I think you'll all understand that I just took 2 Valium... One simply wouldn't have made a difference.

You all know I've been busting my butt working 2 jobs to make ends meet, right? Well, today Chris and I got in a fight so he left. He came home 4 hours later with a brand new Harley Davidson. He's been whining at me for years about buying one,a and I told him "fine, as soon as you pay off the taxes you still owe from the 80s and one of our credit cards."

I've been fighting and crying all day and decided to file for divorce, but I don't want a divorce. But I need to stand by my principals... gagging, crying, freaking out.

The only 2 options I have are either divorce, or just "go with it." So I put on my boots and jeans, threw away all my underwear (cuz that's what Harley chicks do" and I guess I need a tattoo. NO, I hate tattoos... but I do have a new funny hat that cleverly says "Boneyard" on the side. Babs cracked up when we pulled in on the new bike.

I HATE my husband... HATE. But can I tell you a secret? Now that I'm on the drug I think the bike is cool... we can't pay our mortgage, but riding on it is so fun. What do I do?

Maybe you could just let the house go back to the mortgage co., hook a trailer on the back of the bike (for the dogs), buy a tent, and just live in roadside parks. (Plus your creditors couldn't find you.)

and ask him when he is going to get one for himself!

But the one thing drilled into my head since birth is HOME OWNERSHIP. My family (deceased and alive) are firm belivers in not paying rent. They've been trying to buy me a house since I was 17. But they're all whacked, so I bought my own, all by myself. I'm the youngest of 2 other siblings who still pay rent. My first home was a fixer upper, but now I'm in my dream home. It took 40 years to get it. It's small, but very princessy. Actually, it nees work in the princess department, but I love my house. I worked too hard for it.

I laid down the law today. Chris fired the landscaper, the maid, and the pool guy. He's gotta do all that work himself. Those were my luxuries since I have no kids, and I suck at yardwork. I used to keep a clean house, but refuse to clean up after him so he's always paid a cleaning lady every 2 weeks. He said he let her go, so I told him he better start scrubbing the floor.

Did I mention the bike was 30,000 grand? About $600 a month. Whole mother of spaghetti. Excuse me while I go hurl.

LJ, I've never been into bikes, but you better believe I'm learning how to ride that bad boy tomorrow... and I'm riding it to work. And if he flicks $#Q$% with me, I'll ride it off a flipping cliff.

This wouldn't be a problem if we had the money, but we haven't paid our July mortgage yet. I'm 41 years old and this is the very fist time in my entire life that we're behind in our mortage. I'd never been late with rent all the years I rented. So for him to do this right after spending 10 grand on my band, plus being behind in mortgage, well, I'm just gonna go the alcholic route cause I can't see a better way.

Thanks for trying to make me feel better.

He is still your friend and too much alcohol might erode your relationship. [okay...that was pretty bad]

Seriously though, I hope your hubby comes around to see the hastiness of his decision and what it is doing to you. Maybe after sleeping on it he will change his mind.

Good luck in all of this....

((((((((((((((delarla))))))))))))) Please be careful self-medicating. I totally understand your angst. Boy! How I remember those times of extreme emotions when I was married. I don't know what to say, except I totally understand. But, your health has got to come first!

Please take care of you..

Lisa: I completely understand about the hubby issues. I had one just like him. He would go and buy thousands of dollars worth of stereo equipment or car stuff like headers or souped up mufflers for a car that doesn't even run instead of paying the light bill or Water bill or even the damn rent. It infuriated me to no end. I finally had enough and told him to go and live in that damn car with the mufflers and great stereo system. He and I did eventually divorce. I am not telling you to do that. I am just saying I completely understand where you are coming from.

It is hard to sometimes be the adult in a marriage. Your name is not on the loan papers for the bike right? Can you remortage the house? You have three business days to get out of any loan agreement you know this right?

I feel for you darlin. I wish I could make it all better.

(((((((((((((((((((LISA))))))))))))))))))

AAAACCCCKKKKK!!!! !@$%%#!$#$! 9 year old husbands!!

Honey, I am so sorry. I have no advice. He needs a frontal lobotomy. Or is that a bottle in front of me?

You GOTTA keep your dream home - giving that up is just not an option. He's too young to be going through his midlife crisis. Perhaps this is just his way of getting more attention - you know he's been wanting attention, and children will settle for negative attention over no attention at all.

**hugs**

Oh Lisa... Damn... I wish I was the right person to tell you what you want to hear... damn it all... I have got to say...

You know how a 3 yr old will test the parent... well it sure sounds like your three year old is testing you. from the outside looking in... it seems that your man is pretty selfish most of the time. He wants your attention only when sports are not on... he goes out with you on the weekend only when he starts to feel insecure... he knows you work two jobs but doesn't think to build himself a sandwich for dinner once in awhile or maybe even whip himself up a box of mac and cheese... he puts your home in jeopardy without a thought and buys a Harley???? Holy Crap girl!!!! How in the heck did he get financing for this Harley????? Does he have a truck or other toys that he can sell??? I can't imagine that he will step up to the plate and clean the house now that the maid is gone???? What can HE give up that will possibly come to 600 dollars or more a month.

I'm sorry Lisa... God... I feel for you and know how scary divorce is... but I wonder... do you realize how wonderful you are???? Do you realize that you deserve to have a relationship with a real live grown-up that gives as much as they take???? You have been carrying the load and taking care of everyone elses responsibilities since you were a child... this doesn't have to continue. You deserve much better than this... and if it were me... I'd be packing his bags and parking them right next to his Harley and wishing them both well.

Damn... I think I was supposed to just be supportive and send you ((((Hugs)))) but I just couldn't help myself. I think you are awesome and think you deserve so much more.

Gross Darcy

Lisa, wow, what a mess. When we're kids stuff like this is kind of exciting, funny in a scary kind of way, playing with fire. But not NOW, not anymore. You are letting this man make serious dents in your financial health, and you WILL regret it (if you don't already). I was married to this same man once and thankfully got out with my credit rating intact, but only barely. But I was 30 and had time to repair the damage. With a home to think about you CANNOT mess around!!

Do you know what kind of damage a late mortgage payment makes to your credit rating? Just one will follow you around for years and will have to be explained to any future lenders. And "my husband went out and bought a Harley on an impulse" is not the kind of explanation lenders like to hear, to say the least.

I can't comment on the health of your marriage; only you can decide whether the pros are worth the cons. But don't mess around with the finances!! Chris has to understand that what he thinks is funny and exciting can have a SERIOUSLY negative impact on both of your futures.

Lisa-

OK I might get stoned for this response, but just a just wanted to play devils advocate for a moment (or is that man's advocate? hmm.) I think most men by nature are jealous if it it's not readily obvious. I'm not necessarily talking about jealous from a 'you're sleeping around' standpoint. But jealous from the 'I'm afraid - or you're not paying enough attention to me' staindpoint.

Conisder it from this standpoint. I know you got banded for your health, but if you hubby forgets that for a second and thinks- we spent thousands on her and now she REALLY, REALLY hot, she probably way to hot for someone like me. Therefore in snit mode he decides to even out the score- spend thousands on something he thinks makes HIM just as hot. Rational? No- but this is man land.

As far as the rest goes. The issues are not the little things- the fights- the buying stuff, the money. The issues are what's underneath. It's ok to be cheesed off about 'things' but it is worth your marraige? The reasons underneath are what you should be deciding on. And if you decide that those reason mean you need to get out- then you will survive.

I thought it was interesting in my psych eval the other day the psychologist told me, wls can make a good marraige great or a bad marraige worse. If the worst happens will you survive? I answered yes- probably a little more forcefully than I should have

Good luck

I woke up to find my house clean. Chris fired the gardener and the pool guy. The dog poop has been picked up. The pool is sparkling, laundry in washer and dryer, and Chris out front mowing the lawn. He in deep-doody with me.

As far as backing out of the loan, The Terminator himself wouldn't be able to drag Chris back to the dealership to bring the bike back.

As far as divorce, it's not going to happen because my instincts would have filed papers long ago. I married an irresponsible guy, and I knew it. He was a credit disaster 10 years ago, but I'm the one that created the monster by taking over our finances and fixing his credit. It took me 7 years of writing letters, making deals and sending payments, but now his credit is clean as a whistle.

I just heaped 2 feet of bills and paperwork, insurance stuff, household stuff, etc., and dumped them on his new Harley manual, which is sitting on his workbench by his cigarettes and ashtray -- no possible way for him to miss it since that bench is where he lives 50% of his life. When he's done with his chores, he can take over the finances. A few years ago, when he spent $1000.00 to build some speakers, I stopped paying bills. They piled higher and higher as he asked "when you gonna open the mail." I said, "never." So he was forced to take over the bills, which completely freaked him out. But, he actually did a good job, with the exception of him throwing away anything medical related with the 9-year-old excuse of "I thought insurance paid all our medicals." Uhhh, can you say "co payments?" It was a good lesson for him, because he started doing the shopping and was suddenly eating bologna and generic soda instead of his usual $9.00 per pound deli meat. And after he goes through our finances today, I guarantee he'll run right to the thermostat and kick it above 74, since we argue about electricity all the time (he wants it freezing, I want it room temp.)

I used to work in mortgage lending, and I know how damaging bad credit is. I'm anal about my credit and have never let anything go derogatory before. I called my loan company and they removed the late charge from July since it was my first time late, and they said it won't go on my credit.

He announced yesterday that "we'll be cutting back to afford the bike." And he told me "no more nickel Keno." And I said, "like hell, I'll be damned if I'm giving up a stick of gum for that bike."

I also have a cleaning lady because I refuse to clean up after a man. He's really good about picking up stuff and loading the dishwasher, but he never does any scrubbing. I refuse to scrub up after anyone, so he started paying for a cleaning lady. But she's moving to Mexico in September, so he said "that's another savings." I told him he's washing our floor every week, and he's taking care of the birds and folding his own laundry. He agreed to it all, but I doubt it will last.

So for today, I'm not on speaking terms. I think I'll go make Breakfast for the dogs and use every pot and pan and utensil while spilling coffee across the white tiles, then lay on the couch and watch sports all day.

Thanks guys, glad you're here.

Yes, what your husband did would make me very, very angry. I'd want to discuss something like this before it happened. But it has happened, so it's going to have to be dealt with. It bothers me that so many say "divorce him". I'm glad that you're "not throwing in the towel" at this point. I think him paying all the bills and realizing how the pie is split up each month will be a good wake-up call. Heck, he might need to get a second job to pay for his bike.

Heck, he might need to get a second job to pay for his bike.

Good idea Marie.

I don't condone divorce either it just happened to work in my case. There were other issues that dissolved the marriage besides the financial ones. Like him cheating with my best friend in my own bed. That tends to stop a marriage in it's tracks. LOL!!

I love your outlook Lisa. We are here for you.

I realize that all of this is terribly upsetting and sometimes we want to be self destructive to show (him) that see I can be stupid too. But don't.

If you look back on the 10 years and you said it best you knew what you married...

ps I married a person who can spend 5,000 dollars in a month and not know where it went so I completly understand you...

so I think your doing the right thing. Stand strong. You are going to be the grown up...but there is something you are getting from it. I know that I do. My husband is the biggest x-box playing baby I ever met, and I would not trade him for the world.

I get mad when he leaves his bills to be paid by the "bill God" while I work two jobs to keep us in the manner in which I am accustomed...

I think he could live in a box sometimes as long as he had cute clothes.

But I am the responcible one in our relationship...

I knew he had bad credit...It did not get that way by it's self, I knew that he always lived paycheck to paycheck and I had savings that he tried to spend...

by the way I keep two seprate accounts...one for bills and one for Bill (my husband) That way I never have to worry that he spent the morgage money.

I say pay your morgage and let him worry about the bike. Remember cell phones are a optional item...my husband tends to forget that. So can be your cable or Direct tV ...

I don't think that I helped but know that we all go though it in one way or another and you will get through it too.