I have always struggled both in online groups and in my physical groups when a particular situation presents itself. That situation is when someone is doing something clearly against their best interests as it relates to WLS. I’m talking about the cases where people are clearly heading off track. I find myself at times frustrated and responding in an effort to get those individuals to realize what they’re doing is wrong and at times it has been in a less than tactful way. It has caused me to question why I even care or bother to respond at all. I have spent a decent about of time trying to answer this question for myself and figured I would try to explain it to y’all as well.

I view myself and all of us that have WLS as members of a community. I want every person that goes through this process to be successful and improve the quality of their life. As a member of the community I feel an obligation to help those that I can on their journey. I also have a selfish motivation in trying to help others. I hate that many people in the general public view WLS patients as cheating, taking the easy way out, or that we are just continuing the pattern of laziness that got us to obesity in the first place. I hate hearing the obligatory stories, which we have all heard that goes something like this, “My friend had WLS, lost a bunch of weight and then gained it back”. I have vowed to never be that guy in the story. Here’s the selfish part of my motivation, I never want YOU to be that guy in the story either.

Again from a community perspective we all fail when one of our WLS brothers or sisters does become that guy. We fail together when people go into this thinking it will be the magic bullet and don’t realize it actually does take a lot of work by the individual to succeed. We all fail when people don’t make the food changes necessary and instead think the only tool needed is the surgery.

Maybe I’m wrong and should not view others success or failure as my own. Maybe I’m wrong by not being a cheerleader when people are looking for a little friendly enabling. What’s it to me after all? Sure go ahead, a double cheese burger at 2 weeks out sounds like a great idea! If it doesn't hurt, it must be ok to do, right? Hell let’s wash it down with a vanilla shake!

Sorry I just can’t do it. Guess I will have to become comfortable with my role as the hard ass.

I will extend one offer though. If you do want to know how to totally defeat your sleeve (RNY, DS or Band too) let me know. It’s a road map that is not difficult to follow. I figure that would at least give those inclined a quicker way to regain instead of having to spend all the time testing the waters with various, “I wonder if I can have XYZ”? If you’re reconciled to not trying and just want to jump right to failure then send me a PM, let’s get it done and out of the way.

In any event, I hope this gives a better understand of why I care and view WLS support in the way that I do. I mean no one any ill will ever, but I also will not condone actions that are contrary to being a successful WLS patient. Best of luck on your journey.

Hi Paul - as a newbie, I have to say I really appreciate posts like yours. I am a little over 9 weeks post-op, and there are a couple of people on the forum - you, Laura-ven, Fiddleman, Cheri, LSereno, to name a few - whose guidance and knowledge I rely on. It's honest, blunt, and never mean.

Maybe your posts aren't everyone's cup of tea; one size doesn't fit all, as we all know! But here's a "Thank You!" From someone who appreciates it!

Paul,

There has been many a time when I answer post trying to help with a thoughtful and time consuming reply only to be over looked because I am not saying the things that the op wants to hear.. I've even been called some not very nice things... So I understand your frustration.

I also understand the addict that is in withdraws and is looking for an enabler.. They will stop at nothing in those moments.

There have been times where I feel like just staying in my safe little corner here and communicate with a few individuals only.

But if you let the misinformation train run rampant what would happen? It would be like a bad game of telephone!

You are a vet that has been very successful, and this forum needs to have vets like you stick around!

Laura

Paul, I could not have said it better myself. I want to be successful and want everyone of my fellow VSG'rs to be successful also. It makes me sad, mad, and down right exasperated sometimes when right out of surgery ppl are posting about eating the same crap that got them where they are. I don't get it. There are so many ppl that need or want this surgery and can't get it and here they are throwing their chance at a new life away. Of course no one is perfect and we will all slip or have a bad day. And I will always offer support and an honest opinion and maybe a kick in the pants if someone needs it. Plz if I ever get to surgery and come back asking "are you sure xyz isn't ok to have now?" (When every single one of us has gotten a well thought out and very self explanatory diet plan to follow) Someone plz pop me upside the head!!!! Anyway thank you for the post and know you are not the only one that feels this way....

Paul,

I can't tell you how many times, especially early on I've slammed shut the screen on my lap top, or gone to bed angry by something on this forum. My husband laughs at me and asks why I am letting the internet make me angry, but I could not have said it better than you just have. I get angry because I don't want people to fail at this. I also don't want new people researching the sleeve to think it's ok to cheat, and not change, and to say 'well this person is doing it, I can too', and develop bad habits because other people poo-poo the boasting of failures. I got yelled at the other day because someone said they were giving up and eating zebra cakes everyday...well if you want to do that crap, do it away from here, and don't expect a pity party! We all know what we need to do, we all jumped through hoops to have this surgery, and I also believe we should all be respectful of it, and successful. Good for you for being an a**hole. I commend you.

Paul, I love your posts, both here and in the Facebook group. As a 10 year lapband vet (and recent revision), I've been down that road and see people headed there themselves and I cringe. I know exactly where that train leads and I refuse to enable. I refuse to act like those mind sets and habits aren't detrimental to any WLS. I HAD those mindsets and I kept those habits through 10 years with my band. I wasn't part of an online community then, and I didn't have the "A*holes" telling me to knock it off and do MY part to make surgery work for me. I had "supportive friends" who told me to "listen to my body" and encouraged me that I was eating "so much less" of those bad foods, so it wasn't a big deal. I am part of a community this time around, and I am so thankful for the A*holes. The ones who refused to let me do this without hearing all the darkest parts and who would smack bad foods out of my hand if I fell back to those habits now. It's a*holes like you who made me understand where I went wrong and what I had to do this time, to be successful. At only 2.5 months out, I'm nowhere near a sleeve vet, but I suppose I am a "WLS vet" and now I'm an a*hole myself, when needed. I wish someone had been for me the first time around. Who knows how things could be different for me now. Took me a while to get here, but I couldn't be more thankful to the a*holes like you!!!

Have haven't run across many of your posts here as I am a newbie. But continue to be an ahole as needed. This will be a long process and I know I need a kick in the butt sometimes. Truth hurts but you need it to heal

Suzy

There's some folks that need a "V8 slap" now & then (myself included). Growing up we were told "There's no stupid questions, unless you already know the answer" & I'm pretty sure that a lot of these folks know the answer.. I don't know why they think a bunch of people in a forum would change that answer.. Some issues are just dumb, but others could be dangerous. It's a little hard to take tough love from strangers. I doubt that you're going to see many "Thank you"s. Hopefully though they're taking something away from your responses.

I have to admit, I sometimes just ignore posts where the person says " I've been eating <name the bad food> and I'm in a stall." But if I do reply, I try to answer in the kindest way possible because you can't hate yourself thin. I think you can provide a helpful answer without being mean or an enabler. But I haven't seen anything you've said that was mean.

I also avoid fights. That's just me. I'm a runner, not a fighter. So if I provide a helpful answer and I get pushback, I don't get in a huff. Even if the OP is not ready for the info, it might help someone else.

Lynda

Have you seen this?

http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/duty_calls.png&imgrefurl=http://xkcd.com/386/&h=330&w=300&sz=14&tbnid=0JDOjcPPBYzZXM:&tbnh=90&tbnw=82&zoom=1&usg=__namo0MPGxeDPEF68F4z3kUEnOzQ=&docid=7GiNB03uLhoDmM&sa=X&ei=C3ntUc_yIrKw4APy2oCADw&ved=0CDkQ9QEwAQ&dur=291

Sorry I just can’t do it. Guess I will have to become comfortable with my role as the hard ass.

I appreciate people like you. Sometimes I need a kick in the ass. I hope you are here inspiring people for a long, long time.

There have been times where I feel like just staying in my safe little corner here and communicate with a few individuals only.

I don't think so. There's a wealth of knowledge in that pretty little head and you are someone here that I look up to.

So you're not hiding anywhere!

I try my best not to reply to those posts, lest they become an all out flame-war.

I appreciate the patience that the more seasoned folks have since I imagine every question has been asked at least 100 times. The fact that any of you take the time to share your experiences and guide us through this journey is truly a gift. (I have only been on this board for a few weeks and if I read one more question about the 3 week stall....I want to have an auto response that tells people how to search)

It seems like there are always people who come here want to get only the answer they want to hear. On the internet, you can keep asking and even if a million people give the same answer they just want to hear from the one person who validates their decision.

The posts that disturb me are the ones where they are newly sleeved and want to know how to cheat the system just days or weeks after going through the surgery. What are they thinking? Don't they want to succeed? They spend all this time and energy working to getting the surgery and then want to know if it is OK to not follow the instructions of professionals? I am just bewildered by them.

In the end, they may not hear what they want to hear but they are hearing what they need to from the folks on this board who are brutally honest. What they choose to do with that truth is just another factor in how successful they will be in the end.

I think at one point or another we have all "cheated the system" when dieting..

It's what got us all here!

So I understand that mentality.

The difference being, that right after surgery it's not about a "diet" to lose weight, your stomach needs to heal. So I do step in when I see new sleeved people telling other newly sleeved people "I ate an omelette and English muffin and I'm doing great! Go ahead you will be fine"

Do I get yelled at for stepping in? Hell yes!

But I do it because other people read those posts.

Also it's important to try and relearn your relationship with food early out. Because you can cheat the sleeve and eat around it.

I see it here everyday. It's sad to see all the pain that someone goes through to get this done only to fail themselves....

Paul,

There has been many a time when I answer post trying to help with a thoughtful and time consuming reply only to be over looked because I am not saying the things that the op wants to hear.. I've even been called some not very nice things... So I understand your frustration.

I also understand the addict that is in withdraws and is looking for an enabler.. They will stop at nothing in those moments.

There have been times where I feel like just staying in my safe little corner here and communicate with a few individuals only.

But if you let the misinformation train run rampant what would happen? It would be like a bad game of telephone!

You are a vet that has been very successful, and this forum needs to have vets like you stick around!

Laura

I totally agree with Laura - I like your honesty! It is so very necessary! People are looking for enablers to make this whole thing seem easier. The bottom line is that it is NOT easy. And trying to make it out to be is just a lie. People need the whole HONEST picture before going into surgery. Some people go in with Rose Colored Glasses and don't want to know the whole picture. I appreciate all you do to keep us on the straight and narrow!