Sad and Seeking Words of Wisdom

[MaryC 1]

I am desperate and sad. Seeking advice, help or words of wisdom…

Like many of you my weight journey started a very long time ago – almost thirty years ago. I grew up with three older sisters and a single mother. My father died when I was seven years old. That was the end of family dinners. My sisters were 14, 17 and 18 – and my mother was 41 (my age right now). You can imagine the dieting / body image / food dysfunction that a household of five single women was a breeding ground for. Of course my mom made sure I was fed- there were frozen dinners (Lean Cuisine), but otherwise, there was not a lot of food in the house as my sisters/mom were always dieting. Having struggled with her weight for many years, my mom did not want me to suffer her same fate. However, when I went to my best friend’s house, that was another story….a panacea of forbidden food and treats – even a cookie jar (so blatant, so open, so tempting) which I so distinctly remember raiding daily. These memories are in no way to blame anyone – it is what it is, but it serves to concretize the all or nothing thinking that let me to my binge-like behavior. The craziness never caught up to me until age 14. I’m not sure if it was the academic stress of my high school or puberty, but I gained 30 pounds in one year – not a normal weight gain for a 14 year-old girl. At the end of that year I begged and pleaded to my mother to send me to weight watchers camp. She finally conceded probably thinking she help me would get this under control early on. I lost weight, I gained weight. I lost weight, I gained weight. Times this experience by five thousand and perhaps you have an idea of the number of attempts I have made in my life…Weight Watchers, Nutrisystem, diet pills, Atkins, boot camp, hypnosis, intuitive eating, life coaches, therapists, etc. There is no end to the torture I have felt and put myself through. Somehow the only thing that soothed the pain was the very thing causing it. My identity and sense of self-worth is so intricately involved with my weight – it’s near impossible to separate the two. And no matter how much insight I have into the craziness and the chaos, I have been unsuccessful at pulling myself out of it. -The desperation and the self-loathing getting stronger with every failed attempt. On occasions when I was able to lose weight and maintain for a while – it was truly a blissful feeling. Not because I felt so good about my appearance or ever felt skinny. But because it was such freedom from the obsessive thinking that has plagued me forever. It has been a very long time since I have experienced that – as for the past decade or so, the ‘fat me’ has won.

Don’t get me wrong, despite the occasional self-deprecating remark, this is my own private hell. I am a productive member of society – often helping others emerge from their own psychic pain. Friends think I am carefree and bubbly. Though I have not had to purchase an extra airline seat, I feel the pain of being over weight so deeply. I understand feeling invisible and the experience that people judge and do not take you seriously. There is shame and guilt and self-loathing that is difficult for anyone to understand who has not been there themselves. I know I am in a safe place to share this and unfortunately many of you have experienced this pain as well.

I had heard something about plication this past summer and I excitedly began researching options for surgery for lower BMI. Plication was definitely not the answer but I began to feel more and more certain that Veritical Sleeve Gastrectomy was the answer. There was no crazy bypassing of anything – just what seems like a completely rational reduction of a stomach that did not need to be so large – no major physical overhaul, less risks. Though I would have qualified in the states, my insurance would not have covered this. Despite my initial trepidation about Mexico, the more I researched it, the more excited I got about it. These doctors have done more VSGs than most any in the states. When I happened upon vertical sleeve talk, I felt like I discovered a whole new world – excitement took over me as I knew I had found an answer to a torture that had darkly clouded much of my world. I spent countless hours reading thousands upon thousands of posts. Weighing out the good, the bad and the ugly. This was not advertisement. These were not scholarly journals. This forum was filled with hundreds of people, just like myself, who have been through the pain and suffering and have emerged on the other side – grateful, free and loving their new life. What began as a pipe dream eventually became a reality.

I was scheduled for the week between Christmas and New Years. I told my mother and not another soul. I had a few concerns… obviously fear that something would go terribly wrong as I was by myself in Tijuana, and also how I was going to explain this drastic weight loss to anyone who might notice. But overall, I had a strange confidence that I would be okay a sense of calm about the decision.

The process of VSG in Mexico, at least the company that I went with, is like a well-oiled machine. I had no major complaints and the staff were very kind. I read enough of the forum members’ very detailed accounts, that I felt pretty familiar with the whole process.

Thank GOD!!! The surgery went off without a hitch. I did not vomit, I had no complications. I was able to eat without any negative consequences. I had gained about 15 pounds between the process of deciding to get this surgery – lost a little before surgery date. In the two weeks following I lost 14 pounds total. That was two months ago.

Herein lies the problem. I have not lost any weight in the two months since then. SO I am basically where I began. Or, let me clarify – I will lose 2 or 3 and gain it right back. I have a smaller stomach, I get fuller a little more quickly than before the surgery……BUT IN NO WAY do I have the restriction that any other person on this forum has. I mentioned I was lower BMI. Because of this, my surgeon informed me he decided to remove less than of the stomach than normal.

I now read this forum with tears in my eyes and resentment in my heart. How could this not have worked? My appetite is the same and there is very little restriction. So I am at this place where this has been the same failure as any other diet. How can this surgery which has been so life changing to so many hundreds and hundreds of people not even have had a slight impact on my situation?

I get it. I know I am the one who is supposed to make healthier choices, and eat less and exercise more. I have always known that. So have each of you. People on this forum lose weight not because of a purposeful massive overhaul on their thinking – yes, of course that plays into it, as it has for every diet we have all tried. People here lose the weight because their stomachs no longer allow them to eat how they used to. Either the food does not agree with them, or the restriction is drastically decreasing the amount of food eaten. Changes that occur with thinking and behavior absolutely do occur – but they occur as the RESULT of the physical changes. Otherwise, there is no way to explain the collective thousands of failed diet attempts. According to many articles the success rate of losing weight and keeping it off is 5%!

Do I talk to the surgeon again, or just let it go? I doubt he can do another surgery and feel like he will say ,“It was only a tool.” Am I truly the only person for whom this surgery did not work? The only thing that I am grateful for in all of this is, 1) That I did not die as a result of the surgery and am not suffering serious side effects and, 2) that this surgery did help so many who have been through this same suffering as I. I would still recommend someone have this done, as it has worked miracles for so many.

I am trying to finish being angry that it did not work on me – which is one of the reasons I am writing this letter. I am at a place now where I am dieting. I have started a four-day quasi-starvation diet today with the hopes that it will motivate me. I plan to try to stick with Atkins-type diet following that. But I am dieting and living as I always have – with obsessive thoughts (now mixed with disbelief of this failing) and a heavy heart.

My pre-surgery bundle of emotions including: excitement, fear, relief, exuberance, etc. Have been replaced by feelings of confusion, sadness and desperation. I am sorry if my feelings of anger come off as offensive to anyone. Any words of wisdom are welcome.

[lilbearzmom 584]

My first question is, what are you eating every day? That has everything to with feeling restriction. You don't mention that anywhere in your post. I am thinking that is the issue.

[VSGJean 68]

Yes, I'm with LilBear, what are you eating? What exercise are you doing? Try a Protein Shake for Breakfast and lunch and a high Protein dinner, Greek yogurt for Snacks between meals. This will work!! Go to your primary doctor and have him/her give you recommendations. Plus he should do your labs, since you went to Mexico for your surgery, so you need to follow up with him. I had too also and all my labs came back normal, but maybe something isn't right and he can add different Vitamins to your diet....

[Ms.AntiBand 2,984]

I lost 20 lbs the first two weeks post-surgery and NOTHING until recently and that's because I got the flu. Some of us are in long a$$ stalls and maybe that's what your experiencing

[Ms.AntiBand 2,984]

*you're

[Katie713 423]

I can understand your sadness and confusion. I went through this surgery nearly a year ago, and if I was in your shoes, I would probably feel the same way. To satisfy your curiousity, have you ever thought of having a barium swallow done to see what things look like on the inside? Another poster had a similar story and I'm sorry to say she was barraged with people doubting that she was even given the sleeve gastrectomy, that in fact she might have been duped by the surgeon because nothing made sense.

Can you describe whether you have any change in your ability to take in food & liquids. How did you feel in the beginning soon after surgery, and did you follow a tiered program of Clear Liquids, full liquids, pureed, soft and then solids? What does it feel like when you eat?

At this point a year out, I can tolerate more food and now I understand this is a "tool"....I have to be ever so diligent with my diet and exercise. I still have a ways to go and am at somewhat of a standstill but I plan to kick it up to restart my weight loss so I can get to goal.

I am sure you will get a myriad of replies, but we may need more information to help you figure this out, even if it is just for support.

[lessofmeismore 1,405]

If the dr said he removed less of your stomach than normal then there lies the problem.

You must contact the dr and have him revise the original surgery. There are cases like this. It sucks and it shouldn't happen but like complications it sometimes does and it is awful for the person.

You have to contact your surgeon and get the surgery you paid for... You need a smaller sleeve.

And I say all this off the basis that you say you have no restriction and the doctor told you he made your sleeve big.

It is odd that he would do that because most drs do not vary and also most drs know that larger sleeves failed in the past and that is why there are new standard sizes for success.

I sure hope you get this resolved and have great success!

[Ms.AntiBand 2,984]

Gosh, I missed the "low BMI bigger sleeve" part. Yikes! Who was your dr? There are 100's of us that went to MX with low to very low BMI and our sleeves are just like the higher ones. Never heard of a dr doing this and I'm sorry you found one

[Territravel 217]

First, I want to say I',m sorry that your going through this. It's crazy to think that your surgery hasn't been successful so far. Did your Doctor tell you how much of your stomach he removed? Yes, this is a tool, but one that works because of the restriction. I would call your surgeon and discuss your weight loss, see what he says. In the meanwhile, follow VSG guidelines. Protein, fluids, exercise. Don't weight for at least one week. Take your measurements, see if your losing inches..Try and remain positive, if you can!

[MaryC 1]

Like any diet, I am trying to eat right and exercise. I strive for Protein - yogurt, tuna, chicken, eggs, Protein Shakes.

2 protein shakes and chicken for dinner will of course work - just like slimfast has worked countless times. The overall problem is not what I am eating. We all know how to lose weight - we have been experts at attempting to do so our whole lives. The problem is the fact that the cravings are there and the restriction is limited. So even if I lose weight, if I am not constantly depriving myself, I will gain it back. I have already seen this happen a few times since the surgery - and I am far from engaging in any pre-surgery bingeing behavior. There is definitely more restriction than bf the surgery, but not enough to keep me full, decrease the cravings or lose the weight. On a good day, I will eat protein. Between frustration and limited restriction, I do have weak days. On one such occasion I ate two slices of pizza within a half hour. I know many of you will be appalled by the thought of this, but aside from guilt, I did not have the least discomfort after doing so. That is just one example. He said he took out about 70-75% instead of the usual 85%. I am not sure if that makes a difference. If so, I can not imagine he would be willing to do a revision for the extra 10%...Thank you for your responses - this is the first time I have posted anything and it feels good to hear from people who understand.

[rybecca20 160]

I'm sorry but u need to contact your surgeon. He is the one with the answers.

[lilbearzmom 584]

So are you saying that you do try and stick to the Protein shakes, tuna, yogurt, etc., but you feel no restriction with those foods, but that you also indulge in non-healthy "slider foods" regularly due to the lack of restriction? I would think that even with 75% of your stomach gone, you would feel significant restriction. Best thing to do is contact either your surgeon or another surgeon's office here in the states and ask some questions.

-Kendra

[amytug 996]

I've emailed dr. Garcia and he says he uses a 32 on bmi over 40, and 36 on those with a bmi under 40. Is this wht you are talkin about Cindy?

If so, that's a verrrry tiny difference in size.

I'm sorry you're having a hard time.

[Shawn Morrison 71]

I hope you keep trying. Knowing and thinking about food is very important but if you feel like you are to the point of obsessing over it maybe you are over thinking it. Try to just eat small amounts of good foods and do your best.

[SusieK710 130]

Since your physician is out of country, find a local dietician and/or counselor to help. Eat the densest food you can so it triggers your sleeve that you are full. Bless you.