Drugs - What am I doing to my body?

[divanita2006 0]

I was banded 6/22; a few days before you. I have been diagnosed with bi-polar for 16 years. I have been on lithium maintenance the entire time, along with ambien and seroquel for sleep. In the early days of lithium, I gained some weight, but it leveled off over time. My lack of activity and sedentary lifestyle put the extra curves on me!

After years of ups and downs, the meds have helped me live a productive life. My 21-yr old daughter is my biggest motivator. I wanted so badly to be a good Mom, even when I hadn't learned to love myself yet. I used to hate the meds, thinking that they would make me feel dull. No way! I am still the creative, silly, intelligent lady that I've always been; just more confident, and I have more faith. I paint, draw, flirt, laugh loudly, and I do hip-hop dancing at 47.

I got the band because of my co-morbidities catching up with me, and a family full of diabetics.

I want to send my love, and give you a counseling resource that might be helpful:

Grace-Christian Outpatient-800-781-6113. If you want to holler at someone who understands, let me know. I'll send my #.

We are all in this together. You are NEVER alone, love.

[BeacheeGirl 0]

Thank you. I do have good insurance. Blue Cross/Blue Shield PPO. Money is not an issue. My husband does know, he is the only one. Sometimes it is HIM that wants to party. He is a total recreational user, not an addict like me. He could care less about drugs. I'm usually the instigator though. He doesn't understand why I care more about it then him. What he is not casual about is Marijuana, he smokes all day EVERY day. This however, is NOT an issue for me. I don't smoke weed, don't like the way it makes me feel. I like the mind altering hallucogenics, give me Ex, Shrooms, Acid, Coke any day. (I am scared to death of meth though). I should be just as scared of these other drugs. When I look at all of the responses it seems like I really am self-medicating. I need to get my moods under control. Aaarrgghhh! I wish I could connect more to those that go to my church. I miss my old congregation I grew up in (different city) I felt so connected and loved there. How can someone that loves God and prays as much and has as much religious guilt as I do simply keep making bad decisions? Isn't there a point where God is just like 'you know what, i am tired of you!'??? You keep saying your sorry but all thoughts of me go out the door when you want to get high'???? If I were God I would be so sick of me. Why can't I have self-discipline? Why can't I just take myself to church when I should? Why am I so quick and alert to party but when it comes to going to a church meeting at 7:30 pm I am 'too tired'? I really, really hate myself sometimes...I need to grow the F*&( up and stop having a pity party. Grow a back bone, muster up some strengh, put other peoples interest in front of my own...

[BeacheeGirl 0]

I was banded 6/22; a few days before you. I have been diagnosed with bi-polar for 16 years. I have been on lithium maintenance the entire time, along with ambien and seroquel for sleep. In the early days of lithium, I gained some weight, but it leveled off over time. My lack of activity and sedentary lifestyle put the extra curves on me!

After years of ups and downs, the meds have helped me live a productive life. My 21-yr old daughter is my biggest motivator. I wanted so badly to be a good Mom, even when I hadn't learned to love myself yet. I used to hate the meds, thinking that they would make me feel dull. No way! I am still the creative, silly, intelligent lady that I've always been; just more confident, and I have more faith. I paint, draw, flirt, laugh loudly, and I do hip-hop dancing at 47.

I got the band because of my co-morbidities catching up with me, and a family full of diabetics.

I want to send my love, and give you a counseling resource that might be helpful:

Grace-Christian Outpatient-800-781-6113. If you want to holler at someone who understands, let me know. I'll send my #.

We are all in this together. You are NEVER alone, love.

Thanks for the love - lord knows I need it. I feel so alone sometimes with the voices in my head (not real voices, I'm crazy but not that crazy) Just the voices of my conscience.

Is that # anonymous? I really want to find the right therapist, i do, i do, i do. I am just so scared of the mood stabilizing drugs. I don't want to sabotage the weight loss. I want to feel good about my appearance (selfish, ha?)

I have sooo many issues, I am one sick puppy. Childhood molestation, teenage rape, abuse, etc. I don't know what came first the chicken or the egg. Am I really bi-polar or did my mind just freak out because of what has happened to me. It's probably real as I hate to admit it though. My uncle is Schizophrenic and my Aunt and Grandfather are both bi-polar.

[3loves 0]

Do you still have any connections at your old church? I spoke to my old pastor 2 wks ago. He is turning 85 and I can't believe it, he is retired now. Maybe you could try contacting someone from the old days or maybe you just need to find another church. Or maybe you just need to surrender to what you know God wants in your life. You do need God, but you also need someone to help you get off drugs.

You know, I feel the need to share this with you b/c it is so appropriate. Tonight at church, the pastor spoke on Opportunity and quoted Isaiah 55:6 "Seek ye the Lord while He may be found, call ye upon Him while He is near." You need to get on your knees. God is speaking to you. Talk to Him. I will share some other things our pastor said....

Sickness teaches the weakness of our worldly body, our limitations, reminds us of our littleness of life, & other dependents on God. Sorrow is God's great ministers, it brings life into reality.

I must have been taking notes tonight for you my dear. I can feel God working in your heart. Do you have a bible? Get it out and read it. If not, you can use this site: http://www.biblegateway.com/. You are so close, you need Him now more than ever.

BTW, if there is anyone reading this that doesn't agree with what I have said, please don't use this thread to start a religious discussion. I am honestly trying to help and I am sharing my heart. Start another thread if you must, but let's keep this about Beachee. She needs our support.

[divanita2006 0]

Here are some local resources for Oxnard:

1. Ventura County Mental Health Directory
   
2. ... 6 pm - 7 pm, 1st Tu * West Oxnard Behavioral Health Clinic, 1400 Vanguard, Oxnard, CA, 93030; Addie Lara: 805-652 ... PROFESSIONAL CONTACT: Individual therapists: Ronald Bale, Ph.D ...
   askdamaris.com/ventura_county_mental_health_dir.htm - 18k - Cached - More from this site - Save
   
3. VCHCA - Children's Services
   ... Behavioral Health Department. Children's Services ... located in Simi Valley, Thousand Oaks, Oxnard, Ventura and Santa Paula ... and Mental Health. Therapists are placed on-site at designated ...
   www.vchca.org/bh/children.htm - 18k - Cached - More from this site - Save
   
4. Psychology Today: Therapists, Psychologists, Counseling in 93023
   ... Click for all therapists in one of these cities: Camarillo. Carpinteria. Ojai. Oxnard. Santa Paula ... issues of depression, anxiety, behavioral problems, substance abuse, grief & loss ...
   cms.psychologytoday.com/bpdworld/zip/93023.html - 43k - Cached - More from this site - Save
   
5. @LA Medical/Healthcare: Mental Health in Southern California: Los Angeles County, Orange County, Riverside County, ...
   ... Associated Therapists, Huntington Beach, Long Beach, Torrance. Aurora Behavioral Health Care, Covina ... Rader Programs, Oxnard, West LA. South Coast Medical Center Eating Disorders ...
   at.la/med/@la-ment.htm - 53k - Cached - More from this site - Save
   
6. Payson Road Resources
   Resources for Professionals: For a complete map to the Payson Road website, check out our site index. ... therapists specialized in the treatment of eating disorders. The program will utilize a multi-disciplinary approach including cognitive-behavioral ... Rader Programs, Oxnard, CA and ...
   www.paysonroad.com/Resources.htm - 57k - Cached - More from this site - Save
   
7. Saturday, April 24th (PDF)
   ... Board of Behavioral Sciences Provider License Number PCE 2289. The Association of Educational Therapists is approved ... Warner Center Marriott. 21850 Oxnard St. Woodland Hills, CA 91367 ...
   www.aetonline.org/event_files/LABrochure.pdf - 324k - View as html - More from this site - Save
   
8. California CBT Therapists CBT Therapy Cognitive Behavioral Therapy in California CA
   ... Home > Find a Therapist > California Cognitive Behavioral Therapists, Psychologists, Psychiatrists ... Beverly Hills. Hacienda Heights. Oxnard. Studio City. Big Bear City ...
   www.4therapists.com/cbt/ca/index.html - 74k - Cached - More from this site - Save
   
9. Counseling - General
   Counseling - General. Psychotherapy services offering individual, marriage, family, child or group treatment. ... Behavioral Health Department Mental Health Services. Braille Institute of America. California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists ... de la Comunidad de Oxnard. Clinicas del ...
   www.icfs.org/blue_book/htm_files/si000053.htm - 15k - Cached - More from this site - Save

[Leila 0]

I'd like to add my voice to yours 3loves. I am not a religious person, I do not believe in God. But that doesn't matter AT ALL in this case because the fact is Beachee Girl has faith, and faith for believers is a source of strength, support, love, and much more. I believe we should all use what tools we have to move towards health. I'm glad those that do share Beachee Girl's faith are able to encourage her and support her in the way that you are doing.

Take care of yourself Beachee Girl!

XO

Leila

Do you still have any connections at your old church? I spoke to my old pastor 2 wks ago. He is turning 85 and I can't believe it, he is retired now. Maybe you could try contacting someone from the old days or maybe you just need to find another church. Or maybe you just need to surrender to what you know God wants in your life. You do need God, but you also need someone to help you get off drugs.

You know, I feel the need to share this with you b/c it is so appropriate. Tonight at church, the pastor spoke on Opportunity and quoted Isaiah 55:6 "Seek ye the Lord while He may be found, call ye upon Him while He is near." You need to get on your knees. God is speaking to you. Talk to Him. I will share some other things our pastor said....

Sickness teaches the weakness of our worldly body, our limitations, reminds us of our littleness of life, & other dependents on God. Sorrow is God's great ministers, it brings life into reality.

I must have been taking notes tonight for you my dear. I can feel God working in your heart. Do you have a bible? Get it out and read it. If not, you can use this site: http://www.biblegateway.com/. You are so close, you need Him now more than ever.

BTW, if there is anyone reading this that doesn't agree with what I have said, please don't use this thread to start a religious discussion. I am honestly trying to help and I am sharing my heart. Start another thread if you must, but let's keep this about Beachee. She needs our support.

[NeenBand 7]

BeacheeGirl, nothing is wrong with you, your not bad and your not weak. What you do have is bipolar depression (you mentioned this in your post above right?) and BiPolars or depressive people have a disease and need to be managed our entire lives or we use food, sex , drink or drugs to medicate ourselves. We can be very destructive.

It's very important for people like us to be under care. A counselor, medication or both. For most of us it's both. God gave us these people who counsel and the minds to develop these drugs for a reason.

Get the help you need before you start to self medicate to feel good again, and when you feel better stay with it. Too often we stop doing what we need to to keep ourselves balanced an on track once we feel better. This includes addicts. It's so very important for anyone who has had a drug problem to continue counseling, support groups or a 12 step program, etc.Whatever works for you.

Be well.

[3loves 0]

I believe we should all use what tools we have to move towards health. I'm glad those that do share Beachee Girl's faith are able to encourage her and support her in the way that you are doing.

Take care of yourself Beachee Girl!

XO

Leila

Very well said and it's a better way of wording it than I did above. You do have a way with words Leila and you are so kind!! Beachee, you know you are getting support from all angles and we're all pulling for you!!

[BeacheeGirl 0]

So many good points. I can take both points of view no problem I AM not sensitive in the least. I have very thick skin and I'm very goofy and I probably make more fun of myself then anyone could EVER do. Don't ever, ever worry about offending me. You would have to talk bad about my kids or something like that to bother me.

3 Loves - I think the spirit did move you to take those notes for me. I need spiritual counsel. I can't go back to my old church. It's very complicated. But, I need to work on my Bible personal study. I'm not sure what scripture it is but this haunts me all the time "Faith without works is dead". I'm dead.

Leila, my husband is an atheist and we manage to co-exist together quite well. I love him dearly. While I pray for God to move his heart to accept God, my husband plays to the Buddha Bud gods for me to shut the hell up! LOL. I definitely can appreciate your points of view as well. I wonder what it would be like sometime to have no accountability to God. My husband is living proof though that you CAN live your life well and be a good person without HIM. While I know in my heart that he would find God a great source of comfort, I never try to push him, but if he asks me questions I answer. My husband is seriously so kind and thoughtful all the time and I love him for that.

Divanita - THANK you. I was googling earlier and I was having trouble finding the right results and knowing which keywords would bring up the most choices for me.

Leenerbups - so you are bi-polar too? No wonder I feel drawn to you. I LOVE your sense of humor. Your sig is too funny. That was one of the best SNL skits with Will Farrel. I bought the Best of DVD of Will. Side splitting funny.

[mousecrazy 2]

You've been given good advice and lots to think about, and so many people are reaching out to you. From all angles, as was said, but I like to think that you are being reached from all "angels" as well!

Having a spiritual hole in your life can cause you to fill it with things that cause even more pain. Pain can cause you to come closer to God, which is part of the purpose of pain. It would do no good to imagine a life without accountability to God, since even in an atheistic viewpoint, all action has consequence...in a Christian viewpoint, the consequences are more eternal, but what is kharma but ultimate consequences?

Well, I got off on that idea, huh? All I was wanting to say was to encourage you to reach out God, read your Bible, find a spiritual guide, something to fill that hole, and do something nice for someone every time you even think of those nasty chemicals!

The best of luck and health to you, and I hope you feel the care and concern in everyone's responses....

Hugs, Cindyh

[mousecrazy 2]

You've been given good advice and lots to think about, and so many people are reaching out to you. From all angles, as was said, but I like to think that you are being reached from all "angels" as well!

Having a spiritual hole in your life can cause you to fill it with things that cause even more pain. Pain can cause you to come closer to God, which is part of the purpose of pain. It would do no good to imagine a life without accountability to God, since even in an atheistic viewpoint, all action has consequence...in a Christian viewpoint, the consequences are more eternal, but what is kharma but ultimate consequences?

Well, I got off on that idea, huh? All I was wanting to say was to encourage you to reach out to God, read your Bible, find a spiritual guide, something to fill that hole, and do something nice for someone every time you even think of those nasty chemicals!

The best of luck and health to you, and I hope you feel the care and concern in everyone's responses....

Hugs, Cindy

[divanita2006 0]

Just stopping by to see how you are feeling today:confused:

[housecatgirl 0]

I agree with what Randi L said. When I was a teen I drank and did drugs and was thin. Now that I am older my addiction is food.:hungry: I just traded one for the other. I wish I could be addicted to exercise...that's my new plan.:heh:

It took courage to admit this on the forum and :clap2: for that!! Now, do something else...knit, take a class, exercise. And, I agree with going to a meeting or seeking help.

[Iulizbug 0]

I am the same way. I used to use drugs heavily when I was in college and was thin and beautiful and felt like the life of the party. When I quit, I gained weight and turned to eating.....:hungry: Fast forward 3 years later I am losing the weight but now I want to shop...(Sigh..) It seems that people with addictive personalities will always have to deal with that feeling of boredom and void.

~Liz~

03/10/06

241/187/150ish

5'7''

[BeacheeGirl 0]

Just stopping by to see how you are feeling today:confused:

I'm doing okay. I talked to a therapist (thanks to your research) and I have an appointment on Wednesday afternoon. I am trying to keep busy. I swim and go to the gym a lot, weekdays are fine, weekends are the hard time.

My mood right now is glum, but that's part of being crazy, one minute I'm up, one minute I'm down.

The interesting things about my counselor is she specializes, in interracial relationships. That's a hoot because that's what me and hubby are. In fact I have never, ever dated a white man. Just not attracted to them (BORING). And, when my family abandoned me when I was a teenager the only people that accepted me were my black friends and family. I'm hispanic and white myself...but have never felt "part" of any community but my black family.

In high school people used to tease me about being a N#$#$ lover but it never bothered me really (I just felt sorry for them because they are missing out). Now I run into those same people here and there and they are all into rap and stuff, very funny to me. In fact, one girl who was mean to me and always made fun of me and talked so much ish when I got pregnant with my son and married his father, actually came up to me at a bar a few years ago and said "omg! guess what! I DATE BLACK GUYS NOW! We should hang out" - I just laughed and walked away. This is a lilly white girl who would never, ever, bring a black man home but turned out she was slumming for a few years and I hear she just married a white guy.

See, my moods, I go on a tangeant and I just ramble and ramble and ramble. LOL, it was funny though thinking about that stuff.