being a selfish bitch, and maybe I am, but it's how I feel. I've spent half of the day being angry with my sister for asking me about this AGAIN when it took all the courage I had to tell her "no" in the first place. I feel like she's trying to back me into a corner because she doesn't want to pay for a hotel. I spent the other half of the day feeling like the lowest person on the planet for not letting them stay with me. Now I'm just angry with myself because I should be able to handle this for a just a few days, right? Honestly, I don't know how to handle this, so any advice or suggestions would be much appreciated.

[chimboree26 24]

My sister and I aren't close at all. I haven't seen her in over 5 years and until a month ago, hadn't spoken to her in about that long. She called me out of the blue and said she wants to bring her kids for a visit over July 4th week. She has three kids, ages 5 - 11. I said I didn't have a problem with that but that I wouldn't be able to have them stay with me. I offered to help her find a hotel nearby for the four of them. She said she'd work out their sleeping arrangements so I emailed her some info about local hotels and activities for kids...

To be honest, I don't think you're being selfish at all. You told her no from the beginning. It's not your fault that her other plans fell through. You (1) physically do not have the space for her and her kids, (2) you wouldn't feel comfortable having them there, (3) You told her no once before.

You don't even need to tell her that you wouldn't feel comfortable w/them there (unless you want to), but just tell her your housing situation and that should be enough. I'm sure you want to see her and the kids and spend time w/them, but if they stay w/you, you won't even have a chance to enjoy their company.

Stick to your guns and tell her no, again.

[Jachut 487]

Whether you would want to do it or not is irrelevant, and I dont think you're selfish for not wanting to do it either, practically its impossible.

You just cant squeeze that many people into a one bedroom apartment, its not a reasonable thing to ask.

[2bthinagn 3]

Say, just like before you cant accommodate her. Email her back if that is an easier way to say no. If it would make you feel better and you can afford it offer to help pay for a couple motel/hotel nights. If the place had a pool that would be an additional plus for activities for the kids. Be tough, its your home, dont be a doormat.

[OH Juli 15]

You're not a bitch.

I agree with all the statements above...one more option is you can offer to go and visit her on your next vacation from work if they have to cancel plans due to the friend's home falling through and the her inability to get a hotel.

There is no reason in the world your sister and her children should even have to see the inside of your apartment.

Good Lucky, I know it's hard sometimes to deal with conflict...but it's something we all have to do at times.

[musicalmomma 1]

I also agree with everyone else. It's just not a feasible option. Even if you had a 5 bedroom house...why would you enclose yourself with a sister that hasn't even spoken to you in five years, and her kids?? I think it would be a disaster waiting to happen if you even consider it. Besides, there's probably something in your lease that does not permit 5 people sleeping in your apartment. You could fall back on that reason if nothing else.

Stick to your guns. If she really wants to spend time with you, she'll work it out. I hope it all works out for you to spend some time together and mend some fences

[MyKdsDad 1]

I believe that is what they call a "relative vacation". You go on vacation where ever there is a relative that is willing to take you in. Of course, you get to dump all your "baggage" on them, too. Next thing you know, if you let them in the door, you'll be baby sitting while she runs over to see an old friend. (Seems to me I heard something about an old friend, somewhere....?) But the CHOICE is yours.

[JosieK 120]

hi sleepyjean,

you are totally NOT being selfish......but your sister is...

there are 2 possible ways to handle in my mind:

1. be totally upfront: say "hey sis...we havent seen or spoken to each other in 5 yrs....so while i'm happy you are coming to california....i think it is best if you sleep at a hotel and we can play in the day"

or

2. "hey sis....while i would love for your and your tribe to stay with me....my apartment is way too small for all of us. i've found a few hotels that are reasonably priced"...and then give her the list

stand strong....

when i lived in a 1 bedroom in NYC...i would get stressed and hate being backed into a corner....makes me an animal...

the week would go much better if you stand your ground.

she is overstepping hers by asking you when you already told her to stay at a hotel

good luck and let us know how you make out

[alicat3924 0]

NO you are not being selfish at all. I am getting married in august, and my father and brother are coming in from CA, I too have a 1 Bedroom apartment, for myself, my future husband and a 3 year old, let me tell you its going to be a nightmare, I told my father if you want to sleep on an air mattress in the kitchen then fine you can stay, Now my mom wants to stay too, I am completely besides myself. I know it will be for only a few days but I can totally relate. The thought of having 6 people in a one bedroom is absurd. Tell her your situation, make it as grim as possible, mention no chairs, table settings, towels, ac whatever hopefully she will change her mind or not come at all. If this is something that is going to stress you it's not worth it. GOOD LUCK

[GayleTX 1]

No wonder you've been on the outs with her....sounds like she's not very considerate of you, your situation and doesn't 'hear' your words. She needs to hear them again. All of you staying in close quarters for that long is a true recipe for another falling out and another 5 years of estrangement. Don't let it happen.

[MintyFresh 0]

2. "hey sis....while i would love for your and your tribe to stay with me....my apartment is way too small for all of us. i've found a few hotels that are reasonably priced"...and then give her the list"

I agree with this completely. You are hardly selfish. It would have been one thing as others have said if you had a large enough place that could accommodate that many people and still be able to give you your "space." Depression or not, that is just a LOT of people to deal with, especially ones you rarely see, in such a small space.

Stand strong. We'll be here for you!

[green 6]

Oh, I certainly hear your pain. I am a depressive and while I have a pretty big house I am easily stressed when I am around live people for very long. This is why I prefer to go to restaurants with friends instead of seeing them at their houses; sometimes even 4 hours can seem to me to be far too much "on air" time. And I am not a kid person, either.

Of course what your sister is proposing is absolutely impossible, both with respect to your emotional health and with the respect to the floor plan of your crib. Her visit will be an absolute disaster and you must say NO! Frankly speaking, it sounds like the woman wants a free motel and and that would be your crib now that her friend, a woman who probably feels the same way as you do, has declined to house the visitors. :tired

I myself have been put in your position. I have friends who live in Paris who like to stay with me when they come over.:paranoid One in particular is very, very stressful for he is labour-intensive. He does nothing for himself, complains a lot about Canadian life and Canadian food, and hogs my computer. Worse still, he sits there eating muffins and leaves the wrappers strewn all over my desk! I've never let him come back and I tell him that I am simply too mentally ill to accept visitors.

Your sister sounds like she might be vacation vampire. Afterall, she hasn't been close to you for years now.

[sleepyjean 0]

Oh no! I posted a whole long response this morning and just now realized it's not there. Boo!

To be honest, I expected to get a lot of "geez, you haven't seen them in five YEARS and you can't be bothered for five DAYS??" I hadn't expected so much support - thank you so much everyone. It really helped me to calm down. "relative vacations" and "vacation vampires" - I guess this situation isn't all that unusual after all - ha ha! I don't know why I thought no one would understand.

I hit the ball back into her court. Sent her an email this morning saying no one more time. This time I didn't give her my reasons since I did that last time and and apparantly none of it sunk in.I told her "no" last time and her response was basically "oh, ha ha, we don't mind. The kids can sleep on the floor." I wanted to say "yes, but I mind!" Last summer it was 90+ degrees in my apartment for days at a time. It was SO uncomfortable. It was the kind of heat that sucks all the energy out of you and all you can do is sit on the couch and think about how hot you are. I can't imagine doing it again this year, with four additional people underfoot, three of them bouncing off the walls.

I mentioned a nearby hotel to her last time around, and she ignored that so I guess it's up to her to find a place for them to stay. I took your advice and said I have to work Mon, Tues, Thurs and Fri and probably will not see them on those days, so they might want to stay near Disneyland or someplace where they can find a good inexpensive hotel where there are things for the kids.

I'm still suffering horrible guilt over this whole thing, but I'm trying my best to ignore it. Just because they're coming here, it doesn't mean they get to set the agenda. (Or so my shrink says) Nor does it I'm responsible for housing and entertaining them the whole time. Fact is, I'll probably hang out with them on the weekend and on the 4th, but the rest of the time, they're on their own. It feels so mean to say that, but I know if I cave on this, I will be miserable when they are here and will be dreading it every minute until then. Honestly, it's all been such a pain, I'd rather they don't come at all. Vacations should be about spending time with people you enjoy, not this uncomfortable, forced thing. Green - that whole "on-air" thing - I TOTALLY get it. And it's exhausting. AliCat - my hat's off too you. All those people and a wedding too? God bless, girl. That's going to be crazy. Back in college, it was no big deal to crash on someone's floor for a night or two. I kind of feel like as grownups, you need to think ahead and be responsible for your own vacation arrangements. I would never dream of imposing on someone like this unless they invited me.

I am tempted to go ahead a book a room for them. Half of me is being small-minded and pissy and thinking "this vacation was your big idea, why should I have to pay for it?" (I have a "real" vacation coming up in August that's going to take a bite out of my wallet.) The other half of me is thinking "what if my sister shows up, kids in tow, and says their hotel arrangements mysteriously fell through?" It's a holiday week, so I'm probably screwed if that happens. I don't know how easy it is to find a hotel over the 4th. I will be SO mad if she tries to manipulate me that way. Grrrr!

[green 6]

Wow! She could just show up at your crib with the kiddywinks in tow. Do you have travellers' hostels and YMCAs in your area? :confused:Where does she live? Will she be flying or driving? If they end up muscling their way into your crib you might just want to stay with a friend.:help: She doesn't sound like a very sensitive individual.:tired Indeed she sounds like a grrl who wants what she wants.

[OH Juli 15]

Yea YOU!

Sounds like you are doing better with this!

Can I suggest one more thing in regard to the hotel.

You can ask your sister what her budget is for a hotel, and offer to find one close that fits! That way you are "helping" her, but you can also KNOW FOR SURE that there is a hotel booked. You can even call the day before to make sure everything is still good at the hotel then call your sister to assure her....

And don't think a gulity thought about not spending every free moment with them. It's your time, your life and you don't need to give it away to anyone.

xo