How to proceed with a fellow wls partner

[WillInAtlanta 24]

Here's a little background:

The beginning of this year I met a great guy. We immediately clicked. We have the same issues, essentially have the same background, have the same hopes and fears. It wasn't until April that in a conversation he told me that he had gastric bypass last year and with the same surgeon I was going to use. I was sleeved 5/23. Post op I've lost 65# but still have a way to go.

I have never felt such a connection with someone. For so long I never thought that anything like this was possible for me. He's the first person who makes me feel free and I completely trust. In the early stages we took everything slow. Mainly because we've both been guys who slept around so easily, not knowing we were worth more. I'll admit it was nerve wracking at first we went on so many dates and I couldn't even get a kiss outta him. I'm positive that for both of us to really open up, we had to know that the other one had no plans of leaving. We're both in therapy and it's made everything even stronger.

Now onto the meat of the matter. We've progressed so much. We have crazy make out sessions and I know that he's ok with having sex, but I'm the one holding back. It's my belly. Post op it deflated, then dropped, now i almost have a crazy 360 muffin top. I know he's ok with my body, but my mind still isn't there yet. I workout 5-6 days a week and I know I'm barely 8 weeks post op. It's just maddening seeing everything else but my belly changing. Has anyone else had a similar relationship roadblock?

[makemyownluck 785]

First of all, CONGRATS on finding a good man who makes you feel special. I am 10 wks post op and I just met someone who makes me feel special and I'm having the same roadblock. However, my man doesn't know that I had surgery - I literally JUST met him and haven't told him about it yet. But I want to.

Now, I'm thinking of waiting to sleep with him because I do feel that special connection, like this is a really genuinely good man that I want to hold onto and not jump into bed with so fast. But part of me wonders how much of that is true and how much is just me not wanting to be naked in front of him. Because I'm having the same sagging issues and I do NOT feel attractive with my clothes off - AT ALL.

So I'll put this back on you and maybe ask your advice on how to bring up surgery with him, if I should or whatever insight you may have as someone who HAS shared your surgical history with your partner. And maybe some advice that others give you will be helpful to me as well.

I talked about this with a girlfriend of mine who gave me some really wise advice:

"It's not about your body. If it was, he would have slept with you on the first date. He's dating you because he's into you, he wants to express himself physically now. You should let him do that."

GOOD LUCK, honey. <3

[JP69 116]

Believe me probably 90% of us have your same issue! The other person is right he would have already slept and left ya if he truly didnt care. Now its time to enjoy your new life and body:). It will all fall into play. Good Luck and Congrats!

[WillInAtlanta 24]

Thanks everyone. I knew I wasn't alone, but it sure felt that way.

makemyownluck, I'm not sure how to approach that either. I guess I lucked out dating someone who told me about his surgery first. I've realized that whenever I tell someone, I have to do it on a case by case basis. I've seen many friends and family treat me differently after I told them. Many came back and asked if I've tried xyz diet or told me I should look into a personal trainer...and the list goes on. Been there, done that. I'd just say take your time telling him. Only tell him when you truly feel the time is right. Your friend is right, if it were all just about your body, he would have tried to push you into sex a longgggg time ago.

[Kennedy310 33]

WillInAtlanta, I just want to make an observation that your first 2 paragraphs in the orginal post are full of wonderful joyous things, and then we get to this little issue in paragraph 3. I am not trying to belittle the discomfort you feel about the current state of your physical body. It is very real & I have been there myself & still fight it regularly. But I just read the other stuff and thought, "wow, that's great that he's found someone & they're both into each other. so, why let the issue get in the way of your joy!"

I know it isn't always easy to accept our bodies at every size, but the truth is we will never be perfect. No one is. And if someone else (like your man) can love us at any size., then I feel like we deserve to show ourselves that same love.

You deserve to be happy! Ain't no muffin top gonna stop you!

[WillInAtlanta 24]

Wow. I had to reread what I originally wrote and I do agree...I do know it's all mental. In my head I can separate the challenges, but sometimes it's just so hard to not let the thoughts take over.

Granted, he already opened my eyes to the fact that I'm still covering myself with big layers of clothes...we took some steamy showers together and on vacation 2 weeks ago I felt comfortable to walk around naked...there's just some block in my head that once we start to get intimate and I look into his eyes I don't feel like I'm at my best.

I know in time that it'll come/get easier.

I have a question for everyone. Post op, did you find yourself being more selective (dating, sex, and approaching things with work and family?)

Sent from my iPad using VST

[Kennedy310 33]

For me, I would have to say that I find myself more open to dating post-surgery. I have always been a bit guarded. And although I have always worked on having good self-confidence in social & work situations, I definitely appreciate the additional boost of positivity that surgery has provided. Feeling better physically has definitely allowed me to feel better mentally.