female only Long Vent...- very much needed..

[beautifuldisaster 0]

Alright, this is a WARNING that this will be long. I really have nowhere to turn at this point. Growing up I was always the "fat/chubby/chunky girl". I ALWAYS had a problen with me weight, the youngest I can remember is me being 8 or 9 years old and being on a diet. So yeah, I got the VSG and only told a few VERY close family members (Mom, Dad, Grandmother, My Dad's Parents, and my best friend). I had told my best friend...we will just call her "A", and asked her to NOT tell anyone. Before I even got the surgery, I had found out she had told people & friends in HER family. I got over it and said I wouldn't care what others thought. So growing up I have always been the "go-to girl" as well. If ANY of my friends needed something, money, or needed to talk, or anything I was ALWAYS there for them no questions asked. And yes, a lot of times I was taken advantage of, and let people walk all over me and treat me like crap.

Since surgery I have lost over 80 pounds, so I am starting to look REALLY different, cute even. "A" has been my best friend since I was 6. She has never been there for me the way I have for her. I remember one time I was crying my eyes out and I was upset, I vented to her and her response was..."omg I bought these really cute shoes today..*then begins to explain what they look like*"...

Yeah, she TOTALLY blew off everything I said and wasnt there for me AT ALL.

Today she texts me and we are talking and all of a sudden she says "what is wrong with you..god!".....I responded "what are you talking about?" She then says that i am being rude and a bad friend lately...and she couldnt even tell me HOW i am being a "bad friend". Since surgery I realized I am allowed to be selfish and worry about myself for a change, and take care of me. I have learned how to stand up for myself. I have learned how to not be a door mat and be walked all over. She HATES that my attention isn't all on her and HER issues that she is having. Her mature text message she last sent said "well i know you were rude like two mins ago, i'm going to go now..GOODBYE"...

:nono: REALLY?!?!........

She then goes on Facebook and says "people are soo stupid and only care about themselves".......spoken by someone who only cares about herself.

Honestly how do you handle relationships once you change as does your weight?

I have realized my relationship has changed with a lot of people. It has made me closer to a few, but has also cause issues with others. I realized WLS isn't just a change physically. It really does change EVERYTHING about you.

Thank you for listening.

[Stacy160 201]

I would start by telling her exactly what you just told us, how she never was a friend to you in the first place, and cut your losses. You don't need people like that dragging you down.

[Oregondaisy 2,019]

When people do things to me that are too long to list and I want them to know how I feel, I write them a letter. I get it all down on paper so I can't be interrupted and I can read it over and over until I have it exactly how I want it.

That is exactly what I would do in this situation!

[Jane_J 117]

Ditch the bitch, find some better friends.

Jane x

[pumpkin07 32]

When I read this it described my childhood a lot too. Also on a diet at that age. I was the fat cute girl, very bubbly, but quite sensitive and troubled on the inside. No one knew I guess.

I think you might benefit from the book boundaries. It was such a foreign concept to me when I first learned it, and I still struggle. I was the doormat at work and with 'friends' for a long time.

The worst thing I hated is that I would be a real target for nice people that were not responsible and I would mostly volunteer to help them. It was like situations where most people would see it coming but I could not see it. And later I would be in this situation that became hard to get out of. A lot of time it was people that were not accountable and they would be looking to use someone's credit or money, for example. Just real dumb stuff like co-signing on something or letting them move in with me for a while or loaning money, or hiring them in my small business even though they were not what I needed at work. I would create this stressful situation for myself, and even I began to see the pattern and realize a lot of the problem was ME.

I realized I needed to stay more in control of my generosity. I read this book called Boundaries, and I started trying to see these situations coming at me. I started standing up for myself little by little, even to the point I might overdo it!! Learning to be assertively protective of ones self takes time for some of us. But I began to draw lines around a lot of people and situations. I still struggle with boundaries and walk into traps. But I'm better now. And a lot of times I see situations coming at me.

Sometimes we are in relationships where our needs are not getting met. I guess it is sort of this same problem, where you are doing the giving and they are doing the taking. There is a balance of power. By losing weight, this self absorbed friend feels you getting attention instead of her, or taking some attention away from her. Sounds like she is a taker, and you the giver. If you change, she might not be motivated to be friends anymore b/c she might not be able to change. This does not sound like a friend to me. A friend would be happy if their friend lost weight, even if they were a tad jealous.

I would agree this does not sound like a healthy friendship, and you may find over time that you need some distance. Right now you need support, positive feedback, and encouragement. Try to focus on friendships that provide that support back to you. This friend obviously is not that person.

And btw congrats on your weight loss...this surgery, if performed well, is truly a gift to ones self.

Edited August 16, 2010 by pumpkin07

[Tiffykins 672]

I'm with Jane. I've lost 7, count 'em 7 friends because I'm "skinny" now. But, I have not changed my personality since losing weight.

I was a big b*tch when I was fat. It was a defense mechanism, and I kept everyone at arm's length. It what kept me safe. The friend's I've lost have been people that would not face their own problems with food. They were mad at me for "shunning the size acceptance" world of BBWs. I wasn't shunning anyone, I was being shun because I wasn't wearing a size 22W anymore. They apparently feel like since I chose surgery, I chose being skinny instead of staying fat and happy. I chose surgery because staying fat was going to end up killing me.

Mean people suck. Selfish people do not like it when you stop giving them the attention they think they deserve. Many people are threatened by weight loss, even more so they are threatened by change. I was always the "hot and funny fat chick". I was a the "head cheerleader" of our little clique of BBW girls, all the boys wanted to date me, all the women wanted me to go out with them to attract men into our group because they lacked the confidence to dance on the table. I never tolerated shitty behavior from anyone just because I was fat. That definitely hasn't changed with my pant size.

The only thing I can tell you is that change is not bad. Some people will embrace the new you, physical and mental/emotional you, others will be scared of the changes, and place the blame on you instead of realizing that the problem lies within themselves.

[Stacy160 201]

A long, long time ago, an old friend told me, in explaining why he no longer had a relationship with his brother, that "Sometimes we need to rid ourselves of the toxic people in our lives." That saying has stuck with me since then, and has helped me on several occasions to evaluate whether an old friendship was worth saving, or if that person had become a poison leaching into my world.

I figure if we're taking this huge step to rid ourselves of toxic food, toxic thinking, toxic fat, etc., then as the toxic people start to become more obvious, why let them continue to taint our lives? We ALL -- WLS or not -- need to surround ourselves with family and friends who make us happy, bring us laughter and love, and lift us up (and who we do the same for).... not blood-sucking leeches who bring us down! :wink0:

[Lori21769 14]

Sounds like a parasitic relationship, and it is time for you to cut her loose. She will never be a friend, she doesn't sound like she knows how to be.

Do another positive thing for yourself and refuse to let negative people be in your life.

[delawaregal 2]

You have been her friend since age 6. She has not been your friend and deep down you know that. We change, grow and mature and our relationships either change and grow too or they end. Maybe it is time to move on to new friends who appreciate you.

[Jane_J 117]

Think of it as decluttering to make space for all the new and wonderful things that are coming your way :biggrin0::thumbup:

Jane x

[thinoneday 445]

Alright, this is a WARNING that this will be long. I really have nowhere to turn at this point. Growing up I was always the "fat/chubby/chunky girl". I ALWAYS had a problen with me weight, the youngest I can remember is me being 8 or 9 years old and being on a diet. So yeah, I got the VSG and only told a few VERY close family members (Mom, Dad, Grandmother, My Dad's Parents, and my best friend). I had told my best friend...we will just call her "A", and asked her to NOT tell anyone. Before I even got the surgery, I had found out she had told people & friends in HER family. I got over it and said I wouldn't care what others thought. So growing up I have always been the "go-to girl" as well. If ANY of my friends needed something, money, or needed to talk, or anything I was ALWAYS there for them no questions asked. And yes, a lot of times I was taken advantage of, and let people walk all over me and treat me like crap.

Since surgery I have lost over 80 pounds, so I am starting to look REALLY different, cute even. "A" has been my best friend since I was 6. She has never been there for me the way I have for her. I remember one time I was crying my eyes out and I was upset, I vented to her and her response was..."omg I bought these really cute shoes today..*then begins to explain what they look like*"...

Yeah, she TOTALLY blew off everything I said and wasnt there for me AT ALL.

Today she texts me and we are talking and all of a sudden she says "what is wrong with you..god!".....I responded "what are you talking about?" She then says that i am being rude and a bad friend lately...and she couldnt even tell me HOW i am being a "bad friend". Since surgery I realized I am allowed to be selfish and worry about myself for a change, and take care of me. I have learned how to stand up for myself. I have learned how to not be a door mat and be walked all over. She HATES that my attention isn't all on her and HER issues that she is having. Her mature text message she last sent said "well i know you were rude like two mins ago, i'm going to go now..GOODBYE"...

:cursing: REALLY?!?!........

She then goes on Facebook and says "people are soo stupid and only care about themselves".......spoken by someone who only cares about herself.

Honestly how do you handle relationships once you change as does your weight?

I have realized my relationship has changed with a lot of people. It has made me closer to a few, but has also cause issues with others. I realized WLS isn't just a change physically. It really does change EVERYTHING about you.

Thank you for listening.

Bless your heart. . . I can totally relate to you. . .not only are so called friends like that, but family can be just like that too. . .I know first hand. . now may I give you just a bit of advice? You don't have to take it or even listen to it, but at 48 years old, I have learned and taught my kids this as well. . "There is no such thing as a friend". . . they don't exist, it's just a human want, a TV manifest, make believe, a ghost if you wish. . .I myself don't trust anyone especially those who try to show a nice face or preach God or how religious they are. . those are the worst ones. . . be careful out there. . that is just my thoughts. . . thanks for listening.

[pumpkin07 32]

Stacy I thought that was a GREAT point...rid ourselves of all toxic things.......

[Lillie24 2]

Congrats on your weight loss beautifuldisaster!! I can relate and understand how you are feeling. I think that like other people have said, you have to really make a decision on if the type of person she is .. is she worth being in your new life? You have changed some... your not the doormat anymore and you will probably change more but in a very good way. It might be worth it to write a letter and get everything out and send it to her. To me the most damaging thing is that people can't understand the changes and the things we have been through. She will either see that she hasn't been the best friend to you or she will play the victam again and act like you are to blame. But at least at that point you have gotten everything out and you said everything you wanted to.

[Jane_J 117]

I don't think I agree with you ThinOneDay, friends do exist, but they are few and far between and like a marriage both parties have to work at the friendship.

I think when we are overweight we are more likely to settle for 2nd best in all departments, including friends. Now we are sorting that out we need to re-evaluate everything else in our lives. I am lucky in that I have had a couple of therapy courses of treatment in my life and that has given me some degree of insight into my own behaviour here.

I over-react badly to perceived bullying of myself and others though even now. I have learnt never to allow myself to be walked over the hard way like many of us here. I hate the types of people who are cruel and nasty for no good reason and I can't understand how this behaviour gives them pleasure.

But there are many, many good, kind, nice people in this world who would be great friends if you gave them a chance. Our family get a tremendous amount of fun and pleasure, plus support which works both ways, from our friendship group. It's finding them in the first place that can be hard, but I would counsel continuing to be open to friendship.

Jane x

[thinoneday 445]

Hi Jane, can you tell I have some major trust issues because of hurtful pasts? I agree with the cruel and nasty for no good reason issue. . I don't think this makes them happy, I think it's because they are feeling so low and miserable that they want everyone around them to be miserable too. . . you seem like a very good hearted person, stay that way, don't become like me, cause I will probably pass a lonely old lady. . .