female only Torn

[ooffa511 505]

We did a trial separation last year for three months. Month one and two I was miserable, but month three I noticed how much more energy I had, how I had more patience with my kids. But he got caught smoking pot in his parents house and they threw him out. He had no where else to go so I took him back.

The crazy part about it was it was the total opposite for him. He was soooo happy month one and two. I would call begging for him to come home and he would say no. We need this break. After he got caught smoking pot in his parents house he had to come home even though we weren't ready

He told me last night that he picks us over pot. I was overall happy w the answer but I was still cold towards him. I guess bc I don't believe him

Well bc I was cold it started a huge fight. I appreciate everyone's support on here. The next step is going to be very difficult

[CBT 450]

So life post divorce. What do you see? You lose a lot of control over your son's exposure/experiences. This is the hard part, IMHO. The things you fight about magnify and you no longer have any say. What happens at his house is his business. Just stuff to think about. It's been a blessing in your first marriage. Just gotta have a plan....

[ooffa511 505]

So I figured I would give an update

My husband moved out 3 weeks ago. I'm so San bc of it. I feel like a failure. I know I cannot fully blame myself but if I didn't talk to him like shit maybe this would never of happened

I'm doing what I need to do. I would love to take some time apart so we can both work on ourselves, but he says we are never getting back together. Our relationship was volatile but maybe w some space we can fix this.

My son wants daddy home. My daughter can care less. I just wish life was easier than this. I'm going to keep working on me, hopefully he can work on him and maybe one day if he is sober we can make this work

I wish I didn't love him so much =(

[sassypants 674]

Some times it’s the hardest thing to do and let go of someone you love so much.

But if its not right and not working and no respect for you and the family unit then it has to be done.

Sometimes we hope people will grow up given time we hope and pray every day they will some just don’t.

A friend of mine to divorced last year her husband was cheating on her said he never wanted there second baby and he didn’t want to be tied down any more.

Left her and the 2 kids youngest being 4 months old.

He immediately went public on his new girlfriend who has a child.

He now plays daddy to that kid could care less about his own but hes still a immature child his parents pay his bills and he is almost 30 years old.

Some people just don’t grow up.

We can’t fix everyone and again as painful as that might be you do have your own life and the welfare of your kids to consider.

If you do get back together I personally wouldn’t allow him to move back in for a year on condition he has a job the same job throughout and if he does choose to do things recreationally it doesn’t become a problem.

You need and deserve an equal partner not another child to take care of.

good luck

[BellaHugz 331]

So I figured I would give an update

My husband moved out 3 weeks ago. I'm so San bc of it. I feel like a failure. I know I cannot fully blame myself but if I didn't talk to him like **** maybe this would never of happened

I'm doing what I need to do. I would love to take some time apart so we can both work on ourselves, but he says we are never getting back together. Our relationship was volatile but maybe w some space we can fix this.

My son wants daddy home. My daughter can care less. I just wish life was easier than this. I'm going to keep working on me, hopefully he can work on him and maybe one day if he is sober we can make this work

I wish I didn't love him so much =(

Glad to hear he moved out. Now is the time to get some addiction or co-addiction counseling for yourself and for the kids as well. I know it is a finacial burden but there are meetings out there that are supportive and will help you and your kids to see the truth.

Also please know that you were in many ways a single parent in that relationship. While being a parent to him in a lot of ways. He was enabled to get all that he wanted and yet you had to work so hard to keep it all together. Now is the time to reflect on what will make your home safe and peacful again for your family. Take the time to be selfish and work on what you need to work on to make you stronger and happy once again.

Addiction is hard life to live and even harder to be around it has an undercurrent that no one else really knows unless you have lived it.

My cousin had a boyfriend who addicted to heroin and it had and still has a scar on their lives. She had to first admit she enable her bf then admit she too needed to break the chains of addiction in her life. I think she found help with al onon meetings in her area. They ave 2 children together and she has made a new life for herself and her children, they see and interact with their dad and as children they know they have to be the adult in his life, so sad. But true, kids are resilint and smarter then most think.

Praying for you and your children too!

[BlondeBanshee 91]

Living with addiction is hard, I kept trying to fix things only to realize I could only control myself. I hated who I had become, I let myself become consumed with his alcoholism and lost myself completely. This was the beginning of my weight gain, the more out control his drinking became the bigger I got.

Use this time apart to get clarity, who are you, who is he, do you value the same things, you'll rediscover yourself. When you are clear about yourself you won't get sucked into his drama, its his not yours, your yelling and name calling keeps you stuck in his game. Who knows what time apart will give him, just know your boundaries and limits so that if you do reconcile the rules are clear.

I divorced and my ex died from his alcoholism.