Intimacy issues

Randi L · July 19, 2006

Ok, I'm single - and I've had all the same thoughts - and you did a really good job posting how you really feel about it all.

I keep thinking - I'll buy great lingerie and not deal with the naked issue either way, as I'm not going to sleep with someone without feeling something deep for them.

I've been to Texas, I've been to New Orleans, I lived in Los Angeles.

I've spent time in New York, and spent a year in Las Vegas. Talk about your big hair, big makeup, look perfect all the time in heels women~~~

I was fat in all those places, and never had a problem finding someone, who really didn't care what I looked like.... I guess, because I've always had boyfriends.

Back to the lingerie - I can't wait to shop in Victoria's Secret -!!!!

I can't wait to buy it for ME... I'm tired of buying cotton nightgowns at Walmart because "it doesn't matter what I wear", and I am REAL TIRED

of buying the bra's and underware at Lane Bryant that NEVER fits.

Men are horny, yes, but some men (as I've been lucky enough to find )

really do care about a woman's personality.

By the way, the most beautiful girls in the world get DUMPED, and they don't even have stretch marks, let alone big scars from the fat battle.

I have no desire to wear a bikini, my one piece will be fine. Shorts would be really cool - and a simple white t shirt, I'm a simple gal.

nicknac33 · July 19, 2006

I can relate to both ways of this. I was more conscious of myself at 260lbs then now. Thats why I think God made me gain all this weight. LOL. I mean I know it is a huge issue. BELIEVE ME. Sometimes I am surprised I still have friends by how dumb I used to be about guys not liking fat chics etc. I worked as a bartender for 9yrs so I know how guys are. If I had a nickle for everytime someone said.."if you lost weight..OMG,blah blah blah." MY NP told me of a great book to read ..."The Velveteen Principle" It has literally helped change my way of thinking. It is an adult book based on the Velveteen Rabbit. It is about being "REAL". Its a small book, and really has touched me. Every time I get worried about MY fat issues. I go back to being REAL. I didnt even remember the Velveteen Rabbit story until I read this book. Just get it, I think it will help. Okay back to my fat thing. I hate it yeah, I never had stretch marks until I had a TT done. I kinda look at them as tattoos. I always was worried about my arms etc. But now I honestly think people see you as you see yourself. It seems to work. If you feel really bad,, go on a cruise,,,youll see plenty of biguns on there running around in bathing suits. Also more hot chics are actually as insecure if not more then we are. It takes too much energy and time to be perfect. Even if you didnt have your scars, youd have something else to be worried about.. like a divet in your armpit, or a fucked up little toe, one nostril bigger then the other. Its just too bad we are more conditioned to be sensitive to are imperfections because we are fat chics (and dudes).

giveyouthemoon · July 19, 2006

Except her mother...

Teee, nope. My mother doesn't know that I have the band. She is incredibly unsupportive and a gossip so she has no need to know. It was just me.

My sister had to come and drive me home from the hospital because the hospital wouldn't release me on my own. That was it.

:rolleyes

teee · July 20, 2006

Oh yeah. I told my mother, even though I knew it would invite constant queries about my weight loss, because it seems like my weight is her constant concern. Turned out she was the only one to visit me in hospital, so it was a good thing. It's funny, the things we have to put up with.

"Just" Paul · July 20, 2006

I told my folks, now they only want to talk about my weight when I call them.

"How's your weight"

"lost anymore"

"what size are you wearing"

"what's the doc think"

"How's your support group"

"bla bla bla"

I think it may be just as bad as them not knowing.

lisah25 · July 20, 2006

I told my folks, now they only want to talk about my weight when I call them.
"How's your weight"

"lost anymore"

"what size are you wearing"

"what's the doc think"

"How's your support group"

"bla bla bla"

I think it may be just as bad as them not knowing.

I hear ya! My mom does that a lot. She has for years. So telling her won't really change anything since she's already doing that!

teee · July 20, 2006

I actually straight-out told my mother that she was not allowed to ask any more questions about my weight or weight loss. I may have been quite insensitive about it, but two weeks post-op I was more concerned about getting on with a normal kinda life. She has't asked yet, but it's only been a week. At least this way she feels involved in my life somehow...so she can rest easy that her daughter is on a good path. Sigh. Parents.

HunnyBun · July 20, 2006

I don't believe I'd wait until THE moment to mention it, though. That could definitely dampen the mood because it would force him to focus on something other than sex. It would probably have nothing to do with seeing the scars, just throwing off the mental thing.

As for me, I kind of believe that telling a man fairly early in the relationship would serve two purposes. It would stop heartbreak later. If you found out he had a problem with it, it seems to me that knowing that information up front could avoid falling in love THEN finding out he couldn't handle a few scars.

The other purpose, for me, would be to weed out men I don't want. I, personally, wouldn't want a man who would have never considered dating me as a heavy person. That would be a deal-breaker, and I'd send him packing. I'm not interested in a man who has a prejudice about heavy people. To me, that is a character flaw.

Any man I would consider would be the sort of guy who would view my journey to health as a battle won and, thusly, a reminder that I am one strong, capable, and motivated woman.

Koala

Why is it a characted flaw if a man is not attracted to a heavy woman?

I don't really understand your point of view because I don't think there is anything wrong with a man who doesn't find himself aroused by a woman who is either really heavy or really thin.

We all have things that we dislike. Some like curvy girls, so like to see the ribcake poking out. Some like BMW's, other wouldn't be caught dead driving a Euro car. Some like the country, some like the city. Some love rap, others like rock.

Why is it a flaw to have a preference? That's an unfair judgement in my opinion. It's what you are naturally attracted to, what your eyes see and brain desires.

I happen to have a huge weakness for tall men, and short men, especially shorter than me, just don't do it for me at all. I just don't find them desireable, is that a flaw too? I can't help it if I don't find someone attractive.

I have nothing against men who don't find me attractive, as long as they respect me, that is ok. When I lose weight and I find a man, I wont care if he wouldnt date me when I was heavy. It's his personal preference. I would however break up with him if he was anti fat all together and was disrespectful to heavy people.

I wouldn't expect anyone to like me fat because I don't like myself fat. If i thought fat was hot, I'm not sure if I'd want to lose all my weight.

sbmorgaine · July 20, 2006

My mom just keeps saying "do you really think you will be able to eat pizza after the band? Is that a good idea?" Like I am going to become a vegan and only eat super healthy foods because of the band. It is a tool to eat less, not a brain transplant :heh: !!!!!!!!

I wanted to agree with whomever said that people perceive you the way that you think of yourself. For years, I have been fat, but I have never acted fat (until the last 3.5 years when I really started having physical syptoms from my weight). I pretty much dated who I wanted, a lot of times I got the hotties, because I could make them laugh. I know that it doesn't always work, but making someone laugh and not acting fat can really help. If you sit in a corner thinking "my god, no one will ever date me, I am so fat", everyone looking at you will think "my god, she is so fat, who would date her??"

"Just" Paul · July 20, 2006

Hunny...

Very profound, and very honest statements.

I applaud you! :clap2: :clap2: :clap2:

teee · July 20, 2006

Wise words, Jack. But I would go one step further and blame my own mother for my failed self image. It may sound like pop psych, and I really don't let it cloud my judgement in any way, but I did grow up being told that I couldn't do things other kids could do because I was fat.

I never did get past that.

And hunnybunny, i agree with you to a certain degree. I have often found myself attracted to men that weren't attracted to me because I was fat. Not that i knew that was the reason, but it always was so in my head. I do want to be loved for me - but I know the fat me isn't the true me anyhow.

PhotoNut · July 20, 2006

I mean if you cant tell them the truth about that ... Why:confused: are you having sex with them????

Couldn't agree more. I have tons more I could say, but I won't.

nursekathy2u · July 20, 2006

Koala
Why is it a characted flaw if a man is not attracted to a heavy woman?

I don't really understand your point of view because I don't think there is anything wrong with a man who doesn't find himself aroused by a woman who is either really heavy or really thin.

We all have things that we dislike. Some like curvy girls, so like to see the ribcake poking out. Some like BMW's, other wouldn't be caught dead driving a Euro car. Some like the country, some like the city. Some love rap, others like rock.

Why is it a flaw to have a preference? That's an unfair judgement in my opinion. It's what you are naturally attracted to, what your eyes see and brain desires.

I happen to have a huge weakness for tall men, and short men, especially shorter than me, just don't do it for me at all. I just don't find them desireable, is that a flaw too? I can't help it if I don't find someone attractive.

I have nothing against men who don't find me attractive, as long as they respect me, that is ok. When I lose weight and I find a man, I wont care if he wouldnt date me when I was heavy. It's his personal preference. I would however break up with him if he was anti fat all together and was disrespectful to heavy people.

I wouldn't expect anyone to like me fat because I don't like myself fat. If i thought fat was hot, I'm not sure if I'd want to lose all my weight.

Hunny bun,

You better read what Koala wrote again. She said she thought it was a character flaw if a man was predjudiced against heavy people. Not if he wasnt attracted to a heavy woman.

I agree with both of you. Men and women are attracted to different things. If a man is not attracted to "fat" then I wouldnt want him dating me because I am fat. (The same would apply to most anything. If I have it, and your not attracted to it) then dont date me because it will most likely not work out.) BUT, if he WAS attracted to me but wouldnt date me because I was fat then he can take a flying leap. That would be a predjudice and I would consider that a character flaw.

Kathy

nursekathy2u · July 20, 2006

NurseKathy & Kat: I don't think my standards are too high. Au contraire, I'm trying to gird myself up against having "Fat Girl Better Take What Comes Her Way" syndrome. Although I did remember comedian Groucho Marx who famously said 'he'd never want to join a club that would allow him to become a member.' Especially when I was heavier, I would often wonder if I should date anyone who would date me.:heh: I like men, like dating, but doing it as an obese woman ranged from an exercise in futility to :paranoid just being a downright waste of time, sometimes. I was frankly having to keep my spirits up just to endure the whole process of getting up, primping up, fluffing up and dressing up to go out with pals (things I enjoyed when I wasn't obese) and being the fattest girl at the party/club/event - and knowing full well I was being overlooked for that. WHEW! That was tiring.

I'd rather be positive, and experience positive outcomes.

So although I realize many, many women here have had outstanding dating success despite their weight - for me - it's a little bit nicer to approach "The Dating Scene" without having to be fhe Fattest Girl or 'The Girl With The Great Personality'.

:guess

Again, this input is outstanding.:clap2:

New Sho,

I really wasn't implying that your standards are too high. If I came across that way it wasnt my intention. I was just sharing that I realized that MY standards were too high, or not really too high but warped maybe? I was married once before. All my previous dating experience was when I was young, skinny and hot! When I got divorced I was not longer young, skinny and hot. It took me 5 years to get to the point that I would even consider trying to date when I couldnt stand the way I looked, had no self confidence and difficulty trusting men again. I started dating again but realized that I was still looking for men who were tall, dark and handsome. And I didnt really care about their morals, scruples etc., as long as they were hotties. The men I DID date that were T,D & H, I found I was not attracted to emotionally. It was a real revelation to me to realize that the things that were important to me in a male companion had changed. I guess I realized I wanted more from a man than just a pretty package, which had been my pre-marriage criteria. When I broadened my horizons I met men whom I had previously excluded based solely on looks. Who knew a bald guy could be so dang sexy??? Or a computer geek could really melt my heart with his compassion for other people. I never knew I could or would be attracted to anyone who wasnt "my type". I dunno, I was just sharing my wonder at finding geniune happiness and contentment with men who I had previously excluded based solely on looks. Now that I am older and wiser different things "turn me on". Like when my husband cries when something touches his heart. Now THAT is HOTTTTTTTTT to me!!!!!!! I know there are men out their who feel the same way about us girls. I don't think those men will give a hoot about scars and WLS. Thank God for men who have more going for them than just their looks!! Attraction is the key. Not looks. To me anyway.

Kathy

Koala · July 20, 2006

To anyone who misunderstood my posting,

Please note the highlighted words:

"The other purpose, for me, would be to weed out men I don't want. I, personally, wouldn't want a man who would have never considered dating me as a heavy person. That would be a deal-breaker, and I'd send him packing. I'm not interested in a man who has a prejudice about heavy people. To me, that is a character flaw."

I am not interested in telling other people how to feel. I was simply sharing my opinion to the original poster. Everyone has preferences. Personally, I don't waste time with anyone who treats other people poorly: fat, thin, ugly, beautiful, short, tall, etc.

My words state exactly what I mean. I did not imply that men who aren't attracted to large women have a character flaw. On the contrary, I believe it's a good thing to know what you want and to be true to yourself. However, prejudice is a totally different thing.