For those who didn't tell anyone - betrayed

[livingmore 23]

I didn't tell anyone except my husband and my mother about my surgery. They knew about how important it was for me to keep this to myself.

I found out yesterday after church that my mother had told her entire "small group" which is about 50 people. I had someone walk up to me after church asking how I am doing after the surgery and how much weight I had lost. I was dumbfounded.

I asked her if she told and she said just her small group because she wanted me covered in prayer. I get that, I truly do, but she didn't have to tell them what kind of surgery it was. I am so hurt. It's an awful feeling to know your own mother has betrayed your trust. And if all those people know, everyone might as well know. She took that choice to tell away from me. It was the one thing I thought I had control over. I am so hurt.

I don't know what the point of this post is. I guess I just have to get it out. I'm having a really hard time right now.

[Forsythia 882]

I feel your pain. I told my mother and she told her sister who told my cousin. The next thing I know is that my cousin is congratulating me on my lap band during one of our games of Words with Friends. I was salty. I didn't have a lap band! And it was not my Mom's business to tell my private medical decision to her sister. So now I know that the entire maternal side of the family knows because once you tell my aunt, the information is out there. Ugh.

Edited July 21, 2014 by Forsythia

[Dulce_jtrivera 31]

I am sorry. I had a similar experience, but my mother told my grandparents and then my (very loving, but very nosey) grandmother told the whole family (cousins, uncles, aunts, some people who I haven't seen in forever, and anyone else that would be on her "phone tree"). Needless to say, I was in the middle of one of our big family get togethers when one of my distant cousins brings it up in front of everyone. All eyes and ears on me! I was so embarrassed and heart broken. I was not comfortable at the time and did not want anyone to know.

That was a couple of months ago and I have become more open about it. I am not hiding it anymore. I don't know if the situation with my family helped to force me to be comfortable, but now I can tell anyone and not give a damn what they think. I know how hard I have tried. I know that the weight isn't going to come off without it, and I know that this is the best choice I could have made.

I know how bad it feels to have your secret out in the open, but I also now see the liberation that having it out in the open can bring. Best of luck to you!

[ImOnMyWay61 55]

I wanted to keep everything on the down low as well. However, I felt my family should know. It should have been your choice, but she was just concerned for you and thought prayer (lots of prayer) couldnt hurt. Bless her heart. I am sure she meant well. Dont be too upset with her. I wish I could be in your shoes. I can talk to my mom but I get much of a response. She is in the final stage of Alzheimers. So please dont be mad long. Give her a big hug and tell her you love her.

[lsereno 2,525]

It's out now, so just make the best of that. Prepare your stock answers to questions you don't want to deal with. My stock answers included:

My doctor and I thought the surgery was the best option for my health.

My doctor is pleased with my progress.

I feel great!

And, just remember to not share anything with your mom that you don't want everyone to know. It hurts to have to keep things private when you'd like to share, but your mom has demonstrated that she can't keep things private. I'm not saying don't share with mom, just know if you do, whatever you share might be shared with the prayer group.

Lynda

[snowkitten 371]

I kinda know how you feel. I only wanted a few select people to know (hubby, mom, and friend at work who had it as well) and then my mom told my sister (who has weighed no more than 120 dripping wet her whole life) and my hubby told his coworker. After my initial shock and upset I tried to look at it from their point of veiw. My mom is dying and wanted to be sure I had female support and my hubby needed someone to talk to since this a huge change for him as well. Knowing it came from a good place helped me but I still wish I could have been asked before hand.

[McButterpants 2,846]

I can't imagine how betrayed you feel. I would, too. I'm sure your mother's intent was not to hurt you, but it did, nonetheless. Know that her actions came from a place of love and concern.

I was one of those people that told very few people (my mom, dad, husband, son and best friend). I'm fortunate that they have kept my secret.

You have to move on - be angry today and vent. Tomorrow is a new day - live your new life and focus on your progress.

[April206 128]

That's why I don't tell my mom anything! Seriously though, she gave her word and then let you down and that stinks. I would feel betrayed too.

[GottaDoSomethin' 31]

I completely feel your pain. I only told my parents and husband and specifically said not to tell anyone as we live in a small town and word travels fast. Well, my husband told his family. I am not a crier but I certainly cried I that. I feel so betrayed and hurt. I really chalked it up to his not ever having weight problems and not understanding why it was such a big deal to me to keep it a secret. It simply wasn't his secret to tell.

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

I'm so, so sorry. I understand your frustration and feeling of betrayal.

There are two kinds of people in this world:

1. Those who will keep your secrets. There are probably only one or two people in your life who can do this.

2. Everybody else will promise to keep your secret but, for a variety of reasons, simply can't and won't. These people always have "good reasons" for violating your trust that all boil down to this: Your secret will burn a hole in their soul until they can share it with someone else. The burden of it unleashes feelings of rampant curiosity, anxiety, titillation, fear, or other emotions they try to alleviate by talking about it to someone else.

Your mom is in this second group. Her need to relieve her anxiety about you was greater than her ability to keep your secret. It doesn't make her a bad person, but it does mean she's not a good secret-keeper.

And in my experience, if you don't want ALL of your family to know something, don't tell ANYONE in your family.

[livingmore 23]

Thank you all for your words and experience. They make me feel better.

[MrsVanderbilt 29]

I'm so sorry. My mom did the exact same thing to me. I specifically told her not to tell ANYONE about my surgery, and she told everyone. I felt so betrayed as well. I let her know that it hurt me that she betrayed my confidence and that my fat is my own business. I will never tell her a secret again. Lesson learned.

[InfiniteButterfly 438]

Sadly, this is at least in part why I was very open about my surgery and the process. I wasn't sure who would or wouldn't keep it a secret, so I made it easy on them. My partners were able to reach out to people they work with (both hubby and bf have co-workers who have had the surgery...although both were by-pass rather than sleeve...and they were able to have someone 'outside' to talk to. I think it helped my bf understand a little better to be able to talk to someone other than me...someone who understood some of what I'm going through.

Yes, it was definitely your secret to share or not as you chose...but she meant well.

[butterfyeffect 257]

I too, told my mom, and I guess because I never specified that it was a secret, she felt the need to mention it on Facebook! I had a private conversation with her about it, and she took the comment down, but the really funny thing is that when she had Gastric bypass a few years ago, it was a huge secret, and to this day she won't let us mention it to people who have probably at this point guessed what she did. But when the tables were turned, she had no problems telling the world about mine!

[hrhlaurie 185]

Thank you all for your words and experience. They make me feel better.

I've told several people who are friends because I don't mind if they ask questions. I don't really tell casual acquaintances because we don't share things at that level. This especially applies to social media where I have mix of family, friends, and people I've never met who just have a common interest.

So I posted a photo of our family and a friend remarked how good I looked after surgery. I just commented not to tell me yet because I'm only half way to goal but I was thinking, now it's out there and everyone knows but no one asked or cared so it was kind of a non event.