I am desperate and sad. Seeking advice, help or words of wisdom…

Like many of you my weight journey started a very long time ago – almost thirty years ago. I grew up with three older sisters and a single mother. My father died when I was seven years old. That was the end of family dinners. My sisters were 14, 17 and 18 – and my mother was 41 (my age right now). You can imagine the dieting / body image / food dysfunction that a household of five single women was a breeding ground for. Of course my mom made sure I was fed- there were frozen dinners (Lean Cuisine), but otherwise, there was not a lot of food in the house as my sisters/mom were always dieting. Having struggled with her weight for many years, my mom did not want me to suffer her same fate. However, when I went to my best friend’s house, that was another story….a panacea of forbidden food and treats – even a cookie jar (so blatant, so open, so tempting) which I so distinctly remember raiding daily. These memories are in no way to blame anyone – it is what it is, but it serves to concretize the all or nothing thinking that let me to my binge-like behavior. The craziness never caught up to me until age 14. I’m not sure if it was the academic stress of my high school or puberty, but I gained 30 pounds in one year – not a normal weight gain for a 14 year-old girl. At the end of that year I begged and pleaded to my mother to send me to weight watchers camp. She finally conceded probably thinking she help me would get this under control early on. I lost weight, I gained weight. I lost weight, I gained weight. Times this experience by five thousand and perhaps you have an idea of the number of attempts I have made in my life…Weight Watchers, Nutrisystem, diet pills, Atkins, boot camp, hypnosis, intuitive eating, life coaches, therapists, etc. There is no end to the torture I have felt and put myself through. Somehow the only thing that soothed the pain was the very thing causing it. My identity and sense of self-worth is so intricately involved with my weight – it’s near impossible to separate the two. And no matter how much insight I have into the craziness and the chaos, I have been unsuccessful at pulling myself out of it. -The desperation and the self-loathing getting stronger with every failed attempt. On occasions when I was able to lose weight and maintain for a while – it was truly a blissful feeling. Not because I felt so good about my appearance or ever felt skinny. But because it was such freedom from the obsessive thinking that has plagued me forever. It has been a very long time since I have experienced that – as for the past decade or so, the ‘fat me’ has won.

Don’t get me wrong, despite the occasional self-deprecating remark, this is my own private hell. I am a productive member of society – often helping others emerge from their own psychic pain. Friends think I am carefree and bubbly. Though I have not had to purchase an extra airline seat, I feel the pain of being over weight so deeply. I understand feeling invisible and the experience that people judge and do not take you seriously. There is shame and guilt and self-loathing that is difficult for anyone to understand who has not been there themselves. I know I am in a safe place to share this and unfortunately many of you have experienced this pain as well.

I had heard something about plication this past summer and I excitedly began researching options for surgery for lower BMI. Plication was definitely not the answer but I began to feel more and more certain that Veritical Sleeve Gastrectomy was the answer. There was no crazy bypassing of anything – just what seems like a completely rational reduction of a stomach that did not need to be so large – no major physical overhaul, less risks. Though I would have qualified in the states, my insurance would not have covered this. Despite my initial trepidation about Mexico, the more I researched it, the more excited I got about it. These doctors have done more VSGs than most any in the states. When I happened upon vertical sleeve talk, I felt like I discovered a whole new world – excitement took over me as I knew I had found an answer to a torture that had darkly clouded much of my world. I spent countless hours reading thousands upon thousands of posts. Weighing out the good, the bad and the ugly. This was not advertisement. These were not scholarly journals. This forum was filled with hundreds of people, just like myself, who have been through the pain and suffering and have emerged on the other side – grateful, free and loving their new life. What began as a pipe dream eventually became a reality.

I was scheduled for the week between Christmas and New Years. I told my mother and not another soul. I had a few concerns… obviously fear that something would go terribly wrong as I was by myself in Tijuana, and also how I was going to explain this drastic weight loss to anyone who might notice. But overall, I had a strange confidence that I would be okay a sense of calm about the decision.

The process of VSG in Mexico, at least the company that I went with, is like a well-oiled machine. I had no major complaints and the staff were very kind. I read enough of the forum members’ very detailed accounts, that I felt pretty familiar with the whole process.

Thank GOD!!! The surgery went off without a hitch. I did not vomit, I had no complications. I was able to eat without any negative consequences. I had gained about 15 pounds between the process of deciding to get this surgery – lost a little before surgery date. In the two weeks following I lost 14 pounds total. That was two months ago.

Herein lies the problem. I have not lost any weight in the two months since then. SO I am basically where I began. Or, let me clarify – I will lose 2 or 3 and gain it right back. I have a smaller stomach, I get fuller a little more quickly than before the surgery……BUT IN NO WAY do I have the restriction that any other person on this forum has. I mentioned I was lower BMI. Because of this, my surgeon informed me he decided to remove less than of the stomach than normal.

I now read this forum with tears in my eyes and resentment in my heart. How could this not have worked? My appetite is the same and there is very little restriction. So I am at this place where this has been the same failure as any other diet. How can this surgery which has been so life changing to so many hundreds and hundreds of people not even have had a slight impact on my situation?

I get it. I know I am the one who is supposed to make healthier choices, and eat less and exercise more. I have always known that. So have each of you. People on this forum lose weight not because of a purposeful massive overhaul on their thinking – yes, of course that plays into it, as it has for every diet we have all tried. People here lose the weight because their stomachs no longer allow them to eat how they used to. Either the food does not agree with them, or the restriction is drastically decreasing the amount of food eaten. Changes that occur with thinking and behavior absolutely do occur – but they occur as the RESULT of the physical changes. Otherwise, there is no way to explain the collective thousands of failed diet attempts. According to many articles the success rate of losing weight and keeping it off is 5%!

Do I talk to the surgeon again, or just let it go? I doubt he can do another surgery and feel like he will say ,“It was only a tool.” Am I truly the only person for whom this surgery did not work? The only thing that I am grateful for in all of this is, 1) That I did not die as a result of the surgery and am not suffering serious side effects and, 2) that this surgery did help so many who have been through this same suffering as I. I would still recommend someone have this done, as it has worked miracles for so many.

I am trying to finish being angry that it did not work on me – which is one of the reasons I am writing this letter. I am at a place now where I am dieting. I have started a four-day quasi-starvation diet today with the hopes that it will motivate me. I plan to try to stick with Atkins-type diet following that. But I am dieting and living as I always have – with obsessive thoughts (now mixed with disbelief of this failing) and a heavy heart.

My pre-surgery bundle of emotions including: excitement, fear, relief, exuberance, etc. Have been replaced by feelings of confusion, sadness and desperation. I am sorry if my feelings of anger come off as offensive to anyone. Any words of wisdom are welcome.

To the OP: it is about what you are eating. The "cravings" are in your head. No matter how small your stomach is you need to get a handle on this part of it. Even if your stomach is a little bigger, don't know who your surgeon is you won't mention it, you are failing because of what you are chosing to eat not because the sleeve is failing you.

BTW I had a BMI of 36, had Dr Garcia as a surgeon and he used a 32F bougie(to respond to amytug's post).

You need to get back to the basics: record your food intake, weigh/measure all of your food, eat high protein low carb, maybe see a councellor to help you through the cravings. Why are you even around pizza and eating two pieces of it? I do feel sorry for you but please don't blame the sleeve or the surgeon. Take a hold and be responsible for your actions and get the junk out of your house.

Just want to add that this surgery comes with a major lifestyle change. You should not be eating what you did pre-surgery and expecting the weight to miraculously fall off. There has to be a "diet change", better eating habits, in order to facilitate this. If you have obsessive thoughts etc, you clearly were not ready to being this life changing journey. Right now I beleive it is trouble in your head that is preventing you from being successful. Eating a starvation diet is not the way(as you put it). Most of us do eat low carb and I am sure that I will for the rest of my life. Good Luck to you.

To the OP: it is about what you are eating. The "cravings" are in your head. No matter how small your stomach is you need to get a handle on this part of it. Even if your stomach is a little bigger' date=' don't know who your surgeon is you won't mention it, you are failing because of what you are chosing to eat not because the sleeve is failing you.

BTW I had a BMI of 36, had Dr Garcia as a surgeon and he used a 32F bougie(to respond to amytug's post).

You need to get back to the basics: record your food intake, weigh/measure all of your food, eat high Protein low carb, maybe see a councellor to help you through the cravings. Why are you even around pizza and eating two pieces of it? I do feel sorry for you but please don't blame the sleeve or the surgeon. Take a hold and be responsible for your actions and get the junk out of your house.[/quote']

I agree 100%. Whether you have 85% or 75% of your stomach removed, that's still 3/4 of your stomach and there's not much difference in that restriction. Maybe drink more Water, you could be confusing your "hunger" with thirst.

Before surgery I was always a volume eater, it took a lot to fill me up. Pre-op I did WW and used their philosophy of filling with veggies before my main meal, I made my own version of their veggie soup or had a salad before my entree or eat an hour after. Frequent meals but low in calories. This might be a good strategy for you.

or possibly could be acid in your stomach that makes you feel like you are hungry.. but proper dieting should fix that.. and an antacid.. please stick to the diet that was provided.. if I get too full.. boy can I tell.. im very uncomfortable.. protein protein protein.. stay away from the fast food, high sugar foods.. even processed foods have hidden sugars and fats and high in sodium.. start tracking your food.. I do..and when I get close.. to my calorie limit... thats it for me..and I do get my water..and are you taking your vitamins regularly too? and Im afraid like the doc.. it is a tool.. and we have to be the ones to use it properly.. and I will have to ask my doc if he has ever taken less of the stomach because of a lower bmi.. never heard of that.. funny thing tho.. I was like in the beginning did he take it at all? lol.. just was worried it wasnt going to work for me..and sometimes the people with the lower bmi lose more slowly than those of us with higher bmi's. best of luck to you.. time to jump start your system... get it on the move again.. hopefully you will find something in these posts to help you out... dont give up.. we all have a story to tell.

I am still pre-op and would be considered a lower BMI, but your story could be my story... there's a huge amount of food/eating disordered history there in terms of your relationship with food and that's the part of you that needs the revision now - you have had your stomach size revised surgically, but you need to work on your head, too. I am constantly wondering how my own habits will have to change post-op b/c I COULD still eat a lot, just more often, and I COULD still eat lots of sweets/junk, but I will go into the procedure knowing that the fight is far from over... the sleeve is just your new secret weapon! There are some superb suggestions in this thread from veteran sleevers who know what to do to "work the sleeve" and I do believe you have to learn how to work it... you are still learning and maybe this time of sadness is bubbling your real issues to the surface so that you can face them and fight them both with your head and your sleeve so that you can be successful finally. I believe you CAN do it... you just need some direction and this is a wonderful place to get guidance.

Wow, your story is my worst fear. Most people don't believe you when you say you are doing everything right. I do. Been there, done that, and have the t shirt to prove it. Are you on any meds that may cause the problem? I changed Dr and she changed my meds around. The other docs kept telling me it was my eating habits. She said it was the drugs. Since changing them I have lost 35 pounds in 6 weeks. And I am pre sleeve. Google your meds to see. Look at the American board of Bariatric Physicians info and see if its genetic. It's not your fault!

Like any diet' date=' I am trying to eat right and exercise. I strive for Protein - yogurt, tuna, chicken, eggs, Protein shakes.

2 protein shakes and chicken for dinner will of course work - just like slimfast has worked countless times. The overall problem is not what I am eating. We all know how to lose weight - we have been experts at attempting to do so our whole lives. The problem is the fact that the cravings are there and the restriction is limited. So even if I lose weight, if I am not constantly depriving myself, I will gain it back. I have already seen this happen a few times since the surgery - and I am far from engaging in any pre-surgery bingeing behavior. There is definitely more restriction than bf the surgery, but not enough to keep me full, decrease the cravings or lose the weight. On a good day, I will eat protein. Between frustration and limited restriction, I do have weak days. On one such occasion I ate two slices of pizza within a half hour. I know many of you will be appalled by the thought of this, but aside from guilt, I did not have the least discomfort after doing so. That is just one example. He said he took out about 70-75% instead of the usual 85%. I am not sure if that makes a difference. If so, I can not imagine he would be willing to do a revision for the extra 10%...Thank you for your responses - this is the first time I have posted anything and it feels good to hear from people who understand.[/quote']

My surgeon also removed 75% of my stomach and I definitely feel restriction. Maybe it's more of a head hunger and not a true hunger like lots of people have experienced on here. It could also be acid, do you take something for that? I'm sorry the surgery isn't working for you, I'd ask a surgeon near you for his opinion.

Wow' date=' your story is my worst fear. Most people don't believe you when you say you are doing everything right. I do. Been there, done that, and have the t shirt to prove it. Are you on any meds that may cause the problem? I changed Dr and she changed my meds around. The other docs kept telling me it was my eating habits. She said it was the drugs. Since changing them I have lost 35 pounds in 6 weeks. And I am pre sleeve. Google your meds to see. Look at the American board of Bariatric Physicians info and see if its genetic. It's not your fault![/quote']

What medications were causing you not to lose weight?

Revision 1/31/13 by Dr Cabrera and Venezuela in MX

Sorry for what you are going through! I have made sure to have the proteins I can eat in the house and my husband has a special place he keeps the things he can eat that I don't. I'm almost 4 months out, and upped the amount of protein per the PA's suggestions. Trying to get my exercise and liquids in. Just got sick because I ate turkey breast. My husband weighed it for me and I made it through to ounces and part of a cloud bread....but it didn't agree with me. UGh! Take it a day at a time and track the protein. Good luck to you!