Guilt and what to do?

[happy1957 138]

No one is entitled to know your personal business. If she was indirectly asking you, that's a chickspit way of doing so. If she doesn't want to be your friend over that, then let her move on with herself. Sorry, but if you had a hemorrhoid removed and didn't reveal it was a hemorrhoid removal and not wild butt sex was the reason you were walking funny, would it even be a question? No. Let her be. If she asks again, straight out tell her it's not her business how she lost weight and leave it at that.

OMG, you cracked me up!! I laughed for the first time in 24 hours. You are so right. If anyone has asked me straight out I have told them. Only one person was brave enough to do that. I was in a public place at the time and came home and answered her through e-mail along with educational information about the surgery She was so intrigued she is doing it herself now.

I think you are right, it's my business and if not blatting my surgery to world divides our friendship, then so be it. My success is a thorn for many since I see the repeated Monday diets over and over again among my co-workers and friends. I actually thank God I'm not in that boat any more. Gotta go get on the elliptical. Have a fabulous day and thanks for making me smile.

[happy1957 138]

She sounds like a nightmare! Sorry you have to deal with her antics. Sounds like a hostile work environment to me (maybe not legally) but regardless, she should know better, especially working in H.R. !!! After all that, I definitely wouldn't tell her, just out of spite if nothing else!!!!

You did not hijack my thread, I like to see opinions and expressions of the same concerns. I wouldn't leave a job I love, but the thought actually crosses my mind at times too, I suspect co-workers tell the clients behind my back, I think a new life in a new city might be the answer, but running from the issue doesn't change it. I'm trying to find a way to deal with it without all the Catholic GUILT! Tell her you're having a sex change and laugh it off. I've tried that in the past with another issue.

[happy1957 138]

I will be taking 2 weeks off of work. How did you handle that when people asked where you were and some people already know that you are getting surgery? I have only told 2 people at work who I trust but I have a feeling a lot of questions will be raised when people ask why I am going to be gone for 2 weeks!

First off, don't trust anyone. I mean NO one. That person you trust may have a smaller megaphone than others, but believe me, they will blab when you are getting smaller and getting all the compliments. MY EXPERIENCE IS THAT THAT EXCITEMENT ABOUT GETTING HEALTHY AND THEM SUPPORTING YOU, TURNS INTO JEALOUSY . NOT OF HOW YOU LOOK BUT ALL THE POSITIVE THEY HEAR AROUND YOU. I already had a weeks vacation planned and just had the surgery. Went back to work at my regularly scheduled return I have a standing/walking job, so I didn't deal with any of the problems of having to sit all day and getting gassy etc. It was a perfect recovery and I started walking immediately which also helps. The best of luck to you.

[happy1957 138]

I didn't tell anyone except for my wife. It's nobody's business.

Wish I could have done the same. I wish my husband was the only one who knew. I have no regrets regarding anything about this surgery with the exception of who I've told.

[happy1957 138]

You don't have to tell anyone if you don't want to and don't feel guilty at all. It was your choice to have the surgery and you can choose who you will or will not tell. I just went ahead and told everyone I see on a regular basis because it was just easier than having to explain over and over. Most everyone was supportive - one lady even went on a diet (lol). But you are not obligated to tell a darn thing.

I originally thought I would have no issues and most people in my life would be supportive As time went on the negativity about how I could have done it on my own and have numerous times, started making me tight lipped. I hated dealing with the negativity. I think the straw that broke the camels back was last summer I was at a wedding and saw many family members that I hadn't seen in years. I received many compliments and at one point my cousin was telling me how great I looked and another "older" family member whom I had not spoken to about anything, stood up in front of 30 people, yelled down from the opposite end of a 10 ft table and yells, WELL SHE SHOULD LOOK GOOD, SHE HAD THAT BYPASS OPERATION! I was so stunned, I just stared her in the face, said I didn't have a bypass and this isn't the place to explain what I had. I was so embarrassed. It was like she said it to embarrass or belittle me. I sincerely would have loved to talk to anyone about it, I am an advocate for the surgery, but people are just so uncouth at times. It all stems fro fear, the fear of the unknown.

[happy1957 138]

It is everyone's personal decision what they tell people. I'm a completely open book. That's worked great for me.

As far as the guilt you're feeling for me there is only 2 ways to make it go away -

1. Reconcile with yourself that you've done nothing wrong and haven't lied or

2. Tell them

You have no control over the thoughts and opinions of someone else. Her opinion is her business, just like what you disclose to people is yours.

Deano

Morning Deano, I guess I'll have to reconcile with myself. Reading all these posts and some have made me laugh, I'm ok with the lying by omission :-) Thanks and have a great day!

[MichiganChic 3,262]

Protecting your PERSONAL information is not a lie. I'm always confused why we think just because someone asks us a question, they are entitled to an answer. People invading our privacy and being nosy need to have their attitudes adjusted, because while it is human nature to be nosy, getting the information isn't a constitutional right. I have run into this, and you are right. If you tell one person, you have told everyone. Sadly, I told lots of people by telling only a few. I know many people probably know, and only a few ask me directly, and I just give the line diet and exercise, and change the subject to them. Most people understand you don't want to discuss it an politely move on. I'm sure they discuss behind my back, but again, human nature.

[esantiago2871 1]

It is absolutely your right to decide who gets to know and how they are told.

I'm struggling with a similar issue' date=' with my new boss. She's complaining to my coworkers about how secretive I am. No, I'm not secretive, I'm private. There is a difference. Whenever my need for leave came up in conversation, she's wave her hands in the air and say "whatever you're having done." It's absolutely killing her not knowing.

To be honest, it's really pushed me into looking for a new job. Jobs in HR are hard to find these days, and I really loved my job. I've never worked so close to home (10 min away), have a wonderfully supportive group of co-workers, and am doing work I'm good at and enjoying, for employees I truly care about. I got this new boss three months ago and she has no boundaries. She piles the work on me, then sits in my office talking to me about her kids/family/personal issues. She lays off our HR assistant, then tells us we're not allowed to work overtime to get our work done. Then she approves my FMLA leave, and complains to everyone that will listen about me being out of the office, and talks crap about how I won't tell her why I needed leave.

Sorry, didn't mean to hijack your thread. I'm just at a breaking point regarding the privacy issue right now and need to VENT!!!! [/quote']

I would Definately see how going over her head n making s formal complaint would teach her butt.

[melodymouse 196]

I have been very honest about how I lost weight. It has made such an incredible difference in my life that if my choice encourages even one person to jump off the diet roller coaster and improve the quality of their life, then so much the better! I am very proud of myself, the courage it took for me to rise above my critics and succeed in spite of them. When someone makes a crack about the "Easy way out", I just snicker and say to them "CAREFUL! Your ignorance is showing!" And nothing more. Because they are ignorant about what WLS is, how or why it works. Giving what other people say or think about me more value than I give myself, is how I got in this mess in the first place! I will NEVER again allow anyone to have that kind of power over me!! The only person's opinion of me that TRULY matters, is My OWN!!!

[Chellemetime 299]

It is absolutely your right to decide who gets to know and how they are told.

I'm struggling with a similar issue' date=' with my new boss. She's complaining to my coworkers about how secretive I am. No, I'm not secretive, I'm private. There is a difference. Whenever my need for leave came up in conversation, she's wave her hands in the air and say "whatever you're having done." It's absolutely killing her not knowing.

To be honest, it's really pushed me into looking for a new job. Jobs in HR are hard to find these days, and I really loved my job. I've never worked so close to home (10 min away), have a wonderfully supportive group of co-workers, and am doing work I'm good at and enjoying, for employees I truly care about. I got this new boss three months ago and she has no boundaries. She piles the work on me, then sits in my office talking to me about her kids/family/personal issues. She lays off our HR assistant, then tells us we're not allowed to work overtime to get our work done. Then she approves my FMLA leave, and complains to everyone that will listen about me being out of the office, and talks crap about how I won't tell her why I needed leave.

Sorry, didn't mean to hijack your thread. I'm just at a breaking point regarding the privacy issue right now and need to VENT!!!! <img src='http://www.bariatricpal.com/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/angry.png' class='bbc_emoticon' alt='' /> [/quote']

Where are you located? My company has an opening for HR person and its a really good company!

[pinkpeonies 42]

Where are you located? My company has an opening for HR person and its a really good company!

That is so sweet. I'm about 40 mi N of Seattle. I see you're in TX? Bit of a commute! lol.

I go back to work Monday, and have a job interview the same afternoon, right after work. An ambitious first day back, but MAN I hope this interview goes well!

[TES 858]

Protecting your PERSONAL information is not a lie. I'm always confused why we think just because someone asks us a question, they are entitled to an answer. People invading our privacy and being nosy need to have their attitudes adjusted, because while it is human nature to be nosy, getting the information isn't a constitutional right. I have run into this, and you are right. If you tell one person, you have told everyone. Sadly, I told lots of people by telling only a few. I know many people probably know, and only a few ask me directly, and I just give the line diet and exercise, and change the subject to them. Most people understand you don't want to discuss it an politely move on. I'm sure they discuss behind my back, but again, human nature.

Beautifully stated!

[Chellemetime 299]

That is so sweet. <img src='http://www.bariatricpal.com/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.png' class='bbc_emoticon' alt='' /> I'm about 40 mi N of Seattle. I see you're in TX? Bit of a commute! lol.

I go back to work Monday' date=' and have a job interview the same afternoon, right after work. An ambitious first day back, but MAN I hope this interview goes well![/quote']

Lol, I guess it would be a bit of a commute, lol. Good luck on your interview!

[cerenatee 90]

This is just my opinion and it's only for my life but I believe in telling the truth. I don't mean to go into details with every single person that asks. For a casual passer-by who says "you look good, what are you doing", I'm fine with telling them I'm eating a lot less and exercising. But for someone that's really struggling, I'm either going to tell them the truth or say I don't want to talk about it. Saying I've lost weight because I'm dieting and exercising is just promoting the lie that "you too can lose weight and achieve my success if you just diet and exercise." If dieting and exercise was all it took, I wouldn't be having the surgery. Dieting and exercise failed me and I'm not going to have others feeling like crap because dieting and exercise is failing them too.

I don't know how many times I beat myself up for not being able to do what Tammy did, or not having the willpower Amanda had, to lose their excess weight, when they probably had surgery and just didn't tell me the truth when I asked them.