male only Support from Wife?

[roboniko 2]

I am having the sleeve on Tuesday and I am in need of the surgery. However, my wife is "jealous" that I am having it and that I will be losing weight "the easy way" as she put it. She is 5'6" and 170lbs and I think she is just fine. She is frustrated on her end of losing weight and I guess she is feeling a little resentful. Problem is, 1) I don't think this will be "easy" and 2) now I feel that I really can't talk to her or count on her for full support. If I do talk to her, now I will feel that I am just making her feel bad. STUCK!

Have any other guys had this problem? Suggestions? I think I will be relying on this forum A LOT.....

[Eureka-C 20]

My situation is a little different, but I feel that I can't talk to my husband either. Thats why i found this little island. I know that my husband is a worrier and if i tell him any doubts or normal neg feelings, he would be all upset and like, "then why did you do it? did we waste the money?" Instead i use this forum for support. hope you find it helpful as well. And I am sorry about the loss of support. It must be frustrating.

[Tiffykins 672]

I'm not a man, but I can understand how she feels. I weighed over 100lbs more than my husband, and he thought I could just do it on my own with him helping me working out. Yeah, that flew over like a brick in a poop poop storm.

I was so mad, angry at him that he didn't understand. But, we worked it out, and after 2.5 almost 3 years of seeing me struggle with my weight, he realized that I couldn't do it on my own. It was a struggle at first because he wanted to be the "food police", and that caused a lot of bickering.

Lean on us, if you want to use this place as your main support, post away, find a mentor with one of the other guys. Swiftflow on here ROCKS, he's amazing, has a youtube channel on his journey. You can find him through the member search at the top.

Also, on obesityhelp.com there is a forum dedicated to spouses of WLS patients. Your wife may find some comfort in talking with other spouses that are experiencing the same emotions.

This is definitely not easy, and I don't know your wife, but sometimes spouses try to sabotage our efforts. When my husband thought I had lost enough weight, he started bringing home little Snacks, offering me little bites of his Cookies or a few spoonfuls of his ice cream. . . You'll have to lovingly and gently set some boundaries. She may not even realize she's doing it.

[roboniko 2]

Thanks, will mention the site to her but I doubt it will matter. Actually broke 350 this morning and I was so excited I told her. Well, that didn't go so well. Her reply was "I starve myself and walk all week and not lost a pound". Then I asked her if she wanted to try my diet. Well, that wasn't good either. SO it seems that this is one of those situations where I can't win no matter what I do or say. What a bummer! After all this is supposed to be a journey and would not prefer to travel it alone.

To hell with it, surgery in 2 days. My new life starts then.:thumbdown:

[chilo1 62]

Good luck to you, I'm sorry you don't have the support of your wife. You should explain that 1) This is NOT an easy way out, it takes a lot of strenghth and will power and "balls" to do this and 2) You NEED to do this for the sake of your health, while she might be a bit overweight (is she?) your obesity will lead you to an early grave if you don't do something about it now, she wouldn't want that, I know I wouldn't. The best of luck, you will be in my prayers.

[roboniko 2]

Thank you so much! I really appreciate it.. places and people like this are really a life saver!!!

[lamsunshine 2]

Tim, I'm sorry your wife is not supportive. I know that will be hurdle that you will need to get over. I do want to let you know she is totally wrong about "the easy way", it is not easy at all. You will have all of our support here, and just know you are not on this journey alone, we are all on it together. I hope your wife comes to her senses early, and is there for you. Keep us posted on your journey.

[Dave_NW 92]

Tim, I think some people learn by observation. After you've had your surgery, and she sees what you're dealing with, she'll come around. She may truly be jealous at this point, but not because she doesn't want you to succeed - it sounds like she's just placing her personal frustration in front of the situation. After she sees you working your sleeve tool to manage your weight loss, and she sees how eating is different for you, and how it's not a magic bullet, she'll come around. I'm sure of it.

What I'm doing at my house before my surgery is making sure everyone who'll be affected by my surgery knows I'm going to be handling things differently than I do know. food will be different, meals will be different, and I will be different. I've warned them in advance, and everyone is ready to be there for me. We'll see whether they follow through.

But as already been said, use this forum as a resource. I find folks here are amazingly supportive. I've also spent some time in the chat room talking with those who have already been through it. I'm learning that those who have had the surgery are quick to want to help others succeed. So you'll find plenty of support, if you ask for it. And that includes me - I haven't had surgery yet, but I won't be far behind you, if all goes well. Just let me know if I can give you a guy's point of view on things.

Good luck!

Dave

Edited September 19, 2010 by Dave_NW

[wannalise 15]

This is a HUGE transition not only for yourself, but also in your relationship. I would want to be honest with my partner and then (this may sound manipulative) let it go and allow her to support you. Step back and then ask her for help in simple ways, ex. I've noticed that you are really great at getting your exercise in, do you think you could support me in that? I love the meatloaf you make, do you think you could help me tweak that recipe so that I still love it, but so that it fits in with my goals.

Acknowledge her worries and her shortcoming and then know that even the best intending spouses/partners will not understand this unless they've been here.

Best of luck!

Anna

[Cleosan52 6]

I'm praying that she will support you in this. It is not the easy way out by any means. And I think your right about the little green monster rearing his head. My hubby is naturally thin. We can go on the same diet and he will drop 15 lbs while I gain 2, kwim? I would see red at times.

One of my requirements is to attend one support group with my husband. I'm looking forward to it. I love all you guys, but have to live with him, lol. I think maybe when you loose the weight, you will be able to focus less on your health and more on her. She can hopefully apprieciate the new life you both are going to have together :001_tongue:

[susieq 49]

My husband became supportive when I brought up the fact that my health would greatly improve. Prior to that, he was noncommital. He's seen how many times I've struggled with dieting and he did understand that this might be my last great hope. He hasn't had to struggle with his weight, although he's recently developed a gut.

I hope she changes her mind. The support of my husband and son have been very important to me.

I offer my sincere support to you.

[Fleur de lis 2]

I understand what you're going through. My boyfriend is supportive, but many members of my family are not. Especially my dad. He always tried to force me to loose weight with the same tactics he used when he was a Marine. Clearly, that didn't work, and now he's been kept out of the loop. He has no clue I'm having surgery next week....this should go well, considering I'm recovering at his house.

Definitely lean on us. I know I am :thumbup1:

Hopefully your wife will start to see the changes in you and she'll come around.

[roboniko 2]

Thanks to all. I will lean on everyone here. She definately is frustrated with her own weight and jealous of me right now. We have been walking to gether the past week and it is kind of at the point as long as I don't mention it or talk about the amount of weight I have lost then she is fine, kinda like nothing is happening. Hopefully she will see what a struggle this really is.

Surgery tomorrow so I am sure the nerves will kick in tonight after the Saints game! I really hope they win tonight!

[christina@MIA 12]

Hello Tim, She is so wrong. Our spouse's seem to think that we will have this surgery and everything is easy going. NO! This is not easy at all. We are so in to our heads about food its not funny. A lot of thought goes in to meals, fluids, Vitamins, Protein, exercise etc. etc. I don't have a moment that I am not thinking about it. What I have found helpful is that I now cook different and make smaller meals for everyone. My husband lost 131bs and my daughter lost 11lbs. And just tell her " hey baby sex will be better"! :w00t:

[thinoneday 445]

Your going to do fine. . it's not for the wife, it's for your own health so that you can be there for your wife. Its understandable that spouses can be jealous about the surgery. . they feel "comfortable" with you just how you are and could have feelings that they may "lose" you after you lose the weight. . . or they feel that "now that he's losing weight, I am going to have to work at it too" and that could be a struggle right there! This surgery is definately not the easy way out. . you have to watch what your doing all the time. . you can easily put on a pound or two, just like before. . . you still have to exercise and work at it. . . It'll be ok, it's going to be a bit more tougher for you cause your the guy, just show her love and that your not going to change mentally. . just physically. Where you slim when you two met? This could be a issue too. . maybe some counseling would help? But then again, that may not go over well. . . just a good old heart to heart "honey what is really the issue here?" might work . . . good luck on your surgery! Your going to do fantastic. . . keep us posted! We're all here for you any time you "need" us . . .