I think you'll all understand that I just took 2 Valium... One simply wouldn't have made a difference.

You all know I've been busting my butt working 2 jobs to make ends meet, right? Well, today Chris and I got in a fight so he left. He came home 4 hours later with a brand new Harley Davidson. He's been whining at me for years about buying one,a and I told him "fine, as soon as you pay off the taxes you still owe from the 80s and one of our credit cards."

I've been fighting and crying all day and decided to file for divorce, but I don't want a divorce. But I need to stand by my principals... gagging, crying, freaking out.

The only 2 options I have are either divorce, or just "go with it." So I put on my boots and jeans, threw away all my underwear (cuz that's what Harley chicks do" and I guess I need a tattoo. NO, I hate tattoos... but I do have a new funny hat that cleverly says "Boneyard" on the side. Babs cracked up when we pulled in on the new bike.

I HATE my husband... HATE. But can I tell you a secret? Now that I'm on the drug I think the bike is cool... we can't pay our mortgage, but riding on it is so fun. What do I do?

Thanks, guys. When you meet him, you'll see why I can't divorce him. He's irresistable - not just looks, but those stupid puppy things and nice things he does when I'm busy trying to hate him. And when my girl friends come over, he sits around talking about boob jobs and periods... he hates being left out of the girly circle, although he's pretty rough around the edges and sometimes we cringe at his comments.

Good news is that I just went in the garage to yell at him some more. And the lawn, pool, house, laundry is done, plus he's got that entire heap of financial crap sorted out in little piles. Now he suddenly wants to "fix the mess." So I screamed at him some more and came back here. He needs several more days of getting screamed at, however, I don't have that much time since I need to be nice to him to get my bike riding lessons. He says, "I bought this bike for US, not for me!" My work already knows I'm off my rocker, so I may as well confirm it.

If you can't beat 'em, join em.

Hmmm. Pretend you had to pick one of these:

A) Being married to Chris, with his $600/month bike and renting; or

Owning a home, but no Chris.

Okay, then once you know what is most important to you, it is easier to decide what to ask for, what to do, that sort of thing...

I know what I'd do, but what you need to know is what you're going to do.

Sue

(I just read this to Mr. Sue who said, "He's really threatened by her, isn't he?")

Renting is not an option. No way, no how.

I pick Option C:

Chris is taking over the bills and says he'll work double-pay on Saturday's if he's not able to fix the mess he's made. This verbal contract allows me to have my cleaning lady continue her 4-hours every other Saturday, plus my nickel Keno money. I'll keep my Avenue job to continue sending a little extra to my band and to keep buying new clothes. He fired the landscaper and the pool guy. He'll mow and trim if I rake. I found a $400 Kreepy Krawler (thing that plugs into your pool and vacumes it all day) in the Nifty Nickle paper for $80.00, so the pool is clean and he'll take care of chemicals.

However, if he screws up, I'll hop on MY bike to my best friend's house, who happens to be a family law attorney.

Wait a minute, cell phones are an option? Mine is attached to my ear, and I can't afford surgery to have it removed. Cell phone is not optional. Princess will not suffer, no she won't.

I wouldn't have been half as mad if we were in better shape. He owes taxes for 5 years, which we have installment agreements on, so one of our monthy expenses is $50 to the State of California and $150 to the IRS. He could have paid both of these things off instead of spending over a grand on me at Christmas and another grand on Valentine's Day. He's got a big ego.

If he'd hand me a card with a receipt from any one of our accounts that says "PAID IN FULL" across it, he'd get the best sex of his life. And my birthday is coming up in September. You know you're married when a paid bill makes you happier than a present!

De larla,

Are our husbands related???

How about printing out your post about the "paid in full" bill and "accidently" leave on the kitchen counter for him to find --- when he's cleaning up the kitchen?

All men are related! I decided to just "go with it." I don't need a gun to shoot him because the Harley is dangerous enough.

After he cleaned the house, lawn, pool, etc., I made him

[[[***** CENSORED ****]]] me with no reciprocation, then made him give me my first lesson, where I nearly killed myself and many of my neighbors. I swear, I didn't mean to make that right turn or land on that guy's lawn, but that's a hell of a machine!

So we just got back from a ride to my friend (the divorce attorney's) house. But that was a dumb move because he thinks the bike is awesome and I should have fun while I'm young.

I'm already walking like one of those biker chicks from hiking my legs way up on that thing. It ain't easy to get my legs up on those pegs at my size.

So thanks for being there - I think I'm still numb with shock, but I've screamed all I can and now it's time to relax. La Madam was supposed to call me this afternoon but it's already 3 p.m.

Anyway, here's some pics my friend took. Go ahead and laugh. I surrender.

More

For those of you that wanted to know what kind and all, it's a 2005 Harley Davidson Dyna Wide Glide... black with nothing girly on it. Chris thinks it's important for you to know that it's the first 2005 sold in Vegas and was only on the floor for two days. Sucker! Oonly my husband believes sales people!

After being on it for an hour, it's either going to cripple me or fix my back... not sure which one yet.

At least he really was thinking of you when he bought it----he got you a helmet, too!!!!

The extra money will come somehow and ya'll will have a blast!!

Just thank your lucky stars that you don't have chicken peg legs like me. He'd have to hoist you up on it.

If you are happy Lisa... that is what really matters. Life is very short and I can't think of a single reason to spend it being miserable. Good Luck!

Darcy

Lisa, I know your stressing over all this, but ya'll sure do look good on that Harley! Maybe you should let him start taking responsibility to himself. It sounds like you have been the one to fix all the mess ups, and work extra and juggle the finances. He seems willing to take it on, and you could use the break. Put a little faith in him, and you're right, enjoy the ride!

Biker Babe DeLarla...

Has a nice ring to it...

I'm not sure that "forgiveness" is what I'm experiencing right now. I think my marbles can't take the insanity. I hate fighting, I hate stress, I hate ugliness. So I'm giving him the chance to do all our bills from now on. He did it once before and actually did somewhat of a good job. I won't so much as stop at the post office for stamps or lick an envelope any more. Time for him to stress out over it.

As far as the helmut, that's how he told me he brought the bike. He said, "here, do you want the medium one or the large one?" I said, "which will hurt more when I hit you with it?" And that's when I started chasing him around the house screaming at him. Then the bonehead acts all exicited and tells me the helmuts were free, and the dealership will take a picture of us together on our new bike for FREE. Free? Did he really say free?

Truthfully, I don't want to ride that Harley to work. I hate being looked at, while he'd like to stand on pedestal and have the whole world admire him. Being on the bike is too many people in my comfort zone... safer in a car. People are right in your face when you're sitting at red lights, staring at you, trying to make small talk. I don't like it. Plus, the thing scares the hell out of me. But oh yes, I'll drive it, and I'll drive it often, because I know how nervous it makes him, and I know he HATES the idea of me taking his baby but doesn't dare admit it. Game on.

I had my first test lesson today, and it went really, really bad. Good thing I already turned the corner when I nearly ran into a van then onto someone's lawn because if he saw me, whoosh, would he be (evil laughter) pissed!