dating Do you feel you settled for your partner because you were fat?

[SerendipityHappens 1,594]

Interesting topic. I am newly out of a relationship since being sleeved and YES I had settled for this man.. I don't know that it was because of my weight or just my situation in general that allowed me to feel so beaten down that I would settle..As for dating, YES dating is different.. and I'm still fat at 244 pounds! I just started dating someone new and it's rather unnerving because I know he wouldn't have been interested in me at 360 pounds, and I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that he's so interested in me at 244 pounds because he's NOT a chubby chaser. He's also ridiculously good looking, financially solvent, no kids, a former elite athlete who still keeps in good shape, and he's 7 years younger than me...YES, I do feel he's way out of my league.. I posted in the powder room about how we haven't "done the deed" because I am having a hard time being comfortable enough with my body to allow that to happen. Which is TOTALLY new to me.. When I was 360 pounds, I was not shy about my body at all... and now all I can think is he's going to get one look at my flabby pannus and saggy granny titties and bolt!

[Dirana 7]

Yes. I did settle.

Who would be romantically interested in someone as big as myself? It's sad but my self-esteem is much too low to be in a relationship.

[JessicaAnn 564]

Oh man, what a topic! Well, when my husband and I met, I was 19 and a college cheerleader. I was heavy in Hs, and lost 60lbs in college getting to an all time low which was a size 8. My relationship with him started off completely just sexual (sorry TMI). I ended up pregnant 6 months later while on birth control. I wasn't in love with him, but we decided to parent anyway. It was rough, going from being "hook up partners" to a couple and parents. I gained over 80lhs that pregnancy because of depression. After I had my son, I gained about 20 more from severe post partum depression. We split up for a while, and I think I went back to him because it was easy. I knew he wanted me, even if he wasn't the best for me. Now, 4 years later, were married with another baby and we still have a rocky relationship. He's not unsupportive, but he's not terribly supportive either. He never tells me I'm pretty, or tells me that he notices my weight loss. But if I say "hey I lost 5lbs this week" all he will say is "good job" and leave it at that. He's a great provider financially, but a crappy husband and so-so father. We'll see what happens. As my self confidence has gone up, I've been more "ballsy" during fights and standing up for myself.

Not sure if I even answered the post lol. Sorry I hijacked it!

[buplee 556]

Oh man' date=' what a topic! Well, when my husband and I met, I was 19 and a college cheerleader. I was heavy in Hs, and lost 60lbs in college getting to an all time low which was a size 8. My relationship with him started off completely just sexual (sorry TMI). I ended up pregnant 6 months later while on birth control. I wasn't in love with him, but we decided to parent anyway. It was rough, going from being "hook up partners" to a couple and parents. I gained over 80lhs that pregnancy because of depression. After I had my son, I gained about 20 more from severe post partum depression. We split up for a while, and I think I went back to him because it was easy. I knew he wanted me, even if he wasn't the best for me. Now, 4 years later, were married with another baby and we still have a rocky relationship. He's not unsupportive, but he's not terribly supportive either. He never tells me I'm pretty, or tells me that he notices my weight loss. But if I say "hey I lost 5lbs this week" all he will say is "good job" and leave it at that. He's a great provider financially, but a crappy husband and so-so father. We'll see what happens. As my self confidence has gone up, I've been more "ballsy" during fights and standing up for myself.

Not sure if I even answered the post lol. Sorry I hijacked it!

[/quote']

You didn't hijack the post and answered truthfully. I'm sorry you have had the experiences you have shared with your husband. I hope it gets better or you make a change for what is best for you. Good luck.

[JessicaAnn 564]

You didn't hijack the post and answered truthfully. I'm sorry you have had the experiences you have shared with your husband. I hope it gets better or you make a change for what is best for you. Good luck.

Thank you. He isn't a horrible person. It's not like he cheats or lies or drinks.. he is just someone who doesn't show emotion or make an effort. Likes his alone time and sometimes just doesn't want to be bothered with me or the kids.

[RebecaSparkles 247]

I feel like I needed to get married at my fattest as it was almost a test for to know he loved me for me not my body.

He's lost 30# so far as he wants to try & keep pace with me.

I don't feel I settled at all personality or looks wise. But, I do wish he had more college/could get a white collar job. I just worry he'll be 65& still working as a resturaunt manager.

I have no problem being the sugar momma here but it makes an issue between us sometimes that I went onto med school & he dropped out of an associates degree.

I always knew that I wanted someone who could compliment me not "complete" me. And he does that beautifully.

allons-y

[need2bthin! 235]

I knew my husband before the weight, but nothing could ever change my love for him. We are truly soul mates and I thank god for him!

[buplee 556]

As I have stated before, my wife was definitely out of my league when we started dating. She is a gorgeous women whom I've know for most of my life. We were childhood friends who became best friends as young adults( he we used to discuss out dates). I knew the type of guys she went for and was surprised when she asked me out. Her girlfriends and certain family members felt she was too good and beautiful to be dating me. I used to ask what made her choose me, given her options. She would just smile and said she was using them to make me jealous so she could get to me.

Well, for all the naysayers and negative comments we are still going strong. I know this is going to sound pretentious, but I am going to say it anyway. Other than her best female friend, all of her other former girlfriends have had failed relationships and we are approaching 30 years together. They are all struggling and we live a very nice comfortable life. She told them I had potential but they only saw my weight. So, I guess if she settled for me, then I am glad she did.

[cathycnyrs 85]

She was looking at the person and personality and not the outside. I know a lot of beautiful people that get ugly real fast when you get to know them. I've also met people that were first not very attractive that become beautiful because of who they are! She saw the diamond! Lucky lady!

[grandmacathy 30]

My husband and I have known each other since childhood. At 10 years old I said I wanted to marry him some day. Everyone laugh and he ran screaming. Well forward 8 years, and I am walking down the isle towards him. We have been happily married for 41 years. We are each others biggest supporters. Our love is so strong.

[Jiggly Puff 53]

I do feel like I settled, yes. I am an educated, smart, classy woman with big goals. My husband is not a very motivated man. I love him and he's good to me and our kids. I do think that if I had had more self esteem I would have married someone who wasn't so stagnant.

At least he's good looking

I really respect your honesty.

[misse28 9]

So I had an interesting conversation with a young gal at a local VSG support group. She's 4 months sleeved has lost 50 pounds and is on top of the world. She loves the male attention she's getting and feels ilke the guys that are now interested in her would have been 'out of her league' in the past. Before she barely dated and felt like she was grateful for any attention she got so kinda settled and dated whoever.

As someone who hasn't dated much and has been overweight all my life' date=' i'm curious about dating after surgery. For single folks, how did your dating life change? For married folks, any changes/tensions.[/quote']

My boyfriend has always accepted me for the size that I was. I was unhappy with my weight and he told me he loved me no matter how big I was. He is very supportive of me and has been there every step of the way since my surgery. I think it just all depends on the situation.

[Richard Foor 655]

I have to say that I did settle for the one person I was able to get any attention from even though she was not right for me. I wouldn't change any of it because I ended up with 2 children I love more then anything. But it was a hard relationship., especially since she ended up cheating on me a couple different times, which I stupidly forgave her for, just to have her do it again and leave me and the kids after 13 years. But now that I've lost the weight and gained self confidence I have finally been able to tell her to move along when she comes nosing around.

[AmandaRaeLeo 2,145]

Unless your relationship is a toxic relationship I don't think it's fair to say "settled". It seems to imply an elitist state of mind.

I think it would be more apropos to say your partner isn't your best match.

I say this as someone who is in a tumultuous marriage. I kept thinking I "settled". But that's not fair to my hubby. He doesn't deserve that implied insult that he is less than worthy. It just may be we are not a matched set after all. It's scary and painful to realize that.

But putting him down to build me up? Not cool.